BOMB CYCLONE: THE MOVIE Written by Jordan VanDina

WWW.WEEKENDSCRIPTS.COM

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - DAY The Empire State Building is under a heavy sheet of frost. The ice is THICK AND BLUE like a swollen Smurf. The ground is buried under 50 feet of snow. The MTV building where they used to film TRL has been shattered from the cold, shattered like the hearts of millions of tweens when they found out Sisqo’s “Thong Song” went to #2 and Carson Daly broke up with Tara Reid... There is no life... There is no hope... UNTIL... A BULGING SAMOAN ARM shoots out of the snow bank. You’d know that greasy arm anywhere... Even in -20 degree temperatures it’s oiled up and ready for a fucking party. THE ROCK Talk about a Winter Wonderland huh... THE ROCK climbs out of the snow but he’s not alone. He pulls out GERARD BUTLER... GERARD BUTLER I’ve heard of dreaming of a white Christmas, but this is ridiculous! But Gerard is not alone either he pulls out MARK WAHLBERG from the snow. THE ULTIMATE FUCKING TRIO!!!! THE ROCK Not going to let a little snow storm stop us from saving the world are we now? Mark Wahlberg looks up at the sky, it is pulsing blue and shooting spears of sleet down to the pavement. MARK WAHLBERG It’s not a snow storm... It’s a fuckin’ Bomb Cyclone, kid.

BOMB CYCLONE: THE MOVIE

2. INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT 48 HOURS EARLIER DONALD TRUMP is in bed covered in KFC, McDonald’s and one of those helmets with the straws that are connected to two 40 oz Diet Coke cans. Trump is holding up the new scandalous book “FIRE AND FURY: INSIDE THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE.” DONALD TRUMP Wow. This is incredible. Truly the best. TRUMP AID (confused) You like the book, sir? DONALD TRUMP This is amazing. As we all know Trump doesn’t read so like a kid with a comic book inside his textbook he is hiding an iPad inside his book where he is watching Fox and Friends. FOX AND FRIENDS HOST Our top story tonight, Trump shoots 80 below par and stays hard for over 12 hours without Viagra. DONALD TRUMP It’s true. Best show on TV. Honest. FOX AND FRIENDS HOST And real quick before we leave, there is a book called Fire And Fury that is fake news and says Trump bought mittens from Osh Kosh B’gosh because of his tiny hands. The book will be released tomorrow. But as we know, only fucking losers read. DONALD TRUMP I’ll make sure no loser reads that book at all... Trump picks up his iPhone 7 Plus which absolutely dwarfs his baby hand.

3. DONALD TRUMP (CONT’D) It’s time... I want to explore my options for making the blue states... Bluer. Trump turns his white noise machine to the “DEEP FRYER” setting and goes to bed. INT. LOS ANGELES STARBUCKS - MORNING Gerard Butler strolls up to the Starbucks and cuts the line because he’s famous and better than you in almost every way. GERARD BUTLER I’ll take a grande mocha Brazilian, extra hot, nine sugars, half an ice cube. BARISTA Sir we can’t... Wait a second, you’re that guy. From that movie. That’s me.

GERARD BUTLER

BARISTA I saw you in that one thing. Where you shot the guns. GERARD BUTLER Bingo, baby! The barista goes to write the name on the cup but stops himself. BARISTA I’m sorry... I want to say... Bryan... or Clegman?... GERARD BUTLER Gerard... But my friends call me Gerry. Gerard’s cell phone rings. GERARD BUTLER (CONT’D) Yes... Julie, I wouldn’t miss your 6th grade recital for anything in the world. The barista shakes the finished coffee at Gerard.

4. GERARD BUTLER (CONT’D) I’ll be there no matter what. My flight leaves in an hour. You know what I always say, “Even a government-induced ice disaster that threatens to wipe out civilization as we know it couldn’t stop me from being with you!”... I love you. See you tonight. Gerard hangs up and looks at the cup which reads GERRY. GERARD BUTLER (CONT’D) Excuse me. I said my friends call me Gerry. Oh... I...

