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THINK I CAN WATCH YOU JACK OFF? Shawn Von der Hellen September 29, 2011 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT KYLE and BRODY, both geeky fifteen year olds are spending the night at Kyle’s house. KYLE Susan is so hot. Did you see her boobs? They got HUGE over the summer. Brody is humoring Kyle with this conversation. BRODY Yeah, they’re big alright. And round. Speaking of getting big, did you see how much bigger Ace is this year? His biceps, like doubled. KYLE Sure, he looks a lot stronger. But man, Kelly Brockerton, I heard she had sex with Mike Freeson in the back of his car. BRODY (whimsically) Mike Freeson. Ahh, he has the bluest eyes, doesn’t he? Kyle thinks this is a bit off. KYLE Why do you keep talking about guys? Have you seen how quickly the girls in our class zoomed through puberty over the summer? That reminds me. What?

BRODY

KYLE I stole some of my dad’s titty magazines. I think that one of the girl’s looks just like Stacy Meister.

2. Kyle pulls some magazines out from under his mattress and opens one up. KYLE (CONT’D) There, look at her! Aren’t they spectacular. Plus, she has that mole on her chin just like Stacy. It’s uncanny, huh? BRODY I guess. Look, can I ask you a question? Sure.

KYLE

BRODY Think I can I watch you jack off? KYLE What, no. Faggot. What the fuck are you talking about? BRODY I think I’m gay, Kyle, and watching you jack off will let me know one way or another. KYLE Listen, we’ve been best friends since Kindergarten. How could you not tell me you’re gay. BRODY I don’t know if I’m gay. Which is why it would really help me to see you jack off. Close some doors for me. KYLE Well, I won’t and you can leave right now. This friendship is over! You’re such a fucking queer. BRODY I understand you’re angry and confused. I’m angry. I’m confused. I promise to never ask you another favor again, but please, can you just jack off for me. Please? I really need my best friend right now.

3. KYLE When you put it that way. (pause) You gonna tell someone if I do? BRODY No, stays between us until the grave. KYLE Okay, then. Kyle pulls down his pants and begins jacking off as Brody watches. Surprisingly its done very quickly despite the awkwardness. BRODY Thanks, man. That was really helpful. Cleared up a lot. KYLE So are you gay? BRODY Nope, but I severely underestimated how uncomfortable I would feel afterwards. I think its best if I go home now. KYLE You’re right. Wanna hang out tomorrow and play Gears of War? BRODY Probably not. Why?

KYLE

BRODY Because me watching you jack off was really a test. I’m not gay. I love girls, but you are obviously very, very gay. KYLE I was helping you out! BRODY No, you were helping yourself. I’ve long suspected you were a homo and now it’s clear that you are. (MORE)

4. BRODY (CONT'D) No 15 year old would jack off in front of his friend, unless he were queer. KYLE But you watched the whole time. Doesn’t that make you gay, too? BRODY Nope. I was just looking for pointers, figured you might know of some secret homo tricks. Pretty ordinary jack off episode actually. KYLE I guess I got egg on my face. BRODY And a bit of come. Blackout.