MY WIFE AND KIDS Michael:
Good morning, Kady. How’s daddy's little apple head?
Kady:
Fine.
Michael:
Oh, Thank you!
Rosa:
For what?
Michael:
Oh, There's no more of that? Could you make me a cup?
Rosa:
No, I am not your maid, I am her nanny. Verdad, mi amorcita?
Kady:
I don't want this anymore.
Michael:
It's ok baby, just throw it on the floor, the nanny will get it. [spanish talking]
Jay:
Morning everybody! Hey baby, drink your juice, ok?
Kady:
Ok, mommy.
Jay:
That's my girl. Oh, my god, look at the time. I'm late again.
Michael:
Cuz you're doing too much. You need to slow down.
Jay:
I can't. I have a breakfast meeting with a potential client. This guy does a lot of online trading and I think I'm gonna get him.
Michael:
Hey, wait a minute. Let's have breakfast together as a family. Remeber how we used to turn the music on, Everybody'd be dancing and laughing and fighting... I miss that!
Jay:
So do I. But I only have time for a cup of coffee.
Rosa:
Oh, I'll get it for you.
Jay:
Oh, thank you Rosa.
Michael:
Hey, Jay...
Jay:
Yeah...?
Michael:
I got an idea. Why don't we take the day off and have breakfast together in bed? I'll cook.
Jay:
What do I have to do to get you to take my job more seriously Michael?
Michael:
Uh, quit it.
Jay:
Get away
Michael:
C'mon Jay, This was supposed to be a little part-time job.
Jay:
Yeah, While it is but I gotta work late. Oh, and Michael, I need you to be my sweetie and cook the dinner tonight.
Michael:
But I was your sweetie last night and the night before was the big chocolate gummy bear. [kady's laughing]
Jay:
Please, please, please, please, please...
Michael:
Ok, I'll nuke some chicken.
Jay:
There we go!
Michael:
But you know what, I really miss watching you cook Jay. The way you use that thing with the mixing bowl.
Jay:
What thing?
Michael:
The thing you do... [Kady's laughing]
Jay:
Ha ha, ok...
Rosa:
There you go Jay.
Jay:
Thak you Rosa.
Rosa:
I'm happy to do it for you. Let's go outside and play!
Jay:
Bye bye honey
Rosa:
Say goodbye.
Kady:
Bye bye!
Michael:
Goodbye baby, Kick the horsie, kick it. That woman hates me.
Jay:
Michael...
Junior:
Yo, Mom...
Jay:
Yo Junior, Wasup?
Junior:
I was wondering if you...
Jay:
No!
Junior:
You don't let me finish.
Jay:
I'm sorry son, what is it? What do you need? What, what, what?
Junior:
Can I have thrity-five dollars to go to a rap concert saturday night?
Jay:
No!
Junior:
Oh, Come on, mom...
Jay:
Hey, you wanna appeal my decision? Take it to the higher court. Bye Junior.
Junior:
Yo dad, Wasup?
Michael:
Morning son.
Junior:
Mommy said to give me thrity-five dollars so I can go to a rap concert
Michael:
That was she said or you paraphrasing?
Junior:
C'mon Dad, You own an entire fleet of delivery trucks. We got money.
Michael:
No, I got money. You're broke. Right, what is the name of this rapper you gotta see so bad?
Junior:
MC Murder Death, but it is not what you think.
Michael:
What did I think?
Junior:
You know, that he's negative and preaches about violence and stuff
Michael:
Oh no, that didn't cross my mind. When I hear a name like MC Murder Death I think, he is a positive young role model, give him back to the community. What's the name of his big hit?
Junior:
Bullet to the Brain. But it's not what you think.
Michael:
Look son, I like rap music too. Problem is you don't get any show for thirty-five dollars. These guys come out in hooded sweatshirts talking 'bout "y'all know the words, sing along"
Junior:
But that's what they're supposed to do.
Michael:
No no, a concert is supposed to be a show. See, I grew up on Michael Jackson. Now Michael he put on the show.Then he'd be up dancing, then kicking, then moonwalking, sweating... He'd lose weight. You'd see him lose weight on the stage. That's not plastic surgery, he sweated that nose over. And they have special effects man, there'd be a explosion -- boom! Michael desappear, and you hear another explosion -- Boom! and you hear -- ih, ih, ihh... And he reappear on the other side of stage with Tito and the monkey.
Junior:
Ma, help me!
Jay:
hey! Boy, you know I don't like that gangster stuff. It's disrespectful to women.
Michael:
That's right! I'll tell you what you can do, son.
Junior:
What?
Michael:
You can clean up your room, you can pull up those pants and decide on which one of them hats you're gonna wear.
