MILLION DOLLAR MEATBALLS A Restaurant Farce By Todd Wallinger

Copyright 2014 by Todd Wallinger

1 CHARACTERS GORDON RAMROD—World's second greatest chef. A hothead. OLIVE PITT—Dishwasher. A smart aleck. Spends more time eating than washing. GINGER SNAP—Busgirl. Easily confused. BORIS STROGANOFF—Russian waiter. Gloomy. Has a thick white beard. SUE DEJOUR—The owner of the restaurant. Permanently flustered. FRANKIE—Jewel thief. Uses big words, some of which are actually real. BEANS—Jewel thief. Prefers short words. OFFICER SMITH—A tough cop. OFFICER WESSON—Another cop. More in touch with his feelings. HUMPHREY—Maddeningly dense maitre d'. CECIL BLUEBLOOD—Arrogant restaurant critic. TOMMY TUNELESS—Singing telegraph boy. SETTING Time: The present Place: Chez Monyeu, a drab little restaurant with high aspirations The set is divided into two rooms: the dining room and the kitchen. Separating them is a wall with a swinging door. The door has a window in it. The dining room is at RIGHT. The main entrance to the restaurant is DOWN RIGHT. A podium by the door serves as the station for the maitre d'. Several tables are scattered around the room. The kitchen is at LEFT. The back door of the restaurant, which opens onto an alley, is DOWN LEFT. A large table stands at the center of the room. Along the wall at LEFT are an assortment of cabinets and drawers and an oven. For all entrances and exits, DOWN RIGHT refers to the main entrance, DOWN LEFT refers to the back door, and RIGHT and LEFT refer to the door between the two rooms. Note that Scenes 9, 10 and 12 are the only scenes in which both the dining room and kitchen are lit, revealing the simultaneous activity in the two rooms

2 ACT I SCENE 1 LIGHTS UP in the KITCHEN. GORDON is standing at the table, working his culinary magic. GINGER is reading a newspaper. OLIVE grabs a banana from the fruit bowl and peels it. BORIS ENTERS RIGHT. He rifles through the cabinets, peers inside the fruit bowl, looks between the pages of GINGER's newspaper. OLIVE Boris, what in heaven's name are you looking for? BORIS The missing bottle of ketchup. Have you seen it, Ginger? GINGER If it was missing, how could I see it? BORIS Mr. Ramrod, you haven't seen the ketchup, have you? GORDON Ketchup? What ketchup? BORIS You know, it's red and it comes in a bottle? GORDON How many times must I tell you? I do not allow anything as vile and disgusting as ketchup in Chez Monyeu! BORIS Well, I saw it here this morning. OLIVE Why don't you look in the dining room? BORIS Fine. I will. (BORIS EXITS RIGHT. OLIVE pulls the missing ketchup bottle from her pocket and pours it on her banana. Slipping the bottle back into her pocket, she proceeds to eat the repulsive concoction.) GORDON I don't know why that dreary little waiter is always bothering me. Does he not know who I am? OLIVE Everyone knows who you are, Mr. Ramrod. You're the world's second greatest chef!

3 GORDON Second greatest chef? Second greatest chef? Who could possibly be greater than me? GINGER (Holds up her newspaper.) This guy right here. GORDON Pierre Fromage? I spit on his face! (GORDON spits at the newspaper. OLIVE and GINGER wipe their cheeks as though they got hit by it too.) GINGER I don't know. This article says he's the world's greatest chef. GORDON Oh, yeah? Does he have his own TV show? GINGER No. GORDON Does he have his own line of overpriced cookware? OLIVE No. GORDON Then what makes him such a great chef? OLIVE He cooks really well? GORDON Bah. Anyone can cook! It takes an artist to create something like this! (GORDON holds up what he's been working on. It's a piece of celery with a glob of peanut butter and some raisins.) OLIVE What's that? GORDON It's my latest creation, the greatest, most ingenious dish ever to grace the culinary world. GINGER Looks like Ants on a Log to me. GORDON Bah! You people are philistines! (SUE ENTERS RIGHT.)

