SPEEDWAY SQUAD "Wheel of Misfortune"

written by Chris Morgan

Chris Morgan [email protected]

1.

OPENING CREDITS A bunch of awesome hot rod race cars are speeding around a track. Then, the car featuring our heroes, Charles Montgomery “Chuck” Burns and Waylon “Wheel Man” Smithers, drives toward the screen. Burns points a double-barreled shotgun at the viewer at home and fires off a couple of shots. The words “Speedway Squad - In Color!” appear on the screen ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Speedway Squad! In Color! A montage of auto racing and totally cool explosions and stuff happens. Also, there are sexy ladies. Burns shoots a bow-and-arrow which pins some bad dude to a wall. As Burns smiles at his handiwork, the screen freezes, and his credit appears: With George Peppard as Charles Montgomery “Chuck” Burns. Smithers is driving a hot rod and finds himself driving it up one of those trucks that carries cars on them. As he flies into the air, he peers down with a look that says, “What have I gotten myself into?” The screen freezes: Richard Dean Anderson as Waylon “Wheel Man” Smithers. The Chief smashes his fist on his desk and hangs up his phone angrily. The screen freezes: Ed Asner as “The Chief.” Wingnut is working on a car. He drops his wrench. When he bends down to pick it up, he hits his head on the bumper of the car. He shoots up in pain and hits his head on the hood of the car. The screen freezes: And introducing Len Nimoy as Wingnut. The four men are sitting in a bar. They raise their beer bottles in a toast and the screen freezes once more. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Tonight’s episode: Wheel of MISfortune. (Note: Make sure the announcer hits the “mis” in misfortune so the audience at home gets it.) END OPENING CREDITS

2.

ACT ONE 1

INT. GYM - DAY

1

CHUCK BURNS, an athletic man in his late 50’s, is working out in a sweatsuit. He pummels a punching bag with his fists. Sure, he’s getting up there in years, his hair is beginning to thin and it is turning grey, but a fire still burns inside him (Note to self: Good pun. Be sure to use it in future script). Society may want to set him aside and forget about him, but like our beloved President Reagan, he’s out there showing folks that older people can still get stuff done. Burns takes a moment to wipe sweat off his face with a towel. A crotchety old GYM MANAGER peaks his head around the corner. GYM MANAGER Hey Chuck! You gotta phone call! BURNS Tell ‘em I’m busy. GYM MANAGER It’s the government. Burns doesn’t pay attention, going back to his workout. GYM MANAGER (CONT’D) The American government. This gets Burns’ attention. He decides to take the call, because he is an American patriot, not some sniveling commie coward. Burns picks up a phone as he wipes sweat off his body. BURNS Hello? Yes, this is Chuck Burns. A meeting? This afternoon? Well, I’ll need to take a shower, but I think I can get over there in an hour or so? Where are you located? Main and Elm? Got it. Burns hangs up the phone and heads to the locker room. GYM MANAGER You cuttin’ your workout short today, Chuck? BURNS When Uncle Sam calls, sometimes you’ve got to put your life on hold. GYM MANAGER Try telling that to my wife.

3.

The two men share a laugh because, you know, women right? 2

EXT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING - LATER

2

A large, gray, square building stands proud but non-descript with a sign that reads “Government,” because this is America, not Europe. 3

INT. THE CHIEF’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

3

WAYLON SMITHERS, 33, sits in a chair across from The Chief’s currently unoccupied desk. He is dashing and handsome, wearing an immaculate suit. Smithers checks his watch, waiting for a mysterious meeting to start. The Chief’s totally smoking SECRETARY enters. She makes Olivia NewtonJohn look like a hideous sea crone. She catches Smithers’ eye as she drops some files on the floor and bends over to pick them up. The secretary looks up to see Smithers gazing upon her. SECRETARY Can I help you with something? SMITHERS Just admiring the view. Smithers flashes a billion-watt smile. If a lesser man had said such a thing to her, the secretary would have been offended, but since Smithers is just so irresistible to women, only the basic laws of decency kept her from giving herself over body and soul to him right then and there for what would assuredly be the plowing of a lifetime. Instead, she just smiles back and heads out the door just as Burns arrives. He takes a seat next to Smithers. BURNS Hi there. Chuck Burns. Burns extends his hand. Smithers meets it for a firm masculine handshake. SMITHERS Waylon Smithers. Say, do you know why we’re here? BURNS No idea. All I know is that my government wanted to see me, so I came calling. THE CHIEF walks in. He’s in his mid-60’s and paunchy with a horseshoe of grey hair circling his head. He takes a seat at his desk and pulls out some anti-heartburn chewable tablets.

