INT. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM - DAY ALICE (18) is the good girl from a John Hughes film, premakeover. She’d be mousey if she wasn’t at least a little aware of her nerdy-cute aesthetic. She sits in the middle of a packed 300-person classroom while PROFESSOR TODD (47) lectures. Professor Todd looks like the “inconceivable!” guy from “The Princess Bride.” He drones, reluctantly, like he’d much rather be doing something much more interesting, like alphabetizing his encyclopedias or playing chess online. Alice, ever-so-mild-and-studious, eagerly takes notes. There is an empty seat next to her. The class is silent. Professor Todd runs a tight ship. He is definitely one of those people who builds the tiny ships inside the glass bottles. Enter GWEN (19), who looks like the beautiful blonde popular villain from whatever movie Alice transcended from (before that final scene where her heart grows three sizes and she learns beauty is only skin-deep, of course.) Like a young Kate Hudson or any girl at a frat party before she yells “I’m gonna do a keg stand!” Gwen busts through the back doors of the classroom, drawing attention to her. The class watches as she ambles to the open seat next to Alice. She plops herself down into her seat, slinging one leg across the other in a way that makes you think, “Dang, I didn’t know sitting could be an art.” GWEN (Whispering) What did I miss? Alice stares at her blankly. Her giant nerd glasses appear the magnify her judgemental glare, peering into Gwen’s shallow soul. Or maybe she’s just squinting to see the board. Her glasses help with that, too. ALICE Two thirds of the class. Gwen nods. Perfect.

GWEN

2. Alice returns to her note taking, more frantic than before. She missed a precious ten seconds of scribbling she has to make up for. GWEN (CONT’D) Can I have a pen? Alice rolls her eyes and surrenders a ballpoint pen, the least fancy of the spread she has set up on her tiny lecture hall desk. GWEN (CONT’D) Hey! Hey. Hey! She taps on Alice’s shoulder. Alice turns around, angry. GWEN (CONT’D) Can I borrow paper too? Alice looks at Gwen’s desk and sees she brought nothing to class, not even a backpack. She hands her a piece of paper and resumes working. She’s less annoyed and more amused at this point. She laughs. Too loudly. PROFESSOR TODD Ladies in the back, this is my class, not yours. (To himself) But you can have it if you want it. Alice is mildly terrified. She’s not used to being called out like that. She looks at Gwen, who is smiling. GWEN You wanna hang out after class? Alice nods. INT. COLUMBIA STUDENT UNION - A FEW DAYS LATER Everyone is hunched in groups, studying silently. Talking isn’t forbidden in this room, but Ivy League students are notoriously nerdy.

3. ALICE (V.O.) Hang out with you? Sure. I’m nice. Do a group project with the girl who comes to class without any of the basic essentials for preparedness — much less, the recommended backup supply...Ugh, I guess I can’t lose my 4.0 if I can’t even get it my first semester of class. She scans the room, jealous of all of the studious groups. She fixates on one particularly productive couple. They’re holding hands across the table, completely engrossed by their respective giant textbooks. ALICE (V.O.) I swear to God she better be lost or kidnapped or Taken or... Gwen ambles into the room, two to-go coffees in hand. Alice reaches out to grab one, smiling, and Gwen maintains a tight grip n both cups. No coffee for Alice, just a panicked coverup hand gesture. GWEN I hate this class. ALICE Great. Glad you’re here. GWEN I had to run some errands. Anyway, I hate it. It’s not related to what I want to do with my life at all. ALICE (Reluctantly) What do you want to do? GWEN Be recognized for my fullest potential, as a performer... Gwen bows to Alice. GWEN (CONT’D) ...a businesswoman... She sips her drink. Then, her other drink. GWEN (CONT’D) And some day, a trophy wife.

4. Again, with the artisinal sitting process. Alice does not appreciate it, as she has been rolling her eyes so much through this speech she looks like a drunk cartoon character. GWEN (CONT’D) I don’t wanna spend college flying under the radar, you know? ALICE I know, and everyone else who is in our class definitely knows. GWEN It’s hard when your dad is the dean of Columbia, anyway. I figured I’d try to make myself known to people for more than just that. ALICE Wait, what? GWEN You didn’t know that? Come on. I’m on every prospective student brochure. I How do you think I got in here? ALICE I wish I’d known that before I chose you as a partner. (Laughs) Can your dad help us out with our final grade on this project? GWEN Academic scandal is not a joke, Alice. Besides, it’s just part of his recent campaign to be a Good Dad he’s launched after skipping out on most of my childhood to dig up rocks in Paraguay or bone his secretary or whoever’s story you believe. ALICE Okay, well, we better get started on this project then. It’s worth half our grade, and our turn to present is coming up sooner rather than later —

5. GWEN Chill, fam. I’ve got this down to a science, or a theory, or a manifesto or whatever it is in English. I’m not gonna let this assignment weigh me down. I’m good when it comes down to the wire. ALICE I’m not, so can we get started? GWEN Oh, don’t get your panties in a bunch. I already have an idea. INT. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM - DAYS LATER “PRESENTATION DAY” is scrawled on the whiteboard. Professor Todd is wearing his finest sweater vest, sitting in the front row on his flip phone, likely playing solitaire. Alice sits beside him. She looks around the full classroom in panic. Gwen is no where to be found. ALICE (V.O.) I can’t believe I picked a group project partner who didn’t bring a backpack to the first day of class. I should not have trusted that girl. She searches her notes, looking at keywords and struggling to breathe. PROFESSOR TODD Alice, you’re up. Alice panics. She springs out of her seat and wanders up to the podium where she paces in a tight loop like a coked-up business guy from the 1980s trying to quickly come up with a plan to save the stock market. ALICE My partner isn’t here. I need her to be able to do this. PROFESSOR TODD You can wait for her if you want to lose ten points. Alice, determined, clenches her fists like she is Superman about to fly away. She does not want to lose ten points.

6. She takes a deep breath and commands the attention of the perpetually-nervous class. ALICE (Loud, but timid) So Salinger is my topic today, and he is like, really important, and you should think of him, as...like...Oh my god, I can’t do this. Alice gathers her things to go back to her seat, giving up on the presentation. ALICE (V.O.) This isn’t Hogwarts. My dignity is not worth ten points. Suddenly, there is a burst of light in the back of the classroom. It’s from the door and not supernatural at all, but it perfectly illuminates the blond hair of a figure who ambles slowly to the front of the class with everyone watching. The figure is Gwen, who has a backpack. She dims the lights in the room, pulls out a computer, and connects it to the projector. The lights go down and she pulls out a speaker, a cordless microphone and a remote. GWEN Any of you bad bitches ready to learn about Salinger? Cause it’s about to get reaaaaaaal 1950s angsty up in here... She tosses Alice a remote. Alice pressed a button, which makes a rap horn sound. Alice presses another button, and a PowerPoint appears on screen. She flips through various pictures of J.D. Salinger, a shockingly beautiful old guy, as Gwen raps. Cut to Alice staring at Gwen with strobe lights reflected on her face, as happens when a little white girl starts rapping about a great American novelist. GWEN (CONT’D) “The name is Salinger Ladies call me J.D. Famous for my emo works How pubescent of me! (MORE)

7. GWEN (CONT’D) Fencing, acting, writing Yeah the best of my heat Kinda sucked at school though Dropped that to import meat Then left for the U.S. Can’t do school, won’t cool down Left Vienna before Hitler Got to (rap horn) up (rap horn) in town Good thing I escaped cause I’m a real Kosher guy Baseball mit in a grain field Ya'know catcher in the rye First a ‘New Yorker’ reject Drafted before I complained Saw combat three times and Still escaped with my brain Then I fell deep in love With some chick named Oona She’s kinda of (rap horn) tho Left and let Chaplain do’er Through publishing battles And failure through and through Wrote some literary brat Holden Caulfield, my dude I got five published books Twenty published stories Eight unpublished works Bet I bagged all that glory Feeling alienated Wrote about it till I died So (rap horn) eloquent Ask yo girl if she cried Now in ‘Bojack Horseman’ I never died at all Faked my death for attention Is that true? Your call.” Gwen hangs her head, arms crossed. The class sits in stunned silence, then erupts in applause. Alice smiles at Gwen. Gwen raises her head, breaking character, whatever that character was, and basking in glory.

8. GWEN (CONT’D) You should never doubt me. ALICE I think I probably should, just to be safe. But good job. CLOSE UP: A young Lin-Manuel Miranda is in the class. This is the inspiration for the musical “Hamilton.” INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT - DAY SUPER: 3 years later Alice, now 21, is sitting on a sofa in the apartment. She is typing on a laptop. The walls around her are lined with pictures of her and her friends - mostly Gwen. There are quite a few paintings hanging alongside posters from movies and television. A full size poster of John Travolta in “Saturday Night Fever” looms above Alice’s shoulder. Gwen is standing near her in the kitchen eating out of a pudding cup with its own lid. When Alice and Gwen talk, it is like watching the dialogue in “Gilmore Girls” on fast forward, or like watching a bunch of coked-up soccer moms talk about recipes or Wine and Design class. ALICE Do you have your rent money? I’m paying bills. GWEN No, Shake Shack hasn’t paid me yet. ALICE Gwen, Shake Shack hasn’t paid you because you got fired for giving free frozen yogurt to dogs. You are not going to get paid. GWEN Ugh, but come on. It’s almost graduation. What am I going to do, look for another job? ALICE Yeah, that is what grown people do in capitalisitc societies. Don’t you wanna stay here? In New York? It’s *the dream* isn’t it?

9. GWEN Yeah, but I don’t wanna work for it. ALICE Gwen, you cannot just sit around eating pudding all day. You have to know how expensive rent is here. It is famously expensive! And our parents are not going to help us out when we graduate next month. GWEN I’ll have you know I haven’t had pudding in years. I was just watching this Adam Sandler film when he mentioned it and... ALICE Okay, respectable, employed people don’t watch Adam Sandler movies. Unless it was Billy Madison or Happy Gilmore. GWEN It was Billy Madison. ALICE Okay, well, fine. Cool. GWEN (In the voice of the principal from “Billy Madison”) May God have mercy on your soul. They just look at each other. Alice cracks up. ALICE Can you just use a spoon, please! I know you have a massive spoon collection with the faces of every character from “Animal House” on them. GWEN I would never use those spoons. I love them more than my own children.

10. ALICE Your children don’t exist, much to their benefit. GWEN Oh, chill out. I got you one too. Gwen tosses Alice a cup. GWEN (CONT’D) Vanilla, your favorite. Just like your personality. Alice laughs and rapidly gets serious. ALICE Just get me some rent check money ASAP, please. I don’t want to leave here. I don’t want to go back home. Use your art history major to do whatever those people do. GWEN They work as professional art consultants, obviously! They can be very rich. Just think about any person you’ve ever seen looking at a painting. Very fancy! Why don’t you do more of your English major stuff? ALICE I’m afraid this major was an oversight. I just want to write, but it seems like working at a bakery is a little more dignified than being a struggling writer. Also, that is an exhausting cliche. GWEN You are an exhausting cliche! Just do whatever you want. That’s what I do. ALICE Then who will pay the bills? GWEN (To the tune of “Bills Bills Bills” by Destiny’s Child) “Can you pay my telephone bills?/ Do you pay my automo' bills?/ If you did then maybe we could chill!”

11. Gwen exits as Alice rolls her eyes. INT. BOOK CULTURE - DAY SUPER: One year later Alice, now 22, works as a cashier. Sometimes she gets to reshelve stuff, which is nice because she likes books. Mostly she just answers the phone and tells old ladies that this hasn’t been a craft store for four years now. SFX: Phone ringing ALICE Hello, Book Culture, a book store and not a craft store. Alice speaking, how may I help you? The screen splits. On the left Alice scans books. On the right Gwen sits on their couch in their apartment. She reaches for something on the ground but can’t seem to grab it. GWEN (yelling) Guess what I bought! What? A ferret!

ALICE GWEN

On the left Alice stops working. ALICE ....a what? GWEN A ferret! A domesticated, usually red-eyed, and albinic variety of the polecat, used in Europe for driving rabbits and rats from their burrows. On the right Gwen scoops up something that would definitely be described as a polecat and holds it to her chest, swaddled in a blanket.

12. ALICE I know what it is, but what the hell? How did you find one? Aren’t they expensive? GWEN Remember that money I got back when you made me return the in-house jacuzzi I bought? I found the money on the table and this ferret was like, a bunch of dollars less expensive. On the left Alice lowers her body to the floor behind the counter like she’s on an elevator descending to the pits of her despair. Gwen...

