As a younger boy I was surrounded with not only the beauty of life, but its' characters as well. As years went by so did the beauty.

Many times when I’ve shared my story, live, and in person a fresh spring of tears swell up within me. Not tears of sorrow or self-piety, mind you, but tears of joy and gratefulness for the gift in which I, so freely, received. Sometimes I feel with them who are in some kind of public activity, to hear my story, that it might just help them as well, because I think they're ability to ventilate their emotions could picturesque the story and the value from why I've gained my sobriety as a gift, would easily be recognized I began using marijuana at the age of 15. I didn't like beer (it made my stomach sick), but, eventually, I did go from smoking that to drinking Jack Daniels as a substance of choice. This was because I realized whenever I did smoke a marijuana cigarette, any longer, my mental faculties weren't functioning as well as I thought it can. Thus, I asked my boss (a friend of my dad) what drink besides a beer was easy to indulge in without, as I told him, the effects of what a joint did to me. Right away he said: "I only drink Jack Daniels - after a night out drinking it I wake up and don't even have a headache or a feeling of nauseousness". From the age of 19 until I was 30 years old I was then a full consumer of Jack Daniels. I loved the affect it made me feel, and I too didn't experience much of those headaches and or nauseousness so often attributed to over drinking. In between marijuana and Jack Daniels I had done pcp (commonly known as angel dust), acid, snorted some cocaine and popped speed. Some doctors had told me the effect from doing pcp would stay with me for years to come, and being I am a very religious person, I, eventually, realized that combining a spiritual being with any likes of unnatural substances, simply, do not work. I'd go to a party, succumb to the offer of a substance of choice, and before you know it I’d end up in treatment somewhere drying out. Incidentally, my friends hated me anyway when I was at their parties. They'd pass a joint to me to drag on, and I'd inhale as much of the cigarette possible, because I was so much anticipating that feeling it gave that first time I did it.

In 1991 I went to a town in Iowa (Chelsea) to visit family I hadn't seen in a while. One of my cousins asked me to go out partying. I thought to myself, great! Now I can prove to myself and others that I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict. We went out and had a wonderful time of drinking. I had my usual JD, plus some rum, tequila and I was able to smoke some weed as well. It was a wonderful opportunity to prove what it was I was thinking. The next morning proved the opposite, though. On visiting with my cousins for the day all of us gathered around the kitchen table reminiscing of our lives for the past 10 years. During this time my mind felt like it was hovering over our conversation, while my mind's eye was looking down upon us. Now, I'm not saying I had had an out of body experience, but I am saying that this is exactly what it felt like. The next scene was the picturesque moment of the circumstances that changed my whole way of thinking, and

thus my life was reborn and set free of the dependency I had upon any kind of mind altering substances. Since then I have not even stepped into a bar for this purpose and never plan to. One of my cousins, in the beginning, wasn't present. But he eventually did show up. This cousin is with Down syndrome. He was 25, I was 30. He was working in a place of employment since he had graduated from high school. I had never held a job longer than 6 months, prior to this episode. And, I still find it difficult to do so. I have never finished high school, though I did finish a G.E.D. I'm not sure, I've always thought there was someone else present at this time, but when this other cousin came in, he sat at the seat right across from me. The others from around the table slowly got up and left the room. This is what was strange. It seemed like there was someone else in the room, but here is where I'm not sure. The experience was so surreal. I know all my cousins aside from Sammy we’re out of the room, but there seemed to be another presence about, yet, I cannot explain it. Anyway, Sammy sat down, and while looking straight in the eyes he blurted out: "I'm not a retard, Albert! You are! You're a retard, man! You do drugs, you drink, smoke, you can't even hold a job, man. You didn't finish high school. You're a retard, Albert!" Then Sammy got up and left the house. I was never to be the same after that. For one thing, I felt it an injustice for me to ever use, or drink again, when I consider the responsibility (don't know a word for this) of what this individual who has this abnormality with them in their life, but still, without any help from alcohol or drugs, he still endeavors his daily tasks, and he completes them. I think of the selfishness I must have had to deny my God given talents and abilities over to the abuse of drugs and alcohol. I consider the possibility: if I did have an out of body experience, how fortunate it was for me to return, without harm back to my body, and if I do ever use substances again; would I return to my body if I ever had another out of body experience? Today, I love life! I love being sober. I love God's mercy and His grace - especially how He exhibited it to me within my life. Even though I still struggle with certain functions of my life, every day...I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful for the courage my cousin must of had in order to confront me in the manner and matter he did. (Even if my aunt and uncle put him up to it, I consider the fact of Sammy’s abilities as of an angel in disguise). I am thankful for not dying in times when I had jumped a train in order to get from point A to point B, then looking back on the situation, wondering; how in the world did I ever accomplish that? There were times I was so high; How and why did God keep me alive? I am thankful for my trials. And, I am learning even more to be thankful for my errors along with the trials, in order that God and others may teach me, so that I may progress: “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.” James 1: 2 & 3. KJV There is SO much to be thankful for in this world - and, now, because I truly do believe, the afterlife for which Jesus promises, that to me is why I have such A Great Life! I thank you for the time you may have taken from your daily life to read this, and with pleasure share with you the following poem I've written in dedication to my cousin - first, then I also dedicate it to those who suffer such maladies, diseases, or sicknesses, and, yet still give us the courage to see beyond what we ourselves thought we could not. And it is dedicated to those in the fields of medicine who

aspire to working, with, or in the field to finding discoveries that makes it more livable to the still suffering:

=============================================== A Great Life:

It must be nice to have such a great life Care free, worry free Nothing to distract the mind But I have brothers and sisters All over this land Whose life could use a hand And I'd rather not say they are helping hands At least not ours to lend to them For you see these brothers and sisters Are our angels in disguise Who lend their hands on our behalf To mend our eyes though we think we see To mend our ears though we think we hear To mend our legs though we think we carry To mend our soul though we think we're saint To mend our lives, to love without worry Because without the blind, without the lame Without the deaf, without the mute, Without the sick, without the diseased Ours is not a great life - without them.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------Dedicated To Those Whose Life Inspires Others ========================================= Step Into Eternity: To believe and trust in God Tis the step into eternity For God is forever drawing us nigh unto Him. To believe and trust in God Is to love Him For God is forever loving us To believe and trust in God Reveals our hidden thoughts and deeds Though the trials we endure increase our wisdom. To believe and trust in God Is to seek His forgiveness For God has revealed to us our selves. Reason with Him Converse with Him Argue with Him Promise Him Break your promise and promise again God is there. Ask for guidance Struggle with Him Seek Him Find Him Lose Him, though He won't lose you Be found by Him Be found with Him Follow Him Lose His path Understand Him Misunderstand Him God is the author, painter, and composer. Care for Him Tell Him you don't care Yell at Him Ignore Him Even though God cares, listens and is always near. So go ahead Run from Him You'll run back Not only to embrace Him But to be embraced by Him. Because God loves you and knows You cannot reason with someone you don't love. The poem "Step Into Eternity" is dedicated to a staff of nuns who had received me into their convent while I was drifting through Illinois. All I can remember of where their convent is, is that their convent is in Schaumburg, Illinois. The Mother Nun asked me why I was so angry. I really hadn't thought about myself being angry until she mentioned it but I told her I was angry at God for taking away my dad. I continued to say that my dad was,

really, the only friend I was able to share with what I was thinking and feeling. Though that could've been over stated at that time, I never forgot how she consoled me. she said: "Well, you can't get angry with anybody you don't love". The very last line in this poem used to read "You cannot get angry..." In time I changed it to "reason". Because I see some people's anger exhibited in "hate" and in "murder", of such angers I'd rather not choose to commit. ============================================== THE HOME OF GOD AND OUR FATHERS: There is a world in this great big universe So glorious wonderful of treasures so beautiful It is the home of our God and our Fathers Prepared from creation to those who trust Him. We shall meet one mystical day When He shall lift that veil of uncertainties And know as He is in His merciful heart That all He wants for you and I Is for us to be as He is Treasures of love, unconditionally wise.

I worked in a convenient store. The assistant manager was flirting with another man. She was married. She asked me what I thought about the man she was flirting with and my opinion of it. A verse from The New Testament came to mind, so I told her she was a pig. She told her husband. I didn't mention to her husband why I said her wife was a pig but I do hope this couple is still together. The husband took me aside and warned me that if I ever say anything like it again to his wife he'd kill me. I knew he'd be upset if he'd learnt what I had told his wife. Through the time that I said this terrible thing to her and the time that elapsed before I saw her husband I wrote "The Home of God and Our Fathers". I was in fear I would die. ============================================== GOD: The omnipotence of God may not fully be understood Yet, where there is love there is power The omniscient of God may not fully be comprehendible Yet, knowledge of self gives knowledge of God The omnipresence of God may not fully be seen Yet, the sight of God reveals less of ourselves. =============================================== A Hunger For Righteousness: Do as I say not as I do Think as I hope to think Not as I thought Be who you are and not as I am Even though this common advice Are dreams gone astray With little knowledge And a hunger for righteousness We still see beyond the years Through puddles of tears That human nature is held back by fear. So with respect manifest courtesy

These words wrought with experiences brought And a pilgrimage to its path Whether trotted anew or again with reason Beyond the horizon is a brighter tomorrow If we only do the best we can With intent to please our Creator. "A Hunger For Righteousness" is dedicated to my father and all of the parents in our society who have a hunger and thirst for righteousness. My dad used to tell us: "do as I say not as I do". As I was tossed to and fro amongst the valley of the shadow of death I came to realize that a lot of fathers had told this same thing to their children as well. Pondering on it, I came up with this poem. =============================================== I LIVE LIFE: I live in the past To learn from my mistakes I live in the present To practice what I've learned And I live in the future For without hope I would have no faith Thus Without faith There could be no eternal life. =============================================== Across the Bridge: On the road that I entered to waltz Came a bridge for my feet to cross So I pulled out my coin And gave it a toss and across the bridge I am Now across this bridge were swarms of bees But no honey to be found So I wandered into their cove of hives Just curiously abound Only to learn that the bees were mining In a paradise made for others But they could not change their nature And could not know to bother So I returned and crossed over the bridge Where my nature forever blossoms. =============================================== A Great Life: It must be nice to have such a great life Care free, worry free Nothing to distract the mind But I have brothers and sisters All over this land Whose life could use a hand

And I'd rather not say they are helping hands At least not ours to lend to them For you see these brothers and sisters Are our angels in disguise Who lend their hands on our behalf To mend our eyes though we think we see To mend our ears though we think we hear To mend our legs though we think we carry To mend our soul though we think we're saint To mend our lives, to love without worry Because without the blind, without the lame Without the deaf, without the mute, Without the sick, without the diseased Ours is not a great life - without them. "A Great Life" is dedicated to my cousin and all those who are with some kind of ailment. Someone has a loved one with an ailment. That someone sparked the initial flame of seeking a remedy to cure it. Without those who are with an ailment our doctors and practitioners would never had been needed. Doctors and practitioners, and nurses, and those in the field of health and medicine, this poem is also with dedication to you. =============================================== The remaining poems are written not so much in dedication but, from thinking about them, or they are just words written in fun, or experiences in a form of poetry. =============================================== In The Song of Songs of Love Inside my heart untouched by guile A void that yearns to see your smile But not so much it can't be filled There is a fondness that grows each while And in the song of Songs of Love The caress of your voice massages my dreams As twinkling breaths of fantasies sleep So deep in somber with blissful sweets In your voice is the direction of reason It is your heart that whispers to me That though I am man and very strong Without you my dear I have no song And I beseech the wisdom of Solomon To satisfy you in all of your charm I love the thought of just being yours I love the thought of just you my dear I love the thought of just knowing you know I love the thought of just knowing this You are my dear sweet bliss. =============================================== Respectfully Earned: You must earn respect Is what we're always told. Is respect something you earn? How do you earn it?

Do you respect yourself? How do you gain it? Do you respect others? How much respect do you afford them? Does each person you afford respect receive as much as the other? Does someone's occupation merit more respect than others? This is the iron rod Ruler of mankind Convincing to you Even if you don't believe Daring to you Even when it shouldn't be conceived. This is the iron rod, We call the tongue. =============================================== The Flame of Inspiration I suppose if it were not for inspiration There might not be a democracy Niagara Falls may never be a theme for romantic bliss And the kiss of endearment could never inspirit the love of life Sometimes it is all we need To share our aspirations with one another. But sometimes we don't kindle that flame of inspiration Thus far we have nothing to share So I suggest writing them down And the array of them shall flare. =============================================== The Child Winter Winter is crawling in so suddenly Mother attends her children's desire Harvest of the fields yielding fairly She wards off discrepancies with fire In the arctic this child is perpetual Like its fraternal twin residing in the south And even abroad she's known so well The nickname equator suits her best. Winter too commands your respect In cold spells he'll give you a boost While being bored you can slide on its gills We're sure you'll enjoy the slippery flaps But winter comes most of all To capture your fruits in preservation To give your senses something to ponder While the outdoors grows so much fonder. =============================================== Snow Chews You Cool

