Tex King, the Humming Cowboy From The Last Radio Show by Todd Wallinger A parody of those old-time radio cowboy shows. In it, TEX and his loyal sidekick HAYSEED are hot on the trail of a pair of female bank robbers. This can be performed with just four actors if one of them reads the NARRATOR’s part.

NARRATOR CALAMITY JANE CATASTROPHE JOAN TEX HAYSEED

NARRATOR: Return with us now to the days of the Old West, when outlaws ruled the range and the good citizens of Hicksville, Nevada, counted on one man to keep them safe. A man known for his keen eye, his impeccable aim and his inability to remember song lyrics. That's right. It's time for Tex King, The Humming Cowboy. When we last left our story, Calamity Jane and Catastrophe Joan were fleeing with the bags of gold they stole from the Hicksville Bank. CALAMITY: Well, Catastrophe, I'm sure glad you agreed to join me on this job. I don't know what I'd do without your constant chatter to keep me entertained. CATASTROPHE: Hold on, Calamity. Do you see what I see? CALAMITY: You mean those two cowboys staring at the ground? CATASTROPHE: Yep. CALAMITY: I wonder what they're doing. CATASTROPHE: Maybe they're trying to track us. CALAMITY: I doubt it, Catastrophe. They're a hundred yards ahead of us. CATASTROPHE: Wow. They must be really good trackers then.

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CALAMITY: Or really really bad ones. CATASTROPHE: You know, if we sneak up behind them, we could steal everything they've got. CALAMITY: No, this ground is too rocky. The cowboys will hear us before we get within fifty feet of them. CATASTROPHE: I guess you're right. Hey, do you hear that owl hooting? That gives me an idea. CALAMITY: What? You want to get the owl to rob them? CATASTROPHE: No. I was thinking we could cover our footsteps by hooting like that owl. CALAMITY: Wow, Genius! You're a catastrophe! I mean, wow, Catastrophe! You're a genius! CATASTROPHE: I have got to get a new nickname. TEX: Meanwhile, just a short distance away, Tex and his trusty sidekick Hayseed continue their search for the two fugitives. TEX: Hey, Hayseed. We've been walking in circles for over an hour. Do you even see their footprints anymore? HAYSEED: No, Tex. I think we lost them. TEX: Darn it. I knew we should have turned left when we came to that river. HAYSEED: We couldn't have turned left. Don't you remember? That river was a right turn only. TEX: You know, Hayseed, I don't reckon that was a real traffic sign. HAYSEED: What makes you say that? TEX: Because it's 1873. Traffic signs ain't been invented yet. HAYSEED: I guess you're right, Tex. You think we should head back to town? TEX: Naw. It's getting dark. We're going to have to bed down here. HAYSEED: Gee, Tex. I don't think we can bed down.

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TEX: Why? Didn't you pack the blankets? HAYSEED: Sure. They're in my saddlebags. TEX: And didn't you pack the pillows? HAYSEED: Those are in my saddlebags too. TEX: Then what's the matter? HAYSEED: I forgot the saddlebags. TEX: Aw, Hayseed. You'd forget your own head if I hadn't glued it to your hat. Here. You tie up the horses. I'll start a fire. HAYSEED; All right, Tex. TEX; First, I'll gather some sticks. Then I'll light them with my flint. Ah. That fire sure does warm the soul. Don't it, Hayseed? HAYSEED; I can't feel a thing over here. Can't you make it any warmer? TEX: Hold on. How's that? HAYSEED; Nope. Still can't feel it. TEX; Wait a minute. There. Is that hot enough for you? HAYSEED: It's not hot enough for me, but it sure is hot enough for Old Paint. TEX: Why do you say that? HAYSEED: Because he just ran away. TEX: Dagnabbit, Hayseed! I thought I told you to tie up my horse! HAYSEED: I did tie him up. TEX: What did you tie him to? HAYSEED: My horse. TEX: Well, that's just great. Now we'll never see those horses again. HAYSEED: I hope they remember to write. (CALAMITY and CATASTROPHE make hooting sounds.)

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TEX: Hey, what's that sound? HAYSEED: Sorry. I had an extra helping of beans at dinner. TEX: I don't mean that sound. I mean that crazy hooting. HAYSEED: Oh. I reckon that's an owl, Tex. TEX: Naw, Hayseed. That's no owl. That's got to be a woman. In fact, it's two women, one blonde and the other brunette. The blonde is packing a Colt Single Action Army Revolver and the brunette has a Spencer Repeating Rifle. HAYSEED: Wow. That's some pretty good detective work, Tex. How did you know? TEX: Because they're standing right in front of us. CALAMITY: Good evening, cowboys. HAYSEED: Who are you? CATASTROPHE: We're the outlaws you've been trailing. HAYSEED: Wait a minute. You can't be outlaws. You're women. CALAMITY: This is the nineteenth century, cowboy. Women have the same right to break the law that men do. HAYSEED: That don't make a lick of sense. And stop calling me "cowboy". I prefer the term "livestock engineer". CALAMITY: All right, "livestock engineer". Give us all your money. HAYSEED: We ain't got no money. TEX: We lost it in the river. CALAMITY: All right then. Give us all your horses. HAYSEED: We ain't got no horses. TEX: They ran away. CALAMITY: Well, you've got to give us something. CATASTROPHE: I know. How about you hand over your saddlebags?

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HAYSEED: (To TEX.) Do you want to tell her or should I? CALAMITY: Oh, come on. You can't expect us to go away empty-handed. CATASTROPHE: Yeah. Don't you have anything you can give us? TEX: How about a little song? CALAMITY: Actually, we're running late for our Creative Horse Thieving class, so if you don't mind, we'll just be moseying along— (TEX hums, loudly and obnoxiously.) CALAMITY AND CATASTROPHE: We surrender! We surrender! TEX: You mean you'll give back all the gold you stole? CALAMITY: Yes, of course! Just please stop humming! TEX: Well, Hayseed. It looks like we did it. Once again, the bad guys have been defeated by truth, justice and the livestock consultant way. HAYSEED: But mostly your humming. NARRATOR: That's all the time we've got for this week. Come back again next week when Tex will use his musical gifts to subdue a herd of stampeding school marms.

To purchase the entire play, email the playwright at [email protected].

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