KILL THE CRITIC! A Backstage Farce By Todd Wallinger

Todd Wallinger 4230 Archwood Drive Colorado Springs, CO 80920 719-331-8834 [email protected]

1 CHARACTERS BERTRAM FINCH—Arrogant theatre critic, wields his wit like a scalpel, 40's to 60's TREVOR STANTON—Impulsive young actor, highly strung, 20's JACK MANN—Wisecracking older actor, likes his scotch, 40's to 50's SYLVIA ALCOTT—Grand Dame of the stage, has a thing for younger men, 40's to 60's MELANIE MONZONI—Ditzy socialite, prone to jealousy, 20's TONY MONZONI—Professional "exterminator" and Melanie's father, 40's to 50's ROGER BANCROFT—Stage manager, terminally frantic, 30's to 40's OFFICER KIMBALL—Hard-nosed cop, 40's to 50's OFFICER SCHWEBNICK—Hard-headed cop, 20's to 30's SETTING A backstage dressing room TIME 1955

2 ACT I SCENE 1 (Lights up. BERTRAM enters, his hands tied behind his back, a wastebasket over his head. TREVOR enters behind him holding a knife.) TREVOR Don't move. (Still holding the knife, TREVOR locks the dressing room door.) TREVOR Now where can I put him? I know. The bathroom. (TREVOR peers into the bathroom.) TREVOR No. I might need to use this later. (TREVOR closes the door.) TREVOR How about the broom closet? (TREVOR looks inside, picks a dead rat off the floor.) TREVOR Yeesh! I wouldn't put a dead man in there. (TREVOR tosses the rat back in and shuts the door.) TREVOR Aha! The wardrobe! (TREVOR throws open the wardrobe. It's crammed with old costumes. He tries to grab them up in one armful, but the knife gets in the way. He switches the knife to the other hand and tries again. Big surprise. The knife is still in the way. Finally, TREVOR has a brainstorm. He places the knife between his teeth—and immediately cuts his lip.) TREVOR Ouch! (TREVOR touches at his mouth, sees blood.) TREVOR Damn it! And on the night of my Broadway debut! (TREVOR looks at the wound in the mirror. Tired of waiting, BERTRAM shakes his head until the wastebasket falls off.)

3 BERTRAM Stanton. I should have known it was you. TREVOR Put that back on! BERTRAM You can't even play a kidnapper convincingly. TREVOR I said put that back on! BERTRAM I'll bet that's a stage knife too. TREVOR What, this? No, I just cut myself with it. BERTRAM Well, you bleed like a real actor. TREVOR Thanks— (Pause) Now cut that out! That's exactly why I'm doing this! BERTRAM You don't appreciate my wit? TREVOR Yes. I mean no. I mean, that's not wit. That's just the same venom you write your reviews with. BERTRAM Good actors don't read reviews. TREVOR They read you. BERTRAM Yes. Well, that's one of the advantages of being the most powerful theatre critic in New York. So how are you going to do me in? TREVOR What? BERTRAM The method. The means of execution, man. Strangulation, perhaps? A quick blow to the head? Wait. I know. You're going to subject me to a soliloquy. TREVOR I'm not going to kill you.

4 BERTRAM I should have expected as much. Another fainthearted performance. TREVOR I'm just going to hide you until tomorrow. BERTRAM Ah, and then it'll be too late for the New York Times to print my review. TREVOR Exactly. BERTRAM How can you be sure I won't report you to the police? TREVOR Please. The great Bertram Finch outwitted by a lowly actor? You'd never live it down. BERTRAM Touche. (BERTRAM walks over to the chair by the makeup table.) TREVOR Don't sit down! BERTRAM Come on, Stanton. If you're going to kidnap me, at least allow me to be comfortable. TREVOR Oh, all right. But if anyone comes, you've got to hide. (BERTRAM sits.) BERTRAM You know, you're actually doing me a favor. Now I won't have to watch you act. TREVOR Why do you hate me so much? BERTRAM It's nothing personal, old boy. It's just that I hate to see the eternal words of the Bard wasted on a forgettable little nit like yourself. TREVOR You know, Bradford wrote that I "illuminate the stage with the fiery passion of a young Gielgud". BERTRAM Bradford is plastered before the curtain even opens. TREVOR Carlysle says I "could raise goosebumps on the Venus de Milo".