4.

THE CHIEF Ulcers. He pops the tablets in his mouth and chews them. THE CHIEF (CONT’D) I’m Ronald Wayne, the chief of this department. SMITHERS Nice to meet you, but do you mind telling us why we’re here? I’ve got a date tonight. With fraternal triplets. THE CHEIF Sure, sure. The Chief picks up two folders on his desk. THE CHIEF So you’re Charles Montgomery Burns? BURNS Yes, but please, call me Chuck. THE CHIEF OK then, Chuck. It says here you used to be a cop? BURNS That’s right. I spent 15 years on the force patrolling the beat. THE CHIEF But then you struck it rich investing in... nuclear power? BURNS It’s the future of the energy industry. THE CHIEF This guy’s talking about the future of energy and I can’t even change a light bulb without getting an electric shock. BURNS The key is to turn the power off first.

5.

THE CHIEF OK, OK, Mr. Smarty Pants. So you’re smart, you’re rich, and you know your way around a fight. I think you could work out. BURNS Work out for what? THE CHIEF I’ll get to it. Keep your pants on. I’ve already got ulcers here! And you’re Waylon Smithers? SMITHERS In the flesh. THE CHIEF AKA “Wheel Man.” Smithers is stone faced. SMITHERS Nobody calls me that anymore. THE CHIEF But you are Waylon “Wheel Man” Smithers? SMITHERS I used to be. BURNS Oh yeah. I remember you. You were a helluva race car driver. THE CHIEF He was the best. And we think we can put his skills to use for this great country of ours. Let me tell you why you are both here. I don’t need to tell you that in this the year 1965 things have been tough in America. The Vietnam War is going on. Communism is running rampant. Women and minorities are fighting for their rights. It’s chaos. BURNS You don’t need to tell me that. I’m here in the year 1965. I see the turmoil this country is in. But why are we here?

6.

THE CHIEF I’m getting to that. We here at the United States government realize we have to keep up with the times, and there is a key area we need to address right away... SMITHERS The hot rod circuit. THE CHIEF That’s right, Waylon. Smithers, distraught, gets up and walks over the window to stare out of it. BURNS The hot rod circuit? THE CHIEF Here in 1965, which is where we are, the hot rod circuit has become a bastion of crime and sleaze. It’s full of fast cars and faster women. It’s just not men racing cars anymore, the way Jesus intended. Some have taken to using it in a nefarious manner. Drug running. Illegal gambling. Mafia connections. You name it, if it’s illegal, somebody in the world of the hot rod circuit is connected to it. BURNS My God. The hot rod circuit used to be pure and All-American. This makes me sick. THE CHIEF You don’t need to tell me. And you don’t need to tell Waylon. This is why we need you both. We need you to become undercover detectives on the hot rod circuit. We’ve got a car all lined up. A crew. Everything you need. Waylon drives. Chuck, you lead the crew. While you do that, you will also be looking for criminals and bringing them to justice.

7.

BURNS Well, I have no experience with race cars, and as an independently wealthy gadabout I don’t need the job, but if my country wants my help, I’m here for sweet Lady Liberty. THE CHIEF Glad to hear it, Chuck. Burns stand up to shake hands with The Chief. They turn their eyes to Smithers. THE CHIEF (CONT’D) That just leaves you, Waylon. Without you, we don’t have a driver. You were the hot rod king. Will “Wheel Man” ride again? SMITHERS I... I can’t. Not after... the accident. Smithers’ face purses in anguish. If he were a woman, he would cry. THE CHIEF That wasn’t your fault, Waylon. Nobody blames you for that. Smithers turns back toward the other two men, a volcano of emotion. SMITHERS I could have done something! I was so good behind that wheel! When I drove a car, it was like I was one with it. That accident... I can’t get past it. THE CHIEF But... SMITHERS But nothing, Chief! Ninety-five percent of an elementary school class died that day! And the other five percent died the next day! How can I race again after that? Burn walks over to Smithers and puts his hand on Smithers’ shoulder. They look deeply into one another’s eyes.

8.

BURNS Because your country needs you, that’s how. Smithers ponders what to do as The Chief chows down on some more anti-heartburn tablets in anxious anticipation. Smithers exhales deeply. SMITHERS OK. I’ll do it. BURNS I’m sure that elementary school class is up in Heaven right now, waving the American flag and cheering you on. SMITHERS I sure hope so. THE CHIEF Gentleman, welcome to Operation Speedway Squad. Join me in the briefing room for your first mission. The Chief flips the head of a bust of Lyndon B. Johnson over, revealing a big red button. He presses it, and a bookshelf slides over revealing his top secret briefing room. The three men walk in. 4

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

4

The lights in the briefing room flick on as the bookshelf closes behind them. It is a sterile room with a big lucite table in the middle. There are folders with photos and secret files and crap in them. THE CHIEF Now we have complete secrecy, so we can talk with confidence. All three men pick up folders and pour in them. THE CHIEF (CONT’D) We have picked up intelligence telling us the Cuban government has infiltrated the hot rod circuit. BURNS The Cubans!? Those no good commie punks! THE CHIEF Indeed. They have a driver, but we don’t know who. (MORE)

9. THE CHIEF (CONT'D) Rumor has it that there is a shipment of Cuban cigars, which we all know are illegal in this country here in 1965, are going to be smuggled in their car from this weekend’s race in Miami to next weekend’s race in Chicago. We can’t let this happen. If people can buy Cuban cigars, they won’t buy American cigars, and the tobacco industry will take a huge blow.

BURNS The American tobacco industry under attack? What kind of monster would do that? THE CHIEF A commie monster, that’s who. However, with you two heading up the Speedway Squad, I think we can catch the Cuban down in Miami, and our country will be saved. SMITHERS I don’t know. I mean, this weekend is cutting it close. I haven’t driven a hot rod in so long. BURNS Don’t worry “Wheel Man.” I’m sure racing a hot rod is just like riding a bike. SMITHERS I trust you, Chuck. THE CHIEF I’m glad to hear that. Since you two are beginning a long, potentially exciting partnership and, perhaps, in time, friendship. BURNS To the Speedway Squad. Burns exchanged his hand for a hearty handshake of undying partnership. SMITHERS To the Speedway Squad. They shake hands. The Chief looks on approvingly.

10.

THE CHIEF OK guys. No more time for chit chat and fun. We need to get you down to Miami to catch a Cuban. They all nod their heads in acknowledgment of the task at hand, and the immensity and importance of the situation. END OF ACT ONE

11.

ACT TWO 5

EXT. MIAMI - DAY

5

An establishing shot of Miami. You know, sunshine, beaches, sexy ladies in bikini bathing suits, Latino people... maybe some seals? Are there seals around Miami? Somebody be sure to look that up before we shoot this. 6

INT. GARAGE - DAY

6

Burns and Smithers walk into the garage of the race track. They are wearing matching green and purple racing uniforms. Burns is wearing a racing helmet, while Smithers’ hair is immaculately slicked back. BURNS Keep an eye out for anybody suspicious, Waylon. Particularly anybody that looks Cuban. SMITHERS Roger that, Chuck. Burns and Smithers espy their car in the distance, and see a shady looking character tinkering with the engine of their hot rod. BURNS Hey, somebody is messing with our car. The two run over and confront the man. Burns lifts him up by his lapels. Its WINGNUT, an aging beatnik, with a goatee and a beret. BURNS (CONT’D) Alright you lousy hippie, what’re you doing with our hot rod? WINGNUT Whoa, chill out daddy-o. It’s all groovy my brothers. SMITHERS (very sarcastic) Sorry “brother,” but we aren’t going to “chill.” Spill it before we spill you. WINGNUT Are you guys Chuck Burns and Waylon Smithers?

12.

BURNS Sure, what’s it too ya? WINGNUT I’m part of the team, man. I’m Wingnut. Didn’t The Chief tell you? BURNS Wingnut? WINGNUT Yeah, that’s what, you know, the groovy cats call me. I’m a mechanic. Ya dig? SMITHERS A burnt out beatnik like you, a mechanic? WINGNUT Hey, mellow out, man. That, like, stings. If you prick me, do I not bleed. That’s from Shakespeare, man. Burns puts Wingnut down. BURNS Sorry about that, Wingnut. The Chief didn’t tell us to be expecting a mechanic. WINGNUT Well what were you thinking? That, like, the car would fix itself? That’s freaky stuff. Me and cars are, like, one in the same, man. I will keep this hot rod cherry and you two just worry about driving it and being, (whispers) detectives. SMITHERS Thanks, Wingnut. We’re glad to have you on the team. WINGNUT Hey, you can trust old Wingnut. I’m the bees knees. Burns and Smithers walk away. Wingnut steps on one of those rolling thing people use under cars and performs a hilarious pratfall.

13.

