A little guide on the

BIG SUBJECT of small talk Dr Theo Compernolle If you think Small Talk is useless if not stupid, think twice. Small talk is the ideal training ground to develop more sophisticated social skills Small Talk is important for its own sake. Small Talk has a big impact on the first impression you give Small Talk is about clichés and stereotypes: that makes it so powerful Small Talk is important for your intellectual productivity Don’t let your smartphone kill small talk. Small Talk improves the efficiency of meetings People who do not Small Talk loose out What is Small Talk? Small Talk is a skill. You can learn it. You can practise it. The other party is not immediately interested in a real conversation. The most important instrument of the Small Talker is listening, asking questions, Small talk is not only listening. Small talk is about public information Gossip helps and hurts, but why not try positive gossip. Usually you don’t share your ideas, opinions, beliefs, value judgements etc... Use small talk to introduce others in the conversation and in your network Be aware that Small Talk is different in different cultures. Don’t forget to close your conversation Small Talk can be (should become) fun

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Independent international consultant, coach, trainer and key-note speaker. Former Suez Chair in Leadership and Personal Development at the Solvay Business School, Adjunct Professor at large at INSEAD, Visiting Professor at the Vlerick School for Management and Professor at the Free University of Amsterdam. www.compernolle.com

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If you think Small Talk is useless if not stupid, think twice. While coaching groups of managers at INSEAD I was surprised to find out how many managers at all levels, struggle with Small Talk. There are roughly three types of people who have difficulty with Small Talk; people who disapprove of it “small talk is stupid, I prefer real conversations” 1. people who do not know how to do it “I feel so clusy, I do not know how to start a conversations”. Amazingly enough, these are often very intelligent people, who can talk very well about important subjects, but they do not know how to talk about he small things of live, about nothing. 2. people who feel inferior “who am I to want to talk with that person”. While coaching managers I discovered that quite a few belonging to the second category, try to hide their clumsiness behind a smokescreen of aversion. I also discovered that many managers who struggle with Small Talk tend to have difficulty managing people and really connecting with people. Hence, while coaching, I often use learning Small Talk as one of the exercises to improve people skills and develop emotional intelligent conversations (about these conversations see my text on “Epower-point for emotional intelligent conversations” on www.compernolle.com).

Small talk is the ideal training ground to develop more sophisticated social skills If you are a little awkward around people, in conversations etc…: Small talk is the ideal training ground to exercise having eye contact, listening well, trying out some active listening skills, looking for the positive in other people and showing your appreciation, showing your enthusiasm, connect fast with people, to learning to pay

attention to the process of the conversation and steering it eg. “That is an interesting point you made Karl, what do you think about this John” etc… If you do something clumsy not much is lost in most Small Talk situations. A dialogue can be said to consist of three levels, mastering each level will allow you to hold emotional intelligent conversations 1. The first level of dialogue is “Small Talk” which is about neutral facts, clichés. 2. The second level of dialogue is the “Discussion” where you bring in your subjective view, your perspective on facts, your opinions, beliefs, value judgments. 3. The “Real conversation” is the third level of dialogue and this is where feelings come in, your own as well as the other person’s. (see endnote) and where you create a joint new meaning. These three levels are interrelated, and all have their specific value. One of the most important elements of Emotional and Social Intelligence is to be able to start and develop a real “Conversation” that also addresses feelings: the feelings of the other person and your own. Don’t however think that having real conversations is always preferable. Being socially intelligent means that you understand that in some situations Small Talk has real value and is much better than a real conversation. Being good at Small Talk will help you to have better Conversations because it is an excellent training ground for listening. …If you are not good at Conversations, your Discussions will often run amiss, because you do not have the capacity to separate the objective from the personal feeling side. Being good at Small Talk will build your confidence for Discussions and Real Conversations and provides a shelter to move to if the conversation stalls. Being good at small talk also helps you to realise that very often the most important aspect of a conversation is not the content, but the process, the building of a

relationship. Way too many managers are extremely task and content oriented and neglect the relational and emotional aspects. This way they severely undermine their efficiency. Small Talk is 100% about building a relationship, because the content is worthless. Giving more attention to the relationship is exactly what they should learn, and become good at Small Talk might help. Moreover, small talk, being able to connect rapidly with all kinds of people, is a tool to develop more charisma.

