Tips  for  Talking  with  Children  about  the  Shooting  in  Orlando     Hard  times,  hard  conversations   As  parents,  it  can  be  hard  to  know  how  to  talk  about  tragedies  in  our  world  with  our  children.  The   horrific  shooting  of  49  primarily  Latino  young  LGBTQ  people  at  a  LGBTQ  club  in  Orlando  is  the  latest  in   an  ongoing  stream  of  mass  shootings  in  the  United  States.  This  was  a  targeted  effort  to  kill  LGBTQ   people  that  is  a  painful  reminder  of  the  persistence  of  homophobia,  alongside  gun  violence,  in  the   United  States.    While  children  in  many  of  our  families  –  and  we  as  parents  -­‐  endure  micro-­‐aggressions  of   racism,  homophobia  and  heterosexism,  able-­‐ism,  size-­‐ism,  classism,  sexism,  and  xenophobia  in  our   everyday  lives,  the  stark  and  violent  realities  of  these  forms  of  oppression  also  manifest  in  these  tragic   events  as  well.     The  decision  to  talk  with  our  children  about  a  tragic  event  is  a  personal  and  family  decision.  There  are   many  factors  to  consider,  including  age/developmental  appropriateness;  level  of  media  exposure  in  the   child’s  life;  family  and  community  context;  and  situational  factors,  to  name  a  few.  This  discussion   acknowledges  that  particularly  impacted  communities  may  find  that  talking  about  tragedies  affecting   our  communities  feels  too  close  to  home,  and  is  not  something  that  people  wish  to  burden  our  children   with,  in  addition  to  daily  challenges  and  experiences  of  discrimination.  These  are  all  valid  responses  and   only  you  will  know  what  is  best  for  your  family.     A  Family  Decision   We  chose  to  tell  our  two  children  (10  and  6  years  old)  about  what  happened  in  Orlando  before  they   heard  about  it  from  other  sources,  so  that  we  could  frame  the  conversation  around  key  points  with   intention,  avoid  their  hearing  any  inaccurate  or  reactionary  information  from  mainstream  media  or   unreliable  sources,  and  be  a  resource  for  any  questions  they  had  as  they  integrated  this  news.   Additionally,  as  a  LGBTQ  family,  we  knew  that  we  would  be  surrounded  by  members  of  our  LGBTQ   community  where  the  topic  was  likely  to  arise  (Pride  Parade,  friends  raising  the  topic  in  conversation),   and  also  wanted  to  draw  on  our  community  as  a  resource  and  form  of  engagement  through  which  our   children  could  feel  support  (vigils,  sense  of  community  etc.).       Tips  for  Talking   If  you  do  decide  to  talk  with  your  child,  or  your  child  comes  to  you  letting  you  know  they  heard  about   the  shooting  in  Orlando,  here  are  some  points  to  consider.  Again,  this  is  a  personal  discussion,  and  it  is   imperative  that  you  consider  your  own  personal  family  context  in  both  making  the  decision  about   whether  to  talk  with  your  children,  and  in  how  you  do  so  -­‐  drawing  on  your  family  culture/s,  values,   philosophies,  religion/spirituality,  experiences/discussions  of  forms  of  oppression,  and  other  important   resources  that  can  support  and  contextualize  the  messages  you  convey.  The  tips  below  are  offered  in   this  spirit,  and  with  the  knowledge  that  your  family  context  will  be  of  utmost  importance,  and  will   provide  the  key  components  for  making  the  news  something  that  your  child  can  hold  with  them  and   integrate  into  their  lives  with  resilience.     1. Pick  a  good  time  and  place  for  the  conversation,  where  your  child  feels  safe  and  where  you  are   focused  and  present.  Many  people  find  that  talking  with  their  children  on  walks,  while  driving,   or  at  home  is  most  conducive  to  hard  conversations.  You  know  your  child  and  yourself,  so  make   sure  it  works  for  you  (if  you  are  raising  the  conversation;  often  we  may  be  hearing  from  our   children  themselves).  While  some  children  like  to  have  heart  to  hearts  at  bedtime,  and  that  may   be  their  time  to  open  up,  it  is  likely  not  the  best  time  to  raise  such  a  topic  unless  they  bring  it  up   first.    

