Sunday 9 July 2017
AATE/ALEA National Conference Hobart 2017
Cutting Edge Margin to Mainstream
Luke Bartolo
[email protected]
Kira Bryant
[email protected]
@lukebartolo1
@tirisays
lukebartolo.blogspot.com.au
edugeektirisays.blogspot.com.au
Write Right Mini-Lesson #1: Beginnings
First sentences… and the rest…
A great opening can immediately set up the events and explorations of your narrative. With a well-crafted opening, the audience will be hooked straight into the story. As Stephen King says; ‘There are all sorts of theories and ideas about what constitutes a good opening line. It's a tricky thing, and tough to talk about because I don't think conceptually while I work on a first draft - I just write. To get scientific about it is a little like trying to catch moonbeams in a jar. But there's one thing I'm sure about. An opening line should invite the reader to begin the story. It should say: Listen. Come in here. You want to know about this.’
So, what are the features of a great opening? Read through the opening sentences and corresponding paragraphs and respond to the following questions. Use the ‘5 Whys’ to expand your ideas, write a short note in response to each question so you are able to contribute to class discussion.
Questions: 1. What intrigues you about each opening sentence (think about things like: sentence length, use of figurative language: imagery, metaphor, personification, verb usage, connotation, etc.)? 2. How does this opening differ from a tradition opening like ‘Once upon a time…’? What would be different if the author used ‘Once upon a time…’? 3. Where has the author started – in the middle of the action, with a character speaking, a description of the setting, in ambiguity, etc.? 4. How have authors extended the ‘hook’ into the first paragraph? Title: Fahrenheit 451 Author: Ray Bradbury Publication Date: 1953 Opening Sentence: It was a pleasure to burn. Opening Paragraph: It was a special pleasure to see things eaten, to see things blackened and changed. With the brass nozzle in his fists, with this great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world, the blood pounded in his head, and his hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning to bring down the tatters and charcoal ruins of history. With his symbolic helmet numbered 451 on his stolid head, and his eyes all orange flame with the thought of what came next, he flicked the igniter and the house jumped up in a gorging fire that burned the evening sky red and yellow and black. He strode in a swarm of fireflies. He wanted above all, like the old joke, to shove a marshmallow on a stick in the furnace, while the flapping pigeon-winged books died on the porch and lawn of the house. While the books went up in sparkling whirls and blew away on a wind turned dark with burning. Question 1. Question 2. Question 3. Question 4. Why#1 Why#1 Why#1 Why#1
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Title: Pride and Prejudice Author: Jane Austen Publication Date: 1813 Opening Sentence: It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. Opening Paragraph: However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters. Question 1. Question 2. Question 3. Question 4. Why#1 Why#1 Why#1 Why#1 Why#2
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Title: A Farewell to Arms Author: Ernest Hemingway Publication Date: 1929 Opening Sentence: In the late summer of that year we lived in a house in a village that looked across the river and the plain to the mountains. Opening Paragraph: In the bed of the river there were pebbles and boulders, dry and white in the sun, and the water was clear and swiftly moving and blue in the channels. Troops went by the house and down the road and the dust they raised powdered the leaves of the trees. The trunks of the trees too were dusty and the leaves fell early that year and we saw the troops marching along the road and the dust rising and leaves, stirred by the breeze, falling and the soldiers marching and afterward the road bare and white except for the leaves. Question 1. Question 2. Question 3. Question 4. Why#1 Why#1 Why#1 Why#1 Why#2
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Title: A Confederacy of Dunces Author: John Kennedy Toole Publication Date: 1980 Opening Sentence: A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. Opening Paragraph: The green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly’s supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of anything new or expensive only reflected a person’s lack of theology and geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one’s soul. Question 1. Question 2. Question 3. Question 4. Why#1 Why#1 Why#1 Why#1 Why#2
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Title: A Handmaid’s Tale Author: Margaret Atwood Publication Date: 1985 Opening Sentence: We slept in what had once been the gymnasium. Opening Paragraph: The floor was of varnished wood, with stripes and circles painted on it, for the games that were formerly played there; the hoops for the basketball nets were still in place, though the nets were gone. A balcony ran around the room, for the spectators, and I thought I could smell, faintly like an afterimage, the pungent scent of sweat, shot through with the sweet taint of chewing gum and perfume from the watching girls, felt-skirted as I knew from pictures, later in mini-skirts, then pants, then in one earring, spiky green-streaked hair. Dances would have been held here; the music lingered, a palimpsest of unheard sound, style upon style, an undercurrent of drums, a forlorn wail, garlands made of tissue-paper flowers, cardboard devils, a revolving ball of mirrors, powdering the dancers with a snow of light. Question 1. Question 2. Question 3. Question 4. Why#1 Why#1 Why#1 Why#1 Why#2
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Title: Nineteen Eighty-Four Author: George Orwell Publication Date: 1949 Opening Sentence: It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. Opening Paragraph: Winston Smith, his chin nuzzled into his breast in an effort to escape the vile wind, slipped quickly through the glass doors of Victory Mansions, though not quickly enough to prevent a swirl of gritty dust from entering along with him. Question 1. Question 2. Question 3. Question 4. Why#1 Why#1 Why#1 Why#1 Why#2
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Title: Brave New World Author: Aldous Huxley Publication Date: 1932 Opening Sentence: A SQUAT grey building of only thirty-four stories. Opening Paragraph: Over the main entrance the words, CENTRAL LONDON HATCHERY AND CONDITIONING CENTRE, and, in a shield, the World State’s motto, COMMUNITY, IDENTITY, STABILITY. Question 1. Question 2. Question 3. Question 4. Why#1 Why#1 Why#1 Why#1 Why#2
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Extension Activities: o Think about novels or poetry that you have really enjoyed in your life. Write down the openings of at
least three. What about each, engages the reader? o Write FIVE openings for your story. Consider using a range of sentence sizes, changing the verbs, or keeping the language very simple.
Write Right Mini-Lesson #3: Characterisation and Setting
CHARACTERISATION
At least one character does or says something that shows the kind of person they are.
Characters act mostly according to descriptions AND each character acts differently.
Previous points, PLUS: Characters are welldeveloped with lots of specific detail.
SOPHISTICATED
Reader can tell which particular character is talking or doing something
Previous points, PLUS: Characters are described in some detail.
THOROUGH
Reader can tell characters apart from each other
Previous points, PLUS: Writer uses one or two adjectives to describe some characters.
SATISFACTORY
BASIC
Characters have names
Each character acts ONLY according to descriptions. Characters may represent or symbolise different ideas.
EXAMPLE Basic Example: James woke up. He could hear a strange sound in the distance. “Who’s there?” he asked. Satisfactory Example: James woke up, brushing the messy hair away from his face. He could hear a strange sound in the distance. “Who’s there?” he asked, slightly scared. Advanced Example: James kicked his way up out of bed, brushing the messy hair away from his face aggressively. He could hear a strange sound in the distance. “Whoever is out there is gonna get thumped!” he shouted.
Sophisticated Example: James had always had trouble sleeping and never appreciated being woke up. When he was woken up by a strange sound in the distance, he just about flew out of bed with his fists already clenched and his tangled mop of hair fanning out about him like the frill of some angry lizard. “Whoever is out there is gonna get thumped!” he shouted through clenched teeth as he turned to the window and rattled it.
WHAT DO YOU NOTICE?
SETTING Previous points, PLUS: Setting is welldeveloped with lots of specific detail.
SOPHISTICATED
Several references made to where and when story is taking place.
Previous points, PLUS: In-depth description of setting. Setting is maintained throughout story through regular (different) references to time and/or place.
THOROUGH
Reader can tell where some of story is taking place.
Previous points, PLUS: Writer uses one or two adjectives to describe setting.
SATISFACTORY
BASIC
Mention of time AND/OR place.
A sense of atmosphere is maintained through careful selection of details.
EXAMPLE Basic Example: James went outside. He couldn’t see what had made the noise.
Satisfactory Example: James went outside, letting the door close behind him. It was cold, and too dark for him to see what had made the noise.
Advanced Example: James went outside, letting the rusty backdoor creak behind him. The air was crisp and cold, and even though the moon was out, it was too dark for him to see around his backyard properly.
Sophisticated Example: James slowly shut the house’s rusty backdoor, listening to it creak behind him. The air was so crisp and cold that it made the hairs on his arms stand up. A thin sliver of moon hung high in the sky between the clouds, refusing to shine any light into the backyard. James took one shaky step forward, careful not to tread on any of the broken logs or bits of animal bone that he knew were scattered throughout the overgrown grass.
WHAT DO YOU NOTICE?
Write Right Mini-Lesson #3: Characterisation and Setting - Adjusted
CHARACTERISATION
Characters act mostly according to descriptions AND each character acts differently.
Previous points, PLUS: Characters are welldeveloped with lots of specific detail.
SOPHISTICATED
Previous points, PLUS: Characters are described in some detail.
THOROUGH
Reader can tell characters apart from each other Reader can tell which particular character is talking or doing something
Previous points, PLUS: Writer uses one or two adjectives to describe some characters. At least one character does or says something that shows the kind of person they are.
SATISFACTORY
BASIC
Characters have names
Each character acts ONLY according to descriptions. Characters may represent or symbolise different ideas.
EXAMPLE Basic Example: James woke up. He could hear a strange sound in the distance. “Who’s there?” he asked.
Satisfactory Example: James woke up, brushing the messy hair away from his face. He could hear a strange sound in the distance. “Who’s there?” he asked, slightly scared.
