december 2017 - ISSUE 16
sh rt fuse Winter is coming.
nothing says “i just peed a little at that last icing call,” than the classic, hand-held coffee urn - the Big Tim. created solely for hockey and ringette tournaments, this monstrosity ensures moms and dads can maintain a state of constant agitation for an entire weekend.
Fun fact: every automobile in canada contains at least two snow brushes... the one with the crappy brush and the one with the broken scraper.
listen to your mother. wear a scarf. rock salt is great for keeping the driveway free of ice. it’s also handy for rimming giant margarita glasses.
ever wonder what a guaranteed trip to the chiropractor looks like? despite ergonomic innovations in handles, scoops, shapes and sizes, the snow shovel is still the leading cause of death in canada.
while ski-masks are warm and toasty, good luck riding a bus in Quebec with one of these festive faves on.
100 %f re e!
fuse approved winter prep kit!
ever wonder why light jackets don’t have inside pockets but winter coats do? humans have been warming themselves from the inside out and sterilizing bullet wounds for generations with flasks of hard liquor.
if you’ve never injured yourself by jumping a ramp on top of one of these bad boys, you need to build a bigger ramp.
only amateurs stop at four christmas albums. what’s your excuse, rita?
How about giving a non-gift this year? By angela mcinnes
Waking up to a pile of brightlywrapped gifts is easily any child’s favourite part of the holidays. But as we get older, the meaning of the season becomes more complex. This time of year calls both secular and non-secular groups to care for their communities and reflect on the importance of personal relationships. Instead of toys and trinkets, the gifts we give ought to show our appreciation and match the needs of the people around us.
Sometimes, this means thinking outside the bow-covered box. A non-gift gift will enrich the recipient’s life in the long term, and should be especially tailored to their unique tastes. A music lover, for instance, will enjoy front row tickets to see one of their favourite artists, while an avid reader will adore a year-long magazine subscription. The point is to make the gift more experiential than materialistic. Other examples of non-gift gifts you
could consider include: • • • • • • •
Season passes to a community theatre Donations made on behalf of recipient to their favourite charity Tickets to sports events Memberships to athletic clubs Taking recipient out on a Geocaching adventure Subscription to an “Of the Month Club” service, e.g., Coffee of the Month Pre-paid lessons in a new skill or, better yet –
•
Spending one-on-one quality time to teach some of your own skills
The recipient of a non-gift gift may be surprised by its unconventionality, but they’ll see in the long run how much thought went into its selection. By creating opportunities to foster relationships, or even rekindle them and start anew, non-gift gifts such as these can help us embrace the deeper meaning of the holiday season.
London Fuse 24 bathurst Street, London ON, N6b1n7, londonfuse.ca
december 2017 - ISSUE 16
INNER FUSE
Petty Gifts for Petty People
By Thomas Sayers
Gift giving can be a lot of fun, but it can also be the perfect tool for a less jolly emotion: REVENGE! Revenge for Debbie always drinking the last of the coffee without putting on a new pot... Revenge for Bryan always asking asinine questions at the end of a long meeting... We get it Bryan - you’re a go-getter. Now let’s wrap this up. This holiday season, go ahead and be petty. Give a gift that subtly puts that special someone in their place (but also tells them you appreciate them as a human). 1. A used book with way too many notes in the margins. ‘Tis the season for sharing the true
symbolism behind every sentence in The Great Gatsby by scribbling down your half-thoughts in the margins. To make this gift a true winner, find a dog-eared copy that only starts the highlighting extravaganza halfway through. Your frenemy will love your gift so much that they’ll have to suffer through the increasingly incomprehensible musings about theme and symbolism. 2. Designer deodorant This gift requires the most personal investment, and causes the most self-doubt. Are you trying to give them an expensive gift? Are you trying to subtly tell them you think they smell bad? There comes a price point where the lines between fancy fragrance and armpit-stick get oddly blurred.
It’s a mystery that’ll leave them puzzled for days. 3. A gift card with only $3.14 left on it. Gift cards are a bit of a cop-out already - they’re so perfectly low-effort. The best part of this gift card is that you get to treat yourself too – someone’s got to whittle down that $10, right? Imagine the moment when they try to cover a mocha-latte with your gift card but discover they’ll have to pay real cash for it. Truly diabolical. 4. A hand-made card filled with glitter. The fact that you didn’t go to the hallmark of corporate Christmas card stores says that you really care about someone. The glitter says you don’t respect
them or any item of personal property they’ll ever own. The best part is that glitter is just so innocent in theory – it’s just sparkly bits of… plastic? But in practice, it gets into nooks and crannies you never knew existed. 5. A holiday music cassette tape. The vinyl craze is in full swing. But it’s hard to feel cool with that Santa Claus is Canadian LP when everyone and their grandmother has one. Why not co-opt a more archaic technology? You’re ensuring a trudge through their basement for that elusive tape player by bestowing your frenemy with a cool new cassette. With these petty, petty ideas in mind, go forth into the world and bestow your gifts unto those who deserve it.