BARISTA

Gerard takes the lid off and throws his hot coffee on the barista’s face. GERARD BUTLER We are not friends. You do what I say. I’m Gerard. You’re my BUTLER. A sick ass rock riff (probably Godsmack or LIT) plays while Gerard walks out and the barista desperately seeks medical attention. INT. WAHLBURGERS - NIGHT Mark Wahlberg is inside of his family restaurant signing burgers for people and watching an old Red Sox game on his phone. MARK WAHLBERG This might sound a little cliche for Boston, but I love the Red Sox, The Bruins, The Patriots, Tom Brady, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, Fenway Park, Clam Chowda, Whitey Bulger, and Boston University. The restaurant cheers for Mark’s brave statement. Mark goes up to a small child eating a burger. MARK WAHLBERG (CONT’D) Whaddya think? This burger change ya fuckin’ life, kid?

5. SMALL CHILD It’s pretty good. MARK WAHLBERG Pretty good? What are you a fuckin’ Chowda head? Mark slaps the kid around. It almost gets a little too violent but then Mark’s phone rings. MARK WAHLBERG (CONT’D) Sorry, that’s my fuckin’ kid calling. Mark slaps the child one more time and answers his phone. MARK WAHLBERG (CONT’D) Yes angel, I’m working a little late but I swear on Belichick’s mother I will not miss your school play tonight. I’ll be there no matter what. That’s a Wahlberg Promise. I love you. You’re my kid, kid. EXT. THE SKY - DAY A private jet is fiercely plummeting to the ground. The jet suddenly rights itself and moves steady through the air. THEN AGAIN the jet starts to dive towards the earth. It rights itself again... This goes on and on for about the next 12 minutes of the film. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? INT. PRIVATE JET - DAY The rock is doing decline bench press and there’s so much goddamn steel on the bar that every time he does a rep the jet takes a nose dive. THE ROCK I’ve heard of CrossFit but CrossFlight?

6. The Rock slaps his knee and laughs to himself. Does it ever get lonely for the Scorpion King on top of his iron mountain? Does he ever think about what life would have been like as a b-movie actor making a decent wage and not having to do 8 month press tours for the “Encino Man” reboot or whatever bullshit he’s working on? HELL NO. HE’S THE ROCK AND HE’S THE BEST. ROCK FOR PRESIDENT 2020!!! The private jet phone starts to ring, The Rock picks up. THE ROCK (CONT’D) Domino’s Pizza... Just kidding, It’s the Rock... Oh hey honey, YES I am on my way now. Do you really think for one second I would miss your 3rd grade body building competition? I’ll be there. Remember, our relationship is as solid as a rock. The plane suddenly jolts hard. The Rock runs into the cockpit. INT. COCKPIT - DAY THE ROCK PILOT, what was that? THE PILOT I don’t know! I thought you just finished a superset! THE ROCK You’re my best friend, pilot, but leave the fucking jokes to me. THE PILOT Sorry... We hit a little ice patch. THE ROCK Ice in the air?... I thought it was supposed to be 50 degrees... Something is not right. The Rock stares out the window. THE ROCK (CONT’D) You ever just get a certain smell that brings you back to a moment and you know no matter what happens everything is going to be alright...

7. THE PILOT Yeah actually, my wife passed away a few years ago and... THE ROCK FOLGERS COFFEE. THE GOOD STUFF. No better way to wake up. The pilot turns around and sees that the Rock wasn’t talking to him. He was doing an Instagram sponsored post for Folgers. THE ROCK (CONT’D) Hey. Next time don’t fucking talk during my posts. I’m a busy man. Can’t do these things twice. Sorry.

THE PILOT

INT. WHITE HOUSE WEATHER CENTER - DAY A WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST stands with Trump as they monitor the earth’s weather. DONALD TRUMP Want some Diet Coke? Sure...

WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST

Trump pours some Diet Coke over ice and hands it to the scientist. DONALD TRUMP See what’s in that cup? Ice cubes?

WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST

DONALD TRUMP Still believe in Global Warming? WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST Yes very much so, sir. DONALD TRUMP Then how could there be ice? You fucking moron. Now tell me how this fake weather system works. The Scientist looks disgusted he has to continue talking to Trump.

8. WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST This was designed incase of a global emergency. We built satellites to control certain weather outcomes. Anything from light rain to the worst of it... BOMB CYCLONE. DONALD TRUMP Let’s do it. We will target all the blue states that may make fun of me for this book. We will literally turn them BLUE... Cause they are so cold... WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST Yeah I get it. DONALD TRUMP Funny right? Yes.

WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST

DONALD TRUMP Do you really think it’s funny or are you just saying that because you liked me on “Celebrity Apprentice.” WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST Genuinely funny. DONALD TRUMP Good. Make sure the storm doesn’t hit Florida, I have 18 holes at 8 am and then 18 holes at noon and then 18 holes at 5pm for twilight golf. Same the next day. WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST Oh no, sir. I don’t think you understand. We can never actually use this without the proper sign off. Trump takes a step back. Appalled. DONALD TRUMP I don’t understand? You’re saying I DON’T UNDERSTAND? Fox and Friends said I’m the smartest president ever. A stable genius! Ask me anything.

9.

Sir?

WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST

DONALD TRUMP Ask me anything. WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST Okay... What does the judicial branch do? DONALD TRUMP Judicial. Break it down. JEW-DISHALL! JEWISH DISH ALL THE GOSSIP! Funny right? WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST Yes... Well like I said we could never enact a Bomb Cyclone without congress’s consent. Could take months. Trump looks confused by the word congress. DONALD TRUMP Congress is cancelled! TRUMPY TOUCH THE BUTTON! Trump slams the button that says BOMB CYCLONE. WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST Dear God... INT. LAX AIRPORT - DAY The lines at the airport are outrageous. Much worse than normal. People and dogs everywhere. Look I want to take a minute to vent about this dog thing, I love dogs as much as the next guy but aren’t we going a little far with this service animal thing? Every other person is bringing a dog on a plane. Where do we draw the line?! Also last time I was on a plane the guy next to me was dipping chewing tobacco and spitting it into a Dasani bottle for 7 hours. So think about that next time you are having a bad flight. I hope that son of a bitch reads this and feels bad. Gerard skips past the line and goes right up to the counter. The line explodes with rage that he cut. AIRPORT CUSTOMER That’s the guy from that thing.

10. AIRPORT CUSTOMER #2 Wasn’t he in that movie where he shoots the building? Gerard obnoxiously waves his hand in the SOUTHWEST TICKET AGENT’S face. GERARD BUTLER Excuse me, what’s with the delays? SOUTHWEST TICKET AGENT Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to get to the back of the line... WAIT a second aren’t you that guy... That’s me.

GERARD BUTLER

SOUTHWEST TICKET AGENT With the guns from that movie where you were with the girl. GERARD BUTLER Bingo! Friends call me Gerry, you gonna be my friend here? Get me on this flight? SOUTHWEST TICKET AGENT All flights are currently cancelled due to the impending storm. GERARD BUTLER OH FUCK NO. I have my daughter’s recital tonight. SOUTHWEST TICKET AGENT I’m sorry, Gerry... Gerard slams on the desk. GERARD BUTLER We are not friends anymore. You call me by my government name Gerard. Gerard unlocks his phone and opens UBER he slides past UBER POOL and UBER X and gets to UBER CELEBRITY. The phone scans his face and searches... Come on...

