The

Volume I, Issue 1

Booth

December 14, 2011

Print Investigative Report Reveals that Guys Do Not Wash Their Hands After Going to the Restroom

Koala Fun Fact of the Week

They are cute & cuddly & I want to hug ‘em & love ‘em. After an exhaustive 12 year study, it has been determined that the vast majority of guys do not wash their hands after using the restroom. Based on initial surveys, about 75% of guys reported washing their hands after using the restroom. But after an exhaustive study it has been determined that the actual percentage of guys washing hands after using the restroom is probably closer to 10%. Mr. Booth, an expert on washing hands, has lumped the hand washing patterns of men into 4 categories: 1) those that religiously wash their hands after using the restroom 2) those that never wash their hands after using the restroom 3) those that only wash their hands when there is someone else in the restroom, essentially out of guilt & 4) those that pretend to wash their hands after using the restroom, (Continued on pg. 2)

Will the Real Mr. Booth Please Stand Up?

Top Ten Things Mr. Booth Does Better Than You 10. Reenacting the scene from New Moon when Jacob ripped off his shirt 9. Knowing the rules of Review Game 8. Koala knowledge 7. His signature hair style 6. Being related to infamous assassins 5. Sporting dress pants & polos 4. Knowing what happened on the last episode of pretty much every show on MTV 3. Two words: Connect Four

3 of the following statements are true & 1 is a lie. Can you guess the lie correctly? (Answers on the back)  Used to live next door to a drug dealer that was busted by the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA).  Once forgot to have the Tooth Fairy “collect” his daughter’s tooth & exchange it for money.  If you look in Mr. Booth’s high school yearbook, you will see a picture of him where his hair is long & flowing, kind of like Fabio.  Mr. Booth’s 40” High Definition Television was destroyed after his son threw a bag of rocks at it.

2. Moon walking 1. Duh, winning

If I Had a Million Dollars… I would hire a legion of people to wait outside the Apple Store the day of the release of a new version of an iPad/iPhone (or something else with a lower case “i” (Continued on pg. 2)

Cooking with Mr. Booth Mr. Booth’s Famous Chili Recipe

Ingredients:  1 lb. of lean ground beef  Sweet onion (diced)  Green pepper (diced)  2 cans of diced tomatoes with green chilies  1 can of chili beans  1 can of kidney beans  1 can of black beans  Taco seasoning packet  Chili powder 2 tsp  Salt ½ tsp  Bag of Fritos  Shredded cheddar cheese Brown the lean ground beef (& drain the grease) in a large pot at medium heat. Add the diced sweet onion & green pepper to the meat (cook a couple minutes & drain again if necessary). Add the tomatoes & beans. Fill 3 of the cans with cold water (ideally the cans with chili beans & the tomatoes). Add the taco seasoning packet, the chili powder & salt. Increase the heat to high until boiling. After the soup reaches boiling, decrease the heat to medium-low, cover the pot, & simmer for 20-30 minutes. Serve in a bowl & eat with Fritos & shredded cheese (optional).

Unrequested Relationship Advice

Just like you can’t teach an old dog to do new tricks, you also can’t teach a man to do new tricks. Some women think, “Wow. This guy has so much potential, if I could just get him to stop playing video games, stop watching sports, & start washing his hands after he goes to the bathroom.” Guess what? If a guy doesn’t do those things before you met him, he never will. Should guys spend more time listening to how you day went than watching reruns of Jersey Shore? Yeah, probably. Will they? No, probably not. Best case scenario is that a guy will pretend to not do the things that annoy you. For instance, my wife absolutely hates watching the same movie multiple times. Which means that I will just wait for my wife to fall asleep on the couch at about 10:15 p.m. on a Saturday night & then proceed to watch “The Matrix” for about the thousandth time.

If I Had a Million Dollars (Continued from pg. 1) in front of it) to buy out the store’s supply. As my minions come out of the store with the brand new piece of electronics, my legion would then proceed to smash it with their shoes, pour a bottle of water over the top of it, have them yell loudly “Long live Microsoft,” & then run away while giving themselves high fives & hugs. Why you may ask? Because I can. Guys Don’t Wash Hands (Continued from pg. 1) by just running the smallest bit of water over their hands but with no soap. It has been determined that those report washing their hands are predominately made up of those that fit into category #3 or #4. Going #1 or #2 also apparently has very little impact on a guys willingness to wash his hands. So ladies beware of the gross hands of the male population. Answers to Will the Real Mr. Booth Please Stand Up? (continued from pg. 1)  True, the federal agents came though his yard with their guns drawn while he was warming his daughter’s baby bottle.  True, to cover the mistake, he put a dollar bill in the trash can & said “Oh look, she hid your money in the garbage.”  False, Mr. Booth has had the same hairstyle since before all the students at OSHS were born (although it used to be taller).  True…sadly.