Small Talk is important for its own sake. Small Talk is what you need to make it “click” with people you do not know very well (yet), it is the first step to get to a real conversation. Think of Small Talk as the oil which lubricates the machine of social interactions. Of course, the machine and what it produces are more important than the oil, but without oil the machine gets bogged down. Small Talk is a non threatening way of exchanging basic bits of public information, to warm up the relationship, to start the bonding process. The aim of Small Talk is not to get things done, not to hold a profound conversation, nor to learn really important matters about others, but to start or to improve a relationship by finding out what you have in common. Small talk is also useful to un-bind, for example after an intense meeting or a Real Conversation”.

Small Talk has a big impact on the first impression you give You never get a second chance to give a first impression and more important: first impressions last! You first contact will never be a deep conversation. In 99% of cases it will be in a situation of Small Talk.

Small Talk is about clichés and stereotypes: that makes it so powerful When you loathe the clichés of Small Talk, remember that what we have in common with someone we do not know yet are by definition… clichés and stereotypes! Hence clichés are the best starters, because they are the only ones. Clichés are always useful, especially with people you do not like at first sight or when you have the impression you have nothing in common. Moreover, the cliché subjects also provide security. A cliché is easy to stop or interrupt if you think that it becomes too personal for that moment or for that stage of the relationship, or if you want to stop the conversation to meet somebody else. With Small Talk you run absolutely no risks, exactly because it is just Small Talk. The worst that may happen is that you find out you have nothing of value in common or that someone does not follow your leads or even brushes you off. This is not a big loss, particularly because both parties at this stage have invested very little in the relationship. It would worse if you had immediately started with a very deep and personal conversation and were rejected. Even talking about clichés you can find out a lot about what you have in common: ”what are the for you the most interesting internet sites”… “what is the top 5 of the most interesting books you ever read” … are excellent questions to start from. You will also discover what subjects generate the other person’s enthusiasm. To learn Small Talk, you must learn to detach yourself from the content of a conversation. The fact that you have this conversation is more important than the content. Moreover you must learn to pay more attention to the process: who says what to whom, who interferes at what moment, with what tone and attitude. Often information about the process, most of it non-verbal, is even more important than the

words. You must learn to pay attention to this, develop your observation skills. Both, learning to detach from the content and to pay attention to the process, are valuable skills for managers to master in important meetings. Hence, if you are not yet a master in this, why not train yourself in Small Talk, where nothing important is at stake.

Small Talk is important for your intellectual productivity Don’t let your smartphone kill small talk. In my book “BrainChains; How we unknowingly ruin our intellectual productivity by being always connected, multitasking, stress and lack of sleep”, I extensively explain how important it is for our thinking-brain and especially our archiving-brain to have regular idle time where our archiving-brain gets the necessary space to absorb, order, recombine and archive all the millions of bits and bites of information that are being bombarded at us all the time. I also explain haw bad it is for our intellectual productivity to be always involved with our smartphones. Being glued to your smartphones is not smart at all, its plain dumb. One of the awful consequences is that our hyperconnectedness eliminates so many opportunities for small talk. The best (or worst) example is the total elimination of small talk before the start of a meeting. Small Talk improves the efficiency of meetings Can you imagine that just before an important football match a coach would allow his players to sit there without talking but doing emails? The “lost” time waiting for a meeting to start, is the perfect time for some small talk. “What? Doing stupid small talk rather than important emails?” Yes, yes and yes! Relaxed small-talk leaves enough idle spare brain-capacity to allow your archiving brain to prepare for the meeting and if you came

