WOODY ALLEN’S @MIDNIGHT IN PARIS By Patrick Fisackerly LIGHTS UP ON: INT. @MIDNIGHT SET ERNEST HEMINGWAY, SALVADOR DALI, and F. SCOTT FITZGERALD stand behind podiums while WOODY ALLEN hosts the show. WOODY Hello everyone, and welcome back to @Midnight in Paris. HEMINGWAY What is this place? What are these lights? WOODY Points, provided you see a psychiatrist. DALI It’s so...surreal. WOODY Points, for wordplay. FITZGERALD It’s great! Like Gatsby! WOODY Points, what a reference. HEMINGWAY Fuck you, Patrick. PATRICK I’m sorry guys. I’m tired. I’m really fucking tired. This CBS thing has me all stressed out, and I just want a break. WOODY This isn’t the worst premise ever, you could probably make it funny. Let me get you the number of my analyst.
2. HEMINGWAY Can I go now? There are animals out there I still haven’t killed with my bare hands. WOODY Hey, as long as you don’t kill any Antz! PATRICK See, now we’re getting somewhere! DALI Your time is running out, Patty! Dali holds up his watch, which is melted, hahaha. PATRICK I just want to go back to bed. FITZGERALD More like the SNORIN’ 20s, am I right? WOODY If you want a nap, may I recommend my movie “Interiors”? PATRICK I’m just tired of forced premises and cranking out shit when I don’t feel funny. WOODY I make a movie a year and I’m practically dead. You’re young, you have no excuse. HEMINGWAY The Young Man and the Sea of Shitty Ideas. PATRICK Hemingway, you’re kind of a dick. DALI Does this sketch count as surrealism? PATRICK No, it counts as giving up. WOODY You know who won’t give up? Mia.
3. Everyone starts saying “no no no no no.” PATRICK Let’s not get into that. WOODY What? What did I say? I better call my analyst. FITZGERALD Patrick, don’t you see? A great sketch is your green light. You just have to reach it. PATRICK I’m not sure that’s what the metaphor in “The Great Gatsby” meant. No?
FITZGERALD
PATRICK I haven’t read it since high school, my memory is a little fuzzy. HEMINGWAY My memory is always fuzzy. Because I am an alcoholic. WOODY At least you’re not a cookie-holic. Remember “Small Time Crooks”? We made a lot of cookies! PATRICK Okay, we’re done here right? Points! Blackout.
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