4 SUE Good evening, all. OLIVE Hello, Ms. DeJour. GINGER Hi, boss. SUE How many times must I tell you? Don't think of me as your boss. Think of me as your friend. GINGER Great. Can I borrow $100? SUE Forget what I said. Think of me as your boss. OLIVE Mr. Ramrod was just showing us his new creation. SUE Oh, really? Let me try it. (GORDON offers it to her. She takes a nibble.) SUE Too anty. GORDON That's it! I quit! (GORDON tears off his apron and EXITS DOWN LEFT.) SUE What's the matter with him? OLIVE He's been a bit touchy lately. GINGER Yeah, I think he got up on the wrong side of the bed. OLIVE Forget the bed. I think he got up on the wrong side of the world. SUE Well, it doesn't matter anyway. We don't have a single reservation tonight. GINGER Again?

5 SUE I don't know what's wrong. Our food is delicious. Our portions are huge. Why won't people come? OLIVE Maybe they don't want fifty variations of celery and peanut butter. SUE Now come on, Olive. You know that's not the only thing we serve. OLIVE Oh, no? Take a look at our menu. (Showing her a menu.) Insects on a Limb. Bugs on a Branch. Oh, and my favorite: Six-legged Arthropods on the Segmented Trunk of a Tree. SUE I guess maybe we have gotten into a rut. GINGER That's not a rut. That's the entire Grand Canyon. (OLIVE grabs an orange from the fruit bowl, peels it.) OLIVE Miss DeJour, I know how much this place means to you. If it'll help save the restaurant, I'll gladly take a pay cut. (OLIVE takes the ketchup bottle out of her pocket and prepares to pour it on the orange.) SUE Actually, I'd be happy if you just stopped eating all our assets. (SUE takes the bottle of out of OLIVE's hand.) OLIVE Sorry, Ms. DeJour. SUE It's all right, Olive. Just please don't let it happen again. (SUE looks for a place to hide the bottle, only to realize OLIVE is watching her.) SUE Turn around. OLIVE (Turning around) Yes, Ms. DeJour. (While OLIVE is looking away, SUE sets the ketchup bottle on the top shelf of one of the cabinets.)

6 (BORIS rushes in from the dining room.) BORIS Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! You'll never believe what I just heard! OLIVE Whatever it is, Boris, you'd better spill it. We could use some good news. BORIS This isn't good news. This is bad news. Cecil Blueblood is dining here tonight. SUE Cecil Blueblood, the restaurant critic? BORIS Yes. OLIVE Cecil Blueblood, the Butcher of Baltimore? BORIS Yes, yes! OLIVE That's not bad news. That's horrible news. They say he can shut down a restaurant with a single word. GINGER Oh, really? Which word is that? OLIVE (Grabs the newspaper, points to an article.) Pick one. SUE But if he gives us a good review, we might start getting some customers. GINGER There's no chance of that. Our head chef just quit. SUE You're right. We're doomed. OLIVE I'd be happy to cook, Miss DeJour. SUE No offense, Olive, but the last time I let you cook, you set the kitchen on fire. OLIVE Can I help it if my pizza flambé got a little out of hand? SUE Pizza flambé is fine, but you shouldn't set it on fire until after you've tossed the dough.

7 GINGER Maybe we can find a new chef. SUE That would be nice, Ginger. But who could come on such short notice? GINGER Pierre Fromage. This article says he's in town tonight. SUE I'm shocked. OLIVE What? That Pierre Fromage is in town? SUE No. That Ginger can read. BORIS How do we get in touch with him? GINGER The article doesn't say. SUE Don't worry about that. I'll just give him a call. OLIVE You have Pierre Fromage's phone number? SUE Oh, sure. We went to cooking school together in Paris. I served him in a very critical capacity. OLIVE Were you his sous chef? SUE Something like that. (SUE dials her cell phone.) SUE (On phone) Hello, Pierre? It's me, Sue DeJour... Yes, it has been a long time... No, I can't watch your hamster tonight. I own a restaurant now... Yes, with real food and everything... Listen, Pierre. I need to ask you a big favor. I just lost my head chef and I need you to fill in for a night... Tonight, actually... Yes, I know it's short notice, but Cecil Blueblood is coming and I can't afford to get a bad review... How much?... You drive a hard bargain, Pierre, but I'll do it... Yes. See you soon. Goodbye, Pierre. BORIS How much is he asking?