5 BERTRAM Carlysle writes his reviews with a crayon. TREVOR You think it's easy to act, don't you? BERTRAM It can't possibly be as difficult as you make it appear. TREVOR I hate to disappoint you, Mr. Finch, but it's actually quite difficult. To lay your soul bare to the universe, to dig deep within yourself, to find, to find— BERTRAM Oh, please. You make it all sound so— I don't know. Important. TREVOR It's the most important work there is. BERTRAM Acting? You merely recite words on a page. If anyone deserves applause, it's the playwright. He's the one who creates something out of nothing. TREVOR Ah, but when the playwright is done all he's got are a few scribbles of ink. I'm the one who breathes life into them. BERTRAM Aren't we forgetting someone? TREVOR Who? BERTRAM The director. (TREVOR and BERTRAM burst out laughing.) Never mind. Temporary insanity. TREVOR Well, if the playwright gives birth, then the critic is the executioner. BERTRAM My dear boy. You give me too much power. TREVOR Too much power? September 3, 1952. Opening night for The Lonely Ones. Promising young playwright. Top-notch cast, including yours truly in his first starring role. September 4, 1952. The New York Times prints a review by the great Bertram Finch. "Appalling," it reads. "The play was pure dreck from beginning to end. Perhaps the only saving grace was the performance of the young Trevor Stanton, for he provided a shining example to actors everywhere: how not to act."

6 BERTRAM (Glowing with pride) I did write that. Didn't I? TREVOR The play closed three nights later. BERTRAM All right. But let's be fair. I'm not an executioner. I'm an undertaker. The play was dead before the curtain even opened. TREVOR But we were just getting the play on its feet. If you'd just tempered your criticism a little, we might have saved it. BERTRAM It's not my job to save your dreary little play. My job is to report the truth. And the truth is your acting stunk. TREVOR You ought to try it, you know. BERTRAM What's that? TREVOR Acting. BERTRAM My dear boy, you're completely delirious. TREVOR You're scared. BERTRAM Scared? Scared of what? TREVOR Of being proven a hypocrite. BERTRAM What are you talking about? TREVOR February 8, 1953. Without a Breath opens at the Cherry Lane. February 9, you write: "The artless mugging of these young Yale graduates proves what I have been maintaining for years. The drama schools of this country are worthless. If they don't start teaching their students how to act with style and grace, I'll teach them myself." BERTRAM (Less enthusiastically than before) I did write that, didn't I?

7 TREVOR That and, oh, another three hundred words on what makes for a moving performance. BERTRAM All right then. How about a little wager? Your acting ability against mine. TREVOR I don't have much money. BERTRAM Oh, money is such a trivial thing. Let's make it really interesting. TREVOR What do you mean? BERTRAM If I lose, I resign my position with the Times. TREVOR And if I lose, I suppose I'll have to give up acting. BERTRAM You would, but I'm not sure you ever started. JACK (Off) Trevor! Open up! TREVOR It's Jack! You've got to get in the wardrobe! (TREVOR grabs the costumes from the wardrobe and dumps them in the bathroom.) BERTRAM You know the conditions. TREVOR I'm not going to take your bet. BERTRAM Then I'm not going to get in the wardrobe. JACK (Off) Trevor, you old dog. Have you got a woman in there? TREVOR What? No! I'm just going over my lines. (To BERTRAM) Forsooth, thou must take refuge in yon chamber of wood! BERTRAM If there's no wager, then I have nothing to lose by being seen.

8 JACK (Off) Come on, Trevor! Open the door. I can give you a few pointers. TREVOR I'll be right there! (To BERTRAM) All right. Fine. I'll take your bet. But if I can't act again, then you can't ever write again. BERTRAM What? Never? TREVOR Not even a grocery list. BERTRAM Now wait a minute— (TREVOR taunts BERTRAM with the sound of a chicken clucking.) BERTRAM Fine! (BERTRAM steps into the wardrobe. TREVOR closes it after him. The actor is halfway to the door when BERTRAM sticks his stillbound hands out of the wardrobe.) BERTRAM Shake. (TREVOR runs over to shake BERTRAM's hand, then closes the wardrobe and runs back to unlock the door. Entering, JACK goes to the makeup table and rifles through the cabinet underneath. He is already in costume.) JACK So what's her name? TREVOR What's whose name? JACK The woman you're hiding. TREVOR I'm not hiding a woman. JACK Don't tell me you're hiding a man. TREVOR A man? Why would I be hiding a man?