7

INT. RACE TRACK - MOMENTS LATER Burns and Smithers step out onto the race track and take it all in. BURNS This is really happening, huh? SMITHERS Yep. BURNS How are you feeling? SMITHERS We’ll find out after I get back behind the wheel. BURNS Just remember. We’re here to serve our government. It’s not about whether we win or lose. We can be heroes either way. SMITHERS I’m just glad you have my back, Chuck. A sexy LADY REPORTER approaches the two men. LADY REPORTER Mr. Burns, Mr. Smithers. I’m with the Miami Herald. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? SMITHERS Go ahead and shoot, doll. LADY REPORTER Mr. Smithers... SMITHERS Please, call me Waylon. LADY REPORTER Waylon. You were once arguably the greatest hot rod driver in the world. You have also killed more children than your average race car driver. How are you feeling in your return to the track?

7

14.

SMITHERS I’m just taking it one day at a time. I’ve got a great crew chief in Chuck Burns here and I think we are going to make some noise. LADY REPORTER Thank you, Waylon. SMITHERS Anytime, sweetheart. The reporter smiles and blushes. LADY REPORTER Mr. Burns. You’ve made a considerable about of money from your nuclear power investments. You could have sat on that wealth and retired happily. Why get involved in the hot rod circuit? BURNS Well, I like a challenge. Plus, when I heard that Waylon “Wheel Man” Smithers was ready to get back on the track, how could I resist getting involved? Mark my words, the year 1965 is going to be big for our race team, starting with today’s contest. Smithers notices another sexy broad, CARLA, traipsing around the track by herself. He is instantly enthralled, and decides to go over to her and pitch woo. SMITHERS Excuse me, miss. Did it hurt? CARLA Did what hurt? SMITHERS When you fell from heaven. Because you are an angel. A sexy angel. Naturally, Carla is taken with Smithers’ charms. CARLA Oh my, thank you mister... SMITHERS Smithers. Waylon Smithers. But you can call me “Wheel Man.” And I do hope you’ll call me.

15.

Carla giggles like a school girl. CARLA I’m Carla. SMITHERS So tell me, Carla, what’s a beauty like you doing all alone at this race? CARLA Oh, my uncle is a driver. You know, I’m not sure he’d want to see me talking to one of his competitors. SMITHERS In that case, maybe we should continue this conversation in private. CARLA Well then, perhaps I can stop by your car later. What garage are you in? SMITHERS Number three. Just look for the handsome guy in the green and purple jumpsuit. CARLA I’ll keep that in mind. I need to get back to my uncle now. See you later, Wheel Man. Both Smithers and Carla are totally turned on after their erotically charged conversation. Smithers exhales and shakes his head as Carla walks away. Burns comes up behind him. BURNS Nice girl? SMITHERS I sure hope not. In a sexual way. BURNS Come on, we’ve got to get back to the car. Burns and Smithers begin to walk. SMITHERS Speaking of nice girls, that reporter seemed nice. Maybe you should ask her out.

16.

BURNS I’m married. SMITHERS Oh, I didn’t know that. I’d like to meet your wife. BURNS That would be a bit tricky. SMITHERS What do you mean? Burns stops and looks off into the distance, deep in thought. If there was a window nearby, he’d stare through it. SMITHERS (CONT’D) Chuck? Burns pulls a locket out of his pocket. He flips it open. There is a picture of a woman in it. BURNS My beloved June died. SMITHERS I’m sorry to hear that. What happened? BURNS She was killed. Some no good punks hopped up on the reefer were jonesing for their next score and were desperate for some cash. June was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I retired as a cop the next day. If I couldn’t even save my wife, how could I be trusted to save somebody else? So you see, Waylon, I too have spent years haunted by what I could have done different to prevent a tragedy. SMITHERS Well, a wise man once told me that I did everything I could, and that I shouldn’t hold it against myself. I’m sure June is up in Heaven, and she is proud of you. BURNS I’d like to think that. Come on, let’s get back to the car.

17.

8

INT. GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER

8

As Burns and Smithers approach their hot rod, they see Wingnut shoveling cake into his mouth with both hands like the stoned beatnik he is. SMITHERS What’s this, Wingnut? WINGNUT Somebody sent us a cake. BURNS Why? WINGNUT I don’t know, man. Some hep dude brought me a cake and said it was for us, and I was just like, groovy thanks, you know? I think there’s a card around here somewhere. As Wingnut digs into the cake he picks up a gun hidden inside it and accidentally bites into it. WINGNUT (CONT’D) Ouch! Whoa! There’s a gun in this cake. Major buzzkill. BURNS Where’s that card? Burns searches for the card and finds it. He reads it aloud. BURNS (CONT’D) Speedway Squad - In case you can’t drive faster than a bullet, these might come in handy. The Chief. Smithers takes the gun from Wingnut. Burns digs into the cake and pulls out a shotgun. SMITHERS Well, if we’re going to be undercover detectives for the government, we probably need some protection. Burns hides the shotgun in the hot rod. BURNS I’ll put that there for safe keeping. Smithers opens his jumpsuit up and sticks it into a pocket inside.

