Praise for the original run of Nobody Makes It Out Alive I love how accessible these stories are. You include enough information to make the gamers in the audience feel special, but not so much that nongamers are totally lost. — Dither

LOL! You bastard... the suspense. It's like watching an episode of 24 with the mother trucking commercial breaks. -- Nick Salai

A good read indeed. It reminds me of the two first movies of the gamers trilogy from ZombieOrpheus & DeadGentleman. A nice story. Please, give us moar! — Unknown

Keep it coming, Charles. — Roman Dunduk

This has been absolutely fascinating so far. It's like, like, watching a documentary about how another culture lives their lives. I am horrified and mesmerized all at the same time. - Barking Alien

. . . It's got real bite, but in a gut busting hilarious sort of way . . . — Murky Master

No dead hookers! I don't know if I should be disappointed! xD --Dither

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NOBODY MAKES IT OUT ALIVE BY CHARLES AKINS

A DYVERS PRESS BOOK | UNITED STATES 3

NOTE: If you paid money for this copy of Nobody Makes It Out Alive then you should immediately ask for a refund. This PDF was released free of charge into the wilds of the internet. NOBODY MAKES IT OUT ALIVE Copyright © 2014 by Charles Akins All rights reserved A Dyvers Press Book Published by Charles Akins United States of America www.dyverscampaign.blogspot.com First Edition: April 2015

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

“Tell me again what he said to Kid Icarus,” I said as I took a sip from my Long Island Iced Tea. "According to Kid Icarus he said that there wasn't a single group of players in the county who could make it past the first level of this dungeon of his," Poot said as he picked a bit of tortilla chip from in-between his teeth. "Seems Little E has come to the conclusion that there isn't a man in this county with two nuts between his legs." “Was he baiting us, or did he really think Kid Icarus wouldn't spread that garbage?” "Does it really matter?" “I suppose not. Who all are we bringing in for this cluster?” "Icarus is down for the game; said he's already working up a Druid. I'm thinking about rolling with a Barbarian. You?" “I'll fill in the gap after we've got everyone else sorted out.” "Fair enough. I'm thinking Step-up will come along." “There's our Rogue.” "I know, right? Who else is available?" “Let's see. Biggboy's available and so is Little Boy.” "Little Boy is out." “Why?” "He's in his own little world of pain and self-importance right now." I took another sip of my Long Island Iced Tea and listened as Poot started telling me about an altercation that involved the police and a flight out of town in the trunk of a car. It was assumed that he would be back in a few weeks but until then he was busy trying to drink his life away across the state line. All things considered it was probably for the best. “That means we definitely need Biggboy to play or we'll be going in with a four man team.” "I know that you don't like him, but what if we brought Neverwas along for the ride," Poot said as a pretty blonde waved at him from the bar. “Seriously? “ "He swears that he's been working on how to play and that he's got everything together" The idea of playing with that son of a bitch again sat poorly on my stomach, but who else could we ask? His Majesty, the Queen, was off visiting a college out west. The Princess was in finals. Right, Right was working evenings for the next two months. There just weren’t any other options. “Fine, make the call - but just know that when he steps over the line I'm letting Step-up off his chain.” Poot gave a little smirk, "Actually," he said, "I'm counting on Step-up to end his world." Twenty minutes, and four Long Island Iced Teas later, we had our group ready for Little E's big adventure. Biggboy was playing a Barbarian. Step-up had his Rogue. Neverwas would be playing a wizard. Kid Icarus had come up with a Subterranean Druid build he wanted to test out. Poot had elected to play a Fighter, and I was going to be rolling a Cleric. With the group sorted out it was time for me to call Little E and pick a fight. I dialed the number Poot fed me and waited for Little E to answer while two drunken hippies started strumming their guitars along to a half-forgotten Jimmy Buffett song about a broken flip-flop. "Hello," Little E answered.

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

“E, it's Charlie. I hear you've got an adventure where no one can make it past the first level.” "I don't know where you heard that, Charlie." he said sounding like a four year old child trying to get out of trouble. “Let's not bullshit each other here, E. We both know that you've been running your mouth and talking out the side of your neck for anyone who can hear. What's the dungeon?” A long sigh, and then, "It's the World's Largest Dungeon and I've been running it for the last six weeks and no one's made it past the sixth room." “That cake walk? Are you running it as it was written or off the cuff?” "As written. Listen, Charlie, it's a killer dungeon and even your bullshit wouldn't make it more than three rooms." “Is that a challenge?” "You know what? Yeah, yeah it is. You and whatever bullshit group you can cobble together wouldn't make it past the third room." “Fifty dollars says we make it through the third room without a single player death.” "You couldn't make it out of the first room without killing one of your own players." “And you couldn't find your dick with both hands and a microscope. Do we have a bet or not?” "You're on, we start tomorrow at five." “The fuck we do. We start at eight.” "Eight then, and bring your money 'cause this is going to hurt and I want that cash as soon as you die," he said before hanging up. I sat the phone down and ordered another refill. “We've got a game.” The next day began with a major equipment failure at work, four hours of fighting with one of our suppliers on the phone, and me skipping breakfast and lunch. Suffice it to say that when I joined everyone at the local China Hut for dinner at five I was in a dark mood fit for the evening's task. Poot was already lining things up with his effortless charm that could get a nun to eat a lemon through a fence post. "We're looking at an uphill climb tonight," he was telling them as I started munching on my General Tso's. "Little E's been running his mouth off and Charlie had to pick this fight to get us invited to play." "You guys weren't already invited?" Neverwas interjected. "No, they weren't," answered Kid Icarus. "Little E's been trying to control who comes into the game by allowing most everyone but you guys to play." "Why wouldn't he want us to play," Biggboy asked. “Because we don't play the game right.” They all looked at me after I said it, as though in staring at me they could make it untrue. “Listen, most everyone at this table - except for Icarus and Neverwas - has played in one of his games in the past and scrambled everything. Poot killed four of his prized NPCs, Step-up never dies, and Biggboy threatened to break his neck after he took liberties with his character.” "What did he do to your character?" Neverwas asked. "He tried to rape him while he was sleeping," growled Biggboy. “The point is,” I broke in, “that we don't play the way he wants. We kill his princesses, loot his treasure hordes, and rescue the dragons. He doesn't know how to deal with people who play like that.”

