The Young Ones – DEMOLITION

are you Cliff? Or ARE you, Cliff?

N- Guys, I really think we ought to get it together maybe to eat something, you N- Yeah. That was really pretty bad, Rick. know? Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and R- Bad for society when the KIDS start to Lise Mayer. RATs: Oh zounds! Most I can manage get into it! these days is to stuff down a few pages of Mike, Rick, Neil, Vyvyan, Balowski, N- I'm gonna kill myself now. the Guardian before they're ripped out! Maggie, Roland R- Pretty angry stuff, right? Let them try I managed to nibble away at a few lines of DJ: That was a great new version of "The and ignore that, right? Hippolytus the other day, at #32. - Oh, Young Ones" lucky you! Eurypides is my dream poet. Those clever trousers in the army! And the R- That was brilliant! Shame about Cliff -Oh, wonderful! This should raise a dry police, and the government, if they can! Richard. smile, then: Knock knock! - Oh, how N- I see things much more clearly now! wonderful! Who's there? Eurypides! N- What about him? R- What? Bye Rick. R- Yes, g'bye. Eurypides who? - Eurypides trousers, N- What about Cliff Richard? you-menda-these trousers! N- I'll probably come back as a lentil. R- Are you trying to be funny? Because if R- Augh! A rat! R- I might even be put in prison! And you are, I think it's in pretty poor taste, have water DRIPPED on my head! I N- Oh, wow, Rick, man, that's really that's all! I'm not a fridge, you know! