Muddling To Marriage A “Let’s Talk About It” Fireside Slate Canyon YSA Ward – Jan. 19, 2014

Comments of former ward members who have married 1. Is there something wrong with me? As someone who was single for almost a decade since their mission you start to feel it more and more the older you get. Then one day you look back and all you know is how to be single. I really was very happy where I was at. The down side to having such a great ward is getting too comfortable and thinking that it can replicate a family relationship…, but it can't. For a very long time I was swayed by fear. I didn't want to mess up; to make the wrong choice. Previous bad experiences made me scared that the exact same thing would happen to me again. I became very selfish with my time and life and didn’t want to give it up. I was so caught up in my own life and thought that by adding someone into it, it would disrupt the pattern I’d set. (Well, it did… and it’s for the better.) I felt like I was cursed my whole life with the dating curse because I had never had much success. As an engineer my mind is trained to overanalyze.

Until you work through some of your personal issues and weaknesses, you may, to some degree, be keeping yourself from finding the qualities you seek in others.

2. What was the hardest thing in finally taking the leap? What did you personally have to overcome and how did you do it? I wasn’t scared of commitment. I was scared of marrying the wrong person. I was scared that I wouldn’t be happy, or that my marriage could end in divorce. My parents had a horrible marriage. As singles we are so quick to eliminate people as “options” over little things. We meet someone for the first time and we talk to them with judging eyes looking for their flaws or looking for them to make a mistake. I really had to stop looking for escape routes and acknowledge that there was a remarkable person right in front of my face. I thought of marriage as a scary and vulnerable thing that would only be fun if I was perfect. No one is perfect. I had to find what I love about others and look for that in a companion, and learn to let go of those little tiny annoyances. Once we stop being critical of the other person, life becomes WONDERFUL!!! Take a leap of faith. (And once you do, the answer truly comes.) I guess I would have to say that the hardest thing for me was letting go of the idea that someone should or would make me happy. I had to personally realize that I was responsible for making myself happy. The idea of having a list of “qualities” is selfish. It assumes that if I find someone who is suchand-such then I will be happy. I have come to believe that if we look to others for our happiness then we will likely be unhappy. If this is true, then finding someone who satisfies your list of conditions would achieve the opposite of what it was intended to do. The hardest thing for me to get over was my own selfishness. After being on my own and independent for the last 12 years I'd become quite self -involved. Yes, I would help and serve when I thought about it. I would do my best to magnify my callings and often I even did my visiting teaching. But I essentially did what I wanted, how I wanted, when I wanted, with people I wanted, where I wanted. Why not? I had nobody else to answer to. I came to a realization: a family (the end goal of any dating relationship) is about spending time together and doing what's best for the whole. Sometimes that means putting the needs of one above the other, even when both are justified. As soon as someone makes the relationship more about their needs than thinking of what the other needs at the time, it becomes unbalanced and unhealthy, whether it’s in how we spend time, or money, or whatever.