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

"That's not how I play," Neverwas opined. "If you guys would stop screwing around he might want to play with you more often." "Fuck him," said Step-up. "He's a recidivist looking for the next piece of underaged tail who'll part her legs for him. I'm not playing by his rules and if it wasn't for Poot and Charlie asking me to join I wouldn't be playing in this bullshit now." "Which brings me back to the point of this pre-game meeting," Poot broke in, "we need a strategy to deal with what's coming. He doesn't like most of us, is scared of some of us, and likely wants to end this game as fast as possible. How do we turn that on its head?" "From what I've seen and all the reports I’ve been hearing," Kid Icarus said, "it looks like all he's throwing are Darkmantles and stirges." “That doesn't seem like the sort of monsters that should be killing everything that enters that dungeon?” "I got it from Baby Momma," Poot confirmed. "According to her there weren't any traps in the first two rooms but room three had a trap." “How many were playing in her group?” "Sixteen." “What?” Everyone was staring at him. "She was one of sixteen and everyone had lost their first character by the time they had made it to room four. They had a TPK in room six and stopped at that point." "Six rooms and a TPK," Step-up muttered. "With just darkmantles and stirges? If he's running it by the book like he claims it doesn't make sense." "Templates," Kid Icarus said, "he's using templates. I got a look at the book while they were playing last night and he's using a Fiendish template to make them more dangerous." “What do we know about the Fiendish template?” "Not really much too it," Icarus responded, "they're resistant to cold and fire. Oh, and they get a smite good ability." "Then we'll play evil," Poot boomed! “He'll just change them to Celestial. No, the key is for us to be Neutral on the Good / Evil axis with a full range on the Law / Chaos side of things.” "Fair enough," said Poot. "How's our mix of races?" "Human," said Kid Icarus. "Same," answered Step-up. "I'm playing a Halfling," Neverwas announced, "I thought about going with a gnome, but they're really just a bad idea in every way." "I'm playing a Gnome Fighter and you can choke on my tiny, gnomish dick," Poot countered. "Just ask and my Half-orc Barb will hold that bitch down," chimed in Biggboy. “Human,” I said. "Looks like we've got enough of a mix that we won't get stopped by any of those racial specific attacks," Poot continued. "You don't think he'll try to pull that shit with us, do you?" Neverwas asked. "Maybe not this early, but the goal is to make it through the first level. That means he'll be pulling it on us. He's done it in every campaign I've ever played with him." "That bitch." "So how are we going to ensure we've got enough light," Step-up interjected.

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

“My guess is that he'll have light sources present in there,” I said, “but it wouldn't surprise me if he didn't. My plan is to pick up a hireling and load him with a lantern and enough oil to make him blow up like the Fourth of July.” "I don't think he allows hirelings," Neverwas broke in, "I certainly never do." “And that's reason 1,276 that you're a terrible Dungeon Master.” "Like you've got that many reasons!" “I do. I've got a notebook filled with reasons why you suck. I've also got one that I use to keep track of every time you tell a lie.” "The fuck you do." “You're right.” "I thought so." “I've got three of them.” "Guys," Poot broke in, "let's keep it civil. We need to make it through door number three without anyone dying to win the bet." "What bet?" Neverwas asked. “The one where he said that it would be a cold day in hell before any team we were on would make it past the third room.” That got their attention. "What do you mean any team we were on?" Step-up asked. “When I called him last night to arrange the game he said that none of us - me, you Poot, Kid Icarus, Biggboy, Neverwas - none of us could make it past room three. So I made a bet that we would.” "How much," Kid Icarus asked. “Fifty dollars.” "Were you drunk," asked Biggboy. “Only slightly.” "Seriously, dude, you know rocks fall everyone dies isn't just something that happens on the internet," he continued. "There's no way you're going to keep him from doing that. Look, I'm all for fucking up his world but if you've got a plan to stop that from happening I'd love to hear it." “I've got an impartial judge lined up.” The silence stretched for a full minute as they digested the idea. Then Poot broke it. "Who wants to piss on him more than us?" “Rudy.” "Alright then," Poot said as he weighed imaginary scales in his mind’s eye, "we've got a shot. Now about that light problem, I think I've got a solution. "If we're going to be able to see when this fucker pulls out the stops then we're going to need an alternative to magical light/ I'm thinking that we need to make sure that everyone has a hooded lantern and 20 pints of oil." I leaned in close to Poot, “Don't take this wrong, but I've got to use my space for something else.” "What?" “Ju-ju cans.” "Ju-ju cans? What the hell are ju-ju cans?" “Low grade napalm. Sugar, oil and a clay jug with an oily rag for a fuse. This is the stuff that nightmares are made of and I aim to haunt his dreams.” "How many are you making?" “Four. I don't think I can get away with any more. Icarus has the book where I can buy the sugar so I'm set. If Little E balks on the hireling I'll work him.”

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

"Alright," he whispered back to me, then at full volume, "Charlie's out of this equation so the rest of us are going to have to carry four extra to help cover that load. He's going to shoot for the hireling and if that works we'll push more oil in his pack." "You know E's just going to have him bolt on us," Neverwas helpfully chimed in, "I know I sure as fuck would." “How about you let me worry about that.” "Just trying to be helpful." “Yeah, well you're about as helpful as a bullet to the back of the head.” "Kids, kids," Step-up said with a shake of his head, "let's focus on the task at hand. Worrying about the shit that might happen will only make the outcome more dreadful. Besides, if the hireling balks we'll light him up and use him as a human torch" "Right," Poot said. "Does everyone have their equipment written down? Be sure and keep track of your weights, you know that bastard's going to check. Alright, last order before we head over: who's going to tie break. Neverwas after last time you don't get a vote and you're out of the running for tie breaker so don't even think about it." “I was thinking Step-up. He always survives and living is the goal.” "I don't want it," Step-up said. "The goal may be to live but I'd rather focus on my own ass if it's all the same. Besides, when you tie break you can't vote when we're down there - and I need that vote." "How about Kid Icarus," Biggboy suggested. "He's always coming up with solutions to problems no one else has thought of before." "I'd rather have him in the active voting pull," Step-up responded. "No offense, Icarus, but when you're the tie break you tend to keep quite when we need to hear from you." "None taken," Kid Icarus said. "I just always feel like if you're going to be the tie breaker that you need to spend more time listening than talking. That way when you cast a vote you've heard everyone involved." “Fair enough but I'm with Step-up, we need you active. How about Poot?” "Are you sure?" Poot asked. “Yeah, you've been running this show since we made the call. I think we should stay with the hot hand. Anyone object?” I watched each of their faces as they nodded in agreement. Poot was always a good choice as tie break since he tended to think first and then act - always a good quality in a tie break. “Then that's settled. Poot's the tie break.” Now some of you reading this might wonder why we use a tie break when we've got six players involved in the game. As a group we run on a democratic system with each major decision being voted on. Neverwas was not allowed a vote because during our last campaign he attempted to rig an outcome and was caught. We forgave him being a cheating fuck, but we did not forget. By being elected the tie break Poot abstains from all votes unless there's a tie at which time he casts the final say. This method isn't for everyone but over the years it's kept us from having major incidents of infighting and has propelled us to victories that would have escaped the grasp of other groups. "Anyone have any last points to go over before we head to E's?" Poot asked. “Yeah, Little E loves to set up mental traps. He's known most of you guys for the better part of a decade so he knows your buttons. Watch for him to push them when we're in there and don't let this son of a bitch in your heads.” "Right then," Poot said, "let's go kick his teeth in."

