FEAR OF CLOWNS A 10-Minute Comedy By Todd Wallinger

Copyright 2012 by Todd Wallinger

1 CHARACTERS THE DOCTOR, competent, caring THE CLOWN, melancholy SETTING A psychiatrist's office TIME The present

2 SCENE 1 An empty armchair and couch are CENTER. The DOCTOR is writing at his desk, RIGHT. At first, all is silent. Then from OFFSTAGE comes the sound of laughter—loud, raucous, annoying even, like a bad TV laugh track. The DOCTOR looks up. This is not a place where laughter is normally heard. He listens for a moment, then returns to his work. A knock sounds, so hesitant at first that the DOCTOR doesn’t hear it. Then it sounds again, louder, more insistent. The DOCTOR goes to the door. The CLOWN enters. With his brightly colored costume and exaggerated, painted-on smile, he's the very picture of fun and childlike joy. But there seems to be something wrong with him, for he stoops as though he’s carrying all the sadness in the world. DOCTOR May I help you? CLOWN Are you Dr. Reinhardt? DOCTOR Yes... CLOWN The eminent psychiatrist, Dr. Reinhardt? DOCTOR Well, I don’t know about eminent— CLOWN I need to talk to you. DOCTOR I’m sorry, but I was just— CLOWN You don’t want to talk to me? DOCTOR It’s not that. It’s just that, well, my schedule is extremely tight as it is. I’m not really able to take on any new patients.

3 CLOWN I’m sorry for bothering you, Doctor. (The CLOWN starts for the door. Struck by the aura of unrelenting sadness about him, the DOCTOR has a change of heart.) DOCTOR Wait. (The CLOWN pauses.) DOCTOR My last patient didn’t show up. I was hoping to get caught up on my article, but, well, if it’s only this one time and if we keep it to ten minutes— CLOWN Ten minutes is all I need. DOCTOR That's fine then. Why don’t you lie down? (The DOCTOR grabs a notepad and pen from his desk and moves to the armchair. The CLOWN stretches out on the floor.) DOCTOR I meant on the couch. CLOWN Oh. Sorry. (The CLOWN lies down on the couch.) DOCTOR All right then, Mr.— I’m sorry. I didn’t catch your name. CLOWN My name is Mongo. Mongo the Merry. DOCTOR Uh huh. And why did you want to speak with me today, Mongo? CLOWN Well, Doctor, I think I'm— No. This is going to sound silly. DOCTOR I assure you, Mongo. There's nothing you can say that would surprise me. CLOWN Are you sure? DOCTOR Most definitely. I am a professional, after all.

4 CLOWN All right, then, Doctor. I think I'm afraid of— Oh, how can I put this? DOCTOR Heights? Snakes? Speaking in public? CLOWN No. People. DOCTOR (Surprised) People? CLOWN Yes, people. DOCTOR What kind of people? CLOWN Oh, you know. Short people. Tall people. Skinny people. Fat people. DOCTOR You’re afraid of all people. Is that what you’re saying? CLOWN I don’t have to. DOCTOR And why is that? CLOWN Because you just did. DOCTOR Good point, good point. (Pause) Tell me, Mongo. Are you afraid of me? CLOWN Oh no, Doctor. DOCTOR And why not? CLOWN Well, you haven't made the sound yet... DOCTOR The sound? CLOWN Yes. It’s a terrible, hideous sound. It seems to follow me wherever I go. Sometimes I can’t get it out of my head.

5 (The CLOWN claps his hands over his ears as through trying to block the sound. The DOCTOR is too busy taking notes to see.) DOCTOR And what sound is that? CLOWN Excuse me? DOCTOR (Louder) What sound— (The DOCTOR looks up, sees that the CLOWN has his hands over his ears. He gets up, pulls the CLOWN’s hands away from his ears and sits back down.) DOCTOR I said, what sound is it that follows you? CLOWN Well, it’s hard to describe, Doctor. But it’s an explosive sound, like a great burst of air erupting from their insides. DOCTOR Could you recreate this sound for me? CLOWN I don’t think so, Doctor. I mean, I’ve never done it myself. DOCTOR Well, try. CLOWN All right. Here goes. (Takes a deep breath.) Ha ha ho. (Louder and more forceful) Ha ha hee ho. (More forceful still, until he nearly collapses with laughter) Ha ha hee hee ho hee ho! DOCTOR Laughter, you mean. CLOWN Is that what they call it? DOCTOR That’s what most people call it, yes. CLOWN Well, I don’t like it.

6 DOCTOR Why do you think people laugh at you? CLOWN I don’t know, really. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do. People just laugh. (The CLOWN tries to cross his legs but loses his balance and ends up sprawling onto the floor.) DOCTOR Well, is there a particular time where people laugh at you? (The CLOWN climbs back into his chair.) CLOWN Oh, yes. DOCTOR And when is that? CLOWN Daytime. DOCTOR Look, Mongo. I’m trying to help you here, but you’re not really giving me much to go on. CLOWN Sorry. DOCTOR Let’s try this. Can you describe a particular instance when people laughed at you? CLOWN Most definitely. (The DOCTOR waits for the CLOWN to explain, but all that follows is an awkward silence. When the DOCTOR realizes that the CLOWN isn't going to explain, he speaks again.) DOCTOR Please go ahead and describe it. CLOWN Oh. Well, it happened this morning at work— DOCTOR Ah, now we're getting somewhere. And where do you work? CLOWN I'm in show business. DOCTOR Oh, really? Are you an actor? Dancer?

7 CLOWN Something like that. DOCTOR Go on. CLOWN Well, I was carpooling to work with twelve of my co-workers— DOCTOR Excuse me. How many did you say? CLOWN Twelve. DOCTOR In one car? CLOWN Yes. How else would you carpool? END OF SAMPLE