9 (JACK takes a bottle of rat poison from the cabinet and puts it to his lips. Horrified, TREVOR snatches the bottle away.) TREVOR What are you doing? That's rat poison! You could have killed yourself! JACK Relax. It's not rat poison. It's scotch. (JACK grabs the bottle back and takes a swig.) Want some? TREVOR No, thanks. I never drink alcohol before a performance. JACK I know what you mean. I never drink milk. (TREVOR starts to put on his costume.) TREVOR So why would you put scotch in a bottle of rat poison? JACK It's merely a precaution. Sylvia doesn't like me drinking booze. TREVOR But she's okay with you drinking rat poison? JACK Let's just put it this way. She wouldn't be disappointed. TREVOR I don't know why you two don't just call it off. JACK We've tried. Believe me, we've tried. The funny thing is we're good for each other. I make her feel young and she makes me feel employed. TREVOR That's a rather mercenary outlook. JACK What do you want me to do? The last good part I had was three years ago, and that came from my comb. TREVOR Call me a hopeless romantic, but I believe love is more important than money. JACK Yes, well, we can't all have a girl like Melanie. TREVOR She is wonderful, isn't she?

10 JACK She's as lovely as a night in Spain. And just about as bright. TREVOR Hey! JACK Oh, before I forget, I've got something for you. (JACK pulls out a ring box, opens it. It contains an engagement ring.) TREVOR I'm flattered, Jack, but really, I'm not sure you're my type. JACK It's not for you. It's for Sylvia. TREVOR So why are you giving it to me? JACK You know the proposal scene at the end of Act III? TREVOR When I hand you the ring? JACK Yes, only instead of the prop ring, I want you to hand me this one. TREVOR You're going to propose to Sylvia as part of the play? JACK Of course. After all, she can't say no. It's in the script. TREVOR That's awfully romantic of you. JACK Yes, well, I've got to do something. I suspect that Sylvia is seeing someone else. TREVOR Who do you think she's seeing? JACK I don't know. But if I find the guy, I'm going to tear him limb from miserable limb. TREVOR (Examining the ring) You know, this looks just like the prop ring. JACK No, this diamond has a flaw. See?

11 TREVOR Oh, yeah. It looks like a little blue horseshoe. Must be good luck. JACK I don't feel lucky. I just feel five hundred dollars poorer. (While TREVOR pockets the ring, JACK sits at the makeup table so he can put on his makeup.) JACK So when are you going to propose to Melanie? TREVOR Oh, our love is too deep to be wrapped up in something as crass and materialistic as a ring. JACK Have you told her that? TREVOR What do you think I am? Crazy? JACK Well, you'd better propose to her soon, before she realizes you don't have a dime to your name. TREVOR Oh, I don't know. Something tells me this play is going to be a big hit. JACK It won't be after Finch gets his talons on it. TREVOR Oh, come on. He's not that bad. JACK Bertram Finch? The Barracuda of Broadway? Why, if he were here right now, I'd tell him what a blithering idiot he is. (BERTRAM throws open the wardrobe. TREVOR races over to shut it. JACK turns to TREVOR, too late to see anything.) JACK I say, old boy, are you feeling all right? (Pressed against the wardrobe, TREVOR strives to look calm.) TREVOR Never better. JACK You look like you're under a lot of stress. TREVOR What would I have to be stressed about?

12 JACK Nothing, I suppose. (Returning to the mirror) Now where were we? TREVOR We were talking about Melanie— JACK Right. No, wait. We were talking about Finch. The sniveling blowhard. (BERTRAM tries to open the wardrobe again, but TREVOR holds it closed.) JACK Did you read his latest review? TREVOR No, I don't really read reviews. JACK It was complete drivel. If I didn't know better, I would have said it was written by a baboon. (BERTRAM shoves the door into TREVOR, jab after painful jab.) TREVOR Now come on. Don't you think that's going too far? JACK You're right. I didn't mean to call him a baboon. (The jabs stop for a moment.) JACK That would be unfair to the baboons. (The jabs return in full force. Despite TREVOR's best efforts, the door opens a crack, allowing BERTRAM to squeeze his hand outside. TREVOR grabs a hairbrush from the makeup table and whacks BERTRAM's fingers until the critic is forced to pull them back in. JACK turns to TREVOR, having missed all the excitement again.) JACK Are you sure you're all right? TREVOR You know, maybe I could use a little drink. JACK That's my boy. (JACK offers TREVOR the rat poison bottle.)