8 SUE Not much. Just 51% of the restaurant. OLIVE 51%? But that means you'll lose control of the place. SUE It's better owning 49% of something than 100% of nothing. GINGER Wow, I wish I was a math whiz like you. OLIVE There's just one problem. There's no food in the fridge. SUE No food at all? OLIVE Well, we've got some ground beef and a carton of eggs. SUE That's good enough. Pierre can make his famous Million Dollar Meatballs. BORIS Million Dollar Meatballs? SUE Yes, they're just like regular meatballs, only he adds a secret ingredient that makes them absolutely delicious. GINGER What's the secret ingredient? SUE I don't know, but I'd give anything to find out. Olive, Mr. Blueblood is going to want a salad. Can you go out and buy some vegetables? OLIVE I'm on my way, Ms. DeJour. (OLIVE EXITS DOWN LEFT.) SUE Ginger, can you pick up some garlic bread? GINGER Sure. I just have one question. SUE Yes? GINGER What does it look like?

9 SUE Never mind. I'll get it. GINGER What do you want me to do? SUE You stay here and let Pierre in. GINGER Then I've got another question. SUE Yes? GINGER What does Pierre look like? SUE Oh, for heaven's sake, Ginger. Isn't his picture in the newspaper? GINGER Yes, but I can't see it. The pages are stuck together. SUE I told you not to eat peanut butter when you read. GINGER How else can I stop my lips from moving? SUE Well, he's got a great big mustache. And he walks like this. (SUE does a stiff-legged walk around the kitchen.) GINGER Is he a man or a walrus? SUE Just wait here for him. (SUE EXITS DOWN LEFT. GINGER gets out a large mixing bowl, a box of spaghetti and a carton of eggs and sets them on the table. Her work is interrupted by the sound of a siren.) GINGER Oh, boy. A police chase! (GINGER EXITS RIGHT. As soon as she's gone, FRANKIE and BEANS ENTER DOWN LEFT. They're both wearing fake mustaches. The siren stops.)

10 SMITH (OFF LEFT) Did you see where they went? WESSON (OFF LEFT) No, it's like they vanished into thin air. SMITH (OFF LEFT) Well, come on. Let's check the next block. BEANS We did it, Frankie! We got away from those dirty coppers! (FRANKIE tears off his fake mustache.) FRANKIE And look, Beans. (Pulls a handful of diamonds out of his pocket.) We still got the diamonds. BEANS Can I hold them? FRANKIE No, you can't hold them. BEANS Why can't I hold them? FRANKIE Because you might lose them. BEANS What makes you think I'll lose them? FRANKIE I don't know. Maybe the fact that you lost our getaway car. BEANS I didn't lose it. It got towed. FRANKIE Well, that'll teach you to double park next to a police car. BEANS Come on, let me hold the diamonds. I promise I won't lose them. FRANKIE All right, fine. (FRANKIE drops the diamonds into BEANS' hand.)

11 BEANS Hey, look. They're shiny. FRANKIE They're not just shiny. They're luminarious. (The first of many mispronunciations.) BEANS (Looking around the room) What is this place? FRANKIE I don't know. Must be some kind of restaurant. BEANS Great. I'm starving. Let's order some dinner. FRANKIE With what? We don't have any cash. BEANS We could give them one of our diamonds. FRANKIE Are you kidding? These diamonds are worth a million dollars a piece. BEANS Maybe they'll throw in dessert. FRANKIE We don't have time. Just grab something and we'll get out of here. (BEANS reaches into a cabinet. He grabs the ketchup bottle.) BEANS Ooo! Ketchup! FRANKIE That's revolting. You can't eat ketchup. BEANS I'm not going to eat it. FRANKIE Good. BEANS I'm going to drink it. (BEANS is about to pour the ketchup into his mouth when a loud knock is heard at the door.)

12 OFFICER SMITH (OFF) Open up! It's the police! FRANKIE Oh, no! They found us! BEANS What are we going to do? FRANKIE Quick, hide the diamonds! BEANS Where? FRANKIE I don't know. Someplace no one will ever find them. BEANS Okay. (While FRANKIE dives under the table, BEANS drops the diamonds into the ketchup bottle and sets it on top of the counter. The OFFICERS pound on the door.) SMITH (OFF LEFT) Open up, I said! FRANKIE Get under here! (BEANS joins FRANKIE under the table.) SMITH (OFF LEFT) Come on, Wesson, you try to get them to open the door. WESSON (OFF LEFT) Pretty please, with cream and sugar on it? SMITH (OFF LEFT) What police academy did you go to? (GINGER ENTERS RIGHT, oblivious to FRANKIE and BEANS. She hears the rapping on the door.) GINGER Oh, for heaven's sake! (GINGER opens the door. SMITH and WESSON are there.)