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

We pulled up to Little E's place with five minutes to spare and made our way inside. Poot locked the door behind us and turned off the neon Open sign. "What are you doing," Little E balked. "I've got a business to run here." "Should have thought about that before you talked shit, shouldn't you," Poot countered. "Now zip up your pants and get to the table. It's time to play D&D" "You really think it's wise to be pissing on your Dungeon Master," E said in what he believed was a threatening tone. "Quit your posturing, I've got shit to kill," Biggboy said as he pointed at him. The table was set up in the side room behind E's register. Rudy was perched on a bar stool reading the World's Largest Dungeon and muttering to Thief 1 about kids these days not recognizing the brilliance of Second Edition and the real mega-dungeon that was Undermountain. "Whoa," Thief 1 said as we entered the room, "you're the guys he's supposed to be taking out tonight?" “Is that what he said?” Poot asked "Yeah. Mind if I watch?" “Sure, go wild and tell your family.” As Thief 1 disappeared down the hallway giggling into his phone we took our places at the table and started passing our character sheets down for Rudy to go over. Then the questions started. Where are you from? How do you guys know each other? What's your faiths? That last one had the whole table turn to me. “St. Cuthbert with a focus on that Cudgel and common sense. I'm the leader of this flock of missionaries,” I said as I looked at my notebook. "Sounds good to me," E said. “Right, as part of my duties I need to be proselytizing the word of St. Cuthbert to an initiate of the faith. I'd like to have a commoner for this.” "Whatever." “I'll call him Clevenger.” "His name's Al'kallith Ne'phthal." “I don't remember asking his name.” E glared at me so I decided to go for broke. “I'll be teaching novice Clevenger the glories of the faith. As such he'll be carrying two bags for me. One that holds the three holy books of St. Cuthbert and one that holds some minor items such as food and the like.” "What three holy books?" “The Cudgel by His Holiness Alexander of Macedonia, Common Sense by Tim F. Leery, and The Sexual Awakening of a Young Man in Dyvers by Anonymous.” "What the, " he began as I quickly cut him off. “They're totally legit. I can go get my copy of the Living Greyhawk Gazetteer if you'd like? They’re all in there.” "No, I just," he threw up his hands, "whatever. You're not going to live long enough for it to matter so that's fine." “Excellent. Rudy, have you made a call on the Ju-ju cans?” Rudy's face cracked a smile that cut his whole head in half. "Yeah. They're cool with me!" “Righteous. Let's get this show on the road.” Little E cleared his throat and began, "After traveling for weeks across the Yellowtail Mountains you find yourselves seeking shelter in the mouth of a cave. Lightning strikes all about the mountainside and thunder nearly deafens you. What do you do?"

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

“Ladies and Gentlemen," Poot boomed, "I do believe that we have officially entered into the funnel. Gird your loins and check your shit. I smell a battle coming for us." We busied ourselves prepping for the grinder before us. I readied Clevenger by hooking a lantern on his pole and lighting it. Weapons were drawn, shields readied, and Poot and I said the family motto: Kill the Girl, Save the Treasure, Loot the Dragon. With that we turned into the cave and began looking for trouble. "Looking down the cavern mouth," Little E intoned, "you find a narrow passageway that leads down to a worked stone floor." "I'll take point," Step-up announced, "I'm pulling out my collapsible pole and extending it all the way out so I can check for pit traps and I'm going to be checking the ceilings, walls, and floors thoroughly before we advance. Slow and steady progress is the call of the day." "Would you like to roll for each check individually or take 20?" "20, we're not in a hurry and we've got plenty of supplies." An hour of game time advanced with the breath it took to say this sentence out loud and we made it to the bottom where two featureless, iron doors greeted us. Stepup set a candle on his head, Biggboy guarded our back side, and we blew out the lantern as he began to examine the doors. Another hour and we opened them to find ourselves face to face with a blackness that no light could penetrate. Immediately Kid Icarus began whispering in Step-up's ear. They carried on their private conversation while Poot chucked some loose pebbles into the black morass and listened to the silence that seemed to eat up the room. "I'm going to step through," Step-up announced as Kid Icarus slid a note card to his right for Poot to read. "Give me a five count before you follow me through." With that he was gone. We all stared at Little E waiting for a description of what happened next but he pretended to be studying the book for all the answers to life important questions. Finally Kid Icarus announced he was going in, followed by Neverwas, Biggboy and Poot who handed me the note the rest of them had already read. It's not a variation on the sphere of annihilation. He's just fucking with us. Baby Momma sent word that it's just a magical lock that won't let us back through. I told Step-up already so he's going ahead to scout. – Icarus

"So," Little E said to me with a smirk on his face, "what are you going to do? Follow your buddies down the deep, dark hole? Or are you going to sit there with your thumb up your ass." “Oh, Clevenger and I are going in,” I said. “And that's one.” He looked at me with a curious expression but let it pass as he started reading the boxed text. "Your feeble torchlight seems to be getting swallowed up by the ever present gloom that seems to permeate the room. The room is damp and chilly. There are two, featureless, iron doors in the room. One is directly ahead and one is to your right. And somewhere out in the darkness you can hear a hacking cough." “Biggboy.”

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

"On it," and with that he took off sweeping the room from the far left to the right, using his darkvision to his advantage. It wasn't long before he called out, "Three orcs over here." We made our way over to the orcs while Step-up and Poot checked on the other two doors we could see and investigated the rest of the room. “Do you speak the King's English or are you bereft of common decency and only speak that mongrel orc tongue?” "Can speak fine," the largest of the three orcs said as he looked up at us, "not that it'll do you any good." “Biggboy, see if he isn't a bit more helpful if you speak your own people's tongue to him.” "Okay," Biggboy said as he looked at his character sheet. "Right, what the fuck's the deal bitch?" While Biggboy began his interrogation Kid Icarus leaned over to me and whispered, "Baby Momma didn't say anything about the orcs. Do you think he's flipping the script?" “No, my guess is that we went in through a different entrance. Pass the word to be on the lookout for anything odd.” "Yep." "Charlie," Biggboy said, "these fuckers aren't going to tell us anything. Seems they're convinced that whatever they've been through is going to take us out soon enough. They've completely given up." “Given up have you?” "What's it matter to you? The end's coming and it doesn't matter where you go, it'll get you soon enough," the biggest of the three orcs said with a huff. “Ah, fair enough. Biggboy, Icarus, it seems that we have three orcs who would like us to leave them alone. What do you think, Neverwas?” "In times like these I find that SLEEP works best!" "Sleep works best?" Little E asked in a puzzled voice. “We've been working with him on his delivery. You should expect more bad puns throughout the night.” "I've got a list," Neverwas chimed in. “He has a two page list of ways to cast all of his spells. By the way, he did just cast Sleep.” "Oh," Little E said, "right. Well everyone in the area needs to make a save so -" "If you take a look at the board, Little E, you'll notice that I was angled just right so that only the orcs were in the line of fire." "So you were," he said as he rolled. "They failed." “Good. Biggboy and I will slit their throats while Kid Icarus and Neverwas go through their possessions.” "What's your alignment," Little E asked. “Lawful Neutral with a heavy emphasis on the Cudgel for all the heathen scum who might oppose my faith.” "Chaotic neutral," Biggboy answered. "I'm only here for the killing." The bodies were sorted out, looted, and left in the corner for the scavengers to take care of. After that we waited on Poot and Step-up to finish their explorations of the room, but thankfully we didn't have to wait long as they had been busy throughout our discussions with the orcs.