ALICE

GWEN It kind of smells bad but I’m putting lots of air fresheners in its cage when I get a cage... On the left Alice sinks lower so she is lying flat on the floor on her back. On the right Gwen sniffs the ferret and makes a face. In a dramatic fit of squirming, it escapes and darts away from her. She does not chase it. Gwen...

ALICE

GWEN Right now he’s running around the room and he keeps biting the furniture a little bit but honestly it looks like any dog could have done it and that stuff was so old.. On the left Alice rolls over, burying her face into the musty, dirty carpet. ALICE (Muffled) Gwen... GWEN The guy at the flea market I bought him from said that he would poop everywhere but so far I have only seen him poop once on the carpet...

13. On the left Alice props herself up on her elbows. On the right Gwen sniffs. ALICE (yelling) Gwen!!! What?

GWEN

ALICE That wasn’t the jacuzzi money. The jacuzzi money went to paying for the water damage the jacuzzi did. Oh, yeah.

GWEN

On the left Alice is seething. She stands up and angrily paces behind the counter, just like she did when Gwen didn’t show up for that presentation. On the right Gwen gets more and more excited. ALICE That was our rent money. That was all of the money we had. I was going to take it to the landlord... GWEN Oh no. Oh no. ALICE Where did you get the ferret? Can you take it back? Please? Hurry? The rent is due next week and I don’t get paid again and you don’t even have a job... Well... WHAT.

GWEN ALICE

GWEN The guy I bought it from sort of had a no returns policy. And by that I mean he disappeared as soon as I bought him. Because buying a ferret in New York City is kind of illegal.

14. SFX: Alice’s sad, barely human noises. GWEN (CONT’D) But guess what I named him! Beat. GUESS!

GWEN (CONT’D)

Beat. GWEN (CONT’D) FERRET BUELLER! END SPLIT SCREEN Alice drops the phone on the ground. With tears in our eyes, she looks up and makes eye contact with a teenage boy customer standing in front of the cash register. He fiddles with the strings of his hoodie, as teens do, and looks horrified. ALICE Hi, how many I help you? INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT - NIGHT Alice walks through the door to find the ferret has run rampant. It’s chewing at the edge of the sofa and it has left tiny paw marks on surfaces. Alice makes a face because it smells like a back alley ferret would. Gwen rushes to Alice with a plate of store bought cookies carelessly arranged and hands them to her. She gives her a hug. Alice stares blankly. GWEN I realize this is a terrible situation, but I have a plan. She pulls out her phone. GWEN (CONT’D) I made an Instagram account for Ferret. I’m going to dress him up in tiny outfits and take pictures and he is going to be famous and it is going to make us rich!

15. Alice grabs the phone from her and looks at the account. ALICE Okay, you have three followers -one is you, one is a spam account, and one is a middle schooler in Ohio. I hate to assume this but it might not pay the bills this month. Gwen snatches her phone back and they walk over to Gwen’s computer sitting on the table. GWEN I do have some other ideas, though. They both look at the screen. ALICE Craigslist? Are you going to sell something? GWEN Furniture, with light nibbles from a ferret. Someone could be into it. Speaking of that, look here. ALICE You can’t get a sugar daddy. You will get kidnapped and I will have to come and find you and then I’ll get kidnapped too. GWEN Yeah, but they’ll base a “Law and Order” episode on us, and it’s got to pay well, right? Alice ignores her. CLOSE UP: An ad on the side of the craigslist webpage. ALICE Look at this! Gwen leans in. GWEN Ew, god, turn on ad blocker. ALICE No way. That’s how websites make money, doofus. Anyway, this is cool.

16. GWEN NYU pays for ads on craigslist? Lame. ALICE They also pay people to do research studies, look it. You can make a few hundred bucks being a test subject for some nerds. Let’s do one! She types quickly like a computer hacker. GWEN Ugh, I don’t want to go all the way there. I’ll get lost and end up in New Jersey again. Alice reads about the studies, listing some off. ALICE Stop me when you hear one you like. First, a study about listening. GWEN Nah, too hard. ALICE A study about sleep. You have to stay in bed all day for three days. Sounds like you every Tuesday to Thursday! GWEN Nah, too careless. I’m a parent now. Who will feed Ferret Bueller? ALICE Not me. Good point. What about a study about attention? Beat. GWEN Oh sorry, what did you say? Alice rolls her eyes and keeps reading. ALICE Okay, this one has gotta be easy. It has to do with falling in love. (MORE)

17. ALICE (CONT'D) The researchers want to test this old study that says you can make anyone fall in love with anyone using just a few questions. GWEN The only things I love are overdramatic scripted television, Shake Shack and myself. ALICE Well, maybe that will help with the study. GWEN I make someone fall in love with me every time we go out. This’ll be a piece of cake. I bet you whatever my next job’s salary is that I can woo this person easy. ALICE I don’t doubt that. I’ll give you my salary and a piece of cake if you wake up in time to go to this. They shake hands. CLOSE UP: Computer screen Alice Alice fills out a background survey as Gwen. She answers the questions as though Gwen is looking for love. Meanwhile, Gwen plays with the ferret, which mostly just wants to bite her. EXT. STREET IN MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - THE NEXT DAY The girls are rushing. GWEN Thanks for making sure I don’t get lost. ALICE Well, I need the money too. Besides, you slept through your alarm for an hour.

18. GWEN I did not! I didn’t set an alarm. I didn’t want to disturb Ferret’s sleep. I relied on my maternal instincts to wake me up when it’s time to feed him, but I guess they haven’t kicked in yet... ALICE I’d be worried if they had. Alice lightens up. INT. NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY - CONTINUOUS ALICE Did you leave Ferret food in his cage? GWEN You had some leftover Easy Mac beside your bed and I think he scamped that way. Should be fine until we get back. Alice laughs but then becomes suddenly somber when she realizes Gwen might not be kidding. INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT - ALICE’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS Ferret is all snuggled up in Alice’s bed eating Macaroni and Cheese. SFX: Dr. Phil is on TV telling a woman it’s not a good idea to blind yourself with drain cleaner for attention. EXT. - STREET IN GREENWICH VILLAGE - 20 MINUTES LATER Still rushing. GWEN Hey Alice.. ALICE (panicking) What? What? What’s wrong? GWEN Nothing, nothing. I’m just nervous. Trying not to think about it. What if he’s ugly or sweaty or smelly?

19. ALICE He can’t smell worse than our new roommate. Gwen is, surprisingly, serious. GWEN I think it will be very easy for someone to fall in love with me, but what if I fall too? What if he is just way too into me? ALICE Like a stalker? Well the release form saysGWEN No, not like a stalker. I’d love that. What if he, like, (shudders) wants a relationship?? She seems legitimately upset. Alice puts an arm around her. ALICE Stay strong and stay cold. Like you said, this is like any old night at the bar. If you start to catch feelings, imagine him in a leather vest or insulting Justin Bieber. That’ll shut you right off. GWEN But what if I do if I kind of... want to find love? What if I’m lonely and acting out and buying illegal pets to try to feel needed? Alice laughs and shakes her head. ALICE Don’t sweat it. You’re a tough single lady and you’re about that money-- just do what you’re supposed to, get the money, and get home to me and Ferret. Gwen gets a gleam in her eye and her face turns deadly serious. GWEN I’m about that money. I’m about that money!

20. INT. NYU RESEARCH CENTER LOBBY - A FEW MINUTES LATER Gwen clutches a magazine as Alice looks at it over her shoulder. They point out things that celebrities are up to and make jokes about it. A nerdy man in a lab coat (29) walks up to Alice. He has a friendly face but is essentially devoid of any sort of swagger. He shakes Alice’s hand firmly and makes lots of aggressive eye contact. CAMERON Hi, Gwen. I’m Cameron Johns, a professor at the psychology department here. Thanks for your interest in the study. ALICE (Laughing) Actually, this is Gwen. She gestures to Gwen. Gwen is absorbed in a story about the Duggars. She swats at Gwen’s leg, and she stands up, startled. Cameron looks embarrassed. He limply shakes Gwen’s hand. CAMERON So this study is called “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness” and it was famously executed by a group of scientists in 1997. The idea is that you and a partner answer a list of questions about yourself and one another within a time restraint. There are 37 questions total, and the study should take about two hours. This is part one of the assessment. Part two will be completed in a few weeks and you will be debriefed at that point. Any questions? EXT. STREET IN GREENWICH VILLAGE - DAY MONTAGE: - Alice runs errands, stopping by various little shops like a frantic Carrie Bradshaw. She looks at a candle at one.

21. - She looks at a metal elephant at another. - She runs from a tattoo artist at another. - She stares at buildings, tall buildings, fast walkers and pigeons and it’s clear she loves it in New York. - A billboard with a smiling couple catches her eye. She stops in the middle of the street to look at it and is nearly run over by a jolly couple holding hands. END MONTAGE She scoffs and strolls past a pet store, looking longingly inside at the puppies in the window. A couple exits the building and Alice rolls her eyes. She wanders back where she came from. ALICE (V.O.) Gwen got us into this mess, but I can’t help but think that maybe I should be the one doing the study. Last time I felt truly in love was, well, a year ago when I finished the “Pride and Prejudice” audiobook and fought off feelings for Mr. Darcy for the umpteenth time. There seem to be couples everywhere. There always does when you’re single. ALICE (V.O.) I cried to an Usher song the other day because, hell, that man found love in a club even though everyone said he couldn’t! So where is mine? I even work in a book store, for Pete’s sake. It’s an absolute cess pool for meet cutes. Oh, well. INT. RESEARCH STUDY ROOM - DAY Gwen sits in a metal chair across from an empty metal chair in a very cold room. The chairs are separated by a metal table. She shifts around in her seat when a tall, handsome man, JACOB (21), enters the room. She looks him up and down in slow motion. His hair is a little too long and his teeth are a little too white.

22. Imagine “Prince Charming in a can” is a thing. Shake it up and spray it on an unsuspecting jock. That’s Jacob. Gwen tries to shake his hand. Cameron darts between them. CAMERON No touching, please. Participant 1, this is Participant 2. Vice versa. He shows them a stack of papers he has attached to a clipboard. CAMERON (CONT’D) I’ll be sitting behind you behind a one-way mirror and going through this packet to ask you each the 37 questions on the list. He starts moving back to the secret room. CAMERON (CONT’D) You each have two minutes each to answer each question. You may not skip any questions. He exits. There’s a video camera on a tripod right beside the mirrored room. Jacob looks around, stares right into the camera, and shakes Gwen’s hand. He smiles. JACOB I’m Jacob. Senior chemistry major at NYU. Nice to meet you. Gwen beams. CAMERON (O.S.) What is the perfect day for you? Jacob leans back in his seat and smiles. JACOB Sitting in a cold, metal chair across from a beautiful stranger. And you? GWEN (Blushing) Lying on the beach with a cheeseburger. A series of shots:

23. - They laugh and smile at each other. - They make playful, flirty faces. - Jacob is over-the-top charming. Gwen is over-the-top into it. SUPER: 20 MINUTES INTO THE STUDY CAMERON (O.S.) Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? JACOB (Suggestively) Hopefully doing something I love. He does a thrusting motion. SUPER: 40 MINUTES INTO THE STUDY CAMERON (O.S.) What is your most terrible memory? GWEN (Unsettlingly serious) Probably when my dad left. I still don’t really understand it, I just remember my mom— ah, haha, this is getting intense! Jacob looks genuinely sympathetic. Gwen and Jacob stare at each other, obviously worn out from answering so many introspective questions, entranced by each other’s beauty. Or maybe just their own beauty reflected in the other’s eyes. SUPER: 70 MINUTES INTO THE STUDY CAMERON (O.S.) Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of 5 times. They both sit up straight in their seats. Everyone loves compliments. JACOB You’re beautiful.

24. GWEN You’re kind. JACOB You’re vibrant. GWEN You’re cheesy. JACOB You’re sweet. GWEN You’re thoughtful. JACOB You’re exciting. GWEN You’re so cute. JACOB You’re done. He stands up to leave. GWEN You’re bad at math. Jacob sits back down. CAMERON (O.S.) One more question, Participant 1. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how she might handle it. Ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem. Gwen smiles and leans closer to him in her seat. GWEN I think I might be falling for someone. Jacob looks uncomfortable, but in a split second he shakes it off. He recharges the sparkle in his eyes. JACOB Well, I think you seem sincere about all this. The only thing you can do is...

