Bojack Horseman

1.

TEASER INT. BOJACK'S BEDROOM - DAY CLOSE ON: BOJACK, drool slips from the corner of his muzzle, his mane is matted. He looks like shit. The room is dark, blinds drawn, the TELEVISION playing at the foot of his bed illuminates the room in flickers of light. ON TELEVISION: TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO, an anthropomorphic BLUE WHALE wearing a suit gives us the daily news. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO Donald Trump has won the election, yes, that guy. The host of Celebrity Apprentice, the infamous comb-over, the cameo in Home Alone Two: Lost in New Bark, is the next president of the United States. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Bojack's eyes open, he reaches over for a beer bottle on the nightstand and shakes it. BOJACK I haven't felt this trashed since Tuesday. What a nightmare... TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO (O.S.) ...what are we coming to when a celebrity can run a country. Nevermind.

BOJACK

Bojack turns off the television and lights a cigarette. FEMALE VOICE (O.S.) Mmmm, good morning handsome. TERRA, a female PANTHER, sits up behind Bojack and stretches. Oh great.

BOJACK

TERRA So how does the first day of the rest of your life feel?

City of Lights

2. BOJACK If by the rest of my life you mean every day, I'd say, drunk. He checks another empty bottle on the floor near his feet then puts the cigarette out in it. TERRA We had so much fun! I haven't met anyone who makes me feel like you do. She purrs and nuzzles him. BOJACK Who are you again? Terra grooms herself and kneads the bedding with her claws. TERRA So as our first day together what should we do? I'm thinking we can go to a buffet, or maybe lounge around the pool. BOJACK There are no buffets in Los Angeles. Mimosas.

TERRA

BOJACK Wait a second. Bojack looks around the room. The decor is unfamiliar aside from the nightstand with cocaine residue. BOJACK Crystal chandelier, knock-off postmodernism furniture, cocaine. Are we in -KNOCK KNOCK at the bedroom door. TERRA Bojack will you get that I ordered us room service. I didn't know what you'd want so I told them to bring a few things. A HOSPITALITY KANGAROO pushes an overflowing cart of food into the room. A BABY JOEY helps place condiments onto the food tray.

3. BOJACK Am I paying for all this? TERRA (to Bojack) Honey. BOJACK Don't call me honey. TERRA Do you have anything for our friend? Bojack rolls his eyes and hands the Kangaroo a cash tip. BOJACK (to Terrra) What did you say your name was? Terra.

TERRA

BOJACK Terra, ok, and we met... TERRA You don't remember? BOJACK Forgetfulness is a recurring theme with me. TERRA I guess that does explain a few things. BOJACK Wait, please tell me you're not a hooker. TERRA Do I look like a hooker? BOJACK I've been fooled once before -- a few times actually. TERRA Bojack. I'm your wife. CLOSE ON: the RING on her left paw. MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE

4. ACT ONE EXT. COSMOPAWLITAN - DAY The Vegas strip is far below Bojack as he smokes a cigarette on the balcony of his penthouse suite. INT./EXT. BOJACK'S SUITE - DAY - CONTINUOUS Bojack comes in from the balcony. He has a ring on his left hand but doesn't notice. LIVING ROOM The place is ransacked, furniture is broken and the floor is covered with remnants of the night before: beer cans, women's underwear, dirty dishes. BOJACK (to Terra) I can't believe I'm in Vegas. I don't even like this place. TERRA Why don't you take a seat I'll make you something. BOJACK I can't eat anything right now. Bojack pushes a pile of empty liquor bottles off the couch and lies down. DIANE, enters from another room still wearing the dress from the night before and shuffles like a zombie to the KITCHEN She opens the fridge. Terra is busy making a drink behind her. DIANE I don't know why I am looking in the refrigerator. I'm not hungry at all. Why is there light coming through the window? BOJACK Because it's three in the afternoon. Diane slams the fridge shut.

5. DIANE I know that but why is there light? Ughh, I am never drinking again. LIVING ROOM She slumps onto the couch next to Bojack. Terra brings out a tray of drinks and puts them on the glass coffee table. TERRA Anybody want a bloody mary? Yes.

DIANE

BOJACK Oh my god yes.

TODD crashes through the front door wearing a sequined Elvis costume complete with cape and boots. TODD Vivaaaa Las Vegas! BOJACK You're here too? TODD Another beautiful day in the city of lights. BOJACK I don't think that's correct. TODD It happens to be my lucky day and because it is I propose we play that game with the ball and wheel that spins... BOJACK You mean roulette? TODD Put everything on black, because that's what this lady said and I totally trusted this complete stranger I never met before and so I took all of our proceeds from the convention last night and I did. BOJACK You did what?