Junior:
Where you going, mosquito breasts?
Clare:
Shut up, dork! Oh, you smell like feet!
Junior:
Oh, yeah?
Clare:
Yeah!
Junior:
And you smell like...
Michael:
Oh, oh! Hey, hey, hey... Y'all keep it up I make you kiss on the mouth. Good morning Clare, How's daddy's little... Hey, What's wrong with you? Why I don't get a good morning kiss?
Clare:
Leave me alone!
Michael:
Leave me alone? You know I can't start my day without my kiss. Come here, give me my kiss. Come here... No...
Clare:
You got spit on me!
Michael:
Baby, what's wrong...
Jay:
What, she just need a little space, isn't that right sweetheart?
Clare:
Leave me alone!
Jay:
Better go talk to that little hussy.
Michael:
Hey, Clare. What's wrong with you? Now, you used to love when I gave you a good morning kiss.
Clare:
That's before you took down my D'Angelo poster.
Michael:
The man was naked.
Clare:
and...?
Michael:
And he didn't have clothes on!
Clare:
Oh, ok!
Michael:
Did you see that poster?
Jay:
Mmmm... I mean, Uhum!
Michael:
See? Every since you start working she's become a whole different person
Jay:
Oh, Come on Michael, she's twelve. She'd be going through these changes whether I was here or not.
Michael:
Yeah, but at least she have somebody to bounce the strogen off of. I don't understand her, you know what? The other day she asked me about Monistat 7. I thought it was like a singing group like Take Six. Jay, I need you here, I need a wife, not a rommate.
Jay:
Oh, maybe you better tell me how you define the word wife. What does that mean to you: barefoot? pregnant?
Michael:
No, You can wear shoes. In fact, the right pumps will help you get pregnant.
Jay:
I don't have time for this, I have to run. Bye Michael!
Michael:
No, this is some serious stuff, we gotta talk about this.
Jay:
We talk about this later.
Michael:
No, I wanna talk about this right now. Soon as you come home we talking about this.
--Michael:
Hello everybody, except Rosa.
Rosa:
Finally you're home. Adios mi amorcito. [spanish talking]
Michael:
Yeah, I understand what you say. Yeah [incomprehensible teasing]. Well, I don't think she likes me.
Kady:
Sí daddy.
Michael:
That's cute. She is teaching you spanish?
Kady:
Sí.
Michael:
So, where is your sister?
Kady:
El baño.
Michael:
And where is your brother?
Kady:
Yo no sé.
Michael:
Ok La Cucaracha, let's switch back to english.
Kady:
Sí daddy.
Michael:
No. Yes, daddy.
Kady:
Yes, daddy.
Michael:
All right. I'll be right back. I'm going upstairs.
--Junior:
♫ You tried to take my bucks? I line them up like ducks. ♫ ♫ Pull out my gat, that's not the buck ♫ ♫ 'Cause I'm MC Murder Death and I don't give a ... cluck ♫
Michael:
What I tell you about listening to all that cussing?
Junior:
Dad, all the music has cursing.
Michael:
No, Marvin Gaye didn't curse. Except maybe when his father shot him.
Junior:
Dad, That's old people music. I'm trying to keep it real.
Michael:
Oh, You're trying to keep it real? Let me tell you some son. We live out in the suburb, there's no hood out here. You're from the mean streets of Stanford, Connecticut. Where is your homework?
Junior:
It's finished.
Michael:
Can I get a look-see? Hey, what's this?
Junior:
Oh!
Michael:
Is this me?
Junior:
Sort of.
Michael:
It looks like me. Got the same little ears and the funny eyes... I didn't know the top of my head was so pointed. And when did I start growing horns, son?
Junior:
Dad, It's a caricature.
Michael:
Well, you know what? This is actually pretty good.
Junior:
You're not mad?
Michael:
No, this show real talent. You know, You might even wanna reconsider your dream.
Junior:
You mean from work at foot locker?
Michael:
Yeah, that one.
Junior:
But dad... Those guys get fifteen percent off.
Michael:
I know, but if you owned the store you get a hundred percent off.
Junior:
for real?
Michael:
for real!
Junior:
I never thought of that.
Michael:
I know.
Junior:
Hey, thanks dad. Oh, Check it out.
Michael:
What?
Junior:
My mustache is coming in.
Michael:
Get out of here... Wow, look at this... You know, in a couple of years that might start looking like some real hair.
Junior:
Dad, I got real hair growing all over, look at this.
Michael:
Ah, ah... No! No, no, no...
--Michael:
I can't take this anymore. Clare is locked herself in a bathroom, Kady is living La Vida Loca, And Junior wants to show me his man bush.
Jay:
Yes, I got the client honey, and I'm so happy about it, thank you!
Michael:
You're not listening to me.
Jay:
I heard every word you said but I just finished an eleven-hour day Michael, and when I come home I would like for the man I love to say hello to me.
Michael:
Hello.
Jay:
Thank you. This is better.
Michael:
look, I don't mean to say this is your fault Jay, but this is your fault. I'm serious, this is not my vision of what a marriage is supposed to be like.
Jay:
Vision? And what vision is that?
Michael:
Like my mother and father.
Jay:
Eh, eh, eh... Your mother and father hate each other.
Michael:
Yeah, but they're still together. and you know why? Because they have a system that works.
Jay:
Oh, a system...
Michael:
See, we don't have a system that works anymore. It broke down somewhere. Now it's every man, or wo-man, for himself.
Jay:
Ok, since we're sharing visions here, I had one too. And in my vision I had a
husband... Denzel.. Who was supportive of my dreams. Michael:
I am supportive. I'm the one that pay for the four years of schooling remember.
Jay:
Why? So I could be the most highly educated housewife in the world?
Michael:
Yes! I don't understand calculus. The kids need a mother home to help them with homework.
Jay:
Ok, and what you do in this scenario of yours?
Michael:
I bring home the bacon.
Jay:
well honey, I have an opportunity to bring home some steak. Baby, today, Mr. Anderson offered me a job as a full time broker.
Michael:
Get it out of here...
Jay:
Yeah!
Michael:
What did you tell him?
Jay:
well, I told him that I have to talk it over with my reasonable and supportive husband.
Michael:
Good. So, you tell him that we talked it over and Mr. Reasonable and Mr. Supportive said no!
Jay:
Ah, ah Michael. We have to talk about this.
Michael:
I don't wanna talk. We talk about it later.
Jay:
Michael, I want to talk about this right now... Soon as you come back down stairs.
--Jay:
I'm not gonna take "no" for an answer Michael.
Michael:
Oh, I swear to god, Jay. I don't know why this job is so important to you.
Jay:
When you left your job at U.P.S. because you wanted your own company I supported that. Now, I'm just asking you to support me.
Michael:
I know what you're trying to do.
Jay:
What?
Michael:
I know exactly... You're trying to trick me with common sense. Well, that's not gonna work.
Jay:
You know what, we can't talk to each other. We need a council, I'm calling Dr. Bouche.
Michael:
No, I don't wanna go to Bouche. This whole therapy thing is a scam. It's used to let women do the two things they love most: talk and spend money.
Jay:
Oh, ok. Are you saying you don't wanna work on this marriage? That's what you're
telling me Michael? Michael:
Janet, I do wanna work on it... No, listen. I hurt you. I'm sorry, but that was five years ago. Eventually they stopped beating Rodney King.
--Clare:
Mom?
Michael:
She just left.
Clare:
Ok.
Michael:
Hold on. What do you have on underneath that jacket?
Clare:
Nothing.
Michael:
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. Open it up, let me see.. Oh, no. You are not leaving my house dressed like that, young lady.
Clare:
It's just a tube top dad.
Michael:
No, it's just an invitation for little boys to see your ninnies.
Clare:
Well, mom said I could wear it.
Michael:
Well, We'll ask her about that when you come home from school in your turtleneck. Put on some flatter shoes... And some longer pants... And a veil.
--Michael:
She is always late. Just like a woman too, huh? Hey, what you keep wrinting down?
Dr. Bouche:
Oh, it's nothing.
Jay:
Hi, I hope you haven't start without me.
Dr. Bouche:
Oh, Janet. That would be like asking the day to start without the sunrise.
Jay:
Own... Quit it Dr. Bouche...
Michael:
Yeah, quit it Dr. Bouche...
Dr. Bouche:
Ok, so... How is the happy couple?
Michael:
Oh, not too happy 'bout being here.
Jay:
Michael has issues about me working and...
Michael:
No, Michael has issues about you working full time.
Jay:
Honey, could you please let me finish?
Michael:
Oh, I'm honey now... You know, I was Jackass last night when I had to sleep on the couch
Dr. Bouche:
Hold on you guys, you're not using your tolls, remember? Whenever you reach this
part of the argument you need to cut, rewind, go back to the top of the scene and start all over again. Janet, you begin. Jay:
Ok. Well, Michael asked me to quit my job...
Dr. Bouche:
What? oh no, he didn't.
Jay:
Yes, he did.
Dr. Bouche:
Girl, how does that make you feel?
Jay:
Angry.
Dr. Bouche:
How angry?
Jay:
Very angry.