GERARD BUTLER (CONT’D)

11. Uber Celebrity shows THE ROCK’S Private Jet passing Los Angeles in 40 minutes. YES!

GERARD BUTLER (CONT’D)

SURGING IS 69X. GERARD BUTLER (CONT’D) Damn that’s cool. EXT. BOSTON SUBWAY - DAY The snow is coming down fast and furious with no signs of letting up. Wahlberg tries to get into the subway but an officer stops him. OFFICER No can do. Everything’s shut down. It’s not safe. MARK WAHLBERG That doesn’t work for me. My daughter is playing Frank Costello in “THE DEPARTED” school play. I gotta be there. OFFICER Look Mark, my hands are tied here. I’m sorry. MARK WAHLBERG My brother Donnie is a captain you know. He’ll fire your ass if he hears about this... OFFICER A captain? Like on Television? On Blue Bloods? MARK WAHLBERG So you know him... OFFICER Right. That’s a show. He has no jurisdiction over the real department.

12. MARK WAHLBERG “No jurisdiction” That’s an impression of you I just did. Prick. Mark spits in the cop’s face and opens his Celebrity Uber App and sees The Rock’s plane. MARK WAHLBERG (CONT’D) 69X surging. That’s cool as shit. INT. WHITE HOUSE WEATHER CENTER - DAY As the blue states are being filled with icy destruction Trump doesn’t really pay attention to the live feeds. He watches Fox and Friends instead. WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST Sir, you should really take a look at this. DONALD TRUMP They just said Trump is the tallest man in the world! WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST I’m literally about a foot taller than you. The scientist watches the monitor as the Statue of Liberty starts to freeze and the torch breaks off into the icy ocean. WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST (CONT’D) I have to stop this... I didn’t sign up for this. DONALD TRUMP Fox and Friends says I was the star of the movie “Signs.” WHITE HOUSE SCIENTIST THAT IS SO EASILY PROVEN UNTRUE. The scientist lunges for the STOP button but is unceremoniously taken down by a bullet. SECRET SERVICE I was given strict orders. Trump pats his Secret Service man on the back.

13. DONALD TRUMP We stop nothing... Internet must be down. Roads must be closed. Bridges destroyed. NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO GET THIS BOOK THAT SAYS I HAVE TINY HANDS. NOBODY. Trump pounds on the BOMB CYCLONE button more and more in delight! INT. PRIVATE JET - DAY THE ROCK, MARK WAHLBERG and GERARD BUTLER sit around the private jet eating Wahlburgers. MARK WAHLBERG So I says, if I could just be a fly on that Wahlburger! The Rock and Gerard die laughing. THE ROCK Hey Mark, where are we dropping you off? MARK WAHLBERG About 12 miles South from where you grabbed me, Fenway Elementary. My little girl is in the school play. GERARD BUTLER What? Why didn’t you just drive? MARK WAHLBERG Roads are closed. Also, I got poor circulation. I almost lost my pinky finger when I had to hold an iced tea for too many scenes in “TED 2.” THE ROCK It’s no problem. You can skydive right? Mark looks at the Rock like he just asked him “Can you breathe air?” MARK WAHLBERG Of course I can fuckin’ skydive. The Rock pops the side hatch open but this isn’t normal altitude chill. The entire plane goes into a tailspin. The inside Freezes. The bench press ices up.

14. THE ROCK DAMN. Normally I’d say this storm has no chill... But this storm has ALL CHILL! The emergency flashers start to go off in the jet. The Pilot comes running out. THE PILOT Everything’s frozen. The wheel. The GPS. We all need to jump. RIGHT NOW. The Rock looks distraught. THE ROCK There’s only... I don’t know how to say this... There’s only 4 parachutes. The pilot counts everyone on the plane. THE PILOT Yeah... There’s 4 of us. The Rock nods to his workout machine. THE ROCK That’s a BOWFLEX 3,000 LX. Only 12 million of those made in the United States. Can’t just let it burn. THE PILOT I understand... I totally understand. It’s been a damn pleasure. The Rock kisses the pilot’s forehead. THE ROCK You’re my best friend. I’ll never forget you. The Rock hands parachutes to Gerard Butler and Mark Wahlberg and straps one to his Bowflex. MARK WAHLBERG Let’s go Balls to the Wahl! Mark jumps first. Then Gerard. The Rock pushes his Bowflex out and salutes the pilot before jumping.