25. He pauses as though he hates the words that are about to come out of his mouth. Then he smiles as he becomes an anthropomorphic motivational poster. Figuratively speaking. JACOB (CONT’D) Follow your heart. Gwen’s heart combusts and burns with the fire of a thousand teenage romances. GWEN And your problem? JACOB I honestly can say I have no problems right now. A few seconds of silence and smiling and nodding. SFX: BUZZER Cameron enters. CAMERON All right you two, thanks for participating. Participant 1, wait here for a second while I talk to Participant 2. Gwen stays and Jacob leaves with him. She leans back in her chair and sighs, smiling. INT. COFFEE SHOP WITHIN RESEARCH BUILDING - DAY Alice gets back to pick Gwen up early. She wanders around into a coffee shop tucked in a corner of the massive lobby where she was waiting before. She goes to the BARISTA (25), a tired young man who knows he is about to get way tired-er. Alice looks shiftily around her and whispers. ALICE I am sorry for what I am about to order. She looks around again.

26. ALICE (CONT’D) I’ll have a venti, half-whole milk, one quarter 1%, one quarter nonfat, extra hot, split quad shots (1 1/2 shots decaf, 2 1/2 shots regular), no foam latte, with whip, 2 packets of splenda, 1 sugar in the raw, a touch of vanilla syrup and 3 short sprinkles of cinnamon. The barista looks at Alice like she just stepped on his dog. Alice leaves a tip in the jar. She turns around to see a handsome stranger laughing at her. It’s Jacob. JACOB Wow, I’m a chemistry major and I can’t even remember formulas like that. ALICE What can I say, I was an English major. I have a way with words. They laugh. JACOB Long night ahead of you? ALICE Oh, no, just a long trip back home to Morningside Heights. I’m picking up my friend here and, well, she’s a lot. Gotta prepare accordingly with caffeine. JACOB Ah, usually they tell us not to weaponize our formulas, but I wish you best of luck for your upcoming battle. ALICE You know, it’s a very advanced formula, I’m not surprised you don’t know it yet. Jacob is obviously into that pseudo-insult in that weird way cocky boys always are.

27. JACOB You know, I was just talking to someone pretty high energy myself, I think she sucked the life out of me. Time to get myself a boost with a little drink I invented myself. He orders a black coffee. Alice shrugs. The barista wipes sweat from his forehead and presents Alice with her concoction. JACOB (CONT’D) It was nice meeting you. I’m Jake. I hope I see you around here again.....your name? ALICE Yeah. Alice. I’m Alice. Bye, Jake! Jacob leaves and Alice sits at a table. Gwen comes skipping out. GWEN Let’s go let’s go let’s go let’s go! I have so much to tell you. It worked. We’re gonna be rich AND I’m in love! INT. SUBWAY CAR - DAY Gwen talks faster than the speed of sound. GWEN Alice, oh my god, that guy was so hot. He’s like a good. He’s like a less insane James Franco or a more charming Ryan Gosling. He was so down to earth but so kind to me! He’s got to be, like, genetically modified. He had it all. I think he really liked me, too! Alice’s drink hasn’t kicked in yet. Oh?

ALICE

GWEN We stared into each other’s eyes so much. I really get how this study works. (MORE)

28. GWEN (CONT'D) Eyes are truly the windows into the soul - not the butt like I once thought. I told him about some really personal stuff, too! And when I told him I think I’m in love, he told me to follow my heart! Guess what my heart is saying, Alice, guess! ALICE What is your heart saying?? GWEN I’m going to find him. I’m going to see him outside of the study and we are going to get married and have 10 kids and a yacht and HBO and a pet ferret and a pantry stocked with pudding cups. Alice nods. ALICE Doesn’t seem like you’re about that money anymore, but I’m happy you’re happy! GWEN I’m still about that money. I just have to come back for a quick debriefing in a few weeks to cash in. We’ll get it in time to pay rent. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a bunch of papers she managed to crumple up impressively fast. Alice looks through them. ALICE Excellent. But tell me, is this going to take time away from Ferret Bueller? Gwen shakes her head dramatically.

29. GWEN No, see, I already have a plan. I’m not technically allowed to talk to this guy outside of the study because the test is to see if our love is purely emotional and if it will stand the test of time blah blah blah, but I can’t go 2 weeks without talking to him! He saw into my soul! Anyway, I just started following his Instagram with the Ferret account. I can keep an eye on him from afar and he’ll never know it’s me until I want him to. Alice is half-bewildered, half impressed. ALICE So you’re going to break the rules of this very important study to cyber stalk and eventually catfish this guy you like? Exactly.

GWEN

ALICE That’s pretty creepy. GWEN That's modern love, dear. Alice rolls her eyes. ALICE If you lose the research study money I’ll literally kill you. I’ll set the ferret loose in your bed in your sleep. You will die smelling bad with tiny bite marks on your clothing. You don’t want that to happen. GWEN Sounds fair. Alice nods. It’s clear she’s thinking about something. ALICE So today a guy saw me order my favorite drink and it was so embarrassing.

30. GWEN Ooooh! Was he cute? ALICE I guess so. INT. CAMERON’S OFFICE - DAY The office is so disheveled that it’s concerning that anyone considered a doctor works in there. The floor is littered with boxes and strange items from old research studies, like inflatable clown dolls and mediumsized cacti. There are no pictures in sight. Only a single poster with a woman wearing dark sunglasses that says “Carol didn’t wear her safety goggles. Now she doesn’t need them.” Cameron is sitting at his desk. Just sitting. He swipes a small rectangle of clean space on his desk, shoving things to the side. A slinky falls to the ground and he kicks it under his desk. Jacob enters, boring coffee in hand. Cameron gathers himself and motions for Jacob to take a seat across from his desk. Jacob peers over a pile of papers. CAMERON So, Participant 1, what are your thoughts on Participant 2? JACOB (Strikingly less charming than before) Do we really have to do it like this? CAMERON You hard science majors are all the same. Never wanting to play along. JACOB I mean, like, I don’t have to be in character anymore, right? Since the girl is gone?

31. CAMERON No, no, you’re fine. Just wanted to play around. Seriously though, how did it go? JACOB Fine. She was kind of a lot to handle, but I had a lot to work with. I feel kinda bad, she’s definitely into me. Cameron stares at him for a second, then remembers he’s supposed to be writing stuff down. ON THE PAPER: The heading says “Love and the Nature of Deception” CAMERON Don’t let that get in the way. Keep going strong with the questions, and stay persuasive. It’s all just a part of the survey. JACOB Seems kind of harsh. Cameron slowly nods his head. FLASHBACK: INT. COLUMBIA OFFICE - DAY SUPER: ONE YEAR AGO Through a door frame, we see beautiful red-haired woman in a lab coat, CAROL DAVIDSON (31) sits at a desk. She shakes her head in brokenhearted dismay. Cameron is standing in the door, holding a cardboard box of office supplies, notably a Dwight Shrute bobblehead. It bobs his head as tears fill Cameron’s eyes. CAROL (Earnestly) I didn’t mean for it to be so harsh. END FLASHBACK

32. INT. CAMERON’S OFFICE - BACK TO REALITY Cameron is still nodding. CAMERON I’ve heard that. Awkward pause. CAMERON (CONT’D) What did you feel was the most effective tactic you used? JACOB Well, she demanded that I listen to her a lot so I can’t say that was particularly charming. She responded well to compliments. CAMERON Ah yes, that’s expected. Get to use any good lines? JACOB (Proudly) I cracked that question about how you think you’re going to die. I told her I wanted to die doing something that I loved. He does the same hip thrust motion he did before, but more dramatically. Cameron can’t see his hips behind the desk, but he can see his hand gesture, which looks vaguely like he’s revving an engine CAMERON What? Like mowing the lawn? Uh, sure.

JACOB

CAMERON Okay. Well. Moving on, she seemed a little skeptical. Her survey said she was “open to love, but unsure of this method.” JACOB She’s definitely prone to attachment and drawn to adventure, like we learned about in class. (MORE)

33. JACOB (CONT'D) Doesn’t seem like she initially wants to put forth the effort to be in a relationship, though. Classic Gemini. CAMERON Classic ESFP. Jacob points and nods like the jock kid you hated in high school who treated all of his teachers like a bro. Exactly!

JACOB

There’s a long pause. JACOB (CONT’D) Can I ask you something? CAMERON About the study? You’ve gotten all the information you need. We don’t have any debriefing scheduled. JACOB No, that’s fine, I’m just wondering...what happened with Columbia? They rejected your research? Did something go wrong with it? Cameron takes a deep breath and stares into Carol’s eyes. CAMERON No...no. It wasn’t that. I pulled the plug on it. Really. It was just...my supervisor...she was too...I couldn’t... He trails off. Jacob, as charming as a million James Marsden characters, busts in. JACOB Because like..Columbia...It’s my dream grad school and like...If you know anyone there... CAMERON Oh yeah, yeah, I know a few people. You’ll be fine.

34. JACOB Great! Welp, see you in class Monday! Jacob gets up to leave and is halfway down the hallway CAMERON (Yelling after him) Don’t forget, you are under no circumstances allowed to discuss this study outside of this building! Sure!

JACOB

Cameron is all alone. He looks at the poster again and sighs. He pulls a piece of beef jerky out of his desk drawer and bites it. The saddest man’s food for the saddest man. INT. ALICE’S ROOM - EVENING Alice’s room is decked out in posters and pictures, especially of her and Gwen. We see pictures of them in front of buildings, in parks, on the beach. It’s very girly and soft. She has white lights hanging above her white curtains. Very pristine, like you would find in an old lady magazine. Alice is lying on her bed, laptop unglamorously in her lap. CLOSE UP: Alice’s computer screen Alice is doing a Facebook search for all of the men named Jake at NYU. She scrolls past them all, clicks out, and opens a blank Word document. ALICE (V.O.) (as she’s typing) It’s too easy to find people these days, but so hard to connect. I guess I just don’t want to be creepy, but how are you supposed to put yourself out there if you aren’t? I mean, being “out there” is exhausting, but I can’t help but wonder. What if I took chances like Gwen? (MORE)

35. ALICE (V.O.) (CONT'D) The illegal chances she takes, I mean. Ones that get her all this attention, not ones that get her covered in pudding or trapped in Disney World jail. She looks to a picture of Gwen stuck in Disney World jail on her wall and laughs. ALICE (V.O.) I should just do it. I’m going to just do it. CLOSE UP: Alice’s computer again She opens the Jake search again, clicks on “Add friend,” and stares at this profile picture where he’s standing on a boat holding up a dead shark by the tail. She shuts her computer immediately in horror. ALICE (Yelling in a scared voice) I did it?! Gwen responds from the other room. GWEN PROUD OF YOU! Alice is jittery. ON PHONE SCREEN: Your friend request has been accepted by Jake Thompson. Alice throws her fists above her head and slinks down on her bed, sliding then down onto the floor and staying there. Gwen walks in, ferret draped across her arm like she’s from the 1800s and it’s a trendy mink stole. GWEN (CONT’D) You figured out my Netflix password? What was it?? ALICE No, no, I didn’t. I added a boy! I added a boy I met on Facebook!

36. GWEN Ugh, well, I brought you a muffin but now I don’t want to give it to you because you have a prospect and I don’t. ALICE Give me the muffin. He’s so hot. Gwen tosses her a muffin from her non-ferret hand. GWEN One to ten? ALICE Thirty-five. At least. GWEN Did his profile picture have a fish in it? ALICE Sharks don’t count. Shirtless?

GWEN

ALICE Very. Extremely. Definitely. Alice is staring at her phone and Gwen moves around trying to gain Alice’s full attention again then gives up and starts to walk away. ALICE (CONT’D) Your Netflix password is bigbutts93. GWEN You’re a hero. INT. JACOB’S ROOM - EVENING Jacob’s room is boring. There are no posters on the walls and not really a lot of clutter either. Just books piled up everywhere and very organized notes. He has a few certificates stuck to the walls carelessly. Most of his books are about chemistry, but there is one about small animal science.

37. He is intently staring at a chemistry book when his phone buzzes. ON PHONE SCREEN: Alice Calvin sent you a friend request. His eyes widen and he enters his passcode so quickly that he hits an extra button and accepts Alice’s request without thinking. JACOB Crap, now she’s gonna think I’m eager. He shrugs it off, puts his phone down and silences it. He resumes reading. INT. NYC APARTMENT - DAY Alice and Gwen are watching TV, both looking at their phones. Ferret Bueller is eating the side of the table while wearing a tiny top hat. Alice looks up. ALICE Okay, boy situation, go. GWEN I honestly don’t know how you think I have time for boys when I am busy becoming a social media mogul. ALICE The ferret thing? Is it taking off? GWEN It certainly is. Only a few random teenagers from Ohio. ALICE But how many followers? ...17.

GWEN

ALICE Nice. Are you still talking to that guy from the study?

38. GWEN Yes, actively. Honestly, I think he’s the reason why my career is suffering. He’s very into the ferret, and I think I keep posting stuff he will like and it’s just not appealing to the masses. Like he said he loved Charlie Chaplain so I spent all this time making a tiny costume.... ALICE ...with a tiny mustache? Yeah!