13 TREVOR I was hoping for something a little less... Oh, I don't know. Desperate? JACK Fine. I'll get the vodka from the green room. TREVOR Where do you keep that? In the fire extinguisher? JACK No, but that's a fantastic idea. (JACK puts the bottle back inside the makeup table and exits. Relieved, TREVOR releases his hold on the wardrobe. It immediately flies open.) BERTRAM A baboon, am I? I'll show him who's a baboon! (BERTRAM marches toward the door, only to be stopped by a frantic TREVOR.) TREVOR You can't leave! BERTRAM Why not? TREVOR Because if anyone sees you, you'll forfeit the bet. And if you forfeit the bet, you'll miss your only chance to make me quit acting. BERTRAM Stanton, you drive a hard bargain. (BERTRAM steps back into the wardrobe. TREVOR sits at the makeup table.) TREVOR Finally, I can put on my makeup. SYLVIA (Off) Oh, Jack! TREVOR Jack's not here, Sylvia! SYLVIA (Off) What did you say? TREVOR I said Jack's not— Oh, for heaven's sake.

14 (TREVOR opens the door. SYLVIA enters.) SYLVIA Oh, hello, Trevor. Have you seen Jack? TREVOR He just stepped out for a moment. SYLVIA Good. (SYLVIA throws herself on TREVOR, smothering him with kisses. It's all TREVOR can do to tear himself away.) TREVOR Sylvia, you've got to be more careful. Someone could see us. SYLVIA What do I care if someone sees us? We're going to be married, aren't we? TREVOR Married? SYLVIA Yes, of course, darling. Or have you been sleeping with me only so I'd get you a part in this play? TREVOR I wish you wouldn't talk that way. It makes me feel cheap. SYLVIA Believe me, darling, the way you go through caviar, you're anything but cheap. TREVOR Look, of course I want to marry you, but think of what the newspapers will say. SYLVIA Say about what? TREVOR (Hesitantly) Our age difference? SYLVIA What age difference? TREVOR Well, you know. I'm twenty-three and you're... you're... SYLVIA Go ahead, darling. How old do you think I am? TREVOR Twenty-three and a half?

15 SYLVIA You dear, sweet deluded boy. I haven't been that young in... weeks. (Eyeing the wardrobe) Where did you get that? TREVOR What? SYLVIA That magnificent antique wardrobe. TREVOR Oh, I don't know. I never really noticed it before. (SYLVIA taps on the wardrobe.) SYLVIA Just listen to that tonality, that richness. They don't make them like this anymore. (TREVOR tries to move between SYLVIA and the wardrobe.) TREVOR Please don't do that. (SYLVIA steps around TREVOR to bang on the wardrobe.) SYLVIA Sounds sturdy. TREVOR Oh, no. It's actually very delicate. It's liable to fall apart at any moment. SYLVIA Don't be silly. (SYLVIA gives the wardrobe a spin.) TREVOR Aaaaah! (TREVOR chases the wardrobe around, but before he can grab it, SYLVIA brings it to a stop.) SYLVIA And those casters. Such exquisite balance. (SYLVIA spins the wardrobe in the opposite direction.) Wheeee! (TREVOR chases the wardrobe in that direction.) TREVOR Aaaaah! (This time, TREVOR is able to stop the wardrobe. While SYLVIA is distracted by a run in her stocking, a dizzy BERTRAM stumbles)

16 (out of the wardrobe. Mortified, TREVOR guides him around the wardrobe and back inside before SYLVIA can see him.) SYLVIA Oh, poo. I've got a run. TREVOR All right. See you later. SYLVIA No, no. I mean I've got a run in my stocking. TREVOR There's a drug store down the block. SYLVIA Are you trying to get rid of me? TREVOR Of course not, darling. I want to be with you every moment of my life. SYLVIA You don't sound like you mean it. TREVOR Jesus, is everyone a critic? SYLVIA Well, I suppose I could borrow a pair from one of the other actresses. TREVOR That's a fantastic idea. Why don't you do that? SYLVIA Are you going to miss me, darling? TREVOR If only I could. (TREVOR shoves SYLVIA out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Once more, BERTRAM steps out of the wardrobe.) BERTRAM What was that? TREVOR That was Hurricane Sylvia. BERTRAM At least you could have given me some warning. TREVOR Believe me, even I don't know when she's blowing in.