2. Keep  in  mind  that  brief,  manageable  conversations  are  best,  and  set  an  environment  in  which   you  pay  close  attention  to  your  child’s  responses,  and  respond  with  physical,  verbal  or   emotional  responses  to  their  spoken  and  unspoken  responses.  Being  physically  close,  giving   them  hugs  –  it’s  important  to  know  what  usually  works  for  your  child  and  to  be  in  tune  with   them  throughout.  Turn  off  your  cell  phone  and  any  other  distractions.   3. Use  clear,  simple  language  that  is  age  appropriate  for  your  child  (  see  links  on  talking  about   tragedy  with  children  below).   4. Be  direct.  Sometimes  we  want  to  use  euphemisms  or  to  make  things  sound  better  than  they  are.   Just  be  direct.  Say  that  people  died,  they  did  not  pass  away,  etc.,  and  avoid  confusing  and   unclear/stigmatizing  language  such  as  describing  the  killer  as  a  “crazy  person.”  While  we  may  be   angry  and  upset,  inflammatory  language  will  only  undermine  the  message.     5. Name  the  emotions  that  you  have.  Frame  the  conversation  by  acknowledging  the  sadness,  loss   and  grief  involved.     6. Some  children  may  feel  scared  when  their  parent/s  cry  in  front  of  them.  Parents  are  problem   solvers,  so  if  we  are  upset,  who  will  solve  the  problems?  Acknowledge  that  it  can  be  hard  to  see   parents,  caregivers  or  teachers  cry,  but  that  it  is  healthy  to  feel  and  express  our  emotions.   7. Define  terms  that  you  are  using  that  your  child  may  or  may  not  be  familiar  with.  Homophobia  is   defined  as  the  fear  or  hatred  of  people  who  are  LGBTQ.     8. Guns  can  be  a  big  topic  in  children’s  play.  Decide  if  and  how  you  wish  to  address  the  gun   violence.  We  let  our  children  know  that  gun  violence  is  real,  and  that  is  why  we  do  not  support   forms  of  gun  play,  but  this  will  again  be  something  that  is  situational  in  your  own  family.   9. If  you  are  not  in  an  LGBTQ  parented  family,  talk  about  people  in  your  child’s  life  who  are  LGBTQ   and  discuss  examples  of  love  and  community  support  for  LGBTQ  people  and  communities  your   child  may  have  witnessed  or  been  a  part  of.  Making  it  relevant  to  them  will  emphasize  the  point   that  most  people  are  not  homophobic,  that  the  LGBTQ  community  is  vibrant,  healthy  and  mostly   accepted,  and  will  allow  them  to  understand  the  overall  picture  of  LGBTQ  issues,  rather  than   victimhood  as  the  only  dimension  of  LGBTQ  experience  you  discuss  with  them.  Show  them   pictures  of  vigils  and  marches  around  the  world.  These  are  powerful  visuals  that  demonstrate   the  outpouring  and  context  of  support.     10. If  you  are  not  in  an  LGBTQ  parented  family,  talk  about  how  to  be  an  ally  and/or  friend  to  LGBTQ   people  (and  make  it  happen).  Draw  on  other  examples  in  your  child’s  life  in  which  the  concept  of   ally  and/or  friend  may  be  relevant.     11. If  you  don’t  know  anyone  who  is  LGBTQ,  consider  that  now  is  a  good  opportunity  to  figure  out   how  to  broaden  your  community  networks  to  diversity  the  community  in  which  your  child  is   living.  This  in  itself  will  go  a  long  way.     12. If  you  are  in  an  LGBTQ  family,  you  can  raise  the  many  examples  of  community  support  for   LGBTQ  people  and  families  that  your  child  will  likely  have  experienced.  Draw  on  recent  examples   of  times  where  your  child  may  have  experienced  the  power  of  community  inclusion  and   acceptance  personally.     13. Ask  your  child  throughout  if  they  have  questions.  Never  make  assumptions  about  what  they   know  or  don’t  know,  or  how  they  may  be  feeling.  Tell  them  the  facts;  ask  them  about  their   response.   14. Draw  on  ongoing  conversations  in  your  family  about  racism  and  other  forms  of  oppression,  and     talk  about  historical  ways  that  people  from  diverse  groups  have  fought  to  eliminate  racism.       15. Include  critical  media  engagement  in  your  discussion.  Address  the  fact  that  the  media  and   stories  our  children  may  hear  about  this  incident  can  be  racist,  and  the  fact  that  the  killer  was   Muslim  means  that  people  are  using  this  as  an  excuse  for  turning  against  all  people  in  the  

 

2  

16.

17. 18.

19. 20.

21.