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

"There are six doors leading out of this room. One of them smells real bad. There are either a lot of dead bodies in there or it's filled with rotting zombies. Either way I'm not real excited to be exploring it. The one next to it has a trap on it. I didn't disarm it as we don't know what's there yet, but there's a sour smell coming from it. The third door was open and had bits of dried grass strewn all over the floor; real bad odor coming from the place. Last room had a closed door and nothing really to tell me what was behind it." "Which one do you favor," Neverwas asked. "I'm partial to the last room. It's a surprise and I'm always in favor of that. Besides, we can always come back to the trapped room when we're done. Nothing is coming in or out of it right now." “Sounds good to me.” As we made our way to the door Poot leaned over to whisper to me, "I think he must really be running this by the book." “Oh?” "Yeah," he whispered, "otherwise we should have seen something really deadly already." “Those darkmantles haven't shown up yet.” "But we came in a different way." “Maybe, maybe not. Either way that trick has worked without fail for him so far, so be ready for it. Shit! Did anyone remind Step-up to watch out for them?” "Step-up," Poot almost shouted. Step-up cut him off, "Relax, I know what I'm doing and what I'm looking for. Don't stress." With that he began to go down his process chain for dealing with doors. Is it trapped? What do I hear on the other side? Can I smell anything coming from the room? If I place my hand near the door do I feel a temperature change? Is there anything odd about the door frame? Does the entry way have any indention, rises, or other unexpected changes? We waited in silence as Little E answered each of his questions, and then as Step-up doubled up on points that might have been missed. Finally he seemed satisfied and announced, "We're clear to go through." "About fucking time," Neverwas growled out, "you'd have thought you were trying to build the damned thing with how long you took." "Okay, next time you check the door for traps." "I didn't," Neverwas began as I cut him off. “No, you didn't think,” I said before I focused my attention on Step, “and we can't afford for him to have him check for traps in the next two more rooms. Remember, we have to get through room three for me to win the bet and six more to go further than anyone else who's played here.” "You won't make it," Little E said, "you guys are already falling apart. So why don't you just go ahead and hand the money over so you guys can do what you do best: fuck off." “Biggboy.” "I'm kicking the door clean off its hinges. I have an eighteen strength; what do I need to roll?" The door exploded into the room as Biggboy rolled his first natural 20 of the night and we were greeted with a dead orc, his arm outstretched towards us and a door on our left. Step-up and Poot went to the door while Kid Icarus and Neverwas checked out the dead body. For my part I fell into a conversation with Biggboy. "This mother fucker is asking for me to kick his ass," he said to me under his breath.

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

“Don't let him get under your skin. He's just trying to get into your head and throw you off your game.” "Fuck him," Biggboy said as he rolled his knuckles. I couldn't help but feeling sorry for Little E as he sat there in his seat, comfortable in the idea that all of this was just gamesmanship, while Biggboy was genuinely getting agitated. Biggboy got his name not for being heavy or for being a tiny man that we mocked with this appellation. He got it because he could haul two man rocks out of a quarry by himself without breaking a sweat; and I can personally testify that he picked up my brother in one hand, and me in the other, and carried us into the house without so much as a second thought. The boy was incredibly stout and gentle of heart. So as I watched Little E pick at him I couldn't help but thinking that if he pushed Biggboy too far there wasn't a thing in the world that any of us could do to stop him from kicking E's teeth in. "The door's clean," Step-up announced. "The room beyond is quiet and I don't trust Little E's description. Something's in there waiting for us." "I never said," Little E began. "I don't trust your fucking description." "It didn't fill me with high hopes either," Poot confirmed. "I'm positive that we're about to run into a kill zone." "Could be stirges," Kid Icarus chimed in. “What makes you think it might be stirges?” "The body is riddled with puncture marks and it looks like his life has been drained out of him," Neverwas answered. "The only thing we can guess that would do that is the stirge. E's trying to throw us off with calling it 'vampire-like' but there's too many holes for a vampire." “Okay, so stirges. You didn't hear anything from the room that sounded like a buzzing or any such thing?” "No. It was 'quiet like death' according to Little E," Poot said. “Alright then. Are we ready for this?” "I'll recon," Step-up answered. "Are you going to be using the Ju-ju cans?" “Not if I can help it.” "Right then," Poot said, "I'll open the door." "I'll check what's beyond,” Step said, “Remember no one goes in until I give the all clear." We approached the door with me and Biggboy on the right, Neverwas and Kid Icarus ten feet back and directly in front of the door, and Poot holding the handle. It opened into our room so he would be falling back with it while Step-up started the investigation. Step-up held up his fingers, counted down. Three, two, and we were off. Step-up started going through his check and spotted it on the ceiling before we had even made our first misstep into the room. He pulled back to confer. "Definitely a darkmantle on the ceiling. How do we want to take this guy?" “I've got an idea. Biggboy would you mind heading back and grabbing us one of those orcs we just killed.” "On it." "What do you have in mind," Kid Icarus asked. “These things are hunters so they're looking for fresh prey, right?”

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

"Yeah." "Oh," Poot said, "I like it. Do you think it'll work?" “Only one way to find out.” Biggboy was back with the biggest dead orc slumped over his shoulder. "Alright now what?" We bent our heads together as Little E went to get a drink from the front. "What are you planning on doing," Rudy asked as soon as Little E was out the door. “Spoilers only ruin the fun, Rudy.” "Hey, I just thought that if I could help," he trailed off. “Thanks for the offer, but we've got this.” When Little E came back Thief 1, Thief 2 and Laughing Boy had joined him. It seems we were about to have an audience. "So what are you guys going to do," E asked. Biggboy ran towards the door with the orc on his shoulder and yelled, "Run, I'll hold them off," as he flung the corpse in. We mocked the sounds of combat as Little E looked at us with disbelief. "Did it attack the orc?" A roll, then, "The room with the darkmantle gets cloaked with a magical darkness and you can hear something crunching from within." “Excellent. Neverwas, if you please.” "Mind if I shine some LIGHT on this situation?" "Do you have to do that every time you cast a spell," Little E groaned. "Yes. Did the counterspell work?" "It did." “Good. Biggboy, Poot, rock this bitch.” We dispatched the darkmantle in a single round without any of us taking a point of damage and started to scour the room in hopes of finding something worth keeping. It was then that Neverwas earned his keep because while we were all busy searching for loot he was watching that northern doorway. "Guys," Neverwas called out, "something's coming this way, and it sounds hungry!" “What are we looking at?” I shouted back as I readied one of my Ju-ju cans. "Rat swarm," Poot called out. "Big fucking rat swarm." "They're coming fast," Neverwas shouted! “Watch out,” I called as I lit the fuse on Clevenger's lamp, “Ju-ju can on the way!” I launched the jug and struck the swarm in the center of the mass and before the conflagration could get closer Poot closed the door on them. “So, how much damage should I roll?” "I don't even know how to calculate it," Little E said in exasperation. "I mean, how much damage would a knock off version of napalm even do?" "I would rule it the same as alchemist fire," Rudy chimed in, "it's the closest corollary we've got without turning this whole thing into a farce." “It was a farce the minute we started betting on Dungeons and Dragons.” Little E just shook his head, "Fine. Roll 1d6 for damage and -" “Oh, hell no. If what I just threw was a single pint of Ju-ju then I'd agree, but we're talking about quite a bit more.” "More?" “A gallon.” "A gallon?"