18.

WINGNUT Do I get a gun? BURNS I don’t think so, Wingnut. WINGNUT C’mon, daddy-o. I can be trusted with a gun. I’m a careful dude. Wingnut slips on that rolling thing again and falls over. Burns and Smithers look at one another and shake their heads. Classic Wingnut. BURNS I’m going to go get a Coca-Cola soda drink. Burns walks over to a soda machine and buys himself a nice, refreshing Coca-Cola. He opens it and drinks deeply of its bold cola flavor, because Coca-Cola is the drink of champions. (Note to self: If Coca-Cola backs out of promotional deal, remember to change to Pepsi.) Then, he sees a BLACK MAN lurking around the garage. He has a big afro and looks like a real radical. Naturally, Burns is skeptical. Then, he sees the black man steal a wallet off a table. BURNS (CONT’D) Hey! Stop right there. The black man does not listen, and takes off running. Burns takes off after him. The chase is on. It’s really exciting. I don’t need to tell you about this. It’s a chase scene on television! The black man throws stuff around to try and get away, but Burns is undeterred. Eventually, the black man turns the wrong corner. It’s a dead end. BLACK MAN Let’s keep cool, my brother. BURNS Oh, I’m cool. I’m plenty cool. You’re the one that’s in the hot seat, and right now it’s sizzling. Burns backs him up against the wall. BLACK MAN You know what? It turns out this isn’t my wallet. I’m going to go return it. The black man tries to sneak past Burns, who grabs him by the arm.

19.

BLACK MAN (CONT’D) Hey, let go of me you jive turkey! BURNS You don’t scare me. I was a cop for 15 years. Hand the wallet over. The black man hands the wallet over. BLACK MAN So you gonna turn me into the fuzz? BURNS I don’t see what choice I have. BLACK MAN C’mon man. It’s 1965! The white man and the black man are supposed to come together! BURNS OK, I’ll tell you what. Maybe you can do a little something for me, and then I can let you go. BLACK MAN Lay it on me. BURNS I’m looking for a suspicious character. Word on the street is that one of these racers is working for some Cubans to smuggle cigars. Do you have any information you think could help? BLACK MAN Well, you didn’t hear this from me, but one of the race teams just hired a new driver. His name is Ramon, I think. He drives for the race team with the red car. He arrived today with some chick. Real foxy lady. BURNS Is that a fact? BLACK MAN Yeah. Now let go of my threads. Burns lets him go.

20.

BURNS Alright. You’re safe... for now. But if you are lying to me... BLACK MAN Yeah, yeah. My goose is cooked, I know. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get to the jazz club. The two go their separate ways. 9

INT. GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER

9

Smithers is sitting quietly in thought while Wingnut puts the finishing touches on the hot rod for the race. WINGNUT Something on your mind, Wheel Man? SMITHERS Just thinking about the race. It has... been a while. WINGNUT Hey, dig it dude, you ever tried meditation? SMITHERS Meditation? WINGNUT Yeah man, it’s like, you just relax, you know? You just try and not think and find a calm within your self, you feel me? It’s really the cat’s pajamas. Smithers shakes his head in disbelief. SMITHERS You crazy beatniks. What will you think of next? P.A. ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Waylon Smithers, there is a phone call for you in the main office. Waylon Smithers, phone call.. SMITHERS I’ll be right back, Wingnut. You make sure that hot rod is in tip top shape.

21.

WINGNUT It’s all groovy, man. All groovy. This ride is going to be smooth as silk. 10

INT. MAIN OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

10

Smithers has arrived at the main office. As he gets there, a SICKLY CHILD approaches him. SICKLY CHILD Excuse me, are you Waylon Smithers? SMITHERS Why yes, son, I am. SICKLY CHILD You were my daddy’s favorite driver. SMITHERS Well that’s great. Is he around? I sure would like to meet him. SICKLY CHILD Oh, he died. Smithers is crestfallen as his face turns an ashen gray. SMITHERS I... I’m so sorry to hear that little boy. SICKLY CHILD It’s OK. My doctor told me that I’ll be seeing my daddy in Heaven real soon. Today would have been his birthday, and I was wondering if maybe you could win the race for him? SMITHERS Well, I... I haven’t raced for years. I... SICKLY CHILD I understand. The child starts to slink away. Or maybe hobble away. Maybe he’s on crutches. Or in a wheelchair. SMITHERS Wait, kid. The sickly child turns around.

22.

