WHAT'S YOUR CUSTOM? Written by Kenny Neal Shults

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INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Bill and AMANDA look adoringly at their newborn baby boy JACK. Jack looks back at his parents equally adoringly. A DOCTOR enters. DOCTOR Hello, and congratulations! What a lovely family you have Mr... (checking his clip board) Johnson. The Doctor hands Bill a cigar. DOCTOR (CONT’D) I believe this is your custom. BILL (chuckling and taking the cigar) Yes, I guess it is. DOCTOR Though most believe this to be an American tradition, it actually dates back to Native American birth customs. BILL Cool. You know a lot about this stuff. DOCTOR I should. I am the hospital’s consulting diversity O/B; I’ve delivered babies all over the world and been witness every birth custom imaginable. BILL Really, like what? DOCTOR (Reluctantly) Oh, I’m sure they will seem quite strange to you and your wife, although I am practiced in all and offer most of these services to our international patients.

2. AMANDA Well, we’re just plain old Americans so we’re pretty simple aren’t we Jack? Jack smiles back at his mother and coos. BILL Oh come on, I’m curious. He tries to enlist Amanda in the fun, but she rolls her eyes and looks irritated. DOCTOR (Putting on his glasses) There are quite a few, but I’ve condensed the vast majority into a concise list. If you like I can administer it for you quickly. The Doctor finds the right form, clicks and readies his pen, and looks down at the clipboard intently. BILL (eager, amused) Bring it. Amanda sighs. DOCTOR Please just answer “yes” or “no” as I go through the list. Would you like to bury, save, jar, pickle, plant, burn, or eat the placenta or umbilical cord? Bill and Amanda look appalled. Even Jack looks grossed-out. Uh, no.

AMANDA

BILL (amused) Do people really do that? DOCTOR (chuckling, without looking up or skipping a beat) Oh, absolutely, Placentophagy has been popular for thousands of years. (MORE)

3. DOCTOR (CONT'D) Would you like us to throw the baby off the roof of the hospital? Jack’s eyes widen - he looks nervous and confused. BILL Absolutely! What?!

AMANDA

DOCTOR (chuckling) Oh, to be caught on a stretched out sheet by friends and family. It’s thought to instill courage by some subcultures in India. BILL (to Amanda, playfully) C’mon, they catch him on a sheet! No!

AMANDA

(to Jack) Can you imagine that being your very first life experience? Jack looks relieved. DOCTOR Would you like us to sage the baby, paint him with corn meal, wash him with cedar water or anything related to pleasing any of the great Native American Corn Gods? BILL We’re actually more of a Broccoli worshipping family. Amanda finally breaks and chuckles a bit. DOCTOR Would you like us to keep the baby in darkness or refrain from naming him for one month, in accordance with some Chinese customs to ward off evil spirits? BILL So, as long as whatshisname here is left in the dark we’re all set?

4. Amanda hits Bill, they chuckle. DOCTOR Did you bring a piece of your wedding cake to sprinkle over the baby - an Irish tradition. BILL (sarcastic) Aren’t you Irish honey? Amanda joins in the mockery. The doctor waits with pen ready. AMANDA We’ve got that piece in the freezer... Let’s jut do it when we get home. BILL Yep. Do it at home. Bill and Amanda chuckle to each other furtively while the doctor continues. Jack chuckles too. DOCTOR Very good. Would you like to apply neck rings or to bind the baby’s ears, feet or skull in order to reshape them according to cultural standards of beauty? Jack stops giggling and looks worried again. AMANDA How awful, no! BILL Now that’s just nuts. DOCTOR Mr. & Mrs. Johnson, these are very old and quite common practices. I warned you they may seem strange, but please do show respect. AMANDA (holding Jack tightly and rocking him nervously) (contrite) I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but really don’t think we’re going to want any of these options Doctor. Jack nods firmly in agreement as he’s rocked.

5. BILL Sorry Doc. No disrespect. I was just having some fun... DOCTOR No matter, that’s the end our list now that clitoral removal, nicking, or burning is considered taboo in this country. AMANDA (Outraged) Uh, for a very good reason. How can anyone justify doing that to a little girl? You’re not saying you would do that are you?! Clitoris mutilation is illegal everywhere! DOCTOR Mrs. Johnson, nearly 30 million women in over 30 countries have undergone clitoral alteration. Don’t you believe parents have the right to make that decision? The child is their property after all. AMANDA Parents don’t have the right to make those kinds of decisions. BILL Just the ones that deal with where they go to college & the race of the person they marry. DOCTOR Well I consider parents’ traditions, religion, cultural norms, and aesthetic preferences to be paramount when bringing a child into the world. We are social creatures, after all - and normal is what we make it. AMANDA Well we believe normal is protecting our child from outdated and uncivilized practices that are about the parents, not the child! BILL Yeah, as much as I was down for that roof thing, I have to agree doc. (hands back the cigar)

6. AMANDA Babies should be nurtured, loved, and kept safe. Not left in the dark or surgically altered while we all eat pickled afterbirth! DOCTOR I can see that you have little respect for these traditions as I initially suspected. AMANDA If you didn’t think we would want any of your international options, why did you come in here in the first place? You’re not even our Doctor. DOCTOR (Checking clip board) You opted for the circumcision did you not? Bill and Amanda are dumbstruck as the irony hits them. They look at each other, then Jack. Jack looks furious and betrayed. DOCTOR (CONT’D) (taking out another cigar) Oh I see. Allow me to be perfectly clear. A nurse will come round momentarily to take baby Jack to a room where I will perform the very civilized procedure you requested; the strapping your child to a table and removal his foreskin without anesthesia; a practice introduced to non-Jewish “plain old Americans” over a hundred years ago to prevent boys from masturbating (he clips the cigar). Congratulations again Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. The Doctor puts the cigar in his mouth and exits as a nurse walks in (?) Jack’s eyes are pie saucers! CUT TO: TITLE CARD: WHAT’S YOUR CUSTOM?

TITLE CARD: WHAT’S YOUR CUSTOM?