15. A calm washes over the pilot’s face. He has accepted death as the plane pummels to it’s imminent destruction. He picks up his cell phone... THE PILOT Sweetheart. I’m not gonna make it to chaperone your dance tonight... I think you’ll have to live with gram gram for a while... I love you. The pilot suddenly sees an extra parachute by the co-pilot’s seat. HOLY SHIT.

THE PILOT (CONT’D)

EXT. THE SKY - DAY ICE, SNOW, AND HAIL pelt the boys as they are laughing and having the fucking time of their lives parachuting out of the plane. THIS IS LIKE POINT BREAK 69’D CON-AIR. SO SICK! The Rock catches up with his BOWFLEX and does a few bench presses in the air. He struggles but suddenly he lifts the weight without a problem. THE ROCK I think I just had a spotter... and his name was GOD. WHAT THE ROCK JUST SAID IS SO FUCKING REAL. No one in the theater will have a dry eye. At first you are like oh this is just another big budget action movie but now you’re sitting there thinking “wait a second... Could there be some Oscar buzz attached to this thing?” EXT. ICE FIELD - DAY Mark, Gerard and The Rock all land safely giggling about another sick action event they just pulled off. GERARD BUTLER What the hell is that? Another body is coming down. The Pilot comes pummeling down and lands not so gracefully but safe nonetheless. THE PILOT I made it. I’m alive! I’M FUCKING ALIVE!

16. The pilot grabs his phone and calls his daughter back. THE PILOT (CONT’D) It looks like I’m going to make it after all, I’ll be... The Bowflex comes crashing down on the pilot’s head bashing his body into a thousand pieces. THE ROCK Talk about a Skull Crusher! MARK WAHLBERG He’s gonna feel that in the morning! GERARD BUTLER He’s certainly shredded! The trio high five! MARK WAHLBERG Ugh guys... It’s pretty cold out here. My little Wahlburger is going from a quarter pounder to a junior whopper real quick... I’m talking about my dick. Mark takes out his phone and opens the Celebrity Uber app. MARK WAHLBERG (CONT’D) WICKED! The Secretary of Treasury is passing through, he will get us. GERARD BUTLER How the Hell do you know him? MARK WAHLBERG Steve Mnuchin? He produced the Entourage movie. GUYS THIS IS REAL. If you think this is a joke please IMDB Steve Mnuchin right now. Our Secretary of Treasury produced the fucking Entourage movie. The movie with the opening line “I might have to jerk it before I get there.” What kind of fucking world are we living in? Steve pulls up in a yellow HUMMER LIMO and pops his head out the top. STEVE MNUCHIN Anyone trying to use government funding to get a dry rub in a Hummer Limo?!

17. The gang cheers! INT. HUMMER LIMO - DUSK The Entourage movie is playing on every screen in the limo. STEVE MNUCHIN This is my favorite scene. This is where Drama gets his dick stuck in the hot tub at Stephen Dorff’s fuck bungalow in Venice and the chick who played the older sister on “Step By Step” sees him do it. Hilarious! Mnuchin snorts a viagra and sprays an entire can of Axe down his pants. STEVE MNUCHIN (CONT’D) So, where we headed? THE ROCK Daughter’s workout competition. GERARD BUTLER Daughter’s recital. MARK WAHLBERG Daughter’s school play. Fenway elementary presents “The Departed.” Shards of ice shatter against the window as the wind sways the limo back and forth. THE ROCK What exactly is going on out there? I’ve never seen anything this cold and icy. STEVE MNUCHIN Then I guess you’ve never seen my wife after I tell her we can’t use the White House jet to go to the limbo competition at the Señor Frogs in Cancun! THE ROCK No I guess I haven’t. Steve throws the hang loose sign. The boys love it.