SMITHERS (CONT’D) I promise you I will win today for you and your dad. SICKLY CHILD Thanks Mr. Smithers. I have to go get in my iron lung now, but the whole time I’ll be thinking about the race. The kid scampers off. Wait... he can’t scamper can he? Maybe it’s like a miracle? (Note to self: Think about maybe having miracles on this show in the future. Maybe Wingnut is secretly a guardian angel?) Smithers sidles up to the cage in the main office. A GRUFF MAN works behind it. SMITHERS You have a call for Waylon Smithers? GRUFF MAN (gruffly) It’s that grey phone over there. Smithers walks over to the phone and picks it up. SMITHERS Hello, this is Waylon Smithers... Hello? Hello? Smithers, confused, hangs up and heads back to his car. 11

INT. GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER

11

Burns is walking through the garage when he is approached by an ILL CHILD. ILL CHILD Pardon me, sir. Are you Charles Montgomery Burns? BURNS I sure am, but you can call me Chuck. ILL CHILD What are you doing here at the hot rod circuit? BURNS I’m a crew chief now. I work here. Are you a fan of hot rods?

23.

ILL CHILD You bet! But I’m also a fan of nuclear power, and you are my favorite industrialist! BURNS Why thank you. Maybe someday you can follow in my footsteps. ILL CHILD I wish I could, but my doctors think I should stay away from nuclear radiation on account of my various illnesses. BURNS I tell you what, how would you like my racing team to win today’s race for you? ILL CHILD That’d be great. BURNS Well then, I promise you we will win. ILL CHILD Thanks Mr. Chuck! 12

INT. GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER

12

Smithers returns to the car. He finds Wingnut with his back turned to him, working on the car. Or so he thinks because, get this, it isn’t Wingnut! This mysterious person slams the hood down and we see that it’s Carla (from before)! END OF ACT TWO

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ACT THREE 13

INT. GARAGE - INSTANTANEOUSLY

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Smithers still doesn’t realize that the person he is seeing is Carla, not Wingnut. Carla is being sure to keep her back turned to Smithers as she tries to evade him to escape after her dastardly deeds. SMITHERS Hey Wingnut, how’s the car? CARLA (disguising her voice) It’s good. It will run good. SMITHERS Glad to hear it. The race starts soon and we need to get it out on the track. CARLA OK. I have to go now. I will be back soon. SMITHERS Where are you going? And why does your voice sound different? CARLA I am sick. I think I have cholera. So I am going to the doctor. Yes, that is what I am doing. Smithers is finally suspicious. SMITHERS Hold on a second, Wingnut. Carla tries to hurry off, but Smithers catches her, spins her around, and takes off her cap. SMITHERS (CONT’D) Carla! What did you do to Wingnut!? Carla stomps on Smithers’ foot, and then takes off running. Another exciting chase happens. Then, Carla finds herself in a dead end, and Smithers corners her. SMITHERS (CONT’D) What’s going on, Carla?

25.

CARLA I’m not saying a word you capitalist pig. SMITHERS Capitalist pig? What is... wait a second... you’re one of the communists, aren’t you!? CARLA That’s right. SMITHERS But, you aren’t Cuban. CARLA Yeah, so what? I’m from Los Angeles, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be part of the glorious communist revolution! SMITHERS You aren’t just a communist, you are a traitor to this beautiful country. CARLA It’s too late to stop us, Waylon. You and your precious Speedway Squad. SMITHERS How did you find out about the Speedway Squad? CARLA We have our ways. Before you know it, the cigars are going to be out of here and on their way across this country. And that’s just the beginning. There’s nothing you can do. SMITHERS No, Carla. There is one thing I can do. Smithers pulls out his gun and points it at Carla. CARLA Wait, Waylon. Think it over. What about all the good times we had? Remember the race track? We had something real there, didn’t we? SMITHERS Adios amigo.

26.

Smithers want to shoot Carla right in her dirty commie face, so her dirty commie friends can’t give her an open casket funeral. However, he is too much of a gentleman to do that, so he merely delivers a solid karate chop to her neck, knocking her unconscious. He binds her hands and feet with some duck tape conveniently on hand, neutralizing the threat. 14

INT. GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER

14

Smithers runs back to the car to find Burns there. BURNS Waylon, where were you? And where’s Wingnut? SMITHERS I don’t know. Some wild stuff has gone down Chuck. I just karate chopped Carla in the neck. It turns out she was one of the communists. She did something to Wingnut and was messing with the car. BURNS What!? The two men hear a banging coming from a nearby storage closet. They head over there and open it. Inside, Wingnut is tied up and gagged. His clothes are gone, leaving him in his boxers with hearts on them. BURNS AND SMITHERS Wingnut! Burns takes the gag out of Wingnut’s mouth while Smithers unties his hands and places a towel over him. WINGNUT You two are a sight for sore eyes. SMITHERS What happened? WINGNUT I’m not entirely sure. I was chatting with some kid with some disease and promising him that we’d win the race for him, when I noticed this pie just sitting there on the ground. I had the munchies, so I went over to pick it up, and next thing I knew some big anvil or something fell on my head. When I woke up, I was in the closet. Not groovy, man. Not groovy.