Comfort foods you can only get in London By nicole borland
It’s that time of year, the snow’s starting to fall, waking up in the morning is a downright task, and you’d rather be a hibernating bear than go out. However, you know what can almost make any situation better without fail? Food. Simple as that. And in this instance particularly, let’s talk comfort food. Since winter is coming, we’ve catalogued some foolproof London comfort foods — selected for you by SHORT FUSE — that will definitely help make these coming months a bit brighter. 1 - Goulash at Chaucer’s Not only is the goulash one of the tastiest things on their menu, it’s also one of the most warming dishes in this whole city. Plus, that fireplace? Nothing says cozy like Chaucer’s and goulash. P.s. check out the late night menu, you can get goulash POUTINE. Yeah, it’s a thing. 2 - Deep fried pickles at The Root Cellar So much deliciousness. Seriously, so much!
This portion is gigantic. It looks as though they’ve breaded and deep fried an entire pickle, and we salute that. After all, what’s better than comfort food? Lots of it. 3 - Mozza sticks at Scot’s Corner I don’t quite know what it is they do in the Scot’s kitchen but whatever it is, it’s working. These mozza sticks are perfection. They’re perfectly crispy, the cheese is evenly melted, the marinara is on point. You simply can’t go wrong with this one. 4 - Dumplings from So Inviting So Inviting has quickly become an OEV staple and is soon to be one for London as a whole. Whether you get pork, chicken, veggie, or seafood dumplings, your mouth and mind will be two very happy things! 5 - Pierogies at Unique Food Attitudes This restaurant is a local gem offering the best in Polish goodness, accompanied by the nicest staff
in the world. Once you try their incredibly delicious pierogies, those frozen store bought ones in your freezer will turn to dust, never to be seen (or tasted) again. 6 - Anything from Pastamancers Whether it’s the farfelle, the tagliatelle, the marinara, the alfredo, or any other sorcery these wizards have conjured, you’ll be positively entranced. And to answer your question, yes, Pastamancers puts any new, shiny, chain Italian restaurant to shame. Nonna would abide... if she was a sorceress. 7 - Fried chicken from Rob’s Wicked Chicken You know the one - right on Horton that used to be a well-known chicken joint you’ve seen around town? Well, now Rob’s the mayor of poultry town and his chicken, taters, and gravy will warm even the coldest of souls.
London Fuse 24 bathurst Street, London ON, N6b1n7, londonfuse.ca
december 2017 - ISSUE 16
INNER FUSE
London author’s book about great-grandfa- Four page-turning local gift ther big on money, lost love ideas for book lovers By james stewart reaney London’s coolest family historian has done it again. It doesn’t hurt that Bill Cockshutt, 88, has a remarkable Brantford dynasty as his subject. The Cockshutt name was once known world-wide as a manufacturer of world-class farm equipment. In his first book, About Cockshutt, Bill Cockshutt told that story. His new book, Merchants Exchange: Ignatius Cockshutt, 1812-1901 Canadian Entrepreneur, tells about the family patriarch, Bill’s greatgrandfather. He is proud of Ignatius and his Merchants Exchange store, but also labels him a “workaholic.” Ignatius sounds like a cross between an Old Testament prophet (stern about debtors) and a shrewd rival to Timothy Eaton (the other Souwesto builder of a big store). The hottest pages are about love — not money — and one of Ignatius’s sons, W.F. Cockshutt. “W.F., you remember, was my grandfather … he had fallen in
By nicole borland
love with an English girl when he was over there on a trip… (she) wasn’t suitable to his father,” Bill says. That is putting it mildly. Ignatius shuttled off Brantford bright hope W.F. to a New York asylum — presumably to crush the 1880s romance. After this treatment, W.F. returned to Brantford, married a local woman and became a successful politician. CanLit fans will recognize this
family drama as similar to the plot of The Imperialist, the brilliant 1904 novel by Brantford writer Sara Jeannette Duncan. Allowing for significant differences between life and art, W.F. Cockshutt must be the original for Duncan’s hero Lorne Murchison. Don’t take my word for it — read Merchants Exchange and then its classic CanLit companion, The Imperialist. Brantford books — who knew, eh?