18. THE ROCK (CONT’D) But really. Any idea what’s going on out there? STEVE MNUCHIN Oh you’re gonna shit when you hear this. Trump pressed the BOMB CYCLONE button which will probably end all civilization in the blue states. It’s weather by satellites. The future! MARK WAHLBERG What? Massachusetts is a blue state. STEVE MNUCHIN CORRECT! We are literally turning SNOW FLAKES INTO SNOW FLAKES! It’s almost poetic. MARK WAHLBERG Steve any chance of an Entourage sequel? STEVE MNUCHIN I don’t think so, Mark. Mark throws Steve out of the moving Hummer. MARK WAHLBERG Let’s go stop those fuckin’ weather satellites. INT. WHITE HOUSE WEATHER CENTER - NIGHT Trump looks at the weather feed screens filled with destruction and death and takes his phone out. He logs on to Twitter. He attaches a picture of the Empire State Building covered with ice. DONALD TRUMP “GLOBAL WARMING?” SEND TWEET. Trump presses it but nothing happens. DONALD TRUMP (CONT’D) SEND TWEET. SEND TWEET.

19. THE ROCK (O.S.) Can’t send a Tweet if all the power is knocked out. But that’s what you wanted isn’t it? DONALD TRUMP Who said that? THE ROCK The man who is going to beat you in 2020. DONALD TRUMP You stupid asshole! There won’t be an America in 2020. Mark Wahlberg pulls a gun. MARK WAHLBERG I’m not missing my daughter as Frank Costello in the school play. Turn off the storm. DONALD TRUMP Fine. I want to Tweet anyway. Trump presses the stop button... But nothing happens... DONALD TRUMP (CONT’D) THESE GODDAMN MACHINES. This is like the time I got too much tummy grease on the TIVO remote and all I could watch was Madea Goes to Jail over and over. GERARD BUTLER Pressing stop isn’t enough. We need to destroy the main satellite hub in New York. THE ROCK How do you know that? GERARD BUTLER I’ve done like 35 of these fucking movies. THE ROCK We’re going to need Air Force One.

20. DONALD TRUMP Normally I take Jet Blue to Mar-ALago because I like their little blue chips and free sodas but I think tomorrow I’ll take my own plane. Sorry. THE ROCK GIVE US THE ACCESS CODES. DONALD TRUMP Over my dead body. Trump lunges at the Rock who punches him once pretty softly and knocks him out instantly. The Rock gets a thumbs up from the Secret Service guy. GERARD BUTLER DOES ANYBODY in here know the access codes to Air Force One? SECRET SERVICE Sorry. I loved you in that movie with that girl and when you shot that gun but... Giving those codes is treason. MAN (O.S.) PSST... PSSTT..... RICK, a fragile shaking man, calls over the guys. RICK I can help you... MARK WAHLBERG Why do you want to help us? RICK When you don’t care if you live or die. Threats of prison don’t matter. THE ROCK Are you a spy? From Russia? Why are you willing to give up the codes? RICK I’ve seen shit man... Bad shit... GERARD BUTLER A prisoner of war?

21. MARK WAHLBERG A beaten immigrant? THE ROCK A forgotten Dreamer? RICK I’m Trump’s spray-tanner. What?

MARK WAHLBERG

RICK Everyday. For 10 fucking years. I’ve seen Trump disrobe while I spray him bright orange. Oh my God.

THE ROCK

RICK Every Crack. Every Crevace. I see it when I close my eyes. I see it when my eyes are open. It’s worse than Hell. It’s despair and hatred personified. A personal living devil fucking my eye sockets day after day. The Rock pats Rick on the back. THE ROCK I’m... I’m sorry. MARK WAHLBERG You’ll be okay, kid. THE ROCK So the code?... RICK 420.69.69.420. Really?

MARK WAHLBERG

RICK He changed the code to 420.69.69.420. Rick takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head.