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

“That's eight pints or 8d6 damage from that mother fucker, plus ongoing fire damage since the shit sticks to them and keeps burning, and burning, and burning.” "I can't believe Rudy okay'd this," Little E moaned. “Pick your enemies wisely and all that.” "How did you even know about that?" “When I was in college I had a tendency to not sleep for days at a time. So I would sneak into the library on campus after everyone else went to bed and explore the research shelves until I found something exciting and dangerous. Then I would trip the alarms and play hide and go seek with campus security as I raced out of the building and hid in the holly bushes.” "Wouldn't that hurt?" “Well, yeah, but no one expects a runner to leap into one of those bushes and hide voluntarily.” "And that's how you found about this?" “Oh, God no. I found about this shit on the internet.” Little E and Rudy starred at me from across the table and a long silence seemed to take over. I let it hang there for a few minutes and then cleared my throat. “Gentlemen, I do believe that we have just cleared our third room without any of us so much as taking a scratch.” "Wait," Little E began. "I do believe that you're right," Step-up confirmed. "But you haven't gone into the third room yet!" "Quite right," Poot said. "Step-up if you please." "On it." “Once we cross that threshold and enter room four I want my money,” I told Little E. as I stared him down. "I'll have to get your money in the morning," Little E began. “Wait,” I said, “you don't have the money you owe me right now?” "Isn't that interesting," Step-up commented. "You know," Poot said, "I seem to remember him telling you that you had to have the money ready when we got here." “Sounds about right to me.” "Listen, I didn't think you guys would get this far," Little E stammered. “Ah, so you made a bet you couldn't pay.” "No, I have the money. I just don't have it with me and -" “You squirm like a slug after you pour salt on it when you're welshing E.” "I'm not refusing to pay!" “Of course not.” "Don't be like that Charlie!" “Tell you what,” I said with a smile that never touched my eyes, “what if we changed the bet to something a bit more interesting?” "What did you have in mind," E asked with suspicion in his voice. “Let's double it.” "You want to bet a hundred dollars that you can make it where exactly?" “A hundred dollars,” I said as I laid the bills on the table, “says that we can make it further than any group you've run through this dungeon without a single player death.” "Look, you've gotten lucky so far, but we both know that it won't last."

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

“So you accept?” "I didn't say that." I picked up the money and slid it back into my wallet. “Hurry up and make up your mind. Accept and we keep playing. Refuse and we load up in the car and get my money from your ATM right now.” "I can't get the money out of the ATM, my wife wouldn't understand." "That's the problem with wives," Step-up said, "they never understand when you lose money you shouldn't have gambled." Little E glared at him from the end of the table. "Give E a break, guys," Kid Icarus chimed in, "after all he's been so forgiving when we've owed him money. Oh, wait. You haven't, have you?" "Icarus you know that I'm running a business here." "Yes you are," Poot said with a smile, "one that apparently involves you refusing to follow through on your obligations while the rest of us are supposed to pay in advance." “Nice racket if you can get into it.” "Now hold on," E demanded. "You're not being fair here." “That's the way things go when you refuse to pay a bet.” "I'm going to pay!" “Sure you are - just not when we agreed,” I said. Little E was beginning to look desperate. “Tell you what,” I said as I walked over and got the cordless, “why don't you call your wife and see if she'll bring you the money. Then we can get back to the game. Hell, we'll even give you some quite to talk to her in private.” "Smoke break," Poot asked. “Smoke break,” I said. As a group everyone scooted their chairs back and started walking out of the room. “I'll want either my money or a doubling of the bet when we get back.” We were standing out on the curb watching Little E throw things in his office. Poot was smoking camels and I was pretending to smoke an American Spirit while Biggboy told us about setting stone on the outside of his parents’ home when Rudy came out to join us. "He's fucking pissed." “That was the goal.” "You wanted to piss on the Dungeon Master," he said before bursting out with laughter. "You guys are fucking nuts." "He needs to learn a lesson," Neverwas said, "over the last few weeks he's gotten too big for his britches. He's telling anyone and everyone who will listen that he's the greatest Dungeon Master who ever lived and that he's more old school than everyone else combined." "Really," Rudy asked. "That son of a bitch never mentioned that in front of me." “That's because he didn't want you to know.” "So what's your plan?" “We're pushing his buttons so that I can break him. I'll keep raising the bet until I can clear everyone of their debts.” "Not mine," Step-up broke in, "he'll never get a dime from me." "Why?" “Best not to go down that road. Step-up's reason is righteous, but we need to be able to get through the night.” "Fair enough," Step-up said as he lit up another cigarette. "Just remember that mine stays my own."

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

I stood there watching the commotion inside. Little E was yelling at Best Girl while he called his wife and kept gesticulating towards us with what I felt were some rather derogatory words spewing forth. If we were going to be able to push further than anyone else it was going to have to be while we had him on his heels. “Poot,” I called, “I'm almost certain he's going to be bringing the pain when we go back in there.” "Really? What was your first clue?" I laughed, “Rudy, how long are you down for this mess?” "I can make it till ten, but after that I've got to head back to work." “Alright. Icarus, you've been listening to the other games what have we got ahead of us?” "More of the same, I think," Icarus said as he ran his hand along his chin. "The problem is that once we get past the sixth room we're going to be flying completely blind." “Not so different from normal. Okay,” I said as I pulled out my notebook, “we're going to be walking into a shit storm when we go back in there so we need to change our pair ups. Poot do you mind hanging next to Neverwas?” "Sure." “Okay, that should protect our Wizard. Biggboy if you don't mind hanging next to Icarus that should give him enough time to figure out how to get us out of the worst shit E can come up with.” "Cool with me." “Step, that's going to leave me trailing behind you. You okay with that?” "Sure darling," he said as he blew me a kiss, "just don't try to cop a feel." “Fair enough,” I said through a laugh. “Last thing we need to be aware of is the come back.” Poot looked over at Neverwas, "I think we should handle it." "Seems like Icarus and I should," Biggboy countered. "I've got more hp to give and Icarus can keep me alive long enough to give you guys time to save my ass." “Probably the better choice, Poot.” "Yeah, but if he hits us from behind I've got more armor." "True," Biggboy said, "but which of us is going to scare his ass more in real life." Poot looked at him for a second and shrugged, "Fair enough." “Right, last thing I want to talk about before we head back in,” I said making sure to meet each of their eyes, “what do you guys want on your pizza?” They all laughed as I took their orders and made the call. "Do you think we've pushed him far enough to go for broke," Poot asked. "Not yet," Neverwas answered. "If you're going to clear the slate he's going to need to feel like he doesn't have any other choice." "Then we're just going to have to push harder," Step-up said. "Watch yourselves, Best Girl is coming this way." As she walked out the door her cheeks were flushed and a new level of anger seemed to be dancing across her face. "You're a real piece of work, you know that Charlie." “I've no idea what you're talking about, Best Girl,” I said as I handed her a cigarette. “I'm just playing a game.” "Thanks," she said as I handed her the lighter too. "Well you've got him pissed off and the dumb bastard's been yelling at me like it's my fault that I took the night deposit in already." “Ah, the pains of being good at your job.”