27.

SMITHERS When I showed up, there was a woman pretending to be you and messing with the car. It turns out she was one of the communists. We need you to give the car an inspection. WINGNUT You got it. BURNS I got some intel from a source telling me that the driver working for the Cubans is in the red car today. His name is Ramon. SMITHERS We need to go find him. P.A. ANNOUNCER (O.S.) All drivers and crew chiefs report for the pre-race briefing. BURNS It’s too late! We’ve got to go to that meeting. It’s mandatory. SMITHERS What are we going to do? BURNS We’re going to race. This means everything to Burns and Smithers, who nod in agreement. BURNS (CONT’D) Wingnut, we’ve got to go to this meeting. Good luck with the car. WINGNUT I’ll have it purring when you get back. 15

INT. MEETING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Burns room. in an takes

15

and Smithers join all the other crews in the briefing The PRESIDENT OF THE HOT ROD CIRCUIT, a dignified man immaculate suit with a beautiful swath of grey hair, the stage.

28.

PRESIDENT OF THE HOT ROD CIRCUIT Gentleman, welcome to Miami. For those of you who don’t know me, I am the President of the hot rod circuit. I just want to tell you good luck, and be careful. As we all know, the year 1965 has not been perfect for America. However, this country remains strong, and the greatest land on the face of the Earth. These fans are here because they love hot rods, and in these oft troubling times we need people like you out there providing entertainment for these hard working, red blooded Americans. The word hero is thrown around too often these days, but I can stand here and tell you all that you are truly heroes. Now, let’s have a good, clean race. Everybody cheers, obviously, except one nefarious man, RAMON, wearing his bright red racing uniform. He’s such a diehard communist he won’t even deign to pretend to love America like it deserves to be loved. 16

INT. GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER

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Burns and Smithers return to the car. Wingnut, who is wearing a uniform again, is standing over the hot rod wiping off a wrench with a towel. BURNS How’s the car, Wingnut? WINGNUT I’ve got some bad news, dudes. That red fox did a real number on the brakes. I did my best to fix them, but they could give out at any time. SMITHERS Well, we don’t have any choice but to race. I’ve just got to go out there and drive. BURNS And I’m coming with you. SMITHERS What?

29.

BURNS I’m getting in that car with you. You focus on driving, I’ll be in the back keeping an eye on Ramon, manning the shotgun. Smithers put his hand out. SMITHERS Speedway Squad. Burns puts his hand atop Smithers’. BURNS Speedway Squad. Wingnut follows suit. WINGNUT Like, Speedway Squad. BURNS Now let’s burn rubber, baby! Smithers hops behind the wheel of the car and puts his helmet on. Burns gets in behind him and places his helmet on as well. Smithers starts the car and drives it out of the garage. Wingnut waves at them as they take off. 17

INT. RACE TRACK - MOMENTS LATER

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As Smithers tries to pull his car into place, a RACE OFFICIAL stops them. RACE OFFICIAL What’s going on here? Why are there two of you in the car? BURNS I’m riding with him. RACE OFFICIAL Is that a fact? BURNS Yes, sir. RACE OFFICIAL Well, the bylaws of the hot rod circuit strictly prohibit having more than one person in the car during the race. But... Just this one time I’ll let it slide. Now get out there!

30.

SMITHERS Thank you. The car pulls out onto the racetrack. Burns and Smithers are surrounded by a sea of gray pavement and other cars. The stands are full of excited fans. Smithers drives the car into its place on the starting line. Burns scans the field of drivers. He spots Ramon and locks in on him. The cars rev their engines. The green flag is waved. The race is on! Lots of exciting car race stuff happens. Smithers is still clearly Wheel Man, as he makes his way around the course. He weaves in and out of the way of cars as he improves his position in the race. There are near misses and some crashes and such. An announcer indicates how many laps are left now and then to let us know how much time has passed. Eventually, the Speedway Squad finds themselves in second place, right behind Ramon. Burns gets out his shotgun and begins firing at Ramon’s car, trying to hit a tire. Ramon dodges and weaves and Burns can’t connect. It’s the final lap. Smithers is closing in on Ramon. Suddenly, Ramon takes off across the track, heading for an exit. BURNS He’s trying to escape! After him! SMITHERS Hold on, I have to win this race first. BURNS What? Why? SMITHERS Because I promised a sick kid I would. BURNS So did I. Let’s do this. Smithers powers the car across the finish line. RACE TRACK ANNOUNCER (O.S.) And the winner is, Waylon “Wheel Man” Smithers. The crowd cheers, but Smithers does not head to victory lane. Instead, he veers across the track to chase down Ramon. They close in on him, but they can’t catch him before he gets out of the stadium.