22. INT. AIR FORCE ONE - NIGHT Every screen in Air Force One is showing “THE ENTOURAGE MOVIE.” THE ROCK Goddammit, Mnuchin must have been in this plane last. Let’s turn this off. MARK WAHLBERG Shut the fuck up. This is the scene where Turtle tries to vape in the Lids and then ends up getting a handjob from a Maxim Cover girl. THE ROCK I’m just saying as far as HBO shows about cool bros doing sex, I’m a Ballers guy. MARK WAHLBERG Oh please, Ballers season 2 makes Entourage season 8 look like Entourage season 3. THE ROCK YOU SON OF A BITCH. GERARD BUTLER GUYS. Stop fighting. Any of us have a plan for when we get into Times Square? The Rock stops and looks directly at the camera. THE ROCK YEAH. I’m thinking dinner and a SHOW! EXT. EMPIRE STATE BUILDING - NIGHT Mark Wahlberg, The Rock and Gerard Butler spot the satellite hovering on top of the Empire State building. GERARD BUTLER I’m not sure this is the time for sight seeing. Everyone laughs their asses off.

23. MARK WAHLBERG How are we going to get up there the elevators are all down. THE ROCK I brought some snowboards for us. MARK WAHLBERG We’re gonna snowboard UP a building? Not usually a party pooper but I’m gonna have to party poop on that idea. GERARD BUTLER It’s easy. We can do it. If gravity were to be flipped. THE ROCK Ah yes... The guy from that movie catches on quick... I set the switch on the weather machine to negative gravity at exactly 5:55 PM. Let’s make it count. MARK WAHLBERG I just want to say whatever happens I love you guys... THE ROCK I love you too.

GERARD BUTLER I love you too.

MARK WAHLBERG And don’t forget to buy Daddy’s Home 2 on Blu-Ray next month. Talk soon. The Rock and Gerard turn and notice that Mark isn’t talking to them. He’s posting an Instagram video. THE ROCK Gravity is about to flip... GERARD BUTLER Hold on to your BUT...LERS! The boys share a look like “Are we really about to do this? You’re Goddamn right we are.” They stand at the base of the Empire State Building with their snowboards tilted on the building. THE ROCK 3...2...1... HERE WE GO.

24. Gravity flips. Everything is upside Down. The boys are speeding up to the top of the Empire State Building. GERARD BUTLER We are doing it! We are actually doing it! MARK WAHLBERG Ugh guys.... I think we are in wicked trouble... The boys look up and see that everything from the street is barreling towards them... Cars... People... Street Signs... if it wasn’t bolted to the ground it’s flying towards them at full speed. The ice from the ground is shooting at them like daggers. They sway in and out of harm’s way. THE ROCK We’re almost there! A Scion TC is about to kill the Rock when suddenly it is knocked out the way. THE ROCK (CONT’D) WHAT THE... IT IS XANDER CAGE FROM THE TRIPLE X MOVIES on his famous skis. XANDER CAGE Didn’t think I’d miss the Triple X Games did you? THE ROCK Oh really? ummm.... XANDER CAGE Something wrong? THE ROCK No... I appreciate the help... I just think maybe we should have separate franchises for a little while. XANDER CAGE I just saved your life, bitch. THE ROCK See that’s what I’m talking about. There’s a lot of anger and hostility.

25. XANDER CAGE There’s no hostility. I saved your life and you’re being a dick for no reason at all. MARK WAHLBERG Any chance we can talk about this later over some Wahlburgers? We got a satellite to destroy. THE ROCK All we need to do is grab the satellite and when the gravity flips back we can take it down with us. The crew get to the top of the Empire State Building and soar towards the satellite. Mark Wahlberg, The Rock, Gerard Butler and Xander Cage grab tightly onto the satellite dish. OH shit. What?

MARK WAHLBERG THE ROCK

MARK WAHLBERG This is a DIRECT TV satellite. So what?

THE ROCK

MARK WAHLBERG I can’t destroy this. I’m in their commercials. I’m contractually obligated to play nice with them till 2025. That includes not destroying any of their products. XANDER CAGE This is our chance to save the world. GERARD BUTLER What’s more important. Money? Or humanity? MARK WAHLBERG Yeah... Says the guy who did “Gods of Egypt” and “London Has Fallen” in the same year.