I have had to learn throughout my life that while the Lord loves me and guides me and is very involved in details of my life, He does not make decisions for me. That would undermine my agency, and He loves me too much to do that. He never chose who I dated or what my major was or where I lived, and I don't expect Him to do that in the future. Biggest thing… learning it was my choice. I didn't think it was fair that I had to make the choice; you have no idea who your spouse will turn into. But really, it's more than fair. Waiting for Heavenly Father to tell me who I should marry was a refusal to own up to my responsibility and accountability. I wanted to have someone to pin a bad decision on. If the marriage didn’t work out or if any problems arose it would have been Heavenly Fathers fault, not mine. I wanted a guarantee, and I didn't want to be held accountable for my choice. We place on ourselves unnecessary expectations when it comes to dating and we underestimate the importance free agency plays. … I finally got rid of all the picky little criteria I had invented and simply asked: "Is this the person I want to be the mother of my children?" [President Heaton says to the men: The only really important question to ask yourself is: if something were to happen to you would she get our children to the celestial kingdom?] The longer I dated him, the more I sensed his commitment to the Lord, to me, and to other people. And it quickly became a no-brainer to get married. We went on our first few dates and I was still guarded. I was self-conscious when we went out. I wasn't opening myself to be vulnerable at all. I didn't do anything that would have made me uncomfortable, or would run the risk of getting hurt. A friend told me "neither of you are doing anything to make yourselves vulnerable, so you're never going to get anywhere". I knew he was right. I decided that I didn't want to spend the next how many years wondering if maybe it could have worked, so I decided that I would tell “Xylophone” that I liked him. I had decided that I preferred rejection to not knowing, so I asked him to let me know how he felt about me. That opened up a conversation that completely changed things for us both. The emotional connection had enough vulnerability (honesty) to allow the physical connection to be much better. Understanding yourself, how you interact with others, how you react to the actions of others, how you make decisions; these are all things that can better prepare you for marriage, especially the sisters. Take this “single” time to better understand your strengths and your weaknesses, work on your emotional intelligence, and learn how to communicate how you feel and why. I was not sure how “attracted” I was. But attraction is a very fluid thing, and there is so much outside of someone's physical composure that creates attraction. The second hurdle came when it was time to decide to get married. This hurdle was more about me having poor radar for what romantic love feels like. I knew I cared about him very much, I knew I had love for him, I knew I was attracted, but I didn't feel that intensity, and I didn't know if I needed to, so I was scared to proceed without it. I wasn't sure if I loved him "enough". Be brave and take risks. You have to be willing to mess up, to get hurt and to risk hurting someone else if you want to be able to make real progress in a relationship.

The Lord endorsed this relationship and got me where I needed to be. He isn’t going to make you miserable without letting you know you are doing the wrong thing. I finally had to seek for direction for "me," and to stop worrying about what others thought, but to "GO AND DO" what the Lord wanted for "me. I really feel that rejection is the biggest inhibitor of dating activity in our ward and stake. If you decide to ask a girl out on a date she may say No a time or two. You have to prime the pump; don’t be discouraged if no water comes out at first. I determined that dating friends was the better way to date. Finding new girls at the library or in class or at stake functions provided a never ending supply of girls, but it was never very fruitful for me. We first became great friends. The invitation for marriage came later. I just love being married. “Oboe” isn't perfect. There are things about him that could drive me crazy, but I LOVE him, and that is what makes everything work out and worthwhile. We find the balance together and it makes us all the happier. I suffer from anxiety when it comes major life changes/decisions. During the nearly 10 years that I was dating I went through a cyclical pattern of dating a girl for a while and then when the topic of marriage came up I would get really nervous and eventually break off the relationship. For a long time I didn't think of that nervousness as an actual psychological barrier to moving forward, called anxiety. I just thought the decision must not have been right; maybe it was the "wrong" girl or "bad timing", or maybe I wasn't "ready." There was always an excuse. I remember feeling confused by my pattern of behavior because the spirit had confirmed to me on numerous occasions over the years that I needed to get married and that I would not be able to progress in the ways I desired without being married. I had a fear that if I got married, it meant giving up all my hopes, dreams and other goals in life. I feared that I would lose myself. Though I genuinely desired to be a wife and mother and those were two of my sincerest aspirations, I was afraid that those two things would require me to give up all my other hopes, goals and passion for life. I was worried there would not be room left in life to pursue other things, as well. I was wrong. Marrying the right person is empowering. It enables you to see your goals/aspirations in the right perspective letting go of those that are less important, enabling you to pursue the more important ones with greater focus and commitment. It has deepened my passion for life, which I didn't know was possible. I look back on the experience now and wonder why it was so difficult because marriage has been a wonderful adventure with my sweet wife. [While my experiences in getting here were hard] I wouldn't change a thing on my journey because I learned so much along the way and my path lead to me to my beautiful wife who was aware of all of my feelings and fears and helped me through them. I really didn’t like all the marriage advice I’d get from church leaders. They really didn’t understand the world YSAs live in and how I felt. But you know what? Two months after I was married all those things that were really hot buttons for me just didn’t seem important at all.