Oh no.

DIANE

6. TODD And I won! That's how I got this costume for my show tonight and now I feel two inches taller. BOJACK You're two inches taller because you're wearing Cuban heels. TODD Excuse me I have to practice my stage presence for my debut performance and I heard showers have good acoustics so if anyone needs me they may join me in the bathroom. Todd exits stage right. BOJACK What show is he talking about? Diane is watching something on her phone and starts laughing. BOJACK (CONT'D) What's so funny? DIANE I'm watching video I took last night, man you were wasted. Do you remember-BOJACK For future reference if your question begins with remember the answer is usually no. TERRA Maybe you should watch it Bojack. BOJACK Is this an intervention? Fine, refresh my memory -- wait a second. He pulls a flask from his robe and takes a few swigs. Ok go.

BOJACK

DIANE We were back at your house. You, of course, were wallowing in your self-pity.

7. BOJACK An ordinary day. TITLE: 11:00 AM EXT. BOJACK'S SWIMMING POOL - DAY Bojack floats in the pool, drink in hand, aviator shades. A shadow is cast over him. We can tell by the pointy ears and whiskers it's PRINCESS CAROLYN, she's heavily back lit from the sun. PRINCESS CAROLYN What're you going to do with your life? BOJACK Ponder my feeble existence on this planet as merely a flash in the fabric of the universe. In one sip he finishes his drink and floats towards her with his empty glass. BOJACK Can you top me off. She walks over to the poolside bar with his drink. Diane crosses her, head buried in her phone texting and crumples onto a lounge chair. DIANE I can't take this anymore, Mr. Peanutbutter has officially lost it. BOJACK (to Princess Carolyn) Better make that a double. DIANE Sometimes I feel like I'm the crazy one but I know I'm not, right? I come home today and the first thing I see is trash all over the floor, he looks at me and says...

8. INT. MR. PEANUTBUTTER'S KITCHEN - DAY MR. PEANUTBUTTER, eyes wide, ears down and with a six pack ring hanging from his wet nose. MR. PEANUTBUTTER Diane, I know what this looks like but let me explain. I think there is too much waste in this world and that we, as a society, could do a better job keeping our home clean. The DOORBELL rings. Mr. Peanutbutter's ears PERK UP. SECURITY CAMERA: The UPS DRIVER leaves a package. MR. PEANUTBUTTER So I went through our garbage to find how we could more efficiently reduce our carbon footprint. DIANE And, rummaging through our kitchen trash was your discovery? Yyyyes.

MR. PEANUTBUTTER

EXT. BOJACK'S SWIMMING POOL - DAY DIANE I thought marriage made life easier. BOJACK You live with your husband in Beverly Hills at a mansion he pays for. Your life is the definition of easy. Diane let's out a groan. Princess Carolyn hands Bojack his drink. PRINCESS CAROLYN Listen Bojack, I've got a business to run and you're my number one client. Now you can sit here all day and feel sorry for yourself or you can do me a favor and maybe read one script I've sent you. Bojack's cell phone rings.

9. BOJACK Excuse me I need to take this. He throws his phone into the water. PRINCESS CAROLYN Will you please read the script. BOJACK Only because you asked nicely. PRINCESS CAROLYN And I got you a gig? BOJACK A gig? I don't need a gig. PRINCESS CAROLYN Well it's a gig, for me. BOJACK I'm slightly concerned. PRINCESS CAROLYN It's easy, you just show up after this convention and sign a few-BOJACK --convention? Wait, this isn't that... PRINCESS CAROLYN No, it's not that. Well it is that but it's after that. BOJACK I'm not following. PRINCESS CAROLYN It's after the convention, at a nightclub, the after party. BOJACK After party? You mean with other people? PRINCESS CAROLYN You show up for twenty minutes, you'll have your own table. You don't need to talk to anyone. There's free food... Ugh.

BOJACK

10. PRINCESS CAROLYN Lots of women... Erggghh... Open bar.

BOJACK PRINCESS CAROLYN

BOJACK Only twenty minutes? Todd pops his head out from the water. TODD Sixty-eight seconds! That's the new record Bojac-Bojack stuffs Todd's head back under. BOJACK Fine I'll do it. Where is this? PRINCESS CAROLYN Tonight, Las Vegas. CRASH ZOOM onto Bojack. Vegas?

BOJACK

TITLE: 1:00 PM EXT. BOJACK'S CAR - DAY Bojack's car drives down Fountain, it passes a large billboard with a FEMALE POODLE MODEL on it, long lashes, boobs and tacky styling, above her the word "ANSWER." INT. BOJACK'S CAR - DAY Bojack with Diane and Todd, who's still in his wet swimwear. DIANE (to Bojack) As your friend, I advise you not to purchase any alcohol for this trip.

