Take Heart Practices and Meditations
David Richo -- 2014
♥ Something, we know not what, is always and everywhere lovingly at work, we know not how, so we can release the abundant potentials of love, wisdom, and healing that are in us all and for which the world is waiting: One Sacred Heart, never apart.
Table of Contents
Our Commitments to Loving-Kindness and Integrity
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Letting Go of Ego
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Being Here Now
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Deepening Ourselves through Enquiry and Reflection
11
There is Hope in Our Limitations and Breakdowns
13
Loving-Kindness Practice
15
Grace: The Gift Dimension of Life
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Our Daily Dedication
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Our Commitments to Loving-Kindness and Integrity 1. I do my best to keep my word, honor commitments, and follow through on the tasks I agree to do. 2. I am making every effort to abide by standards of rigorous honesty and respect in all my dealings no matter how others act toward me. 3. I forego taking advantage of anyone because of his or her ignorance, misfortune, or financial straits. My question is not “What can I get away with?” but “What is the right thing to do?” If I fall down in this, I can admit it, make amends, and resolve to act differently next time. Now I apologize more easily and willingly when necessary. 4. If someone is overly generous toward me or has an exaggerated sense of obligation to me, I do not want to exploit his or her lack of boundaries. Instead, I want to express appreciation and work out an equitable way of interacting. 5. I keep examining my conscience with true candor. I take searching inventories not only about how I may have harmed others, but also about how I may not have activated my potentials or shared my gifts, how I may still be holding on to prejudices or the will to retaliate, how I may still not be as loving, inclusive, and open as I can be. 6. I welcome well-intentioned feedback that shows me where I am less caring, where less tolerant, where less open about my real feelings than I can be. When I am 1
shown up as a pretender or called on being mean or inauthentic, I am not defensive but take it as information about what I have to work on. I appreciate positive feedback also. 7. I am letting go of the need to keep up appearances or to project a false or overly-impressive self-image. Now I want to appear as I am, without pretense and no matter how unflattering. 8. I do not want to use any charms of body, word, or mind to trick or deceive others. I choose not to try to ingratiate myself with someone in order to get on his good side. I am not obsequious toward authority figures. Being loved for who I am has become more important— and more interesting—than upholding or advancing the ever-shaky status of my ego. 9. As I say yes to the reality of who I am, with pride in my gifts and unabashed awareness of my limits, I notice that I can love myself and that I become more lovable too. 10. I now measure my success by how much steadfast love I have, not by how much I have in the bank, how much I achieve in business, how much status I have attained, or how much power I have over others. The central—and most exhilarating—focus of my life is to show my love in the style that is uniquely mine, in every way I can, here and now, always and everywhere, no one excluded. 11. I am learning to trust others when the record shows they can be trusted while I, nonetheless, commit myself to being trustworthy regardless of what others may do. I am always open to rebuilding trust when it has been broken, if the other person is willing. 12. I remain open to reconcile with others after conflict. At the same time, I am learning to release—with love and without blame—those who show themselves to be 2
unwilling to relate to me respectfully. I accept the given of sudden unexplained silence or rejection by others and will not use that style myself. 13. I am learning to be assertive by asking for what I need without fear or inhibition. I ask without demand, expectation, manipulation, or a sense of entitlement. I show respect for the timing and choices of others by being able to take no for an answer. 14. If people occasionally hurt me, I can say “Ouch!” and ask to open a dialogue. I may ask for amends but I can drop the topic if they are not forthcoming. No matter what, I do not choose to get even, hold grudges, keep a record of wrongs, or hate anyone. “What goes around comes around” has become “May what goes around come around in a way that helps him or her learn and grow.” I am thereby hoping for the transformation of others rather than retribution against them. 15. I never give up on believing that everyone has an innate goodness and that being loved can contribute to bringing it out. 16. I do not let others abuse me but I want to interpret their harshness as coming from their own pain and as a sadly confused way of letting me know they need connection but don’t know how to ask for it in healthy ways. I recognize this with concern not with censure or scorn. I do not gloat over the sufferings or defeats of those who have hurt me. “It serves them right!” has changed to: “May this serve to help them evolve.” 17. I do not knowingly hurt or intend to offend others. I act kindly toward others not to impress or obligate them but because I really am kind —or working on it. If others fail to thank me or to return my kindness, that does not have to stop me from behaving lovingly nonetheless. 3