Still wondering what holiday gift to get that local-loving bookworm or history buff in your life? Well look no further because there has been a recent slew of London history books published - and they’re available at all your favourite reading haunts in the Forest City. Whether it’s mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, the Mr. or the the Mrs., we here at SHORT FUSE can assure you, they will love one (or all!) of these literary gems. Browse through and then go get em’ before they’re gone! 1 - London Free Press: From The Vault by Jennifer Grainger Grainger’s latest book needs no more explanation than the title provides. You can sift through various moments in London’s history as documented by the Free Press over many decades. Some areas include architecture, World Wars I and II, and industry just to name a few. It’s in-depth and engaging and also serves to show how important local publishing has always been and why we need to remember that today. You can find this gem at Attic Books downtown at 240 Dundas Street and www.biblioasis.com. 2 - So Long South Street By Ryan Craven It’s a photographic history, it’s an homage, it’s a memento. This book takes you through a visual history (photos by Matthew Trueman) of one of London’s most prominent and progressive health care facilities… as well as it’s demolition. Of the book, Craven said it’s “meant to honour the role the hospital has played in our community and serve as continued on page 4
Forest City sounds: five-word album reviews By michael del vecchio
The gift of music is even better on VINYL! Though they may not fit in stockings, these local releases make great gifts. Read the five word reviews below to find the perfect album for that special someone one your shopping list. Mountain of Wolves - Poison Forest City Records Old timey rock. New feel.
Wasted Potential - Living Up to Name Get Party! Records Fast and Furious. Vin who? Grievances - Late Bloomers Chisel Records Did someone say the 90’s? Klazo - Embarrassed of Living LP It’s Trash Records Lo-fi garage rock. Really lo-fi.
Killed by Meth #2 - Compilation It’s Trash Records Like a punk variety store. Broomsticks & Hammers - Mirror Box Self Released A collection of short stories. Johnny Terrien and the Bad Lieutenants Half Wits - Speedy City Records My kind of punk rock.
London Fuse 24 bathurst Street, London ON, N6b1n7, londonfuse.ca
december 2017 - ISSUE 16
SHoRT FUSE WORD UP ACROSS 1 - Etheria bad guys 6 - Scottish splash 10 - Pilsners and lagers 11 - Flu-like 13 - Asian fruit trees 14 - Loan shark, basically 15 - Type of discount 17 - Glossy coating 18 - Type of discount 22 - More willing 23 - Modify text 25 - Genuflect 26 - Sons of Anarchy gang leader ____ Wayne 28 - Canadian women’s fashion retailer 28 - They can be wine, music or film DOWN 1 - Red blood cell protein (abbv) 2 - What a French chicken lays 3 - Sequential notes 4 - Hammer home 5 - Gists 6 - Freaky Styley hit 7 - Assistant 8 - Addict
9 - War zone doctors org. 11 - Something to go out on 12 - Grievous and Kala 16 - Tiny flyer 18 - Beastie Boys boutique
owner 19 - Juste Pour ____ 20 - Wind-elemental spell in Final Fantasy series 21 - Jerk 22 - Regulatory body that
By the puzzlor
won’t let Eminem be 24 - Prefix with function or topia
Great local reads from local authors for the holidays from page 4
a memento for all the nurses, doctors and support staff who brought it to life.” This little guy can be found at the London Health Science Centre Bookstore as well as other independent locations in the city. 3 - Old South Tales by Jean Ramer There aren’t many areas of London that can possibly rival the pride that comes with growing up or living in Old South (we’re looking at you Wortley). So if someone you know falls in that
A new and spectacular staging! A PROUD PUBLICATION OF
category or they simply love their healthy dose of local tales, Ramer’s book will certainly do. It’s a collection of interesting, insightful and at times amusing historic tales about one of the greatest locations in the Forest City. Although published in 2016, Old South Tales wiill still make the perfect gift this year and is available at various locations including Tuckey’s Home Hardware and Westland Gallery. 4 - London: 150 Cultural Moments By Vanessa Brown & Jason Dickson
This book, which came out this past summer, explores a “bizarre mix of interesting, ordinary, or strange stories” that have unfolded over the past 150 years in London, Ontario. Random or intentional, the authors have put together a cultural snapshot of local history that will enthrall even the most unenthused Londoner. Where can you get it? At Jason and Vanessa’s shop, Brown & Dickson Booksellers at 609 Richmond Street of course!
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