TEASER FADE IN: EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT A taxi drives through a suburban neighborhood. It stops in front of a house. A single street lamp illuminates the front yard. A man steps out of the taxi, a hat obscuring his face. He carries a leather bound suitcase. The taxi drives off, leaving the man standing at the driveway. He stares at the house as a strange mist encases him. Wait. We’ve seen this scene before. This is most definitely a rip-off of The Exorcist. But, don’t worry, this show is about a priest, and he does perform exorcisms, so it’s an appropriate comparison to make. The man is revealed to be ASHLEY CHURCH (late 20s). He wears a black dress shirt with a tab collar. Classic priest attire. Ashley looks at the lamp, then at the house, then at his briefcase. The realization hits that he’s living in his favorite horror movie. He smiles brightly, taking a moment to appreciate the scene. When satisfied, he walks up to the front door and knocks. KEVIN WEST (late 30s) opens the door. He’s white, chubby, has a growing neck beard, and dresses like a high school sophomore. KEVIN Ashley Church? In an Irish accent -ASHLEY That’s right. KEVIN Please, come in, Father.

2.

INT. KEVIN’S HOUSE - NIGHT Ashley steps into the house. He takes off his hat to reveal his messy ginger hair. Kevin takes out his wallet. KEVIN I forgot to ask. Do you charge by the hour? ASHLEY No, I charge by case. KEVIN So, how much is it gonna be? ASHLEY Depends on your monster. If it’s fake, well, I’m going to charge you a hell of a lot for wasting my time and interest, but if it’s real, and different and intriguing, if it’s a demon or a ghost, if it tries to kill me, or rip my insides out, if it knows all my deepest darkest secrets just by staring through my soul, (flatly) Well then it’ll be around three hundred dollars, I don’t take checks. Kevin stares at him. He puts his wallet back into his pocket. ASHLEY (CONT’D) So, where is it? CUT TO: Kevin turns on the light to his bedroom. Ashley walks into the bedroom. KEVIN It comes at night. Ashley inspects the bed by pushing down on it. ASHLEY Same time? KEVIN No.

3.

Ashley nods. He moves over to the closet and begins searching through Kevin’s clothes. ASHLEY What does it look like? KEVIN A woman. A really hot woman. ASHLEY What are you doing when it comes? KEVIN Nothing really. Watching Netflix, I guess. Ashley moves away from the closet. ASHLEY What were you watching? KEVIN Does that matter? Ashley opens his drawers. He looks through Kevin’s clothes. ASHLEY I once dealt with a ghost who only appeared when Gossip Girl was playing on the TV of the house, turned out to be a middle aged woman who never got to finish the show before she died. So, we spent the night watching the last two seasons, then she was ready to pass on. What were you watching? Ashley closes the drawers. KEVIN (ashamed) It wasn’t actually Netflix. Ashley looks to him. ASHLEY What was it, then? KEVIN (looking down) It was porn. Ashley raises an eyebrow.

4.

KEVIN (CONT’D) Listen, Father, please, don’t judge me, I swear I’ll go to church tomorrow and confess and repent and do fifty hail marys. Is that how hail marys work? ASHLEY Calm down, mate, I’m not a priest. KEVIN What? ASHLEY I’m not a priest. KEVIN Then, why the hell are you dressed like that? ASHLEY Well, I was a priest, now it’s just a marketing tactic. People seem to trust me more, not sure why, the Catholic church has had a horrid track record. KEVIN But, you can still get rid of this thing? ASHLEY Of course. (nonchalantly) Now, I need you to fire up your laptop, pop off those trousers, and beat one off. Kevin stares, with wide eyes, and is at a loss for words. Ashley smiles and places a hand on his shoulder. ASHLEY (CONT’D) I’ll be right outside. He walks out. ASHLEY (O.S.) (CONT’D) Give me a shout when it comes. CUT TO: Ashley sits, leaning against Kevin’s bedroom door. He opens his briefcase.

5.