Muslim  community.  Don’t  underestimate  your  child’s  ability  to  engage  critically  with  media  (and   if  not,  use  this  as  a  way  into  developing  critical  engagement).   Allow  plenty  of  time  for  your  child  to  raise  questions,  or  to  tell  you  directly  or  indirectly  when   they  are  finished  talking  about  this.  They  may  start  talking  about  other  things,  and  then  link  it  to   the  topic.  Give  them  space  for  their  own  reaction,  or  to  move  on.     Answer  their  questions  directly.  If  you  don’t  know,  tell  them  you  will  find  out.   There  is  no  such  thing,  in  any  topic  area,  as  “the  talk.”  Let  your  children  know  that  you  are   available  to  answer  any  other  questions  that  come  up,  and  you  will  check  in  with  them  again  at   another  time.  Acknowledge  that  they  may  feel  sad.     Reinforce  throughout  the  conversation,  and  certainly  at  the  end,  that  they  are  safe  and  that  you   will  continue  to  ensure  this  in  your  role  as  their  parent.  It’s  your  job!   For  children  in  LGBTQ  families,  this  point  of  safety  may  hit  close  to  home.  If  other  people  are   getting  killed  for  being  LGBTQ,  that  is  particularly  scary.  Draw  on  specific  resources  around  you   that  reinforce  this  message  of  safety,  acceptance  and  inclusion.     Perhaps  most  importantly,  show  your  child  through  your  actions  that  you  are  committed  to   doing  whatever  you  can,  even  in  any  seemingly  small  way,  to  promote  inclusion  and  equality  –  a   world  where  people  do  not  have  to  fear  homophobia,  racism,  and  violence.    

  Our  Story   After  deciding  that  we  wanted  to  tell  our  children,  we  told  our  children  that  we  had  some  sad  news  to   share.  We  said  that  someone  shot  and  killed  49  people  who  were  at  an  LGBTQ  club  in  Orlando,  Florida.   We  described  where  Orlando  is  because  they  have  never  been.  We  said  that  it's  hard  to  understand  why   he  did  so,  but  we  think  he  was  homophobic,  and  likely  sad  and  unhappy  as  well.  We  used  a  clear   definition  of  homophobia,  and  said  that  it  can  be  very  hard  to  understand  why  people  feel  that  way,  and   that  most  people  don't  hate  LGBTQ  people.  Sometimes  people  are  scared  of  things  they  don't   understand  or  know  much  about.  Sometimes  people  don't  know  anyone  who  is  LGBTQ  but  once  they  do   they  can  learn  that  people  are  all  people,  no  matter  who  they  love.  We  emphasized  the  recent  events  at   their  school  celebrating  LGBTQ  Pride  and  in  their  community  that  show  how  loved  and  accepted  our   family  is  as  a  LGBTQ  family.  We  said  that  we  are  proud  of  how  they  and  their  friends  were  involved  in   the  school-­‐wide  event,  and  what  creative  and  inclusive  ideas  they  came  up  with  to  convey  the  message   that  love  makes  a  family.  When  we  had  shared  with  them  the  information  about  what  happened,  they   talked  at  length  about  Donald  Trump,  a  topic  that  has  been  in  constant  discussion  in  our  house,  and  one   which  instills  fear  in  them.  They  talked  about  how  Trump  likes  to  say  mean  things  about  Latinos  and   other  communities  of  color  and  keep  them  out  of  the  country  and  how  the  response  to  Orlando  sounds   like  Donald  Trump.  The  critical  analyses  of  children,  and  ability  to  make  connections  between  societal   events,  should  not  be  underestimated.  When  we  asked  if  they  had  any  questions,  the  10  year  old  asked   if  she  could  talk  about  this  with  her  friends,  and  we  let  them  know  that  not  all  their  friends  would  know   about  it,  so  to  be  sensitive  to  this  and  not  assume  that  people  would  know.  We  said  we  would  talk  more   about  it  over  time  and  let  them  know  they  could  raise  any  questions  they  had.       Selected  Resources  on  Talking  with  Children  about  Orlando   1. Explaining  the  News  to  Our  Kids  –  Common  Sense  Media   https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/explaining-­‐the-­‐news-­‐to-­‐our-­‐kids   2. The  Best  Resources  on  Talking  with  Children  about  Tragedies   http://larryferlazzo.edublogs.org/2012/12/14/the-­‐best-­‐resources-­‐on-­‐talking-­‐with-­‐children-­‐ about-­‐tragedies/   3. Tragedies  in  the  News:  A  Resource  List  for  Parents   http://www.villageq.com/a-­‐resouce-­‐list/  

 

3  

4. Talking  to  children  and  youth  about  homophobia,  biphobia  and  transphobia  –  MyGSA.ca   http://www.mygsa.ca/parents/school/talking-­‐children-­‐youth-­‐about-­‐homophobia-­‐biphobia-­‐ transphobia   5. #PulseOrlandoSyllabus   bit.ly/orlandosyllabus   6. 8  Ways  Allies  Can  Show  Up  for  the  Queer  Community  After  Orlando   http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/06/allies-­‐after-­‐orlando/   7. Our  Family  Coalition  –  LGBTQ  Family  Organization    www.ourfamily.org       Developed  by  Dr.  Sonja  Mackenzie,  Washington  Elementary  Parent  and  Assistant  Professor  of  Public   Health,  Santa  Clara  University,  [email protected]    

 

4