17 MELANIE (Off) Oh, Trevor! TREVOR Oh, crap. MELANIE (Off) Is there something wrong? TREVOR Not at all, Melanie. I'll be right there. (As soon as BERTRAM returns to his hiding place, TREVOR opens the dressing room door. MELANIE pushes past him, looking around suspiciously. She's wearing an expensive mink.) TREVOR Hello, dearest. (Gags.) That's quite some perfume you've got on. MELANIE Don't "perfume" me. What took you so long? TREVOR I don't think I was long. Do you think I was long? MELANIE That Vera woman was here, wasn't she? TREVOR Who? MELANIE That matronly lady. With the big... (Cups her hands in front of her bosom.) Hands. TREVOR You mean Sylvia? MELANIE Aha! So you do know her name! TREVOR Of course I know her name. We're in the same play. MELANIE You didn't learn my name until our third date. TREVOR I swear to you, Melanie. I'm not interested in her.

18 MELANIE Then why did I see the two of you kissing last night? TREVOR We were rehearsing. MELANIE I didn't hear any dialogue. TREVOR It's a minimalist play. MELANIE I should have listened to Daddy. He always warned me about actors. TREVOR Yes, well, I wouldn't expect a— a— What does your father do again? MELANIE He's an exterminator. TREVOR Well, I wouldn't expect an exterminator to understand a sensitive artist like myself. MELANIE You're right. I'm sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't get jealous anymore and here I almost ruined your special night. TREVOR That's all right, darling. MELANIE Are you excited about the veneer? TREVOR The what? MELANIE You know, your new show. TREVOR Oh, you mean the premiere. MELANIE I'll never learn all this backstage lingo. TREVOR Of course I'm excited. I'm just glad you were able to get a seat. MELANIE Oh, no. That wasn't a problem at all. The man at the box office said there were plenty of seats available.

19 TREVOR Oh. MELANIE Well, I suppose I'd better go. I just wanted to hang this up. (MELANIE removes her mink.) TREVOR Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (TREVOR blocks the wardrobe.) MELANIE What's the matter? TREVOR Can't you check that with the coat girl? MELANIE Are you kidding? Daddy would never forgive me if this got stolen. It cost him five thousand dollars, you know. TREVOR What kind of exterminator can afford a five thousand dollar mink coat? MELANIE A very successful exterminator. (MELANIE reaches for the door of the wardrobe. Alarmed, TREVOR grabs her hand.) TREVOR Oh, Melanie. Your hands are so, so... what's the word? MELANIE Handy? TREVOR You have such a gift for language. MELANIE Trevor, what's come over you? You never cared about my hands before. TREVOR My eyes are only now being opened to their loveliness. How do you keep them so soft? MELANIE Goose lard. (Disgusted, TREVOR pulls away from her hand.) MELANIE Can I put my mink away now?

20 TREVOR (Kissing his way up MELANIE's arm) Oh, what is a mink compared to the eternity of our love? (As he reaches her shoulder, TREVOR makes a grab for the mink, but MELANIE yanks it away.) MELANIE Trevor, I get the feeling you don't want me to use your wardrobe. TREVOR What? That's silly. MELANIE Then let me put my mink away. TREVOR No! MELANIE Trevor James Stanton, if you don't open that door in five seconds, we're through. TREVOR Melanie— MELANIE Five. TREVOR Darling— MELANIE Four. TREVOR Ask me anything— MELANIE Three. TREVOR But that! MELANIE Two, one— (BERTRAM opens the wardrobe, snatches the coat out of MELANIE's hand and pulls the wardrobe shut again.) MELANIE Where did it go? (TREVOR guides MELANIE away from the wardrobe.)

21 TREVOR Trust me. It's in very good hands. Now be a good little bunny and hop back to your seat. MELANIE All right, darling. Good lu— TREVOR Ah ah ah ah! MELANIE I'm sorry! What is it you actors always say? TREVOR Break a leg. MELANIE The theatre is so violent! (MELANIE exits. TREVOR locks the door, then waves his arms to get rid of the perfume smell.) TREVOR Now I know why they call it eau de toilette. (BERTRAM steps out of the wardrobe.) TREVOR What are you doing? BERTRAM Look, if I have to hide in there all night, I'm going to need a drink. TREVOR I don't have any water. BERTRAM Water? Who drinks water? TREVOR Hold on. I've got something you might like. (TREVOR rummages through the cabinet of the makeup table. He pulls out the other bottle of rat poison. BERTRAM eyes it suspiciously.) BERTRAM I thought you weren't trying to kill me. TREVOR What? Oh, no. This isn't rat poison. This is scotch. Jack likes to hide his liquor. BERTRAM That must be a very rare scotch.

22 TREVOR Why? Because it's old? BERTRAM No. Because Jack hasn't drunk it yet. END OF SAMPLE