GWEN

ALICE That’s Hitler. Close up: Ferret Bueller. He does look a little bit like Hitler. ALICE (CONT’D) But you guys have been talking a lot? GWEN Yeah okay okay let me read some messages. (clears throat) (speaks in a deep voice) Hello, ferret sir or madam, pleased to meet you.(girl Voice) I am a madam, teehee! What’s up? ALICE I can’t do this with you. Does it get interesting? GWEN It gets interesting, okay, yes. He asks where I’m from. Or where Ferret is from. He might just be interested in Ferret. Alice laughs. ALICE (Weird, sing-songy voice) Ferret Bueller, you’re my hero GWEN I do love that movie.

39. ALICE A classic. But it kind of gives me anxiety. I just feel so bad for the sister the whole time. GWEN Are you... are you kidding? She’s the bad guy! She ruins all the fun! ALICE Gwen, Ferris is terrible. He is a douchey brat. He deserves to fail school. That movie is all about Cameron, anyway. GWEN No one in the entire history of the world has ever disliked Ferris Bueller. You could not be more wrong. They sit in angry silence. Gwen picks up a remote angrily. GWEN (CONT’D) ...Is it...is it still on Netflix? Yes.

ALICE

More silence. ALICE (CONT’D) BigButts93. EXT. STREET IN MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - THE NEXT DAY Jacob walks down the street, hands in his pockets. He pulls out his phone. ON SCREEN: Alice’s profile. He clicks on her cover photo, which has the name of the sign — “BEAN NICE” Jacob looks up and sees the same exact sign above his head. JACOB (Mumbling) Hipsters.

40. INT. BEAN NICE - CONTINUOUS Jacob enters the shop. He scans the room, and sure enough, Alice is sitting at a table with coffee looking very (mumbling) hipster. She’s typing furiously with her back to him. He takes a deep breath and does a strange ritual like Ryan and Sharpay in “High School Musical,” then walks toward her. JACOB How much pain did you put the barista through to make that drink for you? Alice looks up and rapidly goes from spooked to enthralled to horrified. ALICE Oh my god, Jake, hi! She fidgets around, starts to give him a handshake, and he awkwardly snakes around for a side hug and she intercepts it as a hi-five. JACOB What, uh, brings you here? ALICE Oh you know, just like, trying to write a little bit and stuff. This place is right by my house, what about you? JACOB (nervously) Haha, right by your house, huh? So crazy! (beat) What are you writing? ON SCREEN: EROTIC ONE DIRECTION FAN FICTION She slams it shut. ALICE Oh haha, sometimes I like to write poetry, it’s no big deal. JACOB Right, the uhh... He pauses like he doesn’t already know all these little generic details about her

41. JACOB (CONT’D) The English major! What do you do with that, anyway? She stares blankly because that’s the dumbest question ever and who wouldn’t. Then she meets his eyes and he is very earnest. ALICE This, mostly. Jacob kicks up the charm. JACOB I feel a little awkward today and I”m sorry, I just can’t believe I ran into you. I as just thinking about you. (Beat) Thanks for adding me as a friend! He scans the room for something to talk about. His eyes land on a concert poster on the bulletin board. JACOB (CONT’D) Do you like concerts? ALICE I love them! I haven’t been to one in a while, though. I cried so hard at an All Time Low concert the eyeliner rolled down my face and stained my shirt. JACOB Those were truly better times. What about Jazz Iguanas? Do you listen to them? ALICE OMG, yes! One of my favorite bands. Jacob walks over and tears the flyer off the wall. He hands it to her. JACOB Let’s go. NYU is hosting this concert, it’s free for students and I’m pretty good at sneaking people in. They exchange numbers.

42. INT. NYC APARTMENT - NIGHT Alice enters the room. Gwen is talking pictures of Ferret while he is dressed up like a loaf of bread. She doesn’t look up from her work. ALICE Gwen, it happened! GWEN You got that perm you always wanted? ALICE What? No. What? (pause) I have never wanted that. (pause) I got his number! I got the boy’s number. I ran into him at the bookstore today... GWEN Ew, you just ran into him in public? That’s impossible. He must be a stalker. Turn your Twitter location off right now. ALICE He’s not. I promise he’s not. He’s very cute and sweet. GWEN Maybe a cute and sweet stalker. What was he like? Was he wearing a trench coat? No.

ALICE

GWEN Just let me see a picture. ALICE Nooooooooo. Don’t judge me. He’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Gwen goes on with Ferret and Alice just stares at her like she’s expecting more. ALICE (CONT’D) I’m going to a concert with him tomorrow. Oh yeah?

GWEN

43. She takes the bread costume off Ferret and pulls out a tiny sailor costume. The Ferret flees and she chases it through the house. ALICE Did you...did you want to come? GWEN I’ve kind of got my hands full right now. She’s literally got two hands on her ferret. ALICE I, uh, I could use some help getting ready for it. You know, just like, outfits and tips and stuff. GWEN Sure, sure. She’s too busy to pay attention to Alice. Alice sadly goes back to her room and as she’s about to close the door, Gwen yells. GWEN (CONT’D) Wear that blue shirt I hate. INT. ALICE’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS ALICE The one with the ruffles? GWEN No, not the prairie girl one, this isn’t Sunday school. The old lady one. Alice pulls out a very normal-looking shirt and smiles. Got it.

ALICE

INT. CONCERT - NIGHT In a semi-packed concert venue, the lights are dim and it’s pretty dirty. People are starting to stand very close to each other, beers in hand.

44. Alice scans the crowd, then skips up to Jacob. He’s standing in the back waiting for her. She’s very excited and especially girly. She gives him a hug. Jacob smiles. ALICE How are you? SFX: The band starts playing A GROSS AND FLIRTY MONTAGE - Alice and Jacob fight through the crowd to get closer. The crowd does not like that, so it is like salmon swimming upstream. - A BIG MAN tries to fight Jacob, but he backs down. - A BIG WOMAN tries to fight Jacob, and he doesn’t back down. - She punches him. They back down. - Alice and Jacob laugh and sing and she is stands in front of him and he wraps his arms around her waist and kisses her cheek. - They dance and laugh some more and it’s even more annoying if you can believe it! - They run into the big woman from earlier and make a break for it into the crowd. END MONTAGE, NOT THE GROSS AND FLIRTY PART THOUGH SORRY Alice pulls out her phone and starts typing. ALICE (V.O.) I hope he can’t tell I’m so nervous right now. I hope he likes the band. I hope everything is okay ahhhh! She hits send and looks at Jacob. JACOB I’m gonna get us more drinks. He starts off into the crowd, seeing Cameron as he looks. He ducks down and goes in a different direction from where he is. Alice scans the crowd.

45. A very professional looking Cameron standing alone catches her eye, and she catches his, and now they’ve made eye contact so they have to speak. He comes over. CAMERON Oh hey uh... What are you doing here? ALICE Mostly just watching a concert. CAMERON How’s uh...everything? He rubs the back of his neck in that way only dads typically do. ALICE Everything is good! I’m loving the band, way better live for sure. CAMERON I definitely didn’t expect all this. I just saw the flyer and realized I’d heard a few songs on the radio before. “Reptile Funk” is a real bop. ALICE No way, mine too! Wow, I like the same music as a scientist! CAMERON You must have boring taste. ALICE I would say it’s pretty brilliant, but still trying to be relatable. He looks at her like she’s trying to call him out, which she is. Cameron notices Jacob coming back through the crowd and darts without saying goodbye. Jacob comes up and hands Alice her drink. JACOB So I’m going to a holiday party this weekend. Can you come? It’s at my buddy Brad’s house...

46. ALICE A holiday party? What holiday? (joking) Is mercury in retrogade again, because if it is I can’t.. JACOB I don’t think it is right now. It’s a holiday party, like, you dress up like a holiday. ALICE Yeah, cool let me check my schedule! Alice gets on her phone on Facebook, goes to Jacob’s profile, and looks for the event. She finds it. ON SCREEN: 3 friends also attending the event Alice nods. ALICE (CONT’D) Only if we can be boxing day. INT. HOUSE PARTY - A FEW DAYS LATER Alice and Jacob arrive at the party together. Alice is dressed like a boxer, and Jacob is just wearing a cardboard box. It is a college party. Alice looks so unprepared. Jacob immediately sees friends and goes over to them, leaving her behind. She looks around the room. Red cups everywhere. People are chanting and yellng and taking shots. She sits on a nearby couch that seems minimally disgusting. She pulls out her phone and starts typing. ALICE (V.O.) I didn’t even fit in at parties when I was in college. I do not know what to do now. I do not know where my friends are, and I do not want to do this. He is too charming and too cool and too hip and I don’t need this. I’m a badass city girl! I support myself in New York City! I am a writer and a thinker and a fighter and I-

47. Jacob appears out of the crowd before she can finish her motivational novel and sits next to her. Or as close as his box will allow it. JACOB Sorry, haven’t seen those friends in a long time. ALICE I understand! I don’t know what I’d do if I could see all of my friends from college again. Probably hug them all then run to the nearest Redbox to buy a trashy movie and stay in all night. JACOB That’s cute. ALICE I think you mean “lame” but I appreciate it. Just can’t believe the most popular boy in school is talking to me! JACOB Oh, I’m not so cool. Wanna know a secret? Alice nods and he leans in close. JACOB (CONT’D) I’m actually, like, very into animals. I am dying to move out of the dorms so I can get a pet. Until then, I’m just following an absurd amount of animal accounts on Instagram. ALICE That’s not embarrassing! My roommate is super into that and she’s, like, the coolest person I know. We were best friends in college. Jacob nods and looks around the room at the sea of familiar faces. Alice lets the unfamiliar mass fade into an indistinct blob. JACOB It’s weird keeping up with people who never seem to have to study. (MORE)

48. JACOB (CONT'D) Bunch of communications majors or something. ALICE Yeah, probably the only thing easier than an English major. She laughs nervously because she doesn’t believe that but wants to seem chill. JACOB Yeah, what is it you plan to do with that again? Awkward pause where they both drink. JACOB (CONT’D) But like, really. What do you want to do? ALICE Write. I want to write. JACOB Like novels? ALICE Sure. Stories. I like to tell stories. JACOB Tell me a story. Alice rolls her eyes. He puts his arm around her. in and leans onto his box. ALICE Once upon a time... JACOB Start it better, come on. ALICE Agh, okay. Now this is a story all about how my life got flip-turned upside down... JACOB Don’t plagiarize a ‘90s sitcom. ALICE You know it kind of sounds like you’re the expert here, how about you tell the story.

She gives

49. JACOB Okay, I will. Once upon a time (laughs) there was a guy, er, a prince, from Kansas. He always wanted to be a scientist, even when people told him science was dumb and awful, and even when it got hard. Pre-med people came and went but he never gave up his dream and made it all the way through college, without the support of the family inheritance the entire time, taking weird quests like random shifts at food trucks and participating in...skits. Alice is still paying attention and so are you. They both drink. JACOB (CONT’D) As graduation got closer and closer within his reach, he got really scared, and the map he made himself through life gets blurry and just cuts off and he doesn’t know where to go. He works hard, he asks for help, but he just doesn’t know. Sometimes he just misses his tiny Kansas home and his pet gerbils. He doesn’t know if he’s supposed to keep looking for his castle at the faraway land of Columbia University, or if maybe it’s time for him to find his princess instead...wherever she may be. Alice smiles. They both drink. ALICE Okay, that was strong, but I have some notes. One, you kind of lost me in the beginning. I’m not sure where the rising action begins and... He shuts her up with a kiss, and they keep kissing. It is weird and funny because, again, he is wearing a box. ALICE (CONT’D) And I’m not sure if the end had enough payoff for me.

50. JACOB Okay. I’ll work on the ending. Payoff. Got it. Back to kissing. A drunken college boy ambles up to them. DRUNK Get a room. Jacob pulls away but keeps looking at Alice. JACOB We’d love to. He angles his box between the couple and the crowd. INT. NYC APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS They stumble into a very messy living room with boxes of presumably ferret clothes everywhere. They’re drunk and stumbling into things. JACOB This place is a mess! ALICE Be quiet, you’ll wake up the ferret. INT. ALICE’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS After fighting with the door and Jacob’s box costume, they fall on Alice’s bed. JACOB That ferret looks just like one I know. INT. ALICE’S ROOM - DAY Jacob and Alice are in her bed next to each other. Alice crawls out of bed, leans over Jacob and gives him a kiss. ALICE I’m going to take a shower!