Snow is really fascinating white stuff With a life of its own it runs wild Climbing trees and flying high over bluffs Skipping bodies of water frozen in ice Screaming throughout the wintery times Snow dances and twirls and sings a song Reflecting the sunlight Spitting a rhyme Bouncing off chimes and sliding along Snow is wild and chews you cool. Snow brings new rhythm Fancy and bold Assuming no more than its own pleasure Yet moving aside for nobodies posture As a child without rules Snow yells and bites, and chews you cool. =============================================== Into Your Eyes I thought about you this past week How I fall deep into your eyes As I often do so Camouflaging fears of mine I get lost when I'm alone And all my strength seems to vanish So I fall deep into your eyes To comfort what I long A smile with tears All the emotions of love Come calling my name But I'm just lost, deep into your eyes. Perhaps a passion I have for thee The tenderness in your voice Surely, woman is the balance Complimenting choice So I fall deep into your eyes Where all my dreams lie In the abyss of the spirit A whirlwind wild While falling deep into your eyes. I dream of the tomorrows While times at the moment seem so borrowed I hear the distant sounds Laughter and joy only love can crown. My senses all awaken As I fall deep into your eyes Then I climb back out As you are by my side. =============================================== The Birth of Summer A breath of fresh air to all who agree Like the whisper of an aspen leaf

A whistling wind passing by Surrounding you in its cool breeze And covering our senses as autumn draws behind With the taste of honey, milk, and rye. Clear placid pools under the falls The splash of trout taking hatch Maybe the otter with an evening catch Beside a spring that's flowing by These are the scene's heralding in The birth of summer is just arrived. =============================================== A Philippians Chapter 2, verses 5 & 6 Poem: Let this mind be in you The was, I AM, and is to come It’s the gateway to the Father And all eternal Whom the Father created In all their splendor from dust to immortality ----Let this mind be in you Spirit, flesh, and divine It’s the gateway to the Mother The most blessedness Whom the Father cherishes In all their splendor from dust to immortality ----Let this mind be in you Brother, sister, kinship one It’s the gateway to endlessness Love one another As this is our providence In all their splendor from dust to immortality ----Let this mind be in you Though, at present, we may be human It’s the gateway to the Heavens And in those heavens Are the lands of creation In all their splendor from dust to immortality ----Let this mind be in you Galaxies, suns, stars, and moons It’s the gateway to Godliness Perpetual lives No beginning, no ending In all their splendor from dust to immortality ----Let this mind be in you The mind of Christ in you It’s the key that unlocks the gates A key that’s hidden Whose eyes and ears are without, unless thou listen

In all their splendor from dust to immortality Until we see - until we hear Eternity in thee. =============================================== Witness The Power I yearn to know what guides us so When I fail to hear the Spirits voice To understand and share with others The value of a trusted friend. My flesh is dying And our Spirit goes on Will the guidance I yearn Be there when it's time? Your heart is a compass With the pulse of the Soul It doesn't exaggerate When you learn its fate But all the while You listen and see You witness the power Of our Creator's being. =============================================== Tailored Pleasures My pleasures are of many different suits Longing to be worn by all they fit Though tailored to be large They can even fit the small Though tailored in choice garments You can mend them to your call They are the joys of making others free The subjects of democracy They are the longing to give happiness Not only to those we love But to all those who will see They are needs to relinquish suffering Prayers for the soul to be healed Wishes to all they have a healthy life With prosperity in their ball I cannot imagine what pain you must bear But I can offer condolences And hope they disappear I cannot make you wear this suit But I can hope you the same pleasures. =============================================== Never Again Be Apart

I think of you every day And every now and then I think of when We held each other and kissed again How I adored your every whim Those moments too that seem to be lost Except within the silence of memories When you're not here and I'm not around These are those moments unfounded. Cuddled within each others arms Caressing our bodies, feeling our charm I miss you dearly, now that I'm away Everything about you Can't wait to see you again Or hear your lovely voice Yearning to be one again And never again be apart like now For I miss being with you No matter how. =============================================== Love That Is Pure There's one thing I've always known To give love is much more difficult Than to receive it And you have consistently given me love So that I might learn to give it in return. I love you more than I've ever thought I could. It's something I've always dreamed of To give the love that is pure. =============================================== Candid Moments When I go out Into the chilled smitten air It feels like I've just put on An ice coated jacket And you notice the tree's Still holding leaves While turning colors Or dropping to the ground On the green grass turning brown. As the month of October Has just passed us by And during November You begin to look yonder Thanksgiving gets closer