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

"It's not even my job," she exploded. "I work a full time job before I come here!" “Obviously he thinks that sucking his dick isn't enough.” "Fuck you." “Such language,” I said in mock outrage. “My delicate virgin ears may just fall the fuck off.” She laughed and drew a long drag off the cigarette. "Seriously though, why did you have to push this so far?" I looked at her and cocked my head. “This isn't anything, Best Girl. We're about to push this game farther than you ever thought anyone would go.” "You're kidding me," she said as she ran her hands through her hair. "He's already losing his shit in there." “Did he call his wife?” "Yeah," she said with an icy tone that made me smile. “How'd that go?” "She told him to ask his whore." “I hope you told him that you're fine with sucking his dick but you're not giving him a dime.” She started laughing at me. "I told him I didn't have the money. We don't get paid for another week." "Really," Poot said, "you just loaned me a hundred dollars." "I know." "Do you need it back? "No," she said with a smile, "I just got paid yesterday." “You minx,” I said, “leave that tiny dicked bastard and come live with me. I'll let you pay my bills and ignore you far better than he ever could!” She laughed as Little E knocked on the glass to wave us in. “Looks like it's time to see how far we can push this. Everybody ready,” I asked as I looked at each of them. "Yeah," Step-up said, "let's go teach this fucker a new way to walk." “Gentlemen,” I said as I opened the door, “your deaths await you.” As they passed me Best Girl grabbed my arm and leaned in to my ear, "Can I talk to you for just a second." “Sure, boys I'll be in shortly.” "E's got something up his sleeve," she said after a short pause to make sure no one could hear her. "I think he's got someone in your group that's going to sabotage you." I looked at the group as they made their way into the back room. “You do, do you?” "Charlie, he's been losing his shit because things weren't going according to the plan." I watched her as she ran her hands through her auburn hair, "After you called he went into the computer room and talked to Neverwas for an hour before he met you guys for dinner." “Ah,” I said with a smile, “I thought that he might.” "You mean you knew already?" “Oh no,” I said, “I was counting on him to try and flip someone.” She shook her head, "Do you know why he didn't flip though?" I smiled as I walked in the door and said, “Because Biggboy would have ripped his arms off and shoved them up his ass.” She laughed as we made our way back into the room and I took my seat at the table. “So what's the deal E?” "I don't have the cash on me. Best Girl took the deposit in early."

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

“That's not good.” "No, it's not. So I was wondering if you'd be willing to trade to cover the bet." “What did you have in mind?” "What if I offer a Magic the Gathering Booster Box up for my end of things." I gave him a hard stare and then turned my head to whisper to Poot only to catch Icarus' eye. He wanted that box. “Okay boys,” I said, “somebody tell me if this is an equal deal.” "I'd take it," Icarus said “Is it worth the money though?” "If you broke all the packs and sold the individual cards on ebay you'd probably come out ahead by the end." “Fuck that noise.” "Or," Poot said as he placed his hand on my arm, "you could give it to us and we could run a draft." “You guys cool with that, I asked the table.” "Oh, yeah," Icarus said. "Fuck yes," Neverwas exclaimed! "I don't play," Biggboy said, "but I'm not here to play cards. Just give it to them and call it even." "I want in on the cards," Step-up said. "Me too," Poot said. “Fair enough. Alright E, we'll do this raise.” "Excellent," he said with a smile that reminded me too much of a cat looking at a cage filled with mice. "Then let's get a move on. When we stopped you had thrown the ju-ju can on the fiendish rat swarm and closed them in the next room while you guys waited for them to burn up. After about thirty-minutes the last of the pained squeals stops and only silence can be heard from the room." “Step-up.” "On it," he answered as Icarus and Neverwas talked about the box of cards. "I've got a feeling," Poot whispered in my ear, "that something's going to be coming for us." “Oh?” "He wouldn't have made that bet if he didn't think that he would be able to take us out," he said as he looked at Neverwas. "I think he's made a move." “You think we're compromised?” "It's a distinct possibility." “When would he have had the chance?” "I don't know but he's got to have something up his sleeve." “He could be running a dynamic dungeon on us.” "A what?" I smiled at him, “It's where all the creatures in your dungeon move according to the noise and actions of your players instead of being static in the rooms you encounter.” "Oh? Now that would,” Poot started to say when his eyes went wide and he grabbed my arm “Step-up,” we practically shouted. “Don't open that door!” "Why?"

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

“Let's just call it a feeling I've got for right now.” I answered, “Icarus is there some way that you can block that door so no one can make it through?” "I think so," he said as he began to dig through his equipment and pulled out a crowbar, sledge, pitons, and a caltrop. "Okay, I've got enough here to create a drop bar lock." “Good deal,” I said as I pulled out my sledge hammer, “Biggboy, let's see what's behind that wall on our right.” "Why there?" “Because it's caddy cornered to the door he wants us to go through.” "You're going to knock down the wall rather than open the door," E asked with mild amusement playing across his face. "You bet your fucking ass," Biggboy said. “Okay, let's figure out what we're doing before he starts swinging that hammer,” I said. "I'll watch the way we came in," said Poot. "I'll hang near Biggboy," Neverwas said, "with a flare spell ready." "I'll hang near the door we've locked and keep a listen for anyone trying to break it down," Step-up said. "I'm going to hang with Biggboy too," Kid Icarus said, "I'm going to have an entangle spell ready. That'll give us time to regroup if we have to." “Good idea. I'll switch out with Biggboy every three hits to keep either of us from becoming fatigued.” "Do you guys really want to do this," E said, "I mean the door is right there." “He makes a good point,” I said as I looked at Poot. “You know what that means.” "Of course," Poot answered and let the silence hang. "What," E demanded, "what does it mean?" “It means we're going through that fucking wall.” We pounded on the wall for a half-hour in the game and broke through to a large L shaped room. "Well," E asked as we sat there in silence, "are you guys going through?" “Fuck no,” I said as Step-up removed the crowbar. “We're heading north.” "But why did you waste all that time?" "Because if that ju-ju can got their attention then that breakthrough would draw them over there faster than you can lie," Step-up said. “Which means we need to move,” I said with a laugh. We slid into the room and Step-up began checking out the next doorway while Poot called out for a quick check on spells and equipment. "I'm running a little bit low on anything useful but I'm okay for now," Neverwas answered. "Still full up," Icarus said as he began searching through the burnt remains of the Fiendish Rat Swarm. "Anyone else find it odd that everything in here has been described with fiendish features?" “I haven't used a spell yet, Poot. What do you mean, Icarus?” "Well think about it. The Darkmantles had horns and red glowing eyes. E slipped and outright told us the rats were." “The orcs weren't.” "No," Biggboy said, "they weren't, but I'm thinking Icarus might well be onto something there." “Should I start blessing our water?”