13 GINGER Can I help you? SMITH Hello, ma'am. I'm Officer Smith and this is Officer Wesson. We're looking for two jewel thieves. GINGER Oh, how exciting! Is this a new reality show? SMITH No, this is not a new reality show. GINGER Where's the camera? SMITH There is no camera. GINGER Then how are you going to record this? SMITH (Ignoring her) Do you mind if we examine the premises? GINGER Ooo! Examine the premises! You sound just like real cops. SMITH We are real cops, ma'am. (SMITH and WESSON ENTER LEFT. They circle the room, looking everywhere but under the table.) WESSON Maybe we should look under the table, sir. SMITH We're not looking for dust bunnies, Wesson. We're looking for fugitives. WESSON I know, sir, but I was just thinking— SMITH Well, stop it. You're not paid to think. You're paid to wear a snazzy uniform and look tough. WESSON Yes, sir. SMITH (To GINGER) Well, I don't see any evidence of the culprits.

14 GINGER Say that again. SMITH What? Culprits? GINGER Ooo! That word gives me goosebumps. SMITH Please, ma'am, would you try to keep an eye out for them? GINGER Will do, officers! (SMITH and WESSON EXIT DOWN LEFT. BORIS ENTERS RIGHT.) GINGER Can you believe it? I'm going to be on TV! BORIS TV? Bah! Do you know what we did for entertainment in the old country? GINGER No. BORIS Beard races. GINGER Beard races? What are beard races? BORIS We would sit face to face, staring into each other's eyes, and wait to see whose beard first touched the ground. GINGER Sounds like a hairy situation. (BORIS sees the ketchup bottle on the counter.) BORIS Ah, there it is. I'll take it into the dining room. (BORIS grabs the bottle and EXITS RIGHT.) GINGER And I'll make sure Olive doesn't steal it again. (GINGER EXITS RIGHT. FRANKIE and BEANS crawl out from under the table.)

15 FRANKIE That was a close one. Grab the diamonds and let's get out of here. BEANS Diamonds? What diamonds? FRANKIE The diamonds we stole, remember? BEANS Oh, yeah. I've got them right here. FRANKIE All right. Hand them over. (BEANS digs in his pockets.) BEANS Well, I don't mean here here. I mean in this general vicinity. FRANKIE You don't have them, do you? BEANS Not exactly. FRANKIE You babbling beefwit! What did you do with them? BEANS I don't remember. FRANKIE This is unbelievable! BEANS You're not mad, are you? FRANKIE Mad? Do I look like I'm mad? BEANS Kind of. FRANKIE Fine. I'm not mad. Why don't act it out? It might help you remember. BEANS I don't know. I'm not a very good actor. FRANKIE Well, try!

16 BEANS All right. Let's see. I was standing over here by the counter... FRANKIE Right. BEANS And then I heard the knock on the door... FRANKIE Uh huh. BEANS And then... I remember! I hid the diamonds inside the ketchup bottle. FRANKIE Ketchup bottle? What ketchup bottle? BEANS The one that was on the table. Only now it isn't on the table. FRANKIE I don't believe this! What kind of moron would hide diamonds in a ketchup bottle? BEANS Well, you told me to put them where no one will ever find them. FRANKIE When I said "no one", I didn't mean us! BEANS Sorry. FRANKIE Well, don't just stand there. Look for it! (FRANKIE and BEANS throw open all the cabinets and drawers, searching for the missing ketchup bottle. GINGER ENTERS RIGHT.) GINGER You! (FRANKIE and BEANS throw their hands in the air.) FRANKIE Don't shoot! GINGER Pierre Fromage! The world's greatest chef! BEANS (Looking around) What? Where?

17 (FRANKIE jabs BEANS in the ribs.) FRANKIE You'll have to forgive Monsieur Fromage. Sometimes he forgets his own name. BEANS Oops. Silly me. GINGER That's funny. I thought you'd be more... I don't know, French? FRANKIE Oh, he's very French. Aren't you, Beans, I mean, Pierre? Say something in French. BEANS Ooh la la! FRANKIE See? GINGER And who are you? FRANKIE Me? GINGER Yes. I thought Monsieur Fromage always worked alone. FRANKIE Yes, of course, he works alone. It's just that he, uh, well, uh... I'm his interpreter... (Struggles to think of a name.) Frenchie. GINGER Interpreter? Why does he need an interpreter? I understand every word he says. FRANKIE Yes, but you see, he can't understand a word you say. GINGER Well, hurry up and put your apron on. We've got a customer coming. (GINGER picks up the apron that GORDON tossed on the floor and throws it to BEANS. BEANS puts it on.) FRANKIE Customer? Don't you mean customers? GINGER No. Not really. (GINGER grabs an empty water glass, cloth napkin and silverware and EXITS RIGHT.)

