HAVE FUN IN HELL by Mary Lee Sauder

Mary Lee Sauder 709 South Main St. Apt. 8 Oxford, OH 45056 [email protected]

INT. HELL - GROUP THERAPY CLASSROOM A dingy conference room in the depths of Hell. Twenty or so folding chairs are arranged in some semblance of a circle. An easel holding a large notepad stands up front. Rusty nails covered with handmade pastel paper flowers jut from the walls. The nooses hanging from the ceiling have been decorated with scarves and pink twine. CANDY HARTMAN (22) thrusts her hands on her hips and surveys her craftsmanship. She sports a pristine white suit jacket -her only concession to "business casual" -- over jeans and a T-shirt. A small golden circlet holds her frizzy hair back in a ponytail. BORED DEMON (O.S.) Hey kid, your, uh ... patients are here. The DEMON raps on the glass door impatiently. He wears large headphones around his neck with a black, callused horn jutting out from each speaker. He taps a cheap plastic clipboard against his leg. Candy hurries to open the door to the hotel-style hallway. CANDY Oh, um, of course! Bring 'em in.

I'm all set.

BORED DEMON (scribbling on the clipboard) Yeah, whatever. He steps aside and gestures to the group behind him to come in. A jumble of people, many very old, listlessly file into the room and take their seats. They wear tattered clothing and most have heavy chains around their ankles, while others have demon horns instead. Candy grins nervously at them, but gets no response. She glances back at the demon outside for reassurance. He glowers at her from over his clipboard and wanders off. She takes a deep breath and switches to full-on peppy mode. CANDY Hey everyone! Welcome to Hell's very first positive thinking strategies seminar!

2. She flips open the notepad on the easel to reveal in glitter pen cursive: "Positive Thinking Strategies For The Afterlife!" CANDY I'm Candy Hartman and I'll be your counselor and friend for this journey we're all about to take together. Whether it's signing up for the demon appeals program to get another shot at Heaven or just learning how to make your stay in Hell a more fulfilling one, I'm here to help! The group stare at her expectant smile with blank expressions. Some of them shift in their seats. An elderly man sneezes loudly and wipes the glistening snot off with his sleeve. Candy staves off a sigh and clicks her pink heels on the grimy floor, clapping her hands together. CANDY Now, then -- let's do introductions. I'd like you to give me your name, how long you've been here, your goal for this class, and your favorite flavor of ice cream, okay? You already know me, Candy. This is only my first day in Hell, but before that I lived in Heaven for a couple months. More blank stares.

Some glowers now.

CANDY (forces a giggle) And my goal for this class is to help all of you! And my favorite flavor of ice cream is Superman. I know that's sherbet or something, but it's all yummy, right? Now let's go around clockwise. WARREN (28) fiddles with a bracelet shaped like a curvy ram's horn on his wrist. Clad in a well-worn T-shirt and ripped jeans, his whole body trembles with restrained annoyance. Candy turns to him. CANDY Why don't we start with you? to tell us your name, sir? Warren lets out a long, frustrated sigh.

Care

3. WARREN It's Warren, if you must know. It's been five long years and, well -ANGRY PATIENT This is such garbage!

(O.S.)

Candy freezes in shock. She turns to see a man in the corner of the room with greasy hair and a permanent stink eye. He shoves himself out of his chair. CANDY Excuse me? ANGRY PATIENT Ya heard me, Barbie. We're in Hell for god's sake! Ya just gonna teach us how to play patty cake and paint daisies for the rest of forever? CANDY Actually, I've been tasked by the archangel Gabriel to -ANGRY PATIENT Right, the angel! Spare us yer pity and go back to polishin' his boots. (scoffs) Screw this. He throws open the glass door and storms out of the room. Candy stands very still, knitting her fingers together. The remaining patients cross their arms and steal glances at the door. Warren glares at Candy. Candy quickly shuts the door and turns back to the group, planting herself in front of the exit for good measure. CANDY So that was a really good example of how some of you might be feeling right now, but it doesn't have to be that way forever. (gives a half smile) Because as our friend demonstrated, letting your emotions fester is -ANOTHER PATIENT You know what? I'm outta here, too. Angry grumbles from everyone else. toward the door.

They all begin lurching

4. CANDY But this is mandatory group therapy! You can't just leave! The glass door flies open. Candy tries to stop them, but gets shoved aside and the whole class stomps out of the conference room, vanishing down dimly lit corridors. Candy teeters on her heels, alone. She stumbles a bit and steps on a paper flower that has fallen to the floor. She picks up the ripped flower and tenderly attempts to fix it. The sound of shuffling chains becomes more distant with each passing moment. INT. HELL - EXECUTIVE HALLWAY Candy stands in a lavishly decorated hallway. very old and in need of repair.