18. I am practicing ways to express my anger against unfairness directly and nonviolently rather than in abusive, bullying, threatening, blaming, out-of-control, or passive ways. 19. I have a sense of humor but not at the expense of others. I want to use humor to poke fun at human foibles, especially my own. I do not engage in ridicule, mocking, put-downs, digs, barbs, snide or bigoted remarks, sarcasm or “comebacks.” When others use hurtful humor toward me I want to feel the pain in both of us and look for ways to bring more mutual respect into our communication. 20. I do not look at anyone with contempt or laugh at people for their mistakes and misfortunes but look for ways to be understanding and supportive. 21. I notice how in some groups there are people who are humiliated or excluded. Rather than be comforted that I am still safely an insider, especially by gossiping about them, I want to sense the pain in being an outsider. Then I can reach out and include everyone in my circle of love, compassion, and respect. 22. I look at other people and their choices with intelligent discernment but without censure. I still notice the shortcomings of others and myself, but now I am beginning to see them as facts to deal with rather than flaws to be criticized or be ashamed of. Accepting others as they are has become more important than whether they are what I want them to be. 23. I avoid Criticizing, Interfering, or giving Advice that is not specifically asked for. I take care of myself by staying away from those who use this CIA approach toward me, while still holding them in my spiritual circle of loving-kindness. 4
24. I am willing to participate in the harmless conventions and social rituals that make others happy, for example, family dinners or acknowledgment of birthdays. When a situation becomes toxic, I excuse myself without rancor. 25. I am less and less competitive in relationships at home and work and find happiness in cooperation and community. I shun situations in which my winning means that others lose in a humiliating way. 26. In intimate bonds, I honor equality, keep agreements, work on problems, and act in respectful and trustworthy ways. My goal is not to use a relationship to gratify my ego but to dispossess myself of ego to gratify the relationship. Also, I respect the boundaries of others’ relationships. 27. I want my sexual style to adhere to the same standards of integrity and loving-kindness that apply in all areas of my life. More and more, my sexuality expresses love, passion, and joyful playfulness. I remain committed to a responsible adult style of relating and enjoying. 28. Confronted with the suffering in the world, I do not turn my eyes away, nor do I get stuck in blaming God or humanity but simply ask: “What then shall I do? What is the opportunity in this for my practice of lovingkindness?” I keep finding ways to respond even if they have to be minimal: “It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.” 29. I want my caring concern to extend to the world around me. I am committing myself to working for justice in nonviolent ways. I support restorative rather than retributive justice. I am distressed and feel myself called to action by violations of human rights, nuclear armaments, economic oppression, racial injustice, and ecological exploitation. 5
30. I tread with care on the earth with what St. Bonaventure called, “a courtesy toward natural things.” 31. I appreciate that whatever love or wisdom I may have or show comes not from me but through me. I give thanks for these encouraging graces and say yes to the stirring call to live up to them. 32. I am not hard on myself when I fail to live up to these ideals. I just keep practicing earnestly. The sincerity of my intention and my ongoing efforts feel like the equivalent of success. I am letting go of perfectionism and of guilt about not being perfect. 33. I do not think I am above other people because I honor this list. I do not demand that others follow it. 34. I am sharing this list with those who are open to it. 35. I keep believing that someday these commitments can become the style not only of individuals but of groups in the world community: corporate, political, religious.
May I show all the love I have In any way I can Today and everyday, To everything and everyone, including me, Since love is what I'm here to give and be. Now nothing matters to me more than love Or gives me greater joy.
Based on: Coming Home to Who You Are (Shambhala, 2012)
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Letting Go of Ego 1. Let go of your fear of having to admit you do not know something or of having to ask for help. 2. Accept feedback as information not as criticism, even when it is meant that way. 3. Apologize when you know you are wrong or when you are shown to be wrong. 4. Let go of any attempts to control, dominate, or manipulate others. 5. Cooperate rather than compete. 6. Give up having to take center-stage. It’s OK to be a big shot just don’t act that way. 7. Trade in your own ego investment for the good of the group project. 8. Work conflicts out with people rather than be resentful, pout, hold a grudge, or use the silent treatment. Assume the conflict is not bigger than your mutual ability to resolve it. 9. Look for ways to reconcile rather than retaliate. 10. Forgive those who wrong you even when they won't admit it—and stop telling the story of how they offended you. 11. Give people leeway and make allowances for their errors rather than pointing out or picking them up on every little thing they do that irks you.