11. BOJACK Diane, I'm a veteran partier and a rookie mistake is not bringing your own alcohol to a hotel. Mini-bars are the devil. TODD Do you have a towel? INT. GROCERY STORE - CONTINUOUS Bojack strolls through the alcohol aisle with Diane and Todd grabbing bottles of liquor off the shelves and tossing them into the cart. BOJACK If you know anything about Las Vegas you'll understand that it's completely impossible to be there without any form of an alcoholic beverage or mind altering substance. A credit card is SWIPED, beep. INT. BOJACK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS BOJACK We are going into the monsters' lair with washed up pop stars, magicians and Cirque Du Soleil. No, Alcohol isn't enough, we're going to need drugs. DIANE I also advise you against drugs, we don't need drugs. TODD Could I change out of my bathing suit, it's a little embarrass-BOJACK --Shut up Todd, this is important. Las Vegas is one of the most vile places on earth, it's too hot, they have buffets and girls wear heels at the pool. Why wear heels at the pool? I want to push them in the water and say, 'Hey! Put some sandals on!'

12. DIANE Right. Maybe we shouldn't go to Vegas then? CLOSE ON: Bojack who takes a quick swig from a flask. BOJACK No we have to go, I promised Princess Carolyn and if I don't go she'll make me do something worse like a stupid late night talk show segment or something. Remember when I did carpool karaoke? We pull back from Bojack to REVEAL he is now the passenger in a car. The driver is HAPPY PANDA, who is way too excited to be sitting in LA traffic. HAPPY PANDA Give me some tunes Bojack! Tickle those radio dials, find me something we can groooove to. BOJACK Okay umm, how about this. Bojack switches to a classical station. HAPPY PANDA I know in panda years I may be old but not that old. BOJACK Sorry I don't usually listen to the radio. Bojack nervously changes it to another station: NPR HAPPY PANDA No no, Bojack something funky, something hot, spicy. A Mexican mariachi station.

Heh?

BOJACK (nervously)

The car screeches to a stop. HAPPY PANDA (calling off camera) Ok stop, stop, cut it! This is all wrong. (MORE)

13. HAPPY PANDA (CONT’D) (to Bojack) Have you even seen the show? Uhh, no.

BOJACK

HAPPY PANDA We're supposed to be happy, I'm happy panda and we sing silly pop songs that are marketed to the masses because they're popular that's why they call it pop! It's not that hard Bojack, this is how Happy Panda makes his money and when Happy Panda doesn't make his money he gets angry, and you don't want to see Angry Panda. BACK TO SCENE Geeze.

DIANE

BOJACK Ok we're here. EXT. SIMI VALLEY - DAY Bojack's car is parked in front of a beige tract home which looks exactly the same as all the others. INT. BOJACK'S CAR - DAY BOJACK Todd give me your cell phone TODD You aren't going to do any activity on it like call a dealer or an ex girlfriend a restraining order or the House.

illegal drug who has White

BOJACK Of course not. Bojack grabs Todd's cell and dials a number. BOJACK (on the phone) Hi yes, Mr. Wolf? I'm outside, uh black SUV. (MORE)

14. BOJACK (CONT’D) No I'm not a cop that's just the type of car I drive. I'd much rather you come out. Ok, okay, I'll be right there. (hangs up) Shit, he wants us to go in. Who is he?

DIANE

BOJACK Mr. Wolf, he's a drug dealer. Todd and Diane gasp. Bojack gives Todd his phone back who promptly throws it out the window. DIANE You drove us out here so you could get drugs from a dealer who is named, did I hear that correctly, Mr. Wolf? Are you insane? There is no way I am getting out of this car. BOJACK I agree which is why Todd is going instead. Todd's eyes are huge. TODD Bojack I really don't want to do that. BOJACK Todd you're the only one of us who's been to Jail, if there's anyone who can blend in with the untouchables of society it's you. Look at us, we're too clean and good looking, they'd smell us a mile away. Bojack and Diane smile with a ding. END ACT ONE

15. ACT TWO TITLE: 3:00 PM EXT. MR. WOLF'S FRONT DOOR - DAY Todd goes to ring the doorbell but pulls his hand back, instead he knocks, lightly. A SECURITY CAM swivels towards him. SECURITY CAM: Todd talks to the camera. TODD Hi, Mr. Wolf? It's me, Bojack. EXT. MR. WOLF'S FRONT DOOR A massive BODYGUARD RHINO opens the door, he has tattoos all over his horn. Follow me.