26. GERARD BUTLER Fuck off... MARK WAHLBERG Alright. I’ll help you. But only cause I need to go to my daughter’s play. THEY PULL ON THE SATELLITE AS HARD AS THEY CAN. THE ROCK Should flip back in a couple more seconds. The gravity flips back and everything comes hurdling back towards earth but the satellite won’t budge. THE ROCK (CONT’D) PULL HARDER. XANDER CAGE I’m giving it everything I got. GERARD BUTLER WE have to try harder. THE ROCK Hey, Xander... What?

XANDER CAGE

THE ROCK Warner Brothers offered me a TRIPLE X spin-off franchise. XANDER CAGE WHAT?! FUCK THAT!!! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE CHARACTER DYNAMICS IN THE SERIES. A vein bulges out of Xander’s arm and the satellite breaks it’s hold in the sky and they all come trouncing towards earth holding the dish. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT As the satellite crashes on the ground the snow immediately stops. The ice is melting. People start to come outside again.

27. THE ROCK We did it. We saved the world. I just want to let you guys know I was thinking about you the whole time. If you died I wanted to die too. GERARD BUTLER That’s touching. THE ROCK Cause I couldn’t live another day without Folgers... Gerard turns to see the Rock posting another Instagram. GERARD BUTLER Mother fucker got me again. MARK WAHLBERG Isn’t there somewhere we all need to be right now? INT. FENWAY ELEMENTARY - NIGHT The elementary play version of “THE DEPARTED” is going off without a hitch. Wahlberg’s 7 year old daughter is playing Jack Nicholson’s character from the movie, Frank Costello. FRANK COSTELLO When I was your age they would say you could become cops or criminals... what I’m saying to you is this, when you’re facing a loaded gun... What’s the difference? The play gets a standing ovation. Wahlberg’s daughter looks out and sees an empty chair that says RESERVED. Mark didn’t make it. INT. DANCE HALL - NIGHT Gerard Butler’s daughter dances solo in front of a crowd but when she looks up... A reserved seat also shamefully remains unfilled.

28. INT. GOLD’S GYM - NIGHT A bunch of small children work out during this body building competition. The Rock’s daughter tries to bench her max weight but can’t get the weight up. THE ROCK’S DAUGHTER I NEED A SPOTTER! She looks up to see a cardboard cutout of her dad with a sign that says RESERVED SPOTTER. The weight crashes down. EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT The boys still ponder. THE ROCK Yeah... I feel like there is somewhere we need to be... OH YEAH I KNOW. SMASH CUT TO: INT. DAVE AND BUSTER’S TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT The Rock, Gerard Butler and Mark Wahlberg share a beer tower and some mozzarella sticks. GERARD BUTLER This rules! THE ROCK I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be. Same.

MARK WAHLBERG

GERARD BUTLER Guys, I want you to know something. You have all earned the right... To call me GERRY. THE ROCK That’s great. Gerard puts his phone down.

MARK WAHLBERG It’s an honor.

29. GERARD BUTLER Oh I wasn’t talking to you, I was filming a video for my Instagram... JUST KIDDING! The boys all cheers their glasses and celebrate. On the TV screens is a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet that says “GLOBAL WARMING?” with a screenshot of The Rock snowboarding up the Empire state building!

THE END!

OR IS IT???

30.

POST CREDIT SCENE

THE YEAR 2020 The Rock stands at a podium in front of a large crowd. THE ROCK Thank you all for gathering tonight. It was an honor to run against such great candidates such as Snooki, the Dell guy, 3 baby birds, the voice of Stimpy from Ren and Stimpy and of course the returning champion, Donald Trump. I am happy to have won the job of President of the United States, but I just wanted to prove that I COULD do it. Instead I am going to take the job of DANDER CAGE in the TRIPLE X spin-off series. XANDER CAGE STANDS UP. XANDER CAGE NO! NO! NOOOOO!!!!!!