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

dead."

"Wouldn't work," Icarus said. "Holy water only affects evil outsiders and un-

“Fair enough. So how does this fiendish thing get transmitted,” I asked. "Sex?" Poot whispered in a worried tone. "I don't think so," Icarus said. "Excellent," Poot boomed, "that means that we don't have to watch Biggboy around the sheep!" "Hey, fuck you man," Biggboy laughed. "Are we here to crack jokes or play D&D," Little E broke in. “Aren't we a in a foul mood,” I said with mock hurt in my voice. "I would be too if I was about to lose a hundred dollars," Step-up said, "by the way, the doorway is cleared and so's the first ten feet out. We've got a hallway running east and west. To the east it widens out and heads back south. To the west it stays narrow and heads north. Lots of doors out there." “Icarus, you got any thoughts.” "Um," he said as he cupped his chin in his hands, "I'm feeling like the northwest is our best bet." "Why do you think so," E said with suspicion in his voice. "It doesn't really matter," Poot said, "we're going southeast." "But you just asked Icarus which way he wanted to go," E stammered. “Of course we did.” "And now we're going the opposite direction," Biggboy said as Icarus laughed. We rounded the hall and found a door to our north and a great big hall to our south. "How's the air down here," Biggboy asked E as we began to cautiously explore the room. "It's clear with a light odor of ozone," E answered. “Step-up,” I called out of reflex, “did you hear that?” "Yep, I'm on it." Step-up, Clevenger, and I made our way through the room, him in front and me a good ten feet behind with a readied healing spell and Clevenger on my heels. It was slow going and I found myself constantly wondering where the monsters were. We had made a lot of noise and nothing had come to investigate. Were they sneaking up on us from the north? Poot and Icarus were watching the approach from the way we had come while Biggboy and Neverwas kept an eye on that northern door. Where were they? "The room's clear," Step-up announced after he had found a door in the south and checked it. "Grab all your shit and let's move in." “I don't like this,” I whispered to Poot, “he's got enough money riding on this where he should be actively trying to kill us and we're about to hit our fifth room without so much as a serious threat.” "It's freaking me out too," he said in hushed tones, "I don't think that you should raise the bet anymore." “You're smelling that rat too, eh?” "It's too easy and I keep catching him smiling when he thinks we're not watching." “Yeah, I noticed that earlier.” "What are you two doing down there," E broke in. "Trying to figure out why Best Girl still fucks you," Poot said with a smile. "It's not easy," she said from the doorway, "but then he's got a small dick so it's not like I really feel it."

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

“That one hurt,” I said as I watch E's mouth drop open, “but not nearly so bad as when she tells you how many dicks she's seen that are bigger.” She held up seven fingers and bit her lip as Rudy fell off his stool laughing. “I'm telling you, Poot, when she leaves this piece of shit behind I'm going to make her an honest woman.” "You think you're man enough for that, Charlie," she said with a wicked smile. “Fuck no, but after what you've had your expectations have got to be low enough that it won't matter.” "Enough of this," E practically barked. "what are you two doing." "Following Step-up's lead of course," Poot replied with a little bow towards our master thief which drew attention to the man himself. "Well," E growled, "what are you doing?" "We're going into the room," Step-up said as he leaned towards Little E, "and if you don't take that base out of your voice I'm going to be using your nut sack to carry my dice." E waved him off as he described the room to us, "There's a table, stool and bed in good condition at the far end of the room. In the center six wooden stools encircle a pile of dirt on the floor. On the table lays a skull and a backscratcher made out of some form of bone. To the east there is an open door that had it been closed would never have been found. To the west some assholes seem to have broken down a section of the wall." “Ah, that's what I like. We walk into a room and the secret door is already open and there isn't a soul in sight. Step?” "On it," Step-up called as he went through the progression inspecting the room foot by foot as I shadowed him. We were going methodically through each room expecting to find the traps that we'd been warned about but it was becoming clear to all of us that we must be on a different track than everyone else who had died in the early rooms. "You just found another secret door," E announced as Step-up rolled a 23 Search check. "What are you going to do?" "I'm marking it with chalk and finishing checking the rest of the room," Step-up said as I examined the backscratcher that was made of a Lizardman's spine. "Do you want that backscratcher," Icarus asked me, "I think I could use it if you don't want it." “It's yours, sir. Do you want the Kobold skull too or should we leave it?” "I'll take it." “Fair enough. Poot,” I called, “you've been keeping track of our oil usage?” "I have." “How long have we been down here?” "Seven and a half hours." “One more room and we'll lock ourselves up for a night's rest to replenish spells, spirits, and our bodies.” "You're keeping track of your time being active?" “Yeah, we figured that before you could punish us with a Fatigued status because we'd gone too long without rest that we would track it ourselves.” "You guys have thought this out pretty well haven't you," he said with a smirk. “You might say that,” I said as I began to work my way through our checklists. Supply levels, equipment checks, spells remaining, and then I caught it. A little look between them and I knew. I knew who the rat was and I couldn't believe he would do it. I stared at them as they sat next to each other attempting not to look like they had just come to a conclusion and numbly tried to figure out how I was going to win the bet.