It's clearly

A set of garish and ornate double doors looms in front of her. A placard to the side reads: "Mr. Vil - chairman and CEO". Candy tentatively knocks the skull-shaped brass door knocker. MR. VIL (O.S.) (deep and gravely) Yes, yes. You may enter. Candy centers herself and cracks open the heavy door. INT. HELL - MR. VIL'S OFFICE A spacious office, covered in gothic decorations and mountains of paperwork. An impossibly large desk with a jet black computer monitor, a fountain pen holder, and a faded legal pad. A stack of printed-out emails stretches from the floor all the way to the edge of the desk. A picture window shows a grand hotel close by, with brand new fixtures and swimming pools on the roof. MR. VIL (immortal, looks mid 40s) jots down notes on the legal pad in ink that looks suspiciously like blood. His dragon wings make him look very large and imposing, but he has a bleary look on his face. A large antelope horn juts out from his ear, where it ends in a Bluetooth earpiece.

5. He glances at Candy and places the fountain pen back in its holder. MR. VIL So, then. I heard that today's session didn't go as planned. CANDY I didn't even get to start the group discussion. Mr. Vil sighs. MR. VIL Perhaps better results will come tomorrow. (looking aside) That schemer Gabriel ... this plan barely fits in my budget and he knows it. CANDY But Mr. Vil ... wait, is your first name -MR. VIL (annoyed) It's not 'De'. CANDY Oh, sorry ... But Vice President Gabriel gave me a special mission. It's worth the money, right? Mr. Vil gestures to the window. Men in suits and war uniforms lounge by the tiki bar at the glamorous hotel. MR. VIL I just got off the phone with Rupert Murdoch an hour ago and he's been demanding solid gold jacuzzis for all of his staff's future rooms. If I don't deliver on what our stockholders want, this entire operation could be in jeopardy. CANDY I promise I can make this worth your while, sir. I never got the chance to be real therapist, but if I can show the archangel that I really made a difference here, then -Mr. Vil tents his fingers and sighs again.

6. MR. VIL Your enthusiasm is admirable, but ... He reaches into the pile of paperwork creeping up the side of his desk and pulls out a crumpled print-out of an email. Candy stares at it intently as he smooths it out on the desk. MR. VIL ...Gabriel sent this a few months ago, around the time you first came to Heaven. He told me that you entered the angel program to volunteer as his personal assistant. CANDY (with pride) I sure did! Mr. Vil raps the paper with his finger. MR. VIL As you may have noticed, he has a very particular way of running his business. Effective as it may be, it leaves little room for opinions other than his own. He takes the Bluetooth horn out of his ear and knots his brow at Candy. MR. VIL For months, he complained to me about his new assistant's "crazy ideas" and blatant disregard for his established agenda. (crumpling the paper again) I apologize, but he might have sent you here to dispose of you. All of Candy's confidence deflates. chair.

She slumps down into a

CANDY Dispose of me? Like casting me out as a fallen angel ... ? Mr. Vil glances down at a partially open drawer at the bottom of his desk. A tarnished, dented golden circlet sits among old paperwork and office supplies. He kicks the drawer shut and walks over to Candy as if he's about to say something important. He towers over her.

7. Candy flinches and covers her halo hairband out of instinct. Mr. Vil's Bluetooth horn rings, splitting the silence. MR. VIL (backing off) We'll continue this talk. Please wait outside for a moment. I have to take this -- it's probably Murdoch again. CANDY Yes -- of course ... INT. HELL - EXECUTIVE HALLWAY Candy gingerly closes one of the large doors and tries to calm herself down. She hears pounding footsteps coming from down the hall. cocks her head, confused.

She

The pounding gets louder. Suddenly, Warren appears from out of the darkness, wearing janitor coveralls and clearly beside himself. WARREN Is this Satan's office? 'Cause I got a bone to pick with him. CANDY It's Mr. Vil's, yes. I think he's on the phone, though. WARREN Tell him to hang up! Warren attempts to brush Candy out of the way of the door. She stands her ground and blocks him, keeping one hand on the doorknob. With some effort, she puts on her "peppy therapist" face. CANDY Say, weren't you in my positive thinking workshop earlier? You're... Warren? Warren tries to push Candy's hand out of the way. She tightens her grip on the doorknob and broadens her smile.