One of my misconceptions was how large a role intimacy plays in marriage. It is important and I don't want to marginalize it. If you communicate well, it is a sweet and tender experience. It affects almost every other aspect of your marriage. But it is a much smaller part of companionship than I or my roommates commonly thought, or the frequency with which media refers to it. The Lord's timing is real. This doesn't mean that you're sitting on your hands until He says "okay, Go!", it means that things are happening in your life and to you that are positioning you for that person, or for where the Lord wants to take you. Even though I knew “Saxophone” for years before we married, I saw so many little decisions I had made that made the timing of our marriage so much more successful, things I don't think I could have expedited. There is a plan, you are not forgotten to your Heavenly Father and His timing is perfect. For my husband and I, had things happened for us literally one month earlier or one month later, we may have missed each other.

3. What is the biggest misconception you had about marriage? How do you see it now? It has been strangely a lot easier than I expected. Yes, a marriage requires sacrifice. But you know what? It doesn't feel like sacrifice. I can honestly say for both me and my wife that our marriage has never felt "hard" or like "work", just complete happiness. Going on a mission was hard, I left everyone I loved behind. Getting married is just the opposite; I get to spend every day with the person I love most. Marriage has erased the lonely and empty feeling I felt as a single person. I feel more satisfied, at ease, and at peace married than I did single even during the days of biggest frustration. Marriage makes you concerned for someone else, trying to make their life better and in turn yours becomes better. Marriage provides a reliable companion to help you work through your weaknesses. [She asked] “What is the best thing about being married to me?” I replied, “I hadn’t expected it, but it seems that a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A weight I didn’t know I was carrying, and I still don’t know what it is, but I am happier. I suppose it was an emotional weight.” I’m still not entirely sure what that weight was. I wasn’t an unhappy person as a single; but I do now know that it is not good for men to be alone. When I look from this position back to my single friends the answers seem so easy; pick your best friend and get married, be happy. Biggest misconception for me was that I was in charge of everything!! …cooking for my husband, cleaning the house, doing all of the laundry, picking up after my husband, etc. After marrying I have realized that we are both doing this together, and it is not all on me to do it all.

I think if anything, being married to “French horn” has been so much better and felt easier than I thought it could be. Another misconception was that marriage would be so happy and easy all of the time. Adjusting to another person can be difficult and life isn't always easy, but learning how to truly love someone brings more happiness than I thought was possible. Happiness depends on what I do for him more than ANYTHING! I had to get rid of thinking about me all of the time, and think of him. Being the 9th of 10 kids with 8 previously married with kids they shared a lot with me about what to expect and not, and also the fact that our life would be different than theirs and so not to sweat the small stuff because in the end it’s not important. I didn't realize was how stressful wedding plans were and the few days leading up to it. “Violin” continually was stressing so I tried to help where I could, which I think helped, but the closer we got to the day the more stress built up. Definitely worth it. The biggest misconception I had about marriage was the idea that I would become a different person or that life would be fundamentally different when I got married. Nothing could be further from the truth. You wake up the next day and you're the same person you've always been. Everyone told me marriage is “so hard” and that when people get older they are “more set in their ways and harder to live with”, so I somewhat expected it to be like that. It is true that marriage takes work. But, as long as you are honest and communicate well with each other, it’s not nearly as hard as living on your own. We are happy. I am happy because she is happy, and that is what matters. Her hair color doesn’t make me happy, her money doesn’t make me happy, her skills don’t make me happy, her education doesn’t make me happy. In seeking for happiness many pass up happiness lest it should make them unhappy. Married life is AMAZING!!! It is a pretty neat feeling to focus your entire attention on someone and forget about yourself. I love how much love I feel for someone, and how I think that I couldn't love him more, than I do. I love it! It is also so fun to keep learning about each other, and to start thinking and saying the same things! I grow to love him more and more each day. Sister Van Orman and I add… We married in our mid-20s with a shared testimony of the Gospel and full of innocent romantic love. It was a leap of faith, emboldened by our hope and trust in the Lord. Forty-nine years later we joyfully testify to you that walking through life’s trials hand-in-hand has refined us in a lovely way. We have buoyed each other up in our times of trial. Our love has gotten deeper, softer and sweeter, even our physical love. We truly love each other more each day. (Know this sounds cliché, but give it a test.) We have grown and gotten better, because of each other’s help. We have shared the rich blessings the Lord has chosen to give to our companion, as well as to our companionship. Time has given us perspective on the Lord’s great and glorious plan for our happiness and eternal love. God’s great plan of happiness for us brings true happiness.