51. JACOB Okay, have fun. He rolls back over as she disappears into the bathroom. He opens one eye. There on her night stand is a framed picture of Alice kissing Gwen on the cheek. He recognizes her and grabs the picture in terror. He sits up and looks around the room, alert. He sees pictures of Gwen and Alice literally everywhere. He darts out of bed and grabs one of Alice’s shirts and his box. He runs out of the room, saying nothing to Alice and leaving no trace at all. INT. NYC APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS He freezes and looks around the living room. It’s still a mess, but there doesn’t seem to be anyone around. While running, he knocks a picture off of the wall with his box. PICTURE: Ferret’s first Instagram post In shock, he exits. INT. ALICE’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS A few minutes pass and Alice comes out of the shower dressed enough that this is a PG-13 movie. Jake?

ALICE

No response. She walks over to the door and sees that it is open and all of his stuff is gone. Gwen?

ALICE (CONT’D)

She sits down on her bed in despair and pulls out her phone and starts typing. ALICE (V.O.) Of course I didn’t think it meant anything. She leans over to the side of her bed and reaches under.

52. She pulls out a teddy bear dressed like a scientist, which she holds under her arm as she continues to type. ALICE (V.O.) This is modern romance, you know? You think you want something, you get something else, and you realize that’s just fine. And it’s fine! Everything is fine. She rolls over and falls asleep, jolted by Gwen walking into her room. Gwen is wearing round sunglasses and a scarf wrapped casually around her neck. Ferret is wearing the exact same thing. They look like a couple of hungover aunts. GWEN Still in bed? Gwen comes and sits on Alice’s bed with her. She sets the ferret down and it immediately bolts under Alice’s bed and out of sight. Gwen shrugs. GWEN (CONT’D) I can’t do anything about it, he’s too far gone now. Alice doesn’t laugh. GWEN (CONT’D) What’s got you down? You’re not even reacting to the ferret that’s probably gone to shit under your bed on all your old shoe boxes. Is nothing sacred! ALICE (Sighing) Nothing, nothing. I just did a stupid thing with a stupid guy. GWEN “Stupid guy” is probably right, but I’ve never seen you do something stupid. (MORE)

53. GWEN (CONT'D) Except that time you said Taylor Swift seemed scary, but I think you are obscure enough that her fan army will never be able to destroy you for it. ALICE (Tearing up) I just thought this guy liked me, but he left before I got out of the shower, and... GWEN Whoa, he didn’t even wait for you to get clean before he left? Dude, if he can’t handle you at your cleanest, he shouldn’t get to handle you dirty. Know what I mean? She elbows Alice playfully. ALICE Yeah, okay, Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn or Dumbledore or whatever. She makes a disgusted face. ALICE (CONT’D) What is that smell...what the hell? Did Ferret really...? The ferret darts out from under the bed and Gwen snatches it with the reflexes of a wise old karate instructor. Alice gags, while Gwen wags a finger in Ferret’s face. GWEN Bad boy. Or girl. Gender is a social construct. You can decide when you’re ready. Gwen stands up. GWEN (CONT’D) Alice, you and I both know you can deal with shit. You’ve never let a boy get to you, and you shouldn’t start now. You have me. Also, can you deal with that literal shit? I’m sorry, I have to go. Alice rolls her eyes but smiles.

54. Gwen, hallway out the door, gestures to the teddy bear Alice is holding. GWEN (CONT’D) What is that bear, a scientist? Alice, embarrassed, starts to swing it under the bed but holds back at the last second, clutching it to her chest. GWEN (CONT’D) Kind of looks like that guy who hit on you at that study the other day. Can I borrow the outfit later? ALICE (Tugging at her own tshirt) My “A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand” shirt? I mean, I guess. GWEN No, not your weird dad shirt. the bear’s. It’s for Ferret, Okay, leaving, love you. She disappears. Alice springs out of bed. INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY Alice stands expressionless as she stocks books. ALICE (V.O.) Gwen is right. Nothing like this has ever hurt me before. I’ve always been my number one, and that doesn’t have to change. I’ve got this great job. A MAN IN A BUTTON DOWN SHIRT walks up to her. MR. MURRAY Ma’am, can I help you? ALICE Mr. Murray, I work here? The man laughs. MR. MURRAY You might as well, right? Seems like I always see you around.

55. ALICE I’ve been working here for a year and a half. I have a name tag! She gestures to the rectangle tacked to her shirt. MR. MURRAY (Chuckling) Would you lookie there! Welcome to the team. He walks away. ALICE (Not even under her breath) A year and a half. I’ve been here 19 months. She continues putting books away. ALICE (V.O.) I have a job. I have an amazing apartment. I have an incredible best friend. Hell, it’s New York City outside! She turns to look out the window to see a disheveled old man screaming at a pigeon. The pigeon stands strong. She turns her back to the window and grabs a stack of books. She brings them over to the cash register and begins scanning them. ALICE (V.O.) I have a rich, full life. I don’t need love. I’ve got all I need. A couple approaches, holding each other’s swinging hands. The man places a book on the counter, and the woman gives him a kiss on the cheek. Alice smiles widely at them. ALICE (V.O.) (Cheerfully) I hate every single living, breathing thing in this whole Godforesaken planet.

56. INT. BOOKSTORE - LATER The store is dimly lit and Alice is alone. She sits against the back wall behind the cash register, looking through receipts and writing in pretty cursive handwriting on the back of them. ALICE (V.O.) Soon, bookstores will be obsolete. Just like DVD rental stores and Radio Shack. And men. Who needs them. She picks up a notebook and closes up shop. INT. COLLEGE CLASSROOM - DAY Jacob picks up a notebook and begins taking notes. He’s sitting in the middle of a large lecture hall filled with students. At the front of the room stands Cameron. Behind him is a projection of a PowerPoint — this one says “self-actualization.” CAMERON Self-actualization. It’s the peak of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone. Your fullest and truest self. Jacob looks up attentively. CAMERON (CONT’D) Before one can reach selfactualization, he must achieve every level of the hierarchy — starting with physiological, like breathing and foot and water — A kid in front of Jacob raises his hand. Cameron points at him. FRONT KID Will these PowerPoints be online?

57. CAMERON Yes. As I was saying. Physiological, security, love and belonging.... The class collectively stops listening. Jacob puts his pen down. SFX: Cameron droning too quietly for us to hear individual words. Jacob pulls out his phone. CLOSE UP: PHONE No messages. Jacob opens the Messages app and scrolls down to Alice’s name. He opens the conversation, types nothing. He puts his phone down. When he looks up, the projector says “LOVE AND BELONGING.” He feels for his phone in his pocket again, then slinks into his seat. No one in the class is listening. CAMERON (CONT’D) But self-actualization is an ideal, and we will likely never experience it in our life times. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF CLASSROOM - AN HOUR LATER Jacob exists the classroom, walking swiftly. He looks determined. Other classmates trickle out behind him. Finally, Cameron saunters out. He runs into another guy, DAKOTA (32). He’s better dressed and slightly less nerdy but he talks like Kip from “Napoleon Dynamite.” CAMERON DAKOTA! How you been? They shake hands in the way adult nerd bros do.

58. DAKOTA Great! Finally got that research grant. Looks like I’m headed to Yale. CAMERON Ah that’s amazing! Can’t really get better than that, can you? Awkward beat. CAMERON (CONT’D) Yeah, I’m doing some research here myself, the effect of manipulation on love. Got this guy tricking this girl into thinking he’s into her — DAKOTA Oh wow, that’s kinda dark. Cameron shrugs. CAMERON I guess, but you know. Even scientists aren’t immune to emotion. FLASHBACK: SUPER: ONE YEAR AGO INT. COLUMBIA OFFICE - DAY Carol and an older man, WAYNE PHILIPS (56) sit next to each other at a conference table. Wayne is wearing a suit. His briefcase sits on the table. There is a stack of paperwork in front of him. Carol is looking down, avoiding eye contact. Cameron is at the opposite end of the table. He looks defeated. WAYNE Carol made us aware of your behavior shortly after the incident. We know that you know it is unacceptable. END FLASHBACK

59. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF CLASSROOM - THE PRESENT Dakota shakes his head, looking disappointed in his friend. It’s a deep nerd disappointment that only comes from getting an A- on a test or watching a friend get a lower grade on a math test than a jock. DAKOTA You gotta let her go, dude. She was your boss. It never would have happened, no matter how you thought she felt. Columbia is behind you. He pats Cameron on the back like a kid would touch the pool water to check the temperature before jumping in. DAKOTA (CONT’D) Best of luck on your research, man. Oh, and can you do me a favor? CAMERON What is it? DAKOTA Try to get out more. It’ll do you good. Dakota exits. Cameron takes a deep breath and slinks into his office door, shutting it behind him. INT. JACOB’S ROOM - LATER THAT DAY Jacob is lying on his bed talking on the phone. He’s emotional. JACOB I can’t even tell you how sorry I am. I had no idea she was going to be there, it was an honest mistake. I don’t tell you enough — I love you. You’re wonderful. Jacob pulls his phone away from his ear to look at the screen. JACOB (CONT’D) Ah, I’m getting a call. I love you so much, I have to go. (MORE)

60. JACOB (CONT’D) I’m sorry, mom. Tell grandma I won’t miss the next family dinner. Kisses! He switches calls. As he does, the screen splits. On the left is Jacob, chillin’ as we left him. On the right is Alice, wrapped up in her blanket and a warm coccoon of anxiety. JACOB (CONT’D) Alice, hi! Long time no talk. Alice scrunches her face up, confused. ALICE Uh, yeah. Why did you call me? JACOB Just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out again. I had a great time the other night. Alice stares into the distance, fixating on a her poster of ROB LOWE FROM THE 80s with profound confusion, as if he just called and asked to hang out after completely abandoning her in her bedroom or grew three heads or something. ALICE Uh, you left my room without saying goodbye to me and you didn’t even text me about it or anything. Jacob scratches his head, nervously. He scans the room. JACOB I had to go pick up a honey baked ham for my Grandma’s birthday party. I swear! Right.

ALICE

She takes a deep breath as to choke down any more words. She smiles as he begins to speak first. JACOB I realize it was kind of weird, but I’d love to keep seeing you. More of you. She blushes.

61. ALICE Well, I’ll have to think about it. JACOB Okay, well, please let me know. Soon, if you can. Please. Yep.

ALICE

Jacob puts his hands up and throws a science textbook on the ground in fury. Alice rolls out of bed and calmly creeps to her stereo. END SPLIT SCREEN. She presses play. The music slowly swells to fill the room — it’s [a very hip dance jam!] She does a swan dive onto her bed then stands up on it and dances like she’s on a stage. She lip syncs the words, does a spin move, catches her ankle in her blanket and falls down. She rolls around and sings in pure joy. From outside her door, we hear Gwen singing along as well. ALICE (CONT’D.) (CONT’D) (Yelling) Gwen, get in here! Gwen dances in, and they dance together. After a while, Gwen slaps the stereo so it shuts off. Did your—

GWEN

ALICE No, shut up. I don’t want to hear your guess. HE CALLED. He wants to see me again! They shriek and dance around, then hug. ALICE (CONT’D) I told him I’d think about it. Gwen traps her in a headlock and Alice laughs. GWEN Thatta girl. Make sure you wait—

62. ALICE —at least 6 hours, I know. GWEN Good, good. (Sighs) Here I was thinking I was the love of your life. You are.

ALICE

Gwen smiles. GWEN Have you seen Ferret? ALICE Have I...what? Seen YOUR ferret? Was I supposed to be watching him? (Panicking) Did you set the ferret loose in our apartment? Gwen, I told you I can’t keep cleaning up after himGWEN What? No. He just got a conditioning treatment. He looks amazing. I was hoping you’d notice. SFX: Gwen making a ferret sound. Ferret slowly crawls out from under Alice’s bed and she is horrified ALICE How long has he been down there? GWEN Not long enough for you to notice. ALICE But how long has it been? A few.

GWEN

ALICE Minutes? Hours??? Gwen disappears, Ferret trailing behind her. Wait!

ALICE (CONT’D)

63. INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Gwen stands with the ferret perched on her shoulder. Ferret is quiet and calm in a very spooky way. ALICE Did you drug that ferret? How is it so calm? No, I don’t want to know. I don’t even know who I’d call about that. She collects herself ALICE (CONT’D) How’s that guy you’re talking to? Gwen smiles and pulls out her phone, which she shows to Ferret first, then she reads from it herself. GWEN We’ve been having the most wonderful, thoughtful conversation. Who would have thought that a man could say such beautiful things to a ferret? His favorite place is the balcony of his school’s library at sunset, he loves his grandmother more than anything, oh my god Alice. He’s such a beautiful and sensitive man! ALICE Does he know you’re a beautiful sensitive woman, or are you talking to a guy who thinks he’s flirting with a tiny mammal? Gwen scoops ferret off her shoulder and pets him. She holds him out to Alice, who refuses to take him. GWEN All in due time. There’s a big internet animal meetup coming up, I’m going to invite him to come then. And then I will reveal myself, and we will fall even more in love. Alice has pulls out her phone and starts texting.