BODYGUARD RHINO

INT. MR. WOLF'S HOME - DAY Inside this nondescript suburban home is a full on cartel operation. It's mechanical, organized and everyone is focused on their individual job. Bodyguard Rhino leads Todd through the LIVING ROOM Which has a large table where dozens of MEERKATS wearing masks fill and pack various small baggies of cocaine. We pass the KITCHEN Where RACCOONS wash different substances and paraphernalia. And into the GARAGE Barrels line the wall labeled "CAT NIP" and MONKEYS stuff HUMAN PINATAS full of it.

16.

This way.

BODYGUARD RHINO

The Rhino opens a side door that leads us outside. EXT. MR. WOLF'S BACKYARD - DAY Gazelles splash around in the water, music is playing, people are drinking, someone does a line of coke off the wet bar. Mr. Wolf is lounging by the pool, his white blazer, espadrilles and squared pilot sunglasses tells us who's boss. BODYGUARD RHINO Mr. Wolf, Bojack is here to see you. Mr. Wolf looks up from his mojito, his razor sharp teeth sparkle. Todd looks small in the reflection of his sunglasses. MR. WOLF Bojack, I've heard so much about you, welcome to my home. I see you've dressed for the party. TODD Thank you Mr. Wolf, I hope this is acceptable. MR. WOLF As long as your comfortable Bojack, I'm happy to host. TODD So, you haven't seen my show but you know who I am? MR. WOLF I'm afraid that's correct, forgive me but I'm not much of a TV person, I prefer to spend my time on other activities. Mr. Wolf turns to focus on the gazelles diving and splashing in his pool. MR. WOLF Aren't they beautiful. So nice I can almost eat them. Before we get to business Mr. Bojack can I offer you a drink?

17. Mr. Wolf turns to grab the bottle of chilled Clicquot in the ice bucket. TODD No that's okay. Mr. Wolf freezes, the hairs on the back of his neck stiffen. MR. WOLF I understand we've never met and please accept my apology if I'm being insensitive but I know one thing about Bojack and that is he never turns down a drink. A MODEL GAZELLE walks over from the pool and grabs a towel on a lounge chair. MODEL GAZELLE (to Mr. Wolf) So when is Bojack getting here, wasn't he supposed to show like twenty minutes ago or something? Mr. Wolf whips around, his snout draws back in a snarl revealing his massive canines. MR. WOLF I knew something wasn't right, you don't look anything like a star. Do you take me for a fool Bojack, or what should I really call you? He steps towards Todd, shoulders wide, fur on its ends. Todd staggers backwards and falls to the ground. Mr. Wolf stands over him and raises the bottle to smash over his head. CLOSE ON: Mr. Wolf's CLAWS holding the bottle which EXPLODES. Grack grack grack machine gun fire erupts from the home mixed with screams from the party: - Glass shatters everywhere. - Gazelles leap over the fence. - A rhino charges through a sliding glass door. - Monkeys run across the roof.

18. The thunder of a HELICOPTER as it roars above. HELICOPTER This is the LAPD, you are surrounded, surrender now or you will be shot. Mr. Wolf turns his gaze from the helicopter to Todd. MR. WOLF This is your fault Bojack, I should have known better than to invite a washed up actor into my home. He pulls out a gold plated DESERT EAGLE from his waistband and aims it at Todd. MR. WOLF I won't be taken in, I'd rather die. You brought this upon yourself Bo-CLOSE ON: The hammer on the eagle pulls back --Jac... WAIT!

MR. WOLF FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)

We spin around Todd who is about to be shot. CUT TO: INT. BOJACK'S SUITE - DAY Bojack, Diane and Terra stare at Todd on his knees begging for mercy, still wearing his Elvis Costume. TODD Please! I have a family! DIANE That's not what happened. TODD How would you know Dye-Anne. DIANE I was waiting in the car. There was no pool party, there was no drug raid and no meerkats.

19. BOJACK Do you really think I'm a washed up actor? TODD He was a high profile drug lord, I've been locked up, I've seen things man. BOJACK Why don't you tell us what really happened, Todd. His shoulders slump. Okay.

TODD

CUT TO: TITLE: 3:00 PM EXT. MR. WOLF'S FRONT DOOR - DAY Todd goes to ring the doorbell but pulls his hand back, instead he knocks, lightly. The door cracks open, a WOLF EYE sizes up Todd then the door swings wide. It's Mr. Wolf, but not the same Mr. Wolf from Todd's story, it's a TEEN WOLF. He has long greasy dark hair with an undercut, a vintage tshirt, skinny black jeans and Chuck Taylors. Hey. Hey.