running straight out of another meeting to store some of that information too. Filling the “lost” time with doing emails before an important meeting or any important task also ruins much of the beautiful preparation work your brain unconsciously has been doing to prepare for it, it ruins your concentration, it even squanders precious brain chemicals you need so dearly to get the best out of the meeting; lowering your will power, your self control… your IQ. Why the heck would you want to do this? Or do you really think you have such a huge surplus of brain-power to waste? Especially just before an important meeting, while you are waiting for everybody to arrive, “small talk” is also the perfect oil to grease the relational machine of the meeting and to put the introverts at ease. These are also the moments that you might learn things “off the record” that you will never find in emails or hear in the meeting. Moreover, I just discovered that smalltalk has been the subject of serious research and it turns out that small-talk also has an influence on the way the participants evaluate the efficiency of the meeting, to the extent that the authors advise managers to start every meeting with a few minutes of small-talk, especially with introverts in the groupi.

People who do not Small Talk loose out Some people, cannot handle Small Talk and see it as an abject exchange of superficial stereotypes, a waste of their valuable time. The core of the problem very often is that these very intellectual, cognitive people focus too much on the content, the meaning, the importance of the message. It is important for them to learn that the process of a conversation, what happens while you talk, is at least as important and often much more important than the content. The paradox is that these people give the impression that they only want to have thorough, interesting, intellectual conversations, while at the same time they

do not get to these conversations or cannot handle them well if they occur because… they practised too little with Small Talk. Small Talk is an ideal exercise to learn to have better serious conversations. In many situations, if you do not participate in Small Talk, you do not take responsibility for your part of the relationship. You do not contribute to the success of the event, the meeting, the trip, the dinner, the festivity for which you are invited. A little bit of Small Talk before a meeting might oil the relationship and improve the chances of a good outcome. It is not only a-social but even just plain stupid and inefficient, to use the time before the meeting while you are waiting for every body to arrive, to get some work done on your Blackberry. Investing some time in Small Talk will oil the meeting, and help you to get more and more important work done faster, than what you could realise on with your Blackberry. If you do not Small Talk before meetings, at parties and other social events, you parasitize on the efforts of the others who do their best to break the ice and to create a positive atmosphere. On top of that you run the risk of being seen as aloof, asocial or pretentious. Moreover you miss countless opportunities to get to know really interesting people. It is true that with most of the people you will remain at the cliché level, but by means of the clichés you will get to know people and discover the subjects you find mutually interesting.

What is Small Talk? Small Talk is a skill. You can learn it. You can practise it. It is very important that you do not have to talk a lot. You do not have to be ready to tell long fascinating stories. On the contrary, you should keep your fascinating stories for later (unless you can tell the story in one (= 1) minute.

The other party is not immediately interested in a real conversation. It would be very emotionally un-intelligent to go for “deep” conversations too quickly. If you see a person regularly, Small Talk is a good way to improve your relationship, to gradually get to know him or her better and to move onto more meaningful, emotionally intelligent, conversations.

The most important instrument of the Small Talker is listening, asking questions, much more than giving funny, interesting, fascinating answers (the latter of course helps). Most important is to show interest. If you are not good at Small Talk, prepare a few general questions. It is important that these cannot be answered with a yes or no. You should ask open questions which help the flow of the conversation and which offer connections for new questions. Not: Isn’t it warm here? But: what could we do to make it feel cooler? Not: Do you know restaurant X? But: I just moved to this town… what are your favourite restaurants…? Not: Have you seen film X? But: What are the most beautiful films you have seen recently? Not: (when joining two people talking about a fascinating trip) Do you know what I did last time…? But: Is it the first time you went there… Would it be possible to do this trip with young children… ? If you were embarrassed, learn form it and find your own standard solution. I could not remember exactly somebody’s job (and should have known). Solution: I know always ask something like “What keeps you busy these days” ”what are the most interesting things you have been doing lately”. I use this phrase routinely know

because the question “what do you do for a living” can be embarrassing when somebody just lost his job or is a homemaker.

But: I have two great daughters who are masters in juggling the balls of work and family.