It’s full of loose papers with odd symbols and writings, and one leather bound book. Ashley picks up the book and begins looking through it. ASHLEY (CONT’D) How’s it going in there, mate? KEVIN (O.S.) Uh, fine! Ashley flips through the pages of rituals and spells. He folds the corner of a page. A SHRILL SCREAM comes from the bedroom. KEVIN (CONT’D) IT’S HERE! IT’S HERE! Ashley jumps up and bursts through the bedroom door. He takes the book with him. Kevin sits on the floor next to his bed, frantically pulling up his underwear when Ashley walks in, but he isn’t paying attention to him. Ashley is too focused on the BEAUTIFUL WOMAN in the corner of the bedroom. She wears a thin white dress. She looks like a Renaissance painting of Eve. She shifts her gaze from Kevin to Ashley. ASHLEY Hello there. He approaches her. ASHLEY (CONT’D) Kevin, mind giving this lovely lady and I some privacy? Kevin nods and gets up. He pulls up his pants and runs out. The woman smiles at Ashley. ASHLEY (CONT’D) You’re not a ghost, no, you’re too brave. What are you doing showing yourself like this? She tilts her head, confused. ASHLEY (CONT’D) What do you want from him? Ashley walks around her, inspecting her.

6.

ASHLEY (CONT’D) His body? His soul? And, why when he’s jerking off, huh? Can you talk? The woman continues staring at him. ASHLEY (CONT’D) Fascinating. The woman comes closer to him. She places a hand on his cheek Ashley places his hand on hers. ASHLEY (CONT’D) You even feel real. The woman kisses him. He kisses back. Ashley grins when they pull back. He takes his hand off of hers. The woman takes off her white dress, revealing white undergarments. ASHLEY (CONT’D) Sorry, sweetheart, that won’t work on me. Ashley breathes in. ASHLEY (CONT’D) I like men. The woman face morphs to a frown, then something uglier. Her skin cracks, her hair turns black, her eyes become milky white. A gust of wind push the windows opens. ASHLEY (CONT’D) Yeah, that’s right. You’re a succubus. Always wondered if I’d be immune to you lot. Well, this was fun, but, time for you to go. He opens the book to the page he marked earlier. He reads off of it. ASHLEY (CONT’D) I adjure you, ancient serpent, by the judge of the living and the dead, by your Creator, by the Creator of the whole universe,

7.

The demon lets out a shrill scream. The lights flicker. The room begins to shake, like an earthquake. ASHLEY (CONT’D) (louder) By Him who has the power to consign you to hell, to depart forthwith in fear, along with your savage minions, from this servant of God, who seeks refuge in the fold of the church. The demon charges towards Ashley, knocking him onto the ground, but he continues. ASHLEY (CONT’D) (shouting) I adjure you again, not by my weakness but by the might of the Holy Spirit -The demon SCREAMS louder. It bursts through the ceiling. The room stops shaking. Ashley looks around, then carefully stands. Kevin runs into the room. KEVIN What the hell happened? ASHLEY I was just the victim of a hate crime. KEVIN Is it gone? ASHLEY You had a succumbs hiding in here, very dangerous creatures, they use their sex appeal to -KEVIN Yeah, okay, but IS IT GONE? ASHLEY Should be. KEVIN Did you kill it? ASHLEY No, I didn’t kill it. I banished it, went back to its body.

8.

KEVIN But, it won’t come back. ASHLEY Not to this house. It’s too much work for it to track you down again, it’ll move on to another man to seduce. Kevin sighs a brief of relief. ASHLEY (CONT’D) Tell me, Kevin, did you have sex with it? KEVIN Just once. ASHLEY Only once? KEVIN The first time she came. She was just so beautiful, it felt like nothing else mattered but her. ASHLEY And the other times she came? KEVIN She wasn’t interested anymore, and neither was I. I was just scared. ASHLEY So, she charms you once, then makes sure you aren’t cheating on her with porn? It doesn’t make sense. Why she would sleep with you, not kill you, then hang around your bedroom? KEVIN I don’t know, man, as long as she’s gone. Let me pay you. Kevin leaves the room. Ashley takes a second to think, then follows him. CUT TO: Kevin counts the bills as Ashley stands next to the door with his briefcase and wearing his Merrin hat. He finishes counting the dollars then hands them to Ashley.

9.

KEVIN (CONT’D) Three hundred. I’m glad you didn’t find it boring. ASHLEY So am I. I’ve been in a bit of a rough patch when it comes to these cases. Last one was this woman whose cat wouldn’t move from one spot on her couch. This was quite refreshing. Kevin just nods. KEVIN Okay, well, thank you. He opens the door for Ashley. ASHLEY Call me if it comes back. KEVIN Will do. Good night. ASHLEY Good night. Kevin shuts the door. Ashley walks down the driveway and waits on the sidewalk for one last shot of the iconic film.