TEEN WOLF TODD

TEEN WOLF You're not Bojack. TODD I'm his roommate Todd, Bojack stayed in the car. Oh.

TEEN WOLF

20. TODD Are you Mr. Wolf? TEEN WOLF Yah that's what my friend's call me. My real name is Daniel but you can call me Mr. Wolf if you want. Come in. Uh, okay.

TODD

INT. TEEN WOLF'S HOME - DAY Gone are the meerkats and raccoons replaced by furniture that can only be described as, 90's. The carpet is brown, the walls are beige. A lot of beige. LIVING ROOM Todd sits down on the couch, Teen Wolf walks into the Kitchen and opens the fridge. TEEN WOLF (O.S.) Do you want anything to drink? We have apple juice, orange juice, diet coke? I don't drink that my mom does. TODD Water is fine. Teen Wolf hands Todd the water and sits across from him. TEEN WOLF Here you go. TODD Thanks. So you live here alone? Shouldn't you be in school? TEEN WOLF I'm home schooled. I live with my mom but she's gone a lot so I kind of have to take care of things around here. TODD The real man of the house I see.

21. TEEN WOLF Not exactly, she's an addict and somebody has to pay the bills. That's why I do this. TODD Well, that took a dark turn. TEEN WOLF It's cool, I have a lot of friends who do it. At least nobody tells me what to do. TODD I wish I could do what I want, but we always have to do what Bojack wants. Todd do this, Todd do that and sometimes I'm like 'Hey Bojack! Why don't you just, be nice.' CUT TO: INT. BOJACK'S SUITE - DAY Diane and Terra give Bojack a sideways glance. Bojack responds with a nervous chuckle. CUT BACK TO: INT. TEEN WOLF'S HOME - DAY TEEN WOLF Maybe you should say something TODD Yeah, maybe. TEEN WOLF So what can I get you? TODD Huh, oh, Bojack gave me this list here. Todd hands Teen Wolf a list of drugs. TEEN WOLF You plan on doing all this over the weekend? TODD When in... Vegas.

22. TEEN WOLF One second. Teen wolf goes to another room and returns with a brown paper lunch bag. TEEN WOLF I didn't have the ether but I had everything else. Also threw in some acid for you guys. He tosses the bag to Todd. TODD Thanks. Well I hope everything works out for you, Daniel. DANIEL You too, Todd. INT. BOJACK'S CAR - DAY BOJACK How can you say In-n-out is overrated? It's the quintessential California burger! DIANE I'm not saying it's a bad hamburger I just think it's a little overhyped. BOJACK Overhyped! Okay, then what's the best fast food burger? If you say Five Guys I'm going to shoot you. Todd gets into the car. TODD Christmas has come early Bojack. BOJACK Jesus you scared the crap out of me. What took you so long? Nevermind just give me the drugs. Bojack checks the bag. TODD Daniel, I mean, Mr. Wolf was a nice kid selling drugs to support his family because his mom was--

23.

--Nobody few bags an eight ketamine

BOJACK cares Todd. We've got a of grass, a vial of acid, ball of cocaine, adderal, and molly.

DIANE Do we really need all that? BOJACK Diane, do you know what time it is? She looks at her phone Four.

DIANE

Bojack pops a few pills in his mouth and washes it down with a beer. BOJACK It's time to party. EXT. BOJACK'S CAR - SUNSET As it races down Interstate 15 passing a sign that reads "Las Vegas 220 Miles." The car becomes a silhouette against the orange sky, cacti and joshua trees in the background. INT. BOJACK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS Diane pops a few pills, Todd snorts cocaine off his iPhone and Bojack keeps one hand on the wheel as he drinks. INT./EXT. INTERSTATE 15 - NIGHT Police Officer MEOW MEOW FLUFFYFACE pulls alongside Bojack's SUV on a motorcycle. He slows down, giving Bojack the onceover. Everyone in the car straightens up. The cop speeds off. EXT. BOJACK'S CAR - NIGHT Through the windshield we see all three of them laughing, doing drugs, drinking. It's a blur with passing highway signs, lights, slot machines, and bats in the air. Bojack's car flies by the iconic "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign. END ACT TWO