64. ALICE (Not listening) Sounds great. GWEN It hasn’t been six hours! ALICE I don’t care! Gwen sets Ferret on the ground. GWEN Ferret, attack! Ferret does not attack. He remains seated. Alice looks up from her phone. Gwen scoops ferret up and places him on Alice’s shoulder. Alice grimaces. ALICE Did you...drug him? No way. Beat.

GWEN

Although he did drink a little more of my afternoon wine than I expected him to.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - LATER THAT NIGHT Alice and Jacob walk side by side without touching. ALICE But yeah, I’m never buying a smoothie at a thrift shop again. They walk silently. JACOB I’ll just say it, okay? I know you won’t, but I will. I learned today in my psychology class that you’ve got to go after what you want. I’m willing to go all in. I’m ready to self-actualize. Excuse me?

ALICE

65. JACOB No more games. No more running away. I want this. I want you. He grabs her and spins her around, and they kiss. When he pulls away, he looks down at her jacket. JACOB (CONT’D) Is that..ferret hair? INT. NYC APARTMENT - MORNING SFX: An alarm blares. Gwen smashes it with her fist, face already glued to her phone. Ferret Bueller lies beside her, tucked into a tiny sleeping bag with a tiny sleeping cap on. GWEN Wake up, lazy. She pops out of bed and heads for her computer. While it starts up, she scrolls through her Instagram notifications. GWEN (CONT’D) They love us! They really love us. She looks up at her walls, which are covered in photos of celebrities torn from magazines. CLOSE UP: COMPUTER SCREEN Dozens of messages from dudes pop up on Gwen’s screen. - “Where have u been? Bar’s not the same without u!” - “Gwen, come on, don’t be like this.” - “Hey! Come out tonight! 10 p.m., same place as usual.” - “I can’t see u right now, but I know u look beautiful.” - “U up?” She exits all of the tabs without responding. Gwen looks at Ferret.

66. GWEN (CONT’D) Do you think they think they’re saving time by not spelling out the other two letters in “you?” Ferret just lies there. A series of jump cuts: - Gwen gets down on her knees and takes a thousand pictures in a thousand angles of Ferret. - She painstakingly edits them. - When it’s done, she breathes a sigh of relief. GWEN (CONT’D) (Dramatically) I never thought I’d be such a career woman. She sits in her desk chair as a wave of sadness washes over her face like we’ve never seen before. FLASHBACK: SUPER: 17 YEARS AGO INT. FRONT STAIRS OF A TINY HOUSE - DAY A tiny blonde girl, about 5 years old, with that same look of sadness holds tight to her mom’s hand. She looks up at her mom. LITTLE GWEN Where’s he going? Her mom wipes tears off of her own face. She breathes deeply and scoops the girl up in her arms. MOM I don’t know, honey. The little girl starts to cry. MOM (CONT’D) No, no. Don’t you cry. The mom pulls Little Gwen closer to her face and touches her nose with her finger.

67. MOM (CONT’D) I love you. I love you, Gwennie. You are the love of my life. And don’t you ever forget it. Her mom begins to rock her back and forth, humming softly. INT. CROWDED BAR - NIGHT SUPER: 2 YEARS AGO SFX: The soft humming transforms into a booming club song Gwen, now 20, still rocks back and forth to the music. Dude after dude come up to her and offer her drinks and she keeps dancing alone, a smile on her face. One particularly aggressive GUY FROM THE BAR cuts in and hands her a drink. She pushes him away, but he comes back. He comes back more calmly and whispers something in her ear. She smiles. Smirking, she takes the drink from him and takes a sip. Soon enough, she’s dancing with him. EXT. EMPTY PARK - NIGHT SUPER: A YEAR AND A HALF AGO Gwen sits wrapped up the Guy from the Bar’s arms, laughing and talking but we hear no words. She smiles and looks up at him, and he touches her nose. GUY FROM THE BAR (Sweetly) Don’t you ever forget it. She buries her face in his shoulder. INT. GWEN’S ROOM - DAY SUPER: A YEAR AGO Gwen sits at her desk chair, somber.

68. GUY FROM THE BAR stands in front of her, yelling. GUY FROM THE BAR It’s not my fault, Gwen. I didn’t want to get involved with her. It didn’t mean anything. GWEN (Calmly, staring into the distance) I think it would be best if you just left and never, ever came back. GUY FROM THE BAR (Yelling) Look at me! I’m not done talking to you! Alice throws the door open and storms into the room. ALICE You have ten seconds to get the hell out of here before I call the cops. GUY FROM THE BAR Fine. You know what, maybe you’re right. I never really loved you. Alice shoves the giant man to the side, pushes him out the door and slams the door behind him. She wraps Gwen in a hug and takes advantage of the one f-bomb you can say in a movie and keep it PG-13. ALICE Screw that guy. You’re the love of my life. END FLASHBACK INT. GWEN’S ROOM - DAY Gwen is still sitting at her desk chair. The sad look on her face fades into an inquisitive one. GWEN I wonder if this guy’s got a Twitter. She types some more.

69. GWEN (CONT’D) Found him. Wow. Businesswoman AND sleuth. She squints and reads his tweets aloud. GWEN (CONT’D) “Headed to the gym!” (To Ferret) Nice, love a man who goes to the gym. Beat.

“Eating a banana!” (To Ferret) Ugh, hope that’s not a euphemism.

She scans for a bit. Then, terror washes over her face. GWEN (CONT’D) “Can’t believe she’s giving me another chance.” Beat.

She?

EXT. OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT - DAY JACOB Are you sure? I don’t have long, anyway, I gotta get home and finish my application— ALICE Baby, I promise! There’s no way she’s still here. She had some, like, ferret convention to go to. JACOB So you DO have a ferret? ALICE Unfortunately. JACOB No way, I love those little guys! They’re like little dust bunnies with legs. Alice opens the door to her apartment.

70. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ALICE More like malicious little poop factories with googly eyes. JACOB No way, I keep up with this one on Instagram, it’s ingenious! ALICE I had no idea there was such a market for thatFerret runs out of a crack in Gwen’s door, completely naked. ALICE (CONT’D) Ferret Bueller! What are you doing here? JACOB That’s... That’s Ferret Bueller? Gwen yells from behind her door. GWEN Ferret! Get back here! You aren’t decent! ALICE Gwen?! What are you doing here. GWEN (More sad than angry) Some no-good dirty rotten pond scum hoe bag dumpster diving slut monster shit weasel is talking to— She bursts into the room GWEN (CONT’D) (Shrieking) JACOB!!! Alice is confused. ALICE This is Jake! Have you guys... GWEN Alice, what the HELL. What??

ALICE

71. Jacob is unreasonably chill. Gwen is kicking boxes and throwing ferret clothes everywhere. JACOB Gwen...hey... WHAT???

ALICE

GWEN Oh, don’t act like you don’t know. ALICE Don’t know what? Do you guys know each other? What’s going on? Gwen begins shoving ferret supplies into a backpack. GWEN I cannot believe you from me.

stole him

ALICE What? This is the guy I’ve been talking toGWEN (To Alice) And you said I was the love of your life. She WHISTLES and Ferret runs up her pants leg. She grabs the bag she had been packing and runs out the door, slamming it behind her. Alice, thinking Gwen was talking to Jacob, freaks out. ALICE You were talking to my best friend the same time you were sleeping with me? Dude— Jacob backs up against their kitchen table, shuffling some of the mail they have on the table. He looks down. Alice continues screaming. ALICE (CONT’D) You don’t get between a girl and her best friend. (MORE)

72. ALICE (CONT’D) That is the most vile, disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe I trusted you. I can’t believe I ever wanted you. Jacob is still looking down. He grabs one piece of mail. JACOB I don’t think you should be talking to me like that. ALICE Why the hell not? You are the worst of the worst! He’s smug. JACOB The last day of the study is tomorrow. The last debriefing. So?

ALICE

JACOB You wont get your compensation if she doesn’t complete the study. He waves the mail in front of her. CLOSE UP: In large, black letters, the envelope reads “FINAL RENT NOTICE” JACOB (CONT’D) Kind of seems like you need me. She stands there staring at him, open-mouthed and furious. ALICE Get out of my sight. He strolls to the front door. Call me.

JACOB

He exits. Alice collapses in a heap of tears. ALICE (V.O.) I’d rather have my heart broken a thousand times than hurt Gwen. I have to do something. (MORE)

73. ALICE (V.O.) (CONT'D) I can’t let her get away. Jake is the scum of the earth, but he’s right. I do need him. After a moment, she pulls out her phone. Tears still streaming down her face, she reluctantly dials. ALICE Hi...Yeah, I’m surprised I called too. She wipes tears from her eyes. ALICE (CONT’D) I need your help, Cameron. It’s about the study. EXT. OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Jacob slumps against the wall of the apartment. SFX: The Marimba He checks his phone. CLOSE UP: A notification on his phone screen reads “COLUMBIA APP DUE - MIDNIGHT” Jacob scampers to the road, hailing a taxi. EXT. SUBWAY STATION - LATER THAT DAY Alice has her phone up to her ear. GWEN (V.O.) You’ve reached Gwen! Leave a voicemail if you somehow dropped into a wormhole and it’s 2007 again. Which it probably is if I’m not answering my phone. You should be worried. SFX: Voicemail beep ALICE Gwen, please come back. Call me as soon as you turn your phone back on. I’m sorry, I didn’t know, and I need you— She hangs up as a train noisily pulls up to the station.

74. Alice is wearing a huge Columbia sweatshirt and her hair is tied in a knot on her head. Frumpy chic. As the train eases to a halt, passengers disembark, including an equally nervous Cameron, who is also wearing a Columbia shirt. He waves at Alice and walks over to give her a stiff handshake. CAMERON Nice shirt. ALICE Thank you so much for coming all the way out here. You definitely didn’t have to. CAMERON (Laughing) Well, I couldn’t let my subject get away from me, you know? Haven’t had that happen since the great monkey experiment of ‘14. The lab never smelled the same. (Beat) I mean, ah, I live nearby. (He gestures to her shirt.) I used to work at Columbia. Graduated from there with my grad degree two years ago. ALICE Oh yeah? Why’d you leave? Monkeyrelated mishaps? FLASHBACK: INT. COLUMBIA OFFICE - DAY SUPER: ONE YEAR AGO CAMERON (V.O.) No... no. I just.. I got a little too close to a supervisor. We spent so much time together, I thought we would be great together. I told her how I felt, but she felt it was more of an HR issue. Cameron is standing in the doorway of Carol’s office. She sits at her desk, horrified as he presents her with flowers. His smile melts off his face into the saddest frown.

75. END FLASHBACK They hop on the next train that pulls up. INT. SUBWAY - CONTINUOUS An awkward silence falls as the two look around. The conductor announces the next stop, a man in saggy pants step inside carrying a briefcase. He opens the briefcase to reveal that it’s full of CD cases. SAGGY PANTS GUY Yo, everybody in this car gotta check out my mixtape! Oh god.

ALICE AND CAMERON

Without skipping a beat, the two through the subway doors. They barely make it through before the doors shut, and look back panting, Indiana Jones style. They laugh. ALICE Wanna wait for the next one or keep walking? It’s not far from here. CAMERON I’m okay with walking. They walk, certain of their steps but unsure of where to go from there. EXT. HARLEM - CONTINUOUS ALICE I’m sorry about your supervisor. That sucks that she led you on like that. CAMERON Oh, it’s not that she led me on. I think I’m just so fascinated by love, I wanted it so bad, I sought it in places it didn’t really exist. ALICE I get that. But you know, isn’t love just what you make of it? (MORE)

76. ALICE (CONT'D) There’s no such thing as a perfect person, you have to work with what you’ve got. CAMERON Why do you think that? ALICE It’s a long story. CAMERON Perfect for a long walk. Alice and Cameron walk and talk, passing by buildings and children playing. Traffic seems to disappear as they stop looking around and start looking at each other. ALICE (V.O.) For a guy who believes the most dominant human emotion is just a manipulation, he sure is an active listener. I guess most psychologists are. They stop at an intersection and notice a woman sitting on a bench. She and the bench are both covered in pigeons. She doesn’t seem to mind. Cameron points at her. CAMERON I bet she believes in love. What do you think? ALICE I don’t know, Humans of New York Guy, why don’t you ask her? Cameron strolls in that direction, looking back at her. The pigeons angrily take to the sky in a horrific cloud that would absolutely delight Alfred Hitchcock. Alice laughs as Cameron approaches the now-disgruntled pigeon lady. The bird lady squawks at Cameron and he flees, running back to Alice. Alice beams. She touches her face and realizes how much she’s smiling. Oh god.