31.

18

EXT. RACE TRACK - INSTANTANEOUSLY

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The two cars are now out on the streets of Miami, with Smithers chasing down Ramon. Burns fires a couple shots at Ramon’s car, but misses. After a little while, Smithers tries to brake the car, and realizes they are no longer working. SMITHERS The brakes have gone out! BURNS So what do we do? SMITHERS Well, I tell you what we don’t do. We don’t brake. It’s OK, I can handle it. The chase continues. The two to avoid hitting things, but the brakes cut. The two cars stroller is in the middle of

cars have to swerve frequently it gets harder for Smithers with take a corner. A WOMAN pushing a the road.

WOMAN WITH STROLLER My baby! Smithers has to swerve to miss her and the baby, which he is barely able to do. They take another turn, and a YOUNGER MAN and an OLDER MAN are trying to cross the road. YOUNGER MAN My grandfather! Smithers swerves again, once more avoiding disaster. This time, however, he ends up swerving into a taco stand, which breaks apart, sending taco shells and fixin’s everywhere. TACO STAND OWNER Dios mio! The chase is still on. SMITHERS Hold on, I think I know a shortcut. Smithers turns down an alley. It is full of fruit stands and clothing stands and a mariachi band. As people dive out of the way, Smithers plows through it all. A sombrero flies in the air before settling softly on the ground. The hot rod goes over a ramp, landing back on the street. Suddenly, Smithers and Burns are running parallel to Ramon. Smithers runs his car into Ramon’s, pushing them both through a chainlink fence and into a swimming pool, where the two cars finally are stopped. The three men scramble to get out of their cars.

32.

Ramon tries to swim away, with Burns chasing after him. They get out of the pool and the chase continues on foot briefly. They make their way over a fence into a park, at which point Burns tackles Ramon to the ground. He punches Ramon in the face, knocking him out. BURNS That’s for JFK! Burns walks back over to Smithers who is standing near the pool. BURNS (CONT’D) How are you doing? SMITHERS No worse for the wear. BURNS I’ve got to tell you, Waylon. You’re a hell of a driver. SMITHERS You’re pretty impressive yourself. A couple boxes of cigars float out from Ramon’s hot rod, with cigars floating away in the pool. BURNS Well, it looks like nobody is going to be smoking those cigars. Burns and Smithers share a laugh. 19

INT. THE CHIEF’S OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY

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Burns and Smithers are lounging in The Chief’s office smoking cigars while The Chief sits on top of his desk. He plops a couple Alka-Seltzers into a glass and gulps it down. THE CHIEF You two renegades are going to give me a heart attack! The Chief lights up a cigar of his own. THE CHIEF (CONT’D) Firing a shotgun on a race track? Damage to city streets, a destroyed taco truck, and on top of all that you wrecked your hot rod. This is 1965! Those don’t grow on trees.

33.

BURNS But we got the job done. We captured the communist and secured the cigars. SMITHERS Plus I won the race. THE CHIEF And all the winnings went to making amends for all the damage you two did. I tell you, you’re going to give me a heart attack. Do you think you get to play by your own rules? The rule it takes Liberty. concerns during a

BURNS I live by is that I do what to protect Uncle Sam and Lady By the way, are there any that my shooting a shotgun race blew our cover?

THE CHEIF No, don’t worry about that. I explained that all away. The Speedway Squad is safe. Now, if you two will excuse me, I’ve got a golf game with the Secretary of State to attend. SMITHERS It’s too bad you can’t drive as well as I do. All three men laugh heartily. Then, Wingnut stumbles into the room. THE CHIEF Hello there, Wingnut. What brings you up here? WINGNUT Well, um, I think you cats accidentally ended up with some cigars from my private stash. Burns, Smithers, and The Chief realize what he means, and that they’ve been accidentally smoking marijuana. They all panic and begin coughing and put their cigars out. Burns gets up and confronts Wingnut, who smiles sheepishly. Burns hits Wingnut over the head with his cap. Freeze frame. End of episode. I think we can crank 200 of these out.