The Late Show with Stephen Colbert TOPICAL NEWS SEGMENT: The Second Coming of Trump (STEPHEN) Folks, it's no shock that Donald Trump is a religious person. [TAKE: SOT: DONALD TRUMP INTERVIEW “I'm a religious person. Shockingly, because people are so shocked when they find this out” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyDbOHvfdiE ] (STEPHEN) Shocked, to know he has any set system of morals. And this past weekend I was shocked to learn that The Donald has gotten even more religious. The New York Times reports he's now a Born Again Christian. Although if you were born to a multimillionaire real estate developer maybe you did it right the first time. (SOURCE: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/06/26/us/politics/a-born-again-donald-trump-believe-itevangelical-leader-says.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&_r=0) (STEPHEN) Evangelical Leader and founder of the religious group Focus on the Family Dr. James Dobson said Trump has accepted “a relationship with Christ” and that it's “fairly recent.” Recent as in some point between announcing his campaign to be President and needing the Evangelical vote to actually become President. (SOURCE: http://www.politico.com/story/2016/06/donald-trump-james-dobson-evangelicals-224799) (STEPHEN) But folks, this doesn't mean Trump is new to church. [TAKE: SOT: DONALD TRUMP INTERVIEW “When we go and, church. I drink my little wine (FLASH) I eat my little cracker” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyDbOHvfdiE] (STEPHEN) Apparently Trump attends the church of KC and the Sunshine Band. Drink a little wine, Eat a little cracker, get down tonight. But some people are saying this is just transparent pandering for the evangelical vote, to which Dobson added “I believe he really made a commitment, but he’s a baby Christian.” Yes, Trump is a baby Christian, which is no surprise, judging by his loud tantrums and tiny hands. (SOURCE: http://www.politico.com/story/2016/06/donald-trump-james-dobson-evangelicals-224799) (STEPHEN) When asked about his favorite verse, last year Trump told Bloomberg Television “The Bible means a lot to me, but I don’t want to get into specifics,” specifically pages 1 through all-of-it. (SOURCE: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/06/26/us/politics/a-born-again-donald-trump-believe-itevangelical-leader-says.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&_r=1)

(STEPHEN) Now the Bible has a lot of good quotes, like for instance Hebrews 13:5 “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have” or Matthew 19:24 “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven”, ...which I'm sure Trump has a plan for. [TAKE: FF: MOCKUP: TRUMP RIDING A CAMEL THROUGH THE EYE OF A GIANT NEEDLE] (STEPHEN) Faith is something deeply personal and private for every person- much like our internet search history. So to find Trump's favorite Bible verse maybe we should go right to his nightstand. [TAKE: OTS OF QUOTE: “Ivana Trump told her lawyer Michael Kennedy that from time to time her husband reads a book of Hitler’s collected speeches, My New Order, which he keeps in a cabinet by his bed.” September 1, 1990 – Vanity Fair] (SOURCE: http://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2015/07/donald-ivana-trump-divorce-prenup-mariebrenner) (STEPHEN) Or not. Now, becoming Born-Again is sacred to Evangelicals. It's when they declare Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior, and receive salvation and a 24 oz. Mountain Dew. With Trump running out of campaign money and falling behind in the polls maybe he really has accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior...of his campaign. If Trump is going to accept accept Jesus and truly convince voters he's Born Again he'll need to know the Bible. But maybe Trump doesn't need to know The Bible, but The Trump Bible. Like Thomas Jefferson before him, who made his own Jefferson Bible by excluding all of the miracles of Jesus and adding in a lot of steamy fan-fiction,--maybe he needs a Trump Bible. [TAKE: OTS: “The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth BY THOMAS JEFFERSON” https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d9/Jefferson_Bible.jpg] (STEPHEN) I present “The Trump Bible” where I've gone through and replaced the humble quotes of peace and love from Jesus with the boastful ramblings of Donald Trump. (STEPHEN pulls out “THE TRUMP BIBLE”) [TAKE: PROP: THE TRUMP BIBLE] (STEPHEN) Featuring Trump's Sermon on the mount: “When Jesus saw the Crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them.“The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. Manufacturing non-competitive.” (SOURCE: https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/265895292191248385?lang=en)

(STEPHEN) Read new interpretations of Jesus calling upon his disciples in Matthew 4:19 “Come follow me” Jesus said “I have a great relationship with the blacks.” ( SOURCE: http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2011/04/14/trump-says-he-has-good-relationship-withthe-blacks/) (STEPHEN) Hear new life breathed into the tale of Jesus and the Samaritan Woman in John 4:15 “The woman said to him, 'Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.' and Jesus told her 'I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.'” (SOURCE: https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/257552283850653696?lang=en) (STEPHEN) Have the children gather 'round for the classic teaching of Matthew 22:35 “'One of them, an expert in the law, tested Jesus with this question: 'Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?' Jesus replied: 'Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad—it really is.'” (SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCnTGhZD4ds) (STEPHEN) It's all the Trump quotes you love bound in leather, dipped in gold and ready for your night stand. And you know, for a man who often sounds like he was born yesterday, maybe it's not a big deal to be Born-Again.