Advanced Example: James kicked his way up out of bed, brushing the messy hair away from his face aggressively. He could hear a strange sound in the distance. “Whoever is out there is gonna get thumped!” he shouted.
Sophisticated Example: James had always had trouble sleeping and never appreciated being woke up. When he was woken up by a strange sound in the distance, he just about flew out of bed with his fists already clenched and his tangled mop of hair fanning out about him like the frill of some angry lizard. “Whoever is out there is gonna get thumped!” he shouted through clenched teeth as he turned to the window and rattled it.
WHAT DO YOU NOTICE? Highlight the words that tell you who James is and what he looks like. Highlight the words that tell you who James is, what he looks like, and how he is feeling. Highlight the words that tell you who James is, what he looks like, and how he is feeling. What do you learn about James in this version? Highlight the words that tell you who James is, what he looks like, and how he is feeling. What do you learn about James in this version?
SETTING Previous points, PLUS: Setting is welldeveloped with lots of specific detail.
SOPHISTICATED
Several references made to where and when story is taking place.
Previous points, PLUS: In-depth description of setting. Setting is maintained throughout story through regular (different) references to time and/or place.
THOROUGH
Reader can tell where some of story is taking place.
Previous points, PLUS: Writer uses one or two adjectives to describe setting.
SATISFACTORY
BASIC
Mention of time AND/OR place.
A sense of atmosphere is maintained through careful selection of details.
EXAMPLE Basic Example: James went outside. He couldn’t see what had made the noise.
Satisfactory Example: James went outside, letting the door close behind him. It was cold, and too dark for him to see what had made the noise.
Advanced Example: James went outside, letting the rusty backdoor creak behind him. The air was crisp and cold, and even though the moon was out, it was too dark for him to see around his backyard properly.
Sophisticated Example: James slowly shut the house’s rusty backdoor, listening to it creak behind him. The air was so crisp and cold that it made the hairs on his arms stand up. A thin sliver of moon hung high in the sky between the clouds, refusing to shine any light into the backyard. James took one shaky step forward, careful not to tread on any of the broken logs or bits of animal bone that he knew were scattered throughout the overgrown grass.
WHAT DO YOU NOTICE? Highlight the two things that let you know a little bit about where and when the story is. Highlight the four things that let you know about the environment James is in. Highlight the things that let you know about the environment James is in. Where and when is this story taking place? How does this version of the setting make you feel? Which words make you feel this way?
Write Right Mini-Lesson #4: Making the Verbs Work
A verb states what is happening in a sentence. Verbs can be categorised in their various functions - indicating action, behaviour, thoughts, relationships between things, how something is said, or a state of being. Verbs can be utilised to create striking images in a reader’s mind and because they describe the doing, they add movement and pace to a story! Activity: Look carefully at the following table. Have you used these types of verbs before? Are you able to see the differences between the categories?
Functional Label (processes) Material Verbal Mental
Relational Existential Behavioural
Common Sense Label Example (verbs) Action walk, run, carry, roam, take, work Saying yelled, said, spoke, whispered, pleaded, tell Sensing thinking – know, reflect, remember, think feeling and wanting – like, hate, wish perceiving – thought, believe, felt Relating being – equal, am, was, were, is, are having – comprise, lack, have, has, had Existing was, is Behaving breathing, dreaming, smiling, looking
Derewianka, B. (2012). A New Grammar Companion. Australia: Primary English Teaching Association Australia, pp. 13-36.
Verbs in the Short Story
Activity: Look at the verbs in the following story. Label their function and brainstorm alternate verbs. Consider what kind of story you are telling through your choice of verb. The sun once revealed exultation in her smile, a reflection of the deep, calm pool of her eyes. It was no concern to her, nor me, but my people fought hers and we were torn apart. I had nothing without her, and the world outside - dead, unending clouds, smouldering cities, a military regime so angry they kicked the innocent as hard as the guilty. Alpha Centauri shone like any other day, but requirements for salvation? Ideal age, intelligence, fitness, blood type O. She matched perfectly and I watched her go as synthetic tears trekked down my face, battery beeping, empty.
VERB
revealed was fought were torn had kicked shone matched watched go trekked
WHAT IS THE FUNCTION OF THE VERB IN THE SENTENCE?
IS THERE AN ALTERNATE VERB THAT WOULD WORK INSTEAD?
Verbs in Well Wishes
Activity: Identify the verbs used in the greeting card. What kind are they? Why do they work?
Verbs: Verb types: Why do they work?
Verbs: Verb types: Why do they work?
Verbs: Verb types: Why do they work?
Verbs: Verb types: Why do they work?
Verbs in Action
Identify the verb used in the sentence. Brainstorm alternative verbs in the space next to each image. The dog ran towards the park.
The child played the guitar.
The tiger walked in the grass.
The rain fell in the carpark.
Write Right Notes
