WE DIDN’T STAR THE FIRE By Patrick Fisackerly LIGHTS UP ON: INT. RECORDING STUDIO - DAY BILLY JOEL sits at a piano while two producers - SAMANTHA and MARK - stand outside behind the glass. SAMANTHA So Billy, you ready to lay down the track? BILLY Yup, sure am! MARK Sam, this is brilliant. Updating “We Didn’t Start the Fire” for the 25th anniversary - it’s a guaranteed hit! SAMANTHA That’s why they pay me the big bucks. Okay Billy, “We Didn’t Start the Fire: 25 Years Later” take one! MUSIC: “We Didn’t Start the Fire” BILLY (singing) Harry Truman, Doris Day Red China, Johnnie Ray South Pacific, Walter Winchell Joe DiMaggio Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon Studebaker, Television North Korea, South Korea Marilyn Monroe MARK Billy Joel is so awesome! BILLY (singing) Grunge rock, the Gulf War What are Tamagotchis for? O.J., does the glove fit Titanic is a huge hit Gwenyth Paltrow’s head in Se7en Bush did 9/11
2. The producers balk as Billy continues. BILLY (CONT’D) (singing) Rollerblades are really cool-SAMANTHA (interrupting) Billy, could you hold on for just a second? The music STOPS. BILLY Is there a problem, guys? SAMANTHA (privately, to Mark) Did he just say “Bush did 9/11”? MARK (to Billy) Yeah, I--I think we have a couple questions about your new lyrics? BILLY You don’t think people remember Tamagotchis? SAMANTHA (privately, to Mark) You know what, let’s just keep going. We can find a replacement line once the rest of the song’s recorded. MARK (to Samantha) Works for me. SAMANTHA (to Billy) Let’s just take it from where we left off. Billy gives a thumbs up. MUSIC: “We Didn’t Start the Fire”
3. BILLY (singing) Roller blades are really cool Harry Potter goes to school Pokemon, “The Simpsons” Mandella is free “Friends” and “The Real World” I’ll tell you ‘bout the real world We’ll never know what happened On United 93 The producers look on in terror. BILLY (CONT’D) (singing) Jet fuel didn’t start the fire You know what I mean It can’t melt steel beams Jet fuel didn’t start the fire-MARK (interrupting) Billy! Can we take a quick five, please? BILLY I thought that take went really well! SAMANTHA Me too, Billy! Billy gives a thumbs up. MARK (to Samantha) Oh my god, Billy Joel is an insane person. He’s like that uncle you lie about not having. SAMANTHA (to Billy) Hey Billy, do you have any verses about anything more recent than...September 11th? Oh, sure!
BILLY
SAMANTHA (to Billy) Great! Let’s do some of those! Billy gives a thumbs up.
4. SAMANTHA (CONT’D) (to Mark) Maybe there’ll be something in here we can salvage into a song. MUSIC: “We Didn’t Start the Fire” BILLY (singing) Zuckerberg and Facebook iPad, Kindle, and the Nook The Joker and Harvey Dent We have a Muslim president Benghazi, Benghazi Benghazi, Benghazi Benghazi, Benghazi Trump 2016! (chorus) Let’s talk some more about 9/11-The music STOPS. MARK Billy! I’m sorry, man, but I don’t think your fans want to hear your conspiracy theories about 9/11 and Benghazi. BILLY Mark, you’re fired. Samantha, do you have any thoughts on this? A beat. SAMANTHA Nope. You’re doing great! Billy gives her a thumbs up. MARK (to Samantha) Traitor. Mark exits. BILLY Hey Sam, if you don’t mind, I have one more song I’d like to try. SAMANTHA Go for it, billy. MUSIC: “Uptown Girl”
5. BILLY (singing) Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh Oooh, oooh, oooh ALL LIVES MATTER! SAMANTHA And that’s a take! BLACKOUT