And Christmas behind it Your memories flash back To those candid moments Of shades and colors That offset our grandeur Where polished shoes walk among us. =============================================== My New Year Wish For You There's something about the air around here It contains the peoples joyfulness And whether it's chilly or not outside Tis because we're all full of livelihood We remember the the words of sacredness We recall our dreams of tomorrow We yearn for the wonderful promises That give us hope to endure our challenges So with your kindest thoughtfulness I leave here words of love May your New Year be all so prosperous With health that is sent from above. =============================================== Giddy Surprises As a younger boy our aspirations yield us Giddy surprises While in and out of remarkable moments With desires that appear to thrill us. Some will discover their inner most self While others will toil the years going by Holding on to the next big thrill With hopes it is filled with acquittal. The next ambition is to become a man Where aspirations turn to perspiration And desires that thrilled us are moments Of guidance Planting a seed of that very acquittal From knowledge of experience received. I would go on and on about the giddy soul For wisdom seems to elude it. But no soul is without giddiness For it is a gift of mirth But, those who learn to master it Are teachers of morrows birth. =============================================== It Is Why I love Her

With wings of an eagle Soaring to the heights The love that is higher No other can climb This higher love cannot be scaled Cannot be infatuated But only a love that is unfeigned Given from the hearts content Unable to pull us apart I had doubted this kind of love many years For trials will be sent And I failed to believe in His Providence Though she voided my life of darkening powers Spilling the light in her heart upon my Weaknesses Ever reminding me that my faith is true While things to come aren't always kind It is why I love her with all my heart Because she teaches me God's virtue. =============================================== My Very First Poem As a leaf follows its course It'll tumble to the ground Is this a sign of winter's breeze Or just the wind to set it free? Just like the leaf to follow a course We also tumble down But unlike the unanswered question We find one when we seek. The major question of life is this Do we follow one another, Or just the one who gave us self? For with the self we will have answers That make the tumble land with chances. =============================================== Love's Object Kismet is the object of love And love gives no choice to love But gives it in object of kismet Where choices are few from above It isn't our hearts we give Love gives us our hearts desire And like a fire that burns throughout It wages with flames forever Moreover to enter our fate Is not the love within our hearts But each other without a doubt

Whom love chooses for each other. =============================================== My Slumbering Image You're my bright morning star Whose spirit shines as bright as the sun And I'd do anything to walk all over you Because you're the ground that sustains me Beneath your love I am sheltered Above your love I cannot attain Though weather dispels its nature upon me You are a refuge, a rock that maintains me And I wanna love you as much as I can Never to be ashamed of your gentle hands Whose grip has kept my slumbering image From losing this love that you have given So shine upon me bright morning star Replenish my heart that has grown so dull My heart is surrendered to yours so full So full of life, so full of love So full of the goodness and want That only you can control Until I obtain your reflection I'll hold on tight and relish these passions .=============================================== Reflections of Memory I remember long summer nights Skipping rocks across the river Wading out into its' deep And never a worry that we weary now. I remember when soda was a nickle Bread was a dime And bubble gum was a penny And never a worry that weary now. I remember the neighbors laugh Their dog or their cat A welcoming smile into their homes And never a worry we weary now. Is the change that we've endured Worth the weary we worry now Is the change that we've endured Worth the frown on our neighbors crown? ===============================================

She's Opened The Door of My Hopes: A butterfly is a symbol of rebirth, rejuvenation and hope When I think of anything my most thoughts shine in them The way Life can be Or where Life will take me While at this moment you've entered those hopes They are now more than I can bear Unless you are there to share them with

To seal in my hopes all that I've ever dreamed Please hold on to every desire that your heart desires Please don't withdraw them Though they may not be there yet Providence is the time that we will have them When they become One with Him in Mind Because His desire for you are for you to have them Whether right now in the current expression Or when in your heart this hope becomes real And we will share together a fulfilled rebirth For ever and ever in His wonderful mirth.

a. w. sheda

My poetry was written within the mental anguish I experienced trying to make my life work as I saw it work in others.

Oil painting by Al Sheda

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