ALICE (V.O.)

77. EXT. ANIMAL FASHION SHOW - CONTINUOUS Bright colors, carnival attractions and the various sounds of famous internet animals fill the room. Gwen looks around. My people.

GWEN (V.O.)

Gwen has somehow transformed from the disheveled state she left Alice in into that of a Kardashian in their early years. She’s carrying Ferret in her arms. He is wearing Givenchy. A black turtleneck to be exact. Everyone’s eyes are on them. GWEN (V.O.) Did I know I was going to be famous? (Beat) Yes. Did I know it was going to be like this? Yes. This is exactly what I had in my 5year plan when I came to college. Of course, I was expecting to be married to Nick Jonas and living on his yacht as well, but this will do. She smiles and looks at the other people in the crowd, many of whom are whispering to each other. GWEN (V.O.) Am I pissed at Alice? Most definitely. But how can I be mad about a guy when everyone who is everyone is here? She strikes a perfectly-timed pose as someone takes a picture of her. GWEN Want an autograph? The photographer darts away. GWEN (V.O.) Fans are so cute. Anyway, Alice will be fine. If she really needs me, she’ll find me.

78. She pulls out her phone and looks at it. No messages. She takes a deep breath, marching onward to the registration tent with a sign that reads “BUZZTHINK SEMI-ANNUAL ANIMAL INSTAGRAM CELEBRITY CONVENTION.” She stands in line to check in. Behind her is a man, TYLER (28). He is as handsome as a man wearing cargo pants can be. He stands beside one of those handcarts you used to move into your freshman dorm. Gwen eyes him. TYLER Hi, I’m Tyler. GWEN Sorry, I don’t talk to my competition. She turns her back to him. He blatantly ignores social cues. TYLER I’m not competition, I just have a passion for animal fashion. She looks to see what’s on his handcart. It’s a full, 10-gallon aquarium tank, complete with a minicastle and plastic foliage and a very chill eel. GWEN What the hell is that? TYLER THAT?!?! *SHE* is my pride and joy. You might know her as the “I know that eel, bro” meme. I call her Karen. GWEN (Grossed out) What does it — or she – do? TYLER She lights up in sync with the music I play. She was in, like, 5 viral videos in 2013. GWEN Does she light up to Christmas music like one of those houses?

79. TYLER Hanukkah music. She’s Jewish. GWEN Okay, so, what are you doing here? How is Karen going to compete in a fashion show? TYLER (Shrugging) Yeah, I’m just here to meet and hang out with some friends — Doug the Pug, Marnie the dog, Buster the red-footed skink... As Gwen approaches the check-in desk, the woman who took the picture of her earlier taps her on her shoulder. Gwen turns around. PHOTOGRAPHER There it is! A man in an animal control uniform saunters up to her like a disappointed cowboy. ANIMAL CONTROL You can’t have that. GWEN Sorry! I thought it was free! She pulls a massive handful of animal figurines out of her pocket and hands it to him. He lets it fall directly to the ground. ANIMAL CONTROL Not that. The ferret. You can’t have those in New York City. They’re illegal. He puts on gloves and takes Ferret away from her. Ferret struggles but fails to escape before he’s put in the cage. Gwen is paralyzed. She tries to speak and work her magic but she can’t find the words. She starts to run after him, but she trips on Karen. Tyler yells after him. TYLER Don’t take her seeing eye ferret! I’ll report you!

80. ANIMAL CONTROL I’m not falling for that one again! Tyler helps Gwen up. TYLER Damn, I thought that whole antiferret law thing was just part of the Giuliani anti-crime propaganda. Gwen purposefully sits back down, wiping away tears. TYLER (CONT’D) Don’t even worry about it. We’ll get it back. GWEN Why are you being nice to me? TYLER I don’t know, you’re pretty? (Beat) And I believe no one should ever be separated from their best friends. He pats her on the head like she is a beautiful golden retriever. TYLER (CONT’D) Come on, get up. We’ve got a relatively-undiscovered ferret to rescue. Gwen gets up reluctantly. GWEN (Sniffling) I didn’t even get to post a pic of us today. EXT. HARLEM STREET - LATER THAT DAY Cameron and Alice still walk and talk. ALICE She’s still not answering, and she hasn’t uploaded anything to any sort of social media. So her phone is probably dead. Or at the bottom of a ravine. (Beat) Okay, this is the street. They stroll up to a building marked “SAL’S DISCOUNT PET GOODIES.”

81. CAMERON This seems illegal and downright creepy. ALICE That’s Gwen for you. She once got me a birthday cake from a vending machine. INT. SAL’S DISCOUNT PET GOODIES They weave through crates of exotic lizards and mounds of dry dog food to an ultra discount rack of tiny pet outfits. ALICE She’s not here. She scoots to the front of the store while Cameron examines the tiniest astronaut outfit. CAMERON Alice, if you don’t mind me asking, why did Gwen run away? Alice’s eyes widen as she contemplates a lie. ALICE We got in a fight. It was my fault. CAMERON You mentioned that. About what? ALICE Uh, girl stuff. CAMERON (Sincerely sorry) Oh, oh, oh. Sorry. Right. Girl stuff. Not my business. Alice leads Cameron into the next store. INT. “CHEAP HANG GLIDER EMPORIUM” It is exactly what you would expect. A small warehouse full of hang gliders of all different shapes, sizes, colors and safety restraints. ALICE Not here, either.

82. CAMERON Thank god. I feel like “cheap” shouldn’t be your focus when you’re looking for something to support you when you literally throw yourself off a cliff. ALICE Gwen loves to spend money, but she has discount taste. On to the next store. INT. MCDONALDS It’s completely empty. No one is even working the cash register. ALICE She likes this one because it has one of those game stations you can play while you eat and the staff takes breaks in a back room so they can’t tell her she’s spent more than her fair share of time playing Pacman. Cameron just nods.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE ANIMAL CONTROL SHELTER - NIGHT Gwen and Tyler hand a teenage girl a single bill. TYLER Ten minutes, tops. Take all the selfies with Karen that you can in that time. We’ll be back with your brother as soon as possible. Fine.

TEEN GIRL

Gwen grabs the hand of a RANDOM KID (7) who staggers behind her.

83. INT. ANIMAL CONTROL SHELTER Gwen and Tyler bust into the shelter, both channeling their worst New Jersey accents and yelling as they walk up to the front desk. GWEN And I says Bobby, if you’re going to behave like an urchin I’ll let ya. I’ll let ya sleep with the fishes, ya little brat. She steps aside to reveal the kid quivering behind her. Tyler swats at the kid. TYLER I can’t believe the nerve of you, Bobby! On a nice family vacation in New York, and you gotta screw it up by smugglin’ ya pet ferret...Oh, hello officer. Lovely night. The officer at the front desk seems to hate his life even more than the one from before. ANIMAL CONTROL 2 How can I help you? GWEN We’re from outta town — Hoboken, you heard of it— TYLER Butt crack of the east coast, I’ll tell ya that. Birth place of Sinatra and baseball. GWEN On a nice vacation in the city, and this little bastard (gesturing to terrified child) snuck his stupid pet ferret in his pocket and got it taken away! The child whimpers. TYLER We gotta head back tonight so I can be at work, but the kid won’t stop screamin’ about it, calling it his best friend, dumb bastard— Gwen hits Tyler.

84. GWEN If we don’t shut this kid up a taxi driver is gonna drive us all off the side of the turnpike, so can ya give us the ferret back? ANIMAL CONTROL 2 Well I gotta look at the paperwork... As he looks in desk drawers, Gwen gives the kid a pat. The kid starts screaming at the top of his lungs. Dogs and cats start howling as well in a chorus of hellish shrieking. TYLER I’ll make this easy for ya, give us the ferret right now or we can just leave you this kid for your collection, huh? Animal control guy stops shuffling through papers and gets up. Gwen and Tyler fist bump. He returns shortly with Ferret in his hands. Gwen whistles, and Ferret crawls up her pant leg. GWEN We’ll be seeing you! They exit. EXT. OUTSIDE THE ANIMAL CONTROL SHELTER The trio walks around the corner to join a teenage girl, who is standing by Karen and her setup. She’s taking selfies. TEEN GIRL Just give me a second, I almost have the perfect angle. TYLER (Still in his bad accent) You’ve had more than enough time. Beat it. Take your little brother with ya. Teen girl scoffs in a very Teen Girl way. TEEN GIRL Fine. Come on Jeffrey.

85. She yanks the little boy by the hand and they disappear into the night. Alice and Tyler bust out laughing and hi-five. TYLER You’re a natural! GWEN Thanks. Sometimes Alice and I talk to each other like the parents from “Matilda.” TYLER All this about Alice, should I be jealous? She puts her arm around him. Yes.

GWEN

Tyler laughs, and she gives him a kiss. TYLER Hey, let’s get out of here. Gwen hails a cab. EXT. HARLEM STREET - NIGHT Alice is despondent. ALICE I can’t believe we didn’t find her. I don’t know where she would go! This street has the most random bargain stores in the whole city and it’s walking distance from our house. INT. SUBWAY STATION They board the train as it pulls up. CAMERON Could she have taken a cab? ALICE No, she’s always afraid they’ll steal her ferret. (MORE)

86. ALICE (CONT'D) And she won’t take the subway alone because she’s afraid of pizza rats. (immitating Gwen’s voice) They get all the attention and they have no artistic voice! Alice closes her eyes, and before she knows it Cameron is nudging at her. Her head has fallen on his shoulder. She jumps to her feet. CAMERON We’re at your stop! EXT. MANHATTAN STREET Alice is checking her phone frantically. CAMERON Don’t worry. I’m sure she’ll come home. She looks up and tears are rolling down her face. ALICE This is all my fault. Cameron pats her on the back, trying to hug her but she keeps walking quickly. CAMERON Alice, I have heard you talk about her all day. I am sure you care about her and whatever you said to her won’t overshadow your friendship. She loves you too. They walk up the steps to Alice’s apartment in silence. ALICE Cameron, if Gwen doesn’t finish this study tomorrow, we lose our apartment. She opens the door to her apartment and walks in, then turns around and collapses in Cameron’s arms. ALICE (CONT’D) (Between sobs) What do I do? Cameron holds her tight and doesn’t say a word while she cries. When she gets quiet, he speaks up.

87. CAMERON We are going to find he. You go to bed, Ill be back here at 8 a.m. sharp. You know her better than she knows herself, we will find her. Alice pulls away. She looks at her couch then looks at him. Then she looks at her bedroom and looks at him. She hesitates. ALICE Okay, see you tomorrow. Hope I didn’t ruin your Friday night. They wave goodbye, and Cameron exits. INT. JACOB’S APARTMENT - NIGHT CLOSE UP: A red cup that is filled with liquid that is sloshing around to thumping bass. PULL BACK TO REVEAL: Jacob is alone in his room, someone nearby is partying. He sits at his desk and powerfully clicks. CLOSE UP: His computer screen. He just submitted his application to Columbia for graduate school. He immediately switches to Facebook, where he is looking at Gwen’s profile. No activity from today, which is weird. He switches to the home screen, looks at pictures of all of his friends partying, and slams the laptop shut. END CLOSE UP He picks up his phone. JACOB Hey, mom. Love you. (Beat) Yeah, I did submit it, just now. (Beat) yes, the day it’s due, but I didn’t have time— He hangs his head.

88. JACOB (CONT’D) (Frustrated) I’m doing my best, okay!? A long beat. We can hear someone on the other line yelling unintelligibly. JACOB (CONT’D) Okay. Sorry. Love you. He turns around and crawls into bed, rolling over as if to go to sleep with the light still on. EXT. STREET IN QUEENS - NIGHT Gwen and Tyler stumble out of a cab. They’re a little drunk, but mostly they’re acting weird because of their personalities. Their animals are in tow, of course. Both sleepy. GWEN And it’s like, corgis are so ugly anyway. She deserved only twelve likes on that post. I don’t care which Backstreet Boy she met. TYLER You’re so funny when you’re malicious about other people’s pets! They laugh and walk to Tyler’s front door. Gwen fishes around in her purse. She smacks one hand on her forehead. GWEN Oh shit, do you have an iPhone charger? TYLER No, I have an Android phone. Gwen turns away and raises one hand in the air. GWEN (Yelling) Taxi! Taxi! Please come quick! I can’t go home with a man with an Android phone! Tyler laughs and scoops her up and carries her back from the side of the road to his door.