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12. Do good to those who hate you, pray for or wish enlightenment for those who have failed, disappointed, betrayed, or mistreated you. 13. Be open to appreciation or thanks when it is forthcoming and maintain equanimity when it is not. 14. See losing face (and all these suggestions) as opportunities for growth in humility. Here are commitments that can help release us from ego posturing:
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We notice and admit how our ego is acting but with loving-kindness not self-condemnation or shame.
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We hold our ego gyrations with a good-natured humor that finds something touching and amusing in them.
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We work with ego-energy so that we don’t have to act on it. Now our actions are conscious choices not instinctive reflexes.
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We look for ways to redirect our ego energies toward what can be of help or service to others.
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We are thankful for the grace that made this change in us possible—even it took the form of a hard-hitting comeuppance.
Our adult task is to work indefatigably with the ego’s deceptions— using skillful means, not easy–outs. –Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche
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Being Here Now We sometimes surround feelings and experiences with buffers that keep us safe from fully feeling them. Some of these buffers are: a story, a familiar belief about ourselves, an addictive habit, or a hastening to fix, change, or control our feeling or situation. These are all ways of doing something rather than simply being with what is happening to us. Here is an example of the process we usually put ourselves through: At some time, you were lonely. Immediately, without conscious effort or choice, you probably took some inner or outer action. You thought or did something. For instance, you told yourself the story of how no one really wants to be with you, maybe even noticing evidence of that going all the way back to childhood. You thereby confirmed your habitual belief about yourself as a victim, someone unlovable or unworthy. You may have felt anxiety or fear that things would get a lot worse if you just sat there and felt lonely. (Actually, the story and beliefs are what make that happen, not the loneliness itself.) In a panic, you turned to an addictive behavior, or you called someone or turned on the TV to keep you company, or you ate something—or did whatever usually works to distract you from your actual condition in the moment. You can befriend the demon of loneliness—or any demon—using a simple, but perhaps at first scary, practice: Freeze-frame yourself, stay put as soon as any feeling or state of mind arises. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, to stay put in your experience, as fully as you can for one more minute than you can stand. 9
Have a positive buffer lined up, something that is nurturant and has no story, belief, or addiction attached to it. For instance, take a walk or go for a run in nature, read or write in your journal, or if eating does it for you, make it a carrot. Then and only then, go to your usual buffers, if you still want to. Each time you simply let yourself sit still for that one more moment, you make an exponential contribution to becoming more comfortable with yourself, trusting your feelings, your immediate experience. Eventually, staying with yourself will be more interesting than using a buffer. The story, the beliefs, and the actions that are meant to reverse your experience become unnecessary and even amusing to you. You have entered your own reality rather than run from it. We gain equanimity: we are no longer assaulted or destabilized by events in our lives. They now happen as givens and opportunities not penalties or victimizations. In other words, we have learned to handle them with serenity when they can't be changed, courage when they can be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference. We notice, with joy, that we trust the universe and our manifold inner resources so much more. What began as a feeling or predicament we felt we had to avoid at all costs, became an opportunity for practice and growth. The demon has become an ally.
From: Daring to Trust (Shambhala, 2010)
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Deepening Ourselves through Enquiry and Reflection We deepen our sense of ourselves and our life when we enquire into and reflect on what we are up to. This happens when we look into what is going on or what has gone on. Here is an outline of how an enquiry can proceed. We ask ourselves a question and reflect on it. We can delve into a happening, a choice, a predicament, a relationship. We ask ourselves about meanings, motivations, and impact. Our responses show us how we are holding our experience and what it is really about. Questions like these may help: •
How does this matter? How important is this to me?
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Which of my needs is this fulfilling or not fulfilling? Is this relay of my needs and the responses I get from others reminiscent of childhood?
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What feelings come up? Do I fear showing my real feelings here?
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What am I really up to in all this? What is my given motivation and how does it compare to a motivation that might be lurking under it?
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Is this a metaphor for something much bigger that I have not yet discovered?
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How does this contribute to my personal growth?
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Does this move me along on or interfere with my journey?