8. CANDY You were so reserved back in the session. I'm not sure where this aggression is coming from. WARREN From years as a damned demon with NO APPEAL IN SIGHT! I wouldn't expect YOU to understand. Candy's smile cracks a little bit. CANDY And why is that? WARREN (trying harder to shove her out of the way) Just shut up and let me through! Candy frantically attempts to drag Warren away from the entrance. He finally succeeds in loosening her grip on the knob and rips open the door. INT. HELL - MR. VIL'S OFFICE Mr. Vil stands in the doorframe, looking much more pissed off than weary. He hangs up his call and stares down at the two lesser beings. MR. VIL Miss Candy, there's something important I need to discuss with -WARREN (butting in) Hey Satan, you better listen here -MR. VIL (in a deeply unsettling demonic voice) Be Silent, Mortal. Warren turns white as a sheet. WARREN Oh ... okay. Candy meekly steps forward. CANDY You needed me for something, Mr. Vil?

9. Mr. Vil turns the computer monitor on his desk around to face Candy. On the screen is GABRIEL, video calling from a handheld device while strolling along one of Heaven's golf courses. CANDY It's the Vice President! Gabriel (immortal, looks mid 30s) adjusts his already perfect hair. He wears a supremely tailored white suit with gold accents and a chunky gold watch with etchings similar to Candy's hairband. Feathery wings spray out of his back. He always seems upbeat, making it hard to tell what's going on in his head - like whether he's being genuine or sarcastic. GABRIEL Hey Hartman, what's happenin'? Sorry for sending you on such a dangerous mission without a ton of notice -I knew you could handle it! CANDY Well, actually -MR. VIL By sending her here, you've locked her out of Heaven until her mission is complete. You do realize this? GABRIEL She knows the rules. (winking at Candy) You can handle that rinkydink realm for a teeny bit, right? Long enough to take some pressure off Mr. Sunshine here? MR. VIL (banging his fist on the desk) Ever since the Purgatory buyout left me with billions more residents than Hell was capable of housing, I've worked day in and day out to keep our numbers in the black. The least you could do is acknowledge that! The two men continue arguing, seemingly forgetting about Candy entirely. She backs away, coming up against Warren who is still recovering from his scare.

10. CANDY (whispering) I don't know who to believe anymore. WARREN (whispering back) Sounds like a rat's nest of issues going way deeper you, blondie. His wits collected, Warren narrows his eyes at the angel on the screen. WARREN Still, this could be my perfect chance! Before Candy or Mr. Vil can stop him, Warren stomps up to the monitor and sticks an accusing finger in Gabriel's face. WARREN Hey angel boy! You know a lady by the name of Silvia Sterling? I've been working my ass off for years just to -Candy claps her hand over his mouth before Mr. Vil can use his demon voice again. Warren struggles, but she barely manages to keep him restrained. CANDY (to Gabriel) Don't mind him, sir. I'll be sure to work with him later in my class on the Heaven appeals process that I'll be teaching in a couple weeks. GABRIEL Yeah, see ... Grouchy just told me about your little debacle this morning. And since he can't spare enough dough to allow for some hiccups in the plan, you better start getting results pronto or else. CANDY Um ... how long is pronto? GABRIEL I'd initially planned on you staying there for half a year or so, but ... MR. VIL With the way things are now, my budget can only cover you for a month at most.

11. Candy gasps. Taking advantage of her shock, Warren struggles free of her grip. CANDY I -- There's no way I can -WARREN No way? What happened to that insufferably peppy attitude from before? CANDY If I don't complete my mission in time, I'll ... I'll ... MR. VIL Be stuck here forever. CANDY (sighs) ... Yeah. WARREN Better get used to it, blondie. Candy wavers, but then takes a deep breath, steeling herself. She puts on a determined glare and marches up to the monitor. Everyone stares at her expectantly. CANDY I won't need to get used to it. One month from now, the same patients who stormed out of my class today will be well-adjusted and on their way to Heaven. GABRIEL (with a wink) That's the spirit, kiddo. CANDY All I need is one thing. Candy points to Warren. CANDY An assistant. WARREN W -- what!?

12. CANDY And if we succeed, both of us should be allowed to go back to Heaven immediately. MR. VIL Bypassing the appeals process carries hefty consequences. If you fail, both of you will be condemned to Hell for the rest of your afterlives. Are you prepared to accept that? CANDY ... I won't fail twice. (to Warren) Are you with me? Warren surveys his janitor's uniform, and then Candy's determined expression. He adjusts his ram's horn bracelet. WARREN I couldn't face her like this anyway. (points a finger at Candy) You'd better not screw this up. Gabriel twists his hair and flashes a pearly white smile. GABRIEL Great! That's off the table, then. Off to work, kids. He shoos them away with his free hand. Candy and Warren pry open the iron double doors, looking up at Mr. Vil for confirmation. MR. VIL May God have mercy on your souls. The heavy doors clang shut behind them.