18 FRANKIE Whew! For a minute there, I thought we were goners. BEANS I know. We've got to get out of here. FRANKIE Oh, no. We're not going anywhere until we find that ketchup bottle. BEANS But if we stay, people might get suspicious. FRANKIE No one's going to get suspicious. As long as you're Pierre Fromage, you've got the run of the place. BEANS But what if they expect me to cook? FRANKIE Well, just throw something together. Who's going to know the difference? (LIGHTS OUT.) END OF SCENE

19 ACT I SCENE 2 LIGHTS UP in the DINING ROOM. GINGER sets the water glass, napkin and silverware on a table where BORIS has already put the ketchup bottle. HUMPHREY stands at his little podium facing the front door. CECIL ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, carrying a little notebook. HUMPHREY May I help you, sir? CECIL Yes. I'd like a table, please. HUMPHREY I'm sorry, sir, but the furniture store is next door. CECIL You don't understand. I don't want to buy a table. I want to sit at a table. You know, for dinner? HUMPHREY Really? CECIL You seem surprised. HUMPHREY Well, of course. No one's ever eaten here before. CECIL Never? HUMPHREY Not unless you count the mice. CECIL You have mice? HUMPHREY Not anymore. After they got a taste of the food, they left. CECIL About my table... HUMPHREY Do you have a reservation, sir? CECIL What do I need a reservation for? The restaurant is completely empty.

20 HUMPHREY If you would be so good as to humor me, sir. You have no idea how dreary it is standing behind this little podium, night after night, waiting for someone to come in... CECIL Please, I just want to sit down. HUMPHREY ...hoping against hope that someday someone would give me their name so that I could write it down on my list here and no longer drift though life, aimless, rudderless— CECIL All right! All right! HUMPHREY You'll give me your name? CECIL Yes, of course. Just please stop talking so much. HUMPHREY You have no idea how happy you've made me. CECIL No, but I'm starting to get a rather repulsive picture of it. HUMPHREY And what is your name, sir? CECIL Just put me down as Mr. X. HUMPHREY Very good, sir. And how do you spell that? CECIL M-i-s— HUMPHREY No, no. I mean the X part. CECIL Just draw two little lines that cross in the middle. (HUMPHREY does.) HUMPHREY Now would you please come back in again? CECIL What? HUMPHREY Well, it's not a real reservation unless you make it ahead of time.

21 CECIL But I'm already here! HUMPHREY Sorry, sir. I don't make the rules. CECIL Oh, for heaven's sake! HUMPHREY You're making my poor sickly mother very happy! (CECIL EXITS DOWN RIGHT and immediately ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.) HUMPHREY Greetings, sir. And how may I help you this evening? CECIL I'd like a table, please. HUMPHREY And what is your name? CECIL Mr. X. HUMPHREY I'm sorry, sir, but your reservation was for 7 o'clock. It's 7:01 now. CECIL Ahhhhh! (Seeing CECIL, BORIS hurries over.) BORIS Is there a problem, Humphrey? HUMPHREY Yes. This customer missed his reservation. (BORIS drags HUMPHREY away from the podium so he can talk to him in private.) BORIS You do realize who this is, don't you? HUMPHREY Yes. It's... (Looks at his list.) Mr. X. BORIS No. It's Cecil Blueblood, the restaurant critic.

22 HUMPHREY Are you sure? BORIS Quite sure. HUMPHREY Then why did he give his name as Mr. X? BORIS Because he can't let anyone know he's here to review our restaurant. But you can bet your last ruble that man's name is Cecil Blueblood. HUMPHREY That's too bad. BORIS What do you mean? HUMPHREY I don't have a reservation for a Mr. Blueblood. (Giving up, BORIS escorts CECIL to the table with the ketchup bottle.) BORIS I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to excuse him. CECIL Why? Is this his first day on the job? BORIS No, it's his last. (LIGHTS OUT.) END OF SAMPLE