If you easily forget what people told you, and you know you will see those people again (eg. At work or at the sports club) write down all you learned, and have a look at your notes before you meet again. In a company I consulted for, all the executives where always very impressed by the personal interest of their CEO. They were amazed that one month later she still remembered that a kid had been ill, the oldest sone was going to graduate, a husband had lost his job etc… They did not know that, while being chauffeured back home or to the next meeting, she not only took notes about the content and the process of the meeting but also about all the personal information she heard. Her secretary put it all in a database and gave it to her before the next meeting. She then would not only rehearse the content of the meeting, but also the process and.., the personal titbits of information, to ask questions about moments of small talk.

You can also give little “gifts”. A simple one is to show interest and even enthusiasm for the subject the other person is talking about.

Small talk is not only listening. I put the emphasis on listening because that comforts people who are not good at Small Talk. Of course Small Talk is also give and take. You should not give one word answers, but tell something about yourself, that then gives the other person a chance to build on. You give information about yourself, but only “public information”. If you are not good at Small Talk: prepare a few opening lines or standard answers, for example about your job and your family. Don’t forget: it will be the first impression you give and therefore you should find the right words to show your enthusiasm. Don’t say: I am a marketing manager. Say something that say with enthusiasm: I am a marketing manager in one of the most challenging (or most interesting, or most fascinating, or most difficult…) businesses I ever worked in. Don’t say: I have two daughters.

A beautiful gift is to introduce the person to somebody you know and who has a similar interest. You may also give a (small) good advice, at tip, a suggestion. Be careful with humour unless you know the people. Not everybody has the same feeling for humour.

Small talk is about public information In most cases of Small Talk you only exchange public information, facts about yourself. Where you work, what you do, what you like to do, about your family… Don’t even be afraid of the most cliché clichés like: how do you know the host and hostess, where do you come from, do you have children (if your speaker has children then you open a door to a wealth of new questions). Only ask questions relating to a subject you find interesting yourself, otherwise the conversation will stall quickly. Get inspiration from your surroundings (food, building, part of town, parking) You can prepare yourself. Read the newspaper or Google news before you leave and select three stories that you consider very funny, unusual, interesting or important, to ask people’s ideas about. You may even select your stories based on the social background of the people you expect at the gathering. Let’s say you made an interesting trip, you then could prepare 3 anecdotes. Make them very short! If you got people’s interest, they will ask for more or for more details.

Gossip helps and hurts, but why not try positive gossip. There are research indications that among people who know each other gossip is an element of social bonding (Dunbar). It helps to define the network (defines insiders and

outsiders), it teaches the informal values and sometimes enhances prestige. It very much is a two-edged sword because it might also really hurt people, undermine values and trust etc… Often it creates a lose-lose-lose situation. The reputation of the person being gossiped about hurt, the person telling the gossip loses “if he tells this about me, what is he telling about me to others?”, the person listening to the gossip loses trust in both… From other research we know that people who gossip a lot have a low self-esteem and do it often trying to fit in. Anyway, I think negative gossip is certainly not a good subject for small talk with strangers, unless probably you stay with “public gossip” that is already in the media. If you really cant stop the urge to gossip: never gossip with strangers. However, there is also “positive gossip”: telling something positive about a third person, which creates a win-win-win situation. I often prescribe deliberate positive gossip (word of mouth) to managers implementing change.

Usually you don’t share your ideas, opinions, beliefs, value judgements etc... In most cases of small talk you only exchange public information, facts about yourself. Where you work, what you do, what you like to do, about your family… Giving an opinion brings you to a deeper level of the relationship, because you reveal something more personal about yourself. Revealing your opinions might lead into a discussion that is impossible to keep short or to interrupt. When it is interrupted prematurely you might not have had the opportunity to explain the nuances of your opinion, leaving the other person with a wrong impression of your opinion. Only start talking about your opinions when you know there will be time enough to discuss them (e.g. when you will spend the rest of the evening around the dinner table) or with people you will meet again eg at work.