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

From the beginning the odds had been against us but I had come up with a brilliant idea to prevent Little E dropping the house down on us in a single moment that would end everything in a heartbeat. I had brought him in. He was supposed to be an impartial arbitrator to prevent some heavy handed tactic from Little E. “God damn it Rudy,” I said under my breath, “how could you take his side?” "What's that?" Poot asked me. “We're boned.” "What are you talking about," Poot asked me with a touch of bewilderment in his voice, "we brought him in to keep things fair." “E's gotten to him.” "Are you sure?" “Does the Pope shit in the woods?” "That's not how that goes." “Irregardless.” "That's not a word." “Are you just fucking with me now or are we going to figure out how to deal with this?” "What makes you so sure he's working with E? If anyone were to turn I'd put my money on Neverwas." I stared at Poot as he attempted to look nonplussed while the rest of the group continued to examine the contents of the room. At first they were talking and then slowly all the conversation in the room stopped as we continued to stare at each other. We had done this for years when one of us was right and the other refused to accept the truth. Just staring and waiting until finally, "Fine, god-damn it," he said. "But if you're wrong there's going to be hell to pay." “I know,” I said as I gestured for a time-out, “time out E.” "Time out," he said with mild amusement, "there are no time outs in Dungeons and Dragons." “Yeah and Best Girl cums every time you two bounce in the sack. We're taking a fifteen minute break and then we'll be back.” "If you step outside then I'm declaring that you've forfeited the bet and -" “And I'll break every fucking bone in your neck you dumb son of a bitch. We'll be back, the game will continue, and you won't attempt any sort of cheap shit while I'm gone,” I said as he stared at me with eyes as big as saucers. "It's just a game, Charlie," he stammered. “It's just a game as long as you don't try to cheat and rob me.” "Okay," he said as he held his hands up, "I was just trying a little bit of gamesmanship is all." "Wrong move," Biggboy said as he pulled out a cigarette. We made our way outside and as we walked out into the cool evening air I noticed that Poot was already holding court. "Listen up, Charlie thinks we're boned and I'm almost certain he's right." "What's going on," Step-up asked. "Everything's been going perfect so far." “Rudy's flipped on us.” They all stared at me. "Are you sure, Charlie," Icarus asked. "You brought him in to keep E honest and he's been doing fine so far."

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“I was watching them as we were checking on our supplies and spell levels. E's been showing him locations in the book all night and he keeps waving him off. Until we were all distracted there.” "Seriously?" “Whatever E has up his sleeve he just got the okay from Rudy to drop it on us.” "It's bound to be a trap," Step-up said as he lit up another cigarette. "We haven't had one all night and that was the one thing that everyone warned us about before we came in." “That's what I'm figuring too.” "He'll be looking for a low roll," Poot said. "It's the only way that he can make it seem legit." “Not much we can do about a low roll.” "He could," Icarus began and trailed off. “What?” "He could be luring us into a funnel. I've seen him do it before when I was playing in another of his games. He let us get deeper, and deeper until we couldn't get away and then he swarmed us. None of us made it out." "Fuck," Neverwas said as he ripped off his hat. "I had forgotten about him doing that. Between the trap and the funnel we're fucked." "None of us went into this game thinking that we'd be able to make it all the way through," Poot said, "so let's not be getting upset about a TPK now." “Right enough. Look, what room are we on?” Poot pulled out his notebook and started counting, "Six." “Are you sure?” "We're on the sixth room." We all stared at him as he recounted. "Sure as shit, we're on the sixth room." "So we've won," Neverwas asked? “One more room,” I said as the turned towards me. “We've got to go one more room. The bet was that we could go further than anyone else and six only ties. Seven beats.” "So whatever's coming will be behind whichever door we choose," Step-up said. "I can take 20 on the check so it's got to be the funnel." “Right,” I said, “so that means we have to make it through to room eight or we've lost. New marching order. Step in front followed by me, Biggboy, Neverwas, Icarus, and Poot at the rear. Clevenger will be behind me. Remember we just have to make it through the next room and we've won. Poot smiled as he asked, “Are you guys ready to die?” We walked back to the table and sat down without a word as E watched us with a grin. "So did your time out help you guys out or do you want to go ahead and give up now?" “Step.” "I'm taking twenty and checking out the open secret doorway and as much of the hallway as I can." "There doesn't appear to be any traps." "Okay then," Step-up said, "Let's go into room seven." We made our way down the hallway as Step took his time checking each and every inch along the way for the trap we all hoped could be avoided. As we reached the end of the hallway and the cast iron doors with dried blood covering the walls Poot gave the warning we knew would be coming, "Guys, we've got company coming this way and they ain't happy."

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

“Step, take your time and get it right,” I said as Biggboy and I joined Poot at the back of room. “We'll buy you all the time you need to take care of that door.” "With all the combat going on it will take you half an hour to disarm that door," E said with a smirk. "Horseshit," Neverwas barked. "Rudy do you stand by that call?" "I've no problem with it," he said as Neverwas stared daggers through him. "I'll remember that," Neverwas said. “Can't be helped at this point,” I said as I moved behind Poot and readied my ju -ju can. “When I tell you to duck, Poot.” "Got it!" They came around the corner, a mob of bodies with red eyes and blood soaked hands. I counted their steps and threw the first can into their forward ranks as they came within fifteen feet. "They don't seem to be stopping," E said with an evil glint in his eyes. “Good god-damn it,” I practically shouted back, “I'd hate to think that this might be too easy!” I threw the last ju-ju can into their back ranks and readied my long spear as Poot and Biggboy met the first ranks. "Charlie," Step-up called as it came back to his initiative, "I think I can make the roll." "Then go for it," Poot said, "I'd rather die a winner than two steps shy!" Step-up threw the dice and we all watched as it bounced across the table and spun in front of Poot. "What is it," Step asked. Poot picked it up and tossed the speckled die back to Step, "A natural twenty." E looked like the wind had just been knocked out of his sails, "You've got the door unlocked and the trap disarmed." "I'm opening it!" "The room in front of you looks like a steep hillside with an incredibly high ceiling. Loose gravel and large, limestone boulders cover it." "I'm in!" Step-up shouted as he stood up and danced. "Room eight you son of a bitch!" As we made our way around the initiative order all of us made it backwards into room eight and managed to block the doorway. "Fuck that was fun," Poot said. "What's your armor class Poot?" E asked. "17, why?" "You've just been hit with a boulder dealing 45 points of damage." "I'm dead." “What the fuck just happened?” I asked. "A large Hill Giant stands at the top of the rise and hoists another boulder on his shoulder." “Right then, fuck this bitch,” I called out as we charged up the hill. “Step, can you get on his side? Biggboy and I are taking the front.” "On it!" Before we were able to drop the Hill Giant Neverwas, Icarus, Poot, and Biggboy had died. I was down to two hit points and Step was on his very last one. "You know," he said, "this seemed like a really great idea when we started this mess."

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Nobody Makes It Out Alive by Charles Akins

“I know, right?” I said as I began stuffing a rag into an oil pint. "The door bursts open as the Fiendish Orcs begin to charge up the hill." “Clevenger,” I said as I grabbed my acolyte, “it seems that the time has come to say goodbye.” With that I pushed him down the hill, face first, and watched as the orcs began to tear into him. “Fucking waste,” I said as I lit the fuse and threw the pint against Clevenger's back. “But it's a hell of a way to go out. “How much damage do I roll?” "How many flasks of oil did you have left in his backpack?" “Thirty-six.” E stared at me. "You had thirty-six bottles of oil in his backpack?" “Originally I had more. Why do you think we kept such good track of the time and our supply usage?” "The oil explodes taking all of the fiendish orcs out and I need a save from each of you to determine how much damage you take." We died on that hill side with each of us taking 56 points of damage. “That's alright,” I said, “give me the box of cards I just won.”

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