89. INT. TYLER’S APARTMENT - DAY Tyler flicks the lights on dramatically to reveal an extremely normal apartment. It’s relatively clean, all of the necessary furniture is there, as well as a couple paintings of fruit. Nothing out of the ordinary. Except for all of the eels. GWEN My phone has been dead all day. I haven’t gone this long without a phone since I got it taken away playing Snake during class in fourth grade. Can I use yours to call Alice? I don’t want her to worry. She sits on the couch with Ferret curled up in her lap. Tyler makes a tiny ferret nest out of blankets and places ferret inside. When he looks over at Gwen, she is fast asleep. He looks to his bedroom and back to Gwen. She is sleeping so peacefully. He looks at the bedroom again, and decides to head there alone. He drapes a blanket over her. INT. ALICE’S APARTMENT - THE NEXT DAY ALICE (V.O.) There are two things Gwen loves — attention, and people who give her attention. There are also a lot of other things she’s weirdly obsessed with. One of them is Taco Bell. In all of Manhattan, there are roughly a million Taco Bells. Only one has cinnamon waffle tacos for breakfast. They all used to, but too many people got Listeria. I would bet my last quarter from my collection of 50 state quarters — it’s the Kentucky one with the sad looking horse on it — that if she’s anyway this morning, she is there. Or lost on her way there. The clock on the wall strikes 8 o’clock and Alice opens her front door. Cameron is standing there about to knock.

90. ALICE Good. You’re here. Let’s go. CAMERON Are you...feeling okay? ALICE Okay. Yes. Never better. I don’t normally drink coffee and Gwen drinks coffee and Gwen wasn’t here to drink the coffee so I drank the coffee. Now follow me. She darts off down the street. Cameron doesn’t move. ALICE (CONT’D) What? What is it? Am I too much? Do I have too much energy? Are you mad at me? Is it because I broke your study? Did I not say thank you for helping me? Thank you! Thank you! She runs over to him and gives him a hug. CAMERON No, I just...The 6 train is that way. He gestures in the opposite direction. Alice wordlessly moonwalks back toward him and they head the right way. EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - LATER One subway ride later, Alice is still full of energy. ALICE I figured we could take the long way there so I could give you a tour. I want to stop by my dream job. CAMERON (Joking) Do you think they have the antidote to whatever poison is making you like this? ALICE Very funny. (Beat) Okay, look! Isn’t it beautiful? Alice gestures to a massive office building that looks the exact same as all the others.

91. CAMERON Beautiful. Ah, what is it? ALICE It’s Buzzthink, you idiot! The leading news source for millennials! The kingpin of digital media! CAMERON Are you speaking English? ALICE Remember when I made you take that “Which banned Taco Bell breakfast item are you?” quiz on the way here? That was Buzzthink. CAMERON Wow. Amazing indeed! They walk around a corner and stumble into a street that is blocked off for some kind of carnival. You know, a semi-annual Instagram celebrity kind of carnival. Alice’s eyes widen and she stops in her tracks. ALICE Listen.. Do you... Do you hear Gwen? She darts off into the crowd, Cameron running after her. EXT. ANIMAL FASHION SHOW Gwen is standing on a stage, holding Ferret (who is dressed like a tiny shark, which is appropriate because it is overstimulated and trying to bite everything) in one hand and a microphone in the other. Two owners stand on either side of Gwen, both holding cats in costumes. GWEN At first I wasn’t aware that cat fashion shows had a Miss Congeniality award, but I am delighted to be accepting it. Then, I was a little disgruntled, because although born male, Ferret —er, Puss in Heels, hasn’t chosen his or her gender specific pronouns yet—

92. Ferret squirms and she struggles to keep him from escaping. Alice makes her way through the crowd, but it’s hard to get to the front. People are truly passionate about this subject matter. GWEN (CONT’D) But thank you, thank you Tyler, thank you fans, thank you Instagram, thank you God, thank you Kylie Jenner, and thank you to my roommate Alice for inviting me to this Facebook event three weeks ago... Alice stops cold in her tracks and smacks her forehead. ALICE (Quietly, to Cameron) I did. I did do that. Gwen comes down off the stage with a bouquet of flowers, Ferret now fitted with a small tiara. Gwen sees Alice in the crowd. There is tension in the air at first. Their respective weird men stand behind them. ALICE (CONT’D) Congratulations. You earned it. GWEN Thank you. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment because I have no idea what this means. ALICE You don’t know what congeniality means? You went to Columbia. And, like, it’s a very popular Sandra Bullock movie... GWEN No. I don’t watch her movies. I don’t trust her one bit. America’s sweetheart my ass. No one who gets that close to George Clooney and doesn’t marry him can be trusted. They pause and look at each other, then hug like nothing ever happened.

93. ALICE Gwen, you remember Cameron. He offered to help me find you so you wouldn’t miss the DEBRIEFING THAT I ALSO INVITED YOU TO ON FACEBOOK! GWEN That wasn’t Facebook, it was a Google calendar event and you know I don’t check that because I don’t know the password. ALICE Bigbutts93. It’s always Bigbutts93. I cannot tell you that enough. GWEN You really can’t. I love hearing you say it. (Laughs) Anyway, this is Tyler. He helped me save Ferret from an evil dogcatcher, and I think we are legally married in Hoboken, N.J. ALICE Nice to meet you, new Mr. Gwen. TYLER Hi Alice. Gwen loves you a whole lot. Alice blushes. She looks down to shake his hand and notices the name tag clipped to his belt. ALICE Oh my god, you work for Buzzthink? TYLER I do, and from what I’ve heard, you’re a pretty talented writer. We’ll have to chat. GWEN Wait, you work for Buzzthink? Why didn’t you tell me? TYLER I’ve been wearing this name tag the whole time! He gestures at his crotch.

94. GWEN I didn’t look down there, you perv!(beat) So uh, where’s uh... where’s Jacob? CAMERON (Puzzled) Jacob? Why would Alice know where Jacob is? TYLER Is that the guy you had the fight over? Cameron realizes what they are talking about, and he is furious. He takes several steps back and looks like he would swear if there was anything but a gentle and awkward bone in his body. ALICE Cameron I... I didn’t want to tell you but... Gwen knows it was all a trick. The study. He processes. CAMERON Well congratulations, Alice. You just led me on a gigantic stupid waste-of-time two-day trip. And you two... hecked up my whole research study... They let him fume for a moment. CAMERON (CONT’D) I have to go. I have to be back in time. Jacob will be back and we have to debrief no matter what or the APA will be furious. ALICE Can I come with you? No.

CAMERON

He leaves. Alice reacts like he punched her in the stomach. Gwen immediately wraps her up in a hug.

95. GWEN Let him go. Let him go. ALICE It’s not like that! He’s whatever. She buries her head in Gwen’s shoulder. He’s not whatever. ALICE (CONT’D) We ruined the study, Gwen. How are we going to pay rent? Gwen pushes her away. ALICE (CONT’D) Gwen what the hell? Hold on.

GWEN

She reaches into her bra and pulls out a wad of cash. GWEN (CONT’D) Bet Sandy Bullock never told you Miss Congeniality came with a huge cash out! Alice erupts into a very embarrassing happy dance, a la “Hotline Bling” music video. ALICE I mean... We should really still go and do the debrief thing. GWEN I would like to debrief Jacob, if you know what I mean. Excuse me?

ALICE

GWEN Pants him! I would like to pants him. Tyler stands off to the side, laughing. TYLER You guys go ahead. As much as I’d love to see this, I’ve gotta help clean up. And Karen has fans to meet. He kisses Gwen on the cheek and carts away Karen.

96. GWEN Let’s go destroy a man. INT. NYU RESEARCH CENTER LOBBY - LATER Literally any Shania Twain song plays as the girls enter the building. Jacob is already sitting there reading a Duggar-based People Magazine. Gwen snatches it out of his hand and throws it on the ground. Alice picks it back up and hands it to him. GWEN Who do you think you are? Jacob stands up so he’s looming over her. Cameron steps out of the study room door with a clipboard in his hand. He doesn’t look up from it. CAMERON Participants 1 and 2? JACOB (Shrugging) I believe I’m Participant 1. He follows Cameron into the lab. Alice grabs Gwen by the shoulders. ALICE Cameron is a nice, nice man. Please hold off any destruction of men until he is out of the line of fire. I owe him one. I would never have found you without him. GWEN I would have come home, like, an hour after you found me— ALICE Doesn’t matter. Nice man. Gwen slides away, glides toward the doorway, makes a whip motion and files into the lab.

97. INT. RESEARCH STUDY ROOM Cameron sits in a chair facing Gwen and Jacob, who are sitting beside each other. He hands them each a piece of paper. JACOB (Reading aloud) Debriefing: This study was an experiment on the effects of manipulation on infatuation. Participant 1 was told to behave as though he was deeply interested in Participant 2, who was given no prior instruction or priming. He nods and begins working. GWEN (Reading aloud) On a scale of 1 to 10, how much infatuation did you feel toward Participant 1? She throws her hands in the air. GWEN (CONT’D) Cameron, this is evil. CAMERON That is Professor Johns to you, and I really don’t care what you think, I just need you to fill out the survey. GWEN This is evil! Do you not think that manipulating someone to fall in love is completely wretched and awful? CAMERON (Breaking his professionalism) Of course I do, that’s why I want to study it! I don’t want it to ever happen, but unfortunately, it seems very effective. Meanwhile, Alice creeps to the edge of the research study room and puts her ear against the door to listen in. GWEN This has to be unethical.

98. CAMERON Actually, I’m the only one of any of you who adheres to a code of ethics around here. JACOB You signed the papers, Gwen. CAMERON Jacob, you are no better than her. He snatches the paper away from him. CAMERON (CONT’D) Months of work, down the drain. I’m calling the study off. Neither one of you learned anything from this, and all I learned is that love is messy and maybe I should just stay away from it all together. Alice barges in. ALICE Oh, cut it out. Just because you got hurt one time doesn’t mean you have to project it everywhere you go. You are a wonderful man and a wonderful listener but you’re acting like a serious weenie. She looks to Jacob. ALICE (CONT’D) Don’t even get me started on you. JACOB What are you gonna say about me, Alice? All I ever wanted was a little help getting into my dream school, and I just so happened to fall for you along the way. ALICE I don’t know what world you live in, but love isn’t shrouded in deceit here on planet earth. That’s straight up manipulation. JACOB What do you want me to say, Alice? I’m doing my best. (MORE)

99. JACOB (CONT'D) I’m doing my best to win you back and I did my best to even get here and I have made myself into everything I am. ALICE Yes, congratulations, you have made yourself into an incredible asshole. A beautiful, gorgeous asshole. But you’re still full of shit. Now sit down. Jacob is already sitting down. She looks to Cameron again. ALICE (CONT’D) Are you writing this down? Yes.

CAMERON

ALICE Good. I expect a research credit. Alice turns to Gwen. ALICE (CONT’D) I love you, but I have to yell at you. I accept.

GWEN

ALICE What the hell were you doing running away like that? After all those things you said to me? After all the hurt I know you’ve been through that undoubtedly magnified that pain? How could you do that? GWEN I’m sorry, Al. I’m really sorry. ALICE I believe you, but I’m not done. You’re sloppy. You’re irresponsible. Sometimes I wonder if you are criminally insane. (Beat) You are so much fun. You taught me how to be myself and how to relax. You are, undoubtedly, my other half. My better, messier half.

100. Gwen jumps out of her chair and gives Alice a hug. GWEN (To Cameron quietly) Can Jacob leave? Yes.

CAMERON

GWEN (To Jacob, loudly) You can leave. They keep hugging. Alice is the first to pull away. She turns to Cameron, who looks sad. ALICE Listen, I know Gwen and I sort of destroyed your research, but without you, I would never have realized just how much I love her and need her. She gives him an unexpected kiss on the cheek. He looks up from his paper week, eyes like a puppy dog. Not an Instagram famous dog, but still a cute one. ALICE (CONT’D) Gwen may be my real soulmate, but I am in the market for an auxiliary soulmate. We’re headed home now, and if it’s all right with you, we’d love if you stopped by some time. He tries to act serious but cracks a smile immediately. INT. ALICE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Alice and Gwen are sitting across from each other at opposite sides of the table, staring into each others eyes. In the background, we see Tyler playing with Ferret Bueller, who is dressed like Nyan Cat. He’s trying to teach him to jump on command. It is not working. Cameron stands behind the bar in the kitchen. He begins reading aloud. CAMERON Question 1: What is the perfect day for you?

101. GWEN Taco Bell breakfast and running into my best friend at a an animal convention, probably. ALICE This. This right now. They awww. ALICE (CONT’D) Just kidding. I guess a day when I win the lottery would be pretty nice. Or any day when Gwen does the dishes. CAMERON Next question: Do you have a secret hunch of how you will die? GWEN I am certain it will be in a blaze of glory. Or from rabies. ALICE Probably from Gwen’s rabies. FADE TO BLACK