Dr. Bouche:
Angry enough to just hit him?
Michael:
Look, Oprah...
Jay:
You see? You see what I have to put up with? Everything is a joke to him. He has a hard time saying what he really feels.
Michael:
Hey, why you never write anything down when she talks?
Dr. Bouche:
Janet, why don't you ask Michael how he feels?
Jay:
Michael, How do you feel?
Michael:
I feel like bustling his big ass.
--Clare:
Go away!
Michael:
What's the matter, you have a headache?... What happen to your eyebrows?
Clare:
I got a little carried away with the tweezers.
Michael:
I see.
Clare:
How do I look?
Michael:
Uhm... Surprised?
Clare:
I look ridiculous dad. I'm never gonna leave this house again.
Michael:
Clare... baby, why did you do this to yourself?
Clare:
Well, there is this cute boy at school named JB, and I wanna him to notice me.
Michael:
Well, he certainly gonna notice you now.
Clare:
See, I wanna my eyebrows to look really skinny, like Jennifer Lopez. But now, I look like a thumb.
Michael:
Well, look on the bright side. It'll be easy for you to hitch a ride. All you have to do is like this.
Clare:
Not funny, dad.
Michael:
You want me help you draw them back on?
Clare:
Would you, please?
Michael:
Sure, have a sit. Clare, gotta be honest, I don't really understand what's going on with you right now...
Clare:
To tell you the truth dad, neither do I. All I know is there is this boy I like, and he's now kissing my best friend.
Michael:
Baby, for the rest of your life there's gonna be boys in this planet and a lot of them gonna wanna kiss you. Unfortunately, I won't be able to kill them all. Some of them might actually sneack under the radar... That's not a happy thought.
Clare:
Do you really think boys are gonna wanna kiss me?
Machael:
Not with those eyebrows. Baby, look at you. What are you doing to yourself? You're changing who you are. You're shaving your eyebrows, you're wearing tube tops...
Clare:
But. boys like when girls wear tube tops.
Michael:
Forget what boys like. What do you like? Don't live your life for anybody else. Listen, boys lie. They'll tell you anything in the world to get you to do what it is they want. They'll even tell you they love you, but they don't love you. I'm the one that loves you.
Clare:
I love you too, daddy.
Michael:
Hey, you got your eyebrow on my shirt.
--Michael:
Hey!
Jay:
Hey.
Michael:
Smells good. What you cooking?
Jay:
Curried catfish.
Michael:
Humm, my favorite.
Jay:
I know. It's almost finished. Just let me put this stuff away.
Michael:
Oh oh... You had to go to the love chest. I must be in big trouble.
Jay:
Yeah, first time in five years. Wanna see the thing that saved you? look.
Michael:
Own... That's us bringing Junior home from the hospital
Jay:
Yeah.
Michael:
Look at to all that hair... on my head.
Jay:
Yeah, that was your Dr. J. look. Oh, and baby, rememer this? look...
Michael:
Ownnn... What is it?
Jay:
It's the stem for the chocolate-covered strawberry you hit my engagement ring in. You know what, if I close my eyes right now I can actually feel the same way I felt that night. I'd like to feel that way again Michael.
Michael:
Janet listen, I've been doing some thinking. You're right about the reason why I quit my job at U.P.S., I did want my independence.
Jay:
Yeah, well. I want my independence too.
Michael:
No, I wanted independence from my job. You want independence from me.
Jay:
No, I don't. See, that's your ego talking. Michael, you think everything is about you.
Michael:
Hey... Look... Let's cut, and rewind, and go back to the top of the scene, ok? Look Jay, I've been thinking, I wanna apologize to you. I've been selfish, I really do wanna see you fly. I wanna see your vision of you. But the truth is I'm afraid.
Jay:
Of what, honey?
Michael:
Of time. It's all going by so fast. Look at Junior, he's almost a grown man now. I mean, soon we're gonna wake up and be old, I'll look like Frederick Douglass and you're look like Jane Pittman and we'll ask ourselves where did it all go?
Jay:
Hum, no. I'm gonna ask myself how in the hell did I end up looking like Jane Pittman.
Michael:
Jay, I also think that you should take that job. I want you to take that job. But, there's a part of me that's always gonna be thrilled for you and there's another part of me that's gonna hate it.
Jay:
Well, we'll just let that part of you sleep on the couch.
Michael:
How do you think y'all got here?
Jay:
Yeah, sit down.
Clare:
Oh, mashed potatoes and peas? Ew... gross.
Junior:
No, what's gross is having to eat mashed potatoes and peas and look at your eyebrow.
Clare:
Shut up, stupid! [Indistinguishable arguing]
Michael:
This is nice.