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How much agreement is there between my heart, mind, and gut about this? 11
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Does this release and show the wholeness that is in me: Does it fit with my integrity, my health, my conscience, my calling, my spirituality?
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With love as my life purpose, how is this helping me have more of it and show it more abundantly?
Affirmations When Facing a Predicament •
As I face things as they are, without self-deception or wishful thinking, my predicament becomes a path.
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Since all predicaments teach and awaken me, I can be grateful for the opportunity they offer me to practice mindfulness and loving-kindness.
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I do not push my predicament away; I find ways to lean on it.
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I choose to have no escape hatch. I am not trying to fix or control the situation I find myself in. I am letting the chips fall where they may.
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My Yes to what is and to how I and others are is unconditional.
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Now I trust that everything that happens to me is somehow a grace from the Sacred Heart of the universe, a light that will not go out, enfolding me and unfolding in me.
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I say Yes to the path with heart.
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By the way I handle this predicament, may all beings be happy and free of fear.
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May all people find the path to unconditional acceptance and contentment. From: The Power of Coincidence (Shambhala, 2007) 12
There is Hope in Our Limitations and Breakdowns Some crises seem like signs of unalterable disaster but they can be preparations for major changes for the better, drivers of evolutionary change, ignitions of transformation. They can be the necessary ingredients for major shifts to happen. When all seems, or is lost, innovations can suddenly appear since necessity is the mother of invention. A breakdown can be the threshold to rebirth. When we are in a quandary, when what we had relied on is crumbling all around us, when we are floundering, losing our bearings, awkward and unsure, we are definitely on the threshold of the heroic journey. Then our struggle is not to restore ourselves and everything to its original stable condition. It is to pause long enough to flow with the quaking. We are then most apt to find surprising alternatives. In loss, in trauma, in helplessness, in depression an inner power may emerge. It is not arising from hope; it grants hope. It is not showing us where safety and security can be found; it is the safety and security of the heart in the midst of chaos and dismay. We can create ourselves anew from the ashes of dissipation. This is why the neural plasticity of the brain, present throughout our lifespan, is so crucial to the fostering of our psychological health. It is never too late for our transition from breakdown to upgrade. Even in our most unsettled, ungrounded state we can discover remedies in our wounds, new strengths from the rubble of our predicaments. 13
This is the alchemy of the human condition: In the crucible of our collapses, dislocations, injuries, and miseries there is gold to be found in the lead that weighed us down. All it takes is our unconditional yes to ourselves as we are and to going on to what comes next. Then we will find ourselves on a new path, one on which we will feel good about ourselves because we are acting with self-support, powerful because we are embracing our defenselessness, resilient because we are no longer threatened by changes or endings. Buddhist teacher Dogen Zenji, wrote: “Even in the muddiest puddle the entire full moon is reflected.” So, after all that has happened to us, no matter how disheartening, the full moon of love within us can still shine boldly. Life experiences can rob us of serenity. World events can scare and sadden us. What people do to us can hurt our hearts. Distresses and discouragements can pile up on us. Griefs can weigh us down. We can make one mistake after another, even repeat the same ones. But nothing can divest us of our capacity to love. There is love in our hearts and nothing can stop us from displaying it. Daredevils like us will certainly keep chancing love’s radical and reckless leap—no matter how messed up we think we are or how messed up other people say we are. From: How to be an Adult in Love: Letting Love in Safely and Showing it Recklessly (Shambhala, 2013) 14
Loving-Kindness Practice Personal commitment to spirituality includes consciousness of the world and its needs. Our prayers and affirmations are never for ourselves alone, as we are not selves alone, but for humanity too. Loving-kindness is a practice that makes this connectedness come to life. The practice of loving-kindness consists of sending/ granting love, compassion, joy, and equanimity to ourselves, to those we love, to those toward whom we are indifferent, to those with whom we have difficulties or who are enemies, and finally to all people everywhere. We begin by asking for the four immeasurable graces—love, compassion, joy, equanimity—from the Sacred Heart of the Universe or a higher power as you see it. We express gratitude as we see ourselves becoming more loving, compassionate, joyful, and acceptant of “fortune’s buffets and rewards with equal thanks,” as Hamlet describes equanimity. In loving-kindness we ask for the four graces for ourselves first and then for others. The fact that loving-kindness practice begins with a love of oneself reminds us that it is not selfish to love ourselves. Friendliness toward oneself is an appropriate place for love to begin. A spirituality of heart means that we treat ourselves with gentleness and nurturance. We are letting go of hating ourselves and of falling prey to our inner critic. Instead of the critical voice that puts us down, we speak to ourselves with encouraging words. This is a self-compassionate re-evaluation of oneself. It is also a mystical realization that we—and all beings— are divinely loving at our core, i.e., have ineradicable goodness. 15