Use small talk to introduce others in the conversation and in your network “You are a scuba diver, did you know that John in the department you just moved to, is also a fanatic scuba diver. You don’t know him yet, … let me introduce him to you”. Since networking is more about giving than about receiving, this is an excellent little networking gift for a new employee.

Be aware that Small Talk is different in different cultures. People use Small Talk in all cultures, but what is an appropriate subject is different. In some cultures you can/should ask about the family in others you don’t, unless you know each other well. In Western countries politics is often a good subject, but I would not advise you to talk politics with new acquaintances in Syria or Egypt. In Southern Europe (from Belgium on) gastronomy is an excellent topic (for many men too), while in the Netherlands a lot of people have little interest in food and more in travelling.

Don’t forget to close your conversation Don’t just leave like that, or with an unnecessary excuse like going to the toilet. Round up your conversation with something like: “It was nice seeing you again… It was nice getting to know you… Hope to meet again… Good bye” If you were invited to a meeting or party where you do not know anybody, an excellent one is “Since I am new in this company… Since I do not know many people here… could please be so kind to introduce me to somebody you think I should meet…”. This way you can start a snowball effect of getting to know many more people quickly, in a way that feels natural.

Small Talk can be (should become) fun Don’t be too serious about Small Talk. If you are not comfortable with it, see it as a game or even a sport. Practice in your home environment at the baker’s, taxi driver etc ... Next time you go to one of those “boring” dinners or “superficial” cocktail parties, why not start a competition with yourself:

 I will get to know 4 totally new people in one evening  Lets see how many new people I can get to know in one evening  I will find 3 people who also lived in 4 different countries  I will find 3 people who work in my sector.  I will find out from 10 people how many children they have and what the best vacation was they ever had…

Good luck. Please write me about your experiences or about advice you would give to your colleagues at [email protected]

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Although “dialogue” and “conversation” are often used interchangeable, the etymology of the words shows that “conversation” is less neutral, more intimate, less one-off than “dialogue” and less confrontational than “discussion”. dialogue c.1225, "literary work consisting of a conversation between two or more people," from O.Fr. dialoge, from L. dialogus, from Gk. dialogos, related to dialogesthai "converse," from dia- "across" + legein "speak" (see lecture). Sense broadened to "a conversation" 1401. Mistaken belief that it can only mean "conversation between two persons" is from confusion of dia- and di-. conversation 1340, from O.Fr. conversation, from L. conversationem (nom. conversatio) "act of living with," prp. of conversari "to live with, keep company with," lit. "turn about with," from L. com- intens. prefix + vertare, freq. of vertere (see versus). Originally "having dealings with others," also "manner of conducting oneself in the world;" specific sense of "talk" is 1580. Used as a synonym for "sexual intercourse" from at least 1511, hence criminal conversation, legal term for adultery from late 18c. discussion c.1340, from O.Fr. discussion, from L.L. discussionem "examination, discussion," in classical L., "a shaking," from discussus, pp. of discutere "strike asunder, break up," from dis- "apart" + quatere "to shake." Originally "examination, investigation, judicial trial;" meaning of "talk over, debate" first recorded 1448. Sense evolution in L. appears to have been from "smash apart" to "scatter, disperse," then in post-classical times (via the mental process involved) to "investigate, examine," then to "debate”. Small Talk O.E. smæl "slender, narrow, small," from P.Gmc. … Sense of "not large, of little size" developed in O.E. With many extended senses, e.g. small fry, first recorded 1697 of little fish, 1885 of insignificant people… small talk "chit-chat" (1751) first recorded in Chesterfield's "Letters." Small world as a comment upon an unexpected meeting of acquaintances is recorded from 1895. Small-town (adj.) "unsophisticated, provincial" is recorded from 1824… http://www.etymonline.com i

Small Talk steigert die Meetingeffektivität. Joseph A. Allen und Dr. Nale Lehmann-Willenbrock. Personal Quarterly 02/ 13.