24. ACT THREE TITLE: 8:00 PM EXT. LAS VEGAS SIDE STREET - NIGHT A HOMELESS SKUNK leans against a liquor store holding a bottle. In the background the large casinos of the Vegas strip. EXT. COSMOPAWLITAN -NIGHT Bojack's car pulls into the valet with a swath of fans awaiting his arrival. There's a RED CARPET and dozens of PAPARAZZI snapping pictures. Bojack steps out with Todd and Diane, they look like true movie stars. Diane in a beautiful dress, Bojack and Todd in slim fit suits. You'd expect Ryan Seacrest to be nearby giving lame interviews. INT. COSMOPAWLITAN - NIGHT Bojack floats through the lobby. He approaches the front desk where Terra awaits, eyes bright and smiling. TERRA Good evening, Bojack welcome to the Cosmo. How was your trip? BOJACK Fantastic now that I'm here and how was your day? TERRA It was nice, thanks for asking. So we have you in our penthouse suite with a lake view, complimentary champagne and spa passes. And can I say one thing? I'm a huge fan of Horsin' Around, I think it's one of the best shows of this decade and you were amazing in it, very underrated if you ask me.

25. BOJACK You know what, I think you're right. Bojack leans in. BOJACK When are you off? TERRA My shift ends in a few hours. Here's my number, the name's Terra. She scribbles it down on a card and hands it to Bojack. CUT TO: INT. BOJACK'S SUITE - DAY Diane and Terra hold back laughter as they listen to Bojack. BOJACK And then I said "sure thing babe." They both burst out laughing. DIANE Sure thing babe? And I don't remember any paparazzi. BOJACK Well I prefer my version, not sure I want to hear what really happened. TERRA You did get one thing right, I did give you my number. CUT BACK TO: TITLE: 8:43 PM EXT. COSMOPAWLITAN - NIGHT Bojack swerves into the valet area and hits the car in front of him. The only crowd here is overweight tourists. He sticks his head out the window.

26. BOJACK Hey valet guy! Someone come park my car! INT. COSMOPAWLITAN - NIGHT Bojack and company stumble in, they've clearly been partying. There's two lines at the front desk, the REGULAR line and the VIP line. Todd and Diane wander around the lobby. Bojack walks directly to the vip line where Terra greets him. TERRA Hi sir, welcome to the Cosmo, are you a vip preferred guest? A what?

BOJACK

TERRA This line is reserved for our premiere guests. BOJACK Oh, well yes then I am a vip. TERRA Great, what's your member number? BOJACK The number is, well, have you seen the show Horsin' Around? A DISGRUNTLED BULLDOG interrupts Bojack at the desk. DISGRUNTLED BULLDOG (to Terra) Excuse me but my room is all wrong I specifically asked for a double and I was given a single. TERRA I'm very sorry about that sir, let me see what I can do. (to Bojack) Sorry, one sec.

27. DISGRUNTLED BULLDOG This is outrageous. You had one job, and it's not even hard but you can't get that right. Customer service should be a top priority. Bojack sobers up for a moment. BOJACK Hey, you don't know what it's like to do her job dealing with people like you every day, you should show a little patience I'm sure she's doing her best. The bulldog growls and walks away. TERRA Thanks for that. BOJACK I used to date a girl, she was a waitress, so I know how it can be. TERRA What did you say your name was? BOJACK Bojack, Bojack Horseman. TERRA Bojack. Ah, I found you. Looks like we have you in a standard suite but something just opened up at the top so I'll bump you up. She gives him a wink. BOJACK That's the first nice thing someone's done for me in -- hold on. Bojack dry heaves for a second. TERRA Do you need some water? BOJACK I'm fine, just almost threw up. Have you heard of meow nightclub? TERRA Of course, it's in our casino.

28. BOJACK I'm hosting the party later, you should come. TERRA Are you asking me on a date? BOJACK No, I mean, we don't have to call it that. TERRA I haven't been to a club in forever but sure, I'd love to. Here are your keys and my number. She scribbles her name on a card and hands it to Bojack. CLOSE ON: The KEY CARD in Bojack's hand taking it from Terra and inserting it into a door, bleep bleep. INT. BOJACK'S SUITE - NIGHT Diane and Todd burst through the double doors with Bojack lumbering behind them with a drink in his hand. The suite is beautiful, floor to ceiling windows, multiple bedrooms. DIANE Wow Bojack not bad. TODD Awesome! I call this room, no wait, I want this room, no wait, I'm sleeping in this bathtub. BOJACK Eh, I've seen better. What time do we have to be at the event? DIANE Two hours. BOJACK Great, waiting for that elevator sobered me up. Now we have time to do more drugs. Catchy 80's music plays over this next segment. Bojack opens his suitcase to reveal a plethora of vials, prescription bottles, bags of white powder and liquor.

29. BOJACK Todd! Come in here and help me do drugs I don't want to feel like a complete degenerate doing it alone. Todd comes in from the other room wearing a sequined Elvis costume. TODD Someone left their Elvis costume, how cool is it! Thank you, thank you very much. BOJACK You look ridiculous. Do this line. Bojack and Todd take some pills, snort cocaine, drink beers. They begin dancing, even Diane gets in on it. Todd wipes his nose. BOJACK Todd hand me that prescription bottle full of random pills. TODD What's in it? BOJACK I guess we'll find out. Bojack pops the top off the bottle open and the pills SPILL EVERYWHERE. Oh crap.

BOJACK

Todd stares at the pills on the carpet. TODD Thirty-eight. BOJACK Thirty-eight what? Stop staring and help me. TODD Thirty-eight blue pills, and twelve yellow and six red. What?

BOJACK

30. TODD Fifty-six exactly. BOJACK Did you just count all the pills by looking at them? The doorbell rings. Bojack answers the door. It's Terra, she's dressed for the night. BOJACK Hey, what're you doing here? TERRA You texted me to come up, like forty minutes ago? BOJACK I did? (checking his phone) I guess I did. Come in I have to ask you something. How many drinks have you had? TERRA One glass of wine before I came over. BOJACK Ok so you're sober. How many pills are on the floor. Terra counts the pills with Bojack. TERRA Uh, ten, sixteen, thirty, fifty...six. Fifty six. Why? BOJACK I think Todd has a photographic memory. TERRA That's amazing, Todd. TODD I can't take all the credit, I think it was the drugs. BOJACK I have an idea.

31. INT. CASINO FLOOR - NIGHT Bojack and Todd ride down an escalator together. Bojack in a clean blazer and Todd in his Elvis costume. They stand side by side, ready to conquer the casino. They sit at a blackjack table. The DEALER welcomes them. DEALER Welcome gentleman, the game is blackjack. Minimum of one hundred. Bojack places a stack of chips on the table. Cards are dealt, Todd counts the hands in his head. Bojack is dealt a KING and a SIX. He stays. Todd is dealt TWO FIVES. Split.

TODD

DEALER You have two fives sir. BOJACK Todd, you don't want to split two fives just hit it. TODD I want to split. (to the Dealer) Split. The dealer splits the pair of fives then lays down TWO SIXES. TODD Double down on both. Bojack is sweating. The dealer places two cards down, a TEN and a QUEEN. The table erupts in cheers! DEALER Twenty-one and twenty-one, well played, sir. Terra walks over and places her hand on Bojack's shoulder. TERRA How you doing handsome?

32. BOJACK Todd is a genius. I never thought I'd say that. Can you get me a drink. TERRA Already ahead of you. She places a martini on the table. More cards are dealt, numbers float in the air. Twenty-One, BLACKJACK! More cards, more drinks. They lose a hand. Bojack drinks more, he pops some pills into his mouth. Bojack is wasted, even by his standard. Terra looks slightly concerned. TERRA Maybe you should slow down honey. BOJACK Slow down? (to Todd) Todd, how much are we up. TODD Six thousand dollars. BOJACK Six grand? we need to celebrate. A BLACK SCREEN Then... INT. WEDDING CHAPEL - NIGHT A MINISTER presides over Bojack and Terra who hold hands together. Todd and Diane as witnesses in the pews. TERRA Bojack, maybe this is too fast. I mean getting married, we just met today. Tara. Terra.

BOJACK TERRA

33. BOJACK Right. I've been on this planet for long enough. I'm an international celebrity, I live in the Hollywood Hills, I've dated super models and royalty but yet I still feel empty. You understand me, It's something I can feel right here and I know it's the right thing to do. So please, make me happy for the first time in my life, marry me. TERRA Okay Bojack. MINISTER I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride. Just as their lips touch the screen goes BLACK Then... INT. / EXT. UBER - NIGHT Bojack sticks his head out the window and screams into the night. BOJACK Las Vegaaasssss. Woooooo! EXT. MEOW NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT A line of aspiring club goers in tight dresses, heels and makeup. Bojack with Terra, Diane and Todd walk directly to the front where an ELEPHANT DOORMAN holds a clipboard. BOJACK (To Terra) Don't worry I got this. (to the Doorman) Hi, yeah I don't do the whole waiting in line thing. Not sure if you're aware but I'm a famous celebrity and I can't be seen waiting around with these nonfames. Bojack?

ELEPHANT DOORMAN

34. BOJACK Uh, yah, how did you know? ELEPHANT DOORMAN You didn't have to convince me your face is right there. He points to a HUGE WALL SIZE PICTURE of Bojack on the side of the casino promoting the night. ELEPHANT DOORMAN Your table is ready. INT. MEOW NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT A cacophony of music and light, the crowd is very young and Bojack is hardly noticed. At their table a HOSTESS brings buckets of ice, liquor and champagne. BOJACK I can't believe I'm here, nobody even notices me. (to Terra) Next time I mention going to a club just hit me. TERRA It's not so bad Bojack. Well everyone here does look like they're in high school but other than that. TODD I'm gonna go dance! DIANE And I'm going to shoot myself. If you need me I'll be on my phone. Bojack pours himself a large drink from the bucket of liquor. The lights dim around him and the crowd falls away along with the noise leaving him illuminated in the center, alone. BOJACK Only one solution. Bojack closes his eyes and puts the glass to his lips then.. BOJACK'S VOICE OVER A BLACK SCREEN

35. BOJACK I don't remember anything after that. INT. BOJACK'S SUITE - DAY Terra, Diane and Todd look down at the floor, embarrassed. From the KITCHEN the whir of a blender. MALE VOICE (O.S.) I'll tell you what happened. You were trashed. Everyone looks over. BOJACK Who are you? Have you been here this whole time? CALVIN HARRIS Name's Calvin Harris, I was the DJ at the club last night, but you probably don't remember. Diane invited me over after. On Diane DIANE Heh, what happens in Vegas. CUT BACK TO: INT. MEOW NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT Bojack is out of control. He's dancing on tables, jumping around. Todd is running around the club with him. We even see Bojack try to pick up a few girls on the dance floor. Then he pulls the fire alarm. CUT TO: INT. BOJACK'S SUITE - DAY Woah.

BOJACK

CALVIN HARRIS Yah, then Terra brought you back. Carried you actually.

36. CUT BACK TO: INT. BOJACKS SUITE - NIGHT Terra stumbles in with the group holding an obliterated Bojack. She takes him into the bedroom and then comes out. She's upset and in shock, does nobody else see the problem but her? TERRA How many times has this happened? TODD Ughhh, well if I count..

DIANE Maybe once a week.

TERRA Once a week! And you all let this happen? Nobody wants to tell him what's really going on? He needs help, he doesn't need someone to party with he needs a friend. A real friend, someone who cares, someone who can tell him the truth. CUT TO: INT. BOJACK'S SUITE - DAY CALVIN HARRIS Well my job here is done. DIANE Yah, I think I'm gonna go pack. Me too.

TODD

Bojack and Terra sit alone in the living room. BOJACK Did you really say that? TERRA Yes. I'm sorry I was upset and maybe it was out of line. BOJACK No it's fine, I uh, you know I don't deserve a girl like you. (MORE)

37. BOJACK (CONT’D) You don't want to be with a guy like me. I'm no good for you, I'm not even any good for myself. I, I I wish I could be better. Her heart is breaking. TERRA Bojack, I'm really sorry, I just didn't know what to do. BOJACK I know, it's not your fault it's mine. Here, take this. (he pulls the ring off his finger.) You'll be better off without me. TERRA Okay. If this is what you want. BOJACK I don't know what I want anymore. But hey, if you're ever in Los Angeles come find me, it'd be nice to see you again. TERRA Goodbye Bojack. Bojack watches Terra leave. INT. ELEVATOR - DAY Diane and Todd stand next to Bojack who looks at the BUTTONS on the elevator. His finger moves down from PENTHOUSE, down past the FIFTIES and FORTIES, past the POOL DECK, and right below the LOBBY he pushes the bottom button, LOS ANGELES. The elevator doors OPEN into INT. BOJACK'S HOME - DAY Bojack steps out of the elevator and into his home. He moves into his BEDROOM Where he crashes on the bed.

38. TITLE: TWO WEEKS LATER INT. BOJACK'S HOME - DAY Bojack sits in the living room staring at the TV, it's not even on. His phone rings. Hello?

BOJACK

PRINCESS CAROLYN Bojack! I want to thank you again for showing up to that event a few weeks ago, even though you did pull the fire alarm like an idiot. Behind him Todd enters the room And Diane in the background is lounging in his pool. DIANE Oh yeah, Bojack you had a delivery the other day...

TODD Hey check this out! Look what I came up with..

And the voices of all three seem to blend together and then fade into silence. Bojack hears nothing, he feels nothing, he wants to be nothing. In the void he reaches underneath the coffee table in front of him and pulls out a clean glass and a full bottle of liquor. He uncorks the bottle and lets out a sigh. Bojack raises the full glass to his lips, closes his eyes and just before he drinks. DING DONG the doorbell rings BOJACK Nobody is here. We don't want any girl scout cookies. DING DONG Bojack goes to the door and opens it, a huge smile. Hi Bojack. SLAM TO CREDITS

TERRA

39.