Loving-kindness also means showing friendly love of others in compassionate, caring, and kind ways. Compassion is not to be thought of as a duty. It wants to happen. The heart automatically responds to pain compassionately. We can override this inclination with ego layerings such as control, criticism, envy, attachment to an outcome, vindictive rejoicing in others’ pain, or fear of having to become gentle, generous, or loving toward others or even toward ourselves. Loving-kindness means beaming love, happiness, and serene light to all beings. This can convert the world and all beings to the enlightened path. We are not proselytizing since we use the practice silently. Loving-kindness means we never give up on others but always trust that loving wins over, transforms, and opens any person. We join in that way by loving-kindness practices. We cannot be afraid to ask for too much or that we might give too much. When people turn against us or act unfairly toward us, we are understandably angry. Yet their behavior is also an opportunity to show loving-kindness, a spiritual practice. They can help us learn how to love our opponents, how to do good to those who hate us, how to bless those who curse us, how to pray for those who mistreat and misunderstand us.
From: The Sacred Heart of the World and How to be an Adult in Faith and Spirituality (Both books from Paulist Press)
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Grace: The Gift Dimension of Life Contained in this short life Are magical extents. -Emily Dickinson We can understand grace as an unearned benefit from a transcendent source meant for a psychological or spiritual purpose. We can take this basic definition phrase by phrase to see the criteria by which we can know whether an event or realization in our life might be a grace: “Unearned” means that it is not the result of action, effort, or merit on our part. Grace is pure gift. “Transcendent source” is a mysterious, that is, unknowable and unexplainable, power or force that is beyond— that transcends—human making, natural causes, or purely random chance. But even though these three cannot cause grace, they can be channels of grace: Human actions and the wonders of nature can be vehicles of grace when they help us move along on our spiritual path. Chance can be a channel of grace when it is not mere random coincidence but something that is recognizably meaningful—something that makes a difference in our lives in a long-lasting and purposeful way. A “psychological purpose” is fulfillment of ourselves by freely and unashamedly being who we really are and living in accord with our deepest needs, values, and wishes. A “spiritual purpose” refers to what is beneficial for our evolving toward our destiny: Our personal destiny is to fulfill ourselves by showing all the love we have, acting wisely, and making the most of our talents. Our collective destiny is to 17
share our gifts for the good of all beings and to co-create a world of justice, peace, and love. This happens when we feel a shift deep in ourselves from primitive ways of behaving, for example, infighting, to a more evolved style, cooperating. In that sense, grace is how the story of evolution happens within an individual. With these criteria in mind, we can summarize how to assess whether what has happened to us or is happening now is a grace: Was this or will this turn out to be ultimately beneficial? Did this come from beyond my ego, something I could not make happen by producing, earning, or meriting it? Did this have a meaning and purpose that helps me manifest my inner wholeness psychologically or spiritually? Does this shift me into a higher consciousness than my ego could have reached on its own? Number 1 describes grace as a gift. Number 2 describes grace as transcendent. Number 3 describes grace as a guide to our fulfillment and our destiny. Grace is a gift to which we can say yes or no. Love, however, is only yes, a commitment to do all that it takes to maintain and sustain a caring connection. That yes is how we give to others what grace bestows on us.
From: The Power of Grace: Recognizing Unexpected Gifts on the Path (Shambhala, October, 2014)
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Our Daily Dedication
I say Yes to everything that happens to me today as an opportunity to give and receive love without reserve. I am thankful for the enduring capacity to love that has come to me from the Sacred Heart of the universe. May everything that happens to me today open my heart more and more. May all that I think, say, feel, and do express loving-kindness toward myself, those close to me, and all beings. May love be my life purpose, my bliss, my destiny, the richest grace I can receive or give. And may I always be especially compassionate toward people who are considered least or last or who feel alone or lost. -David Richo: How to be an Adult in Love (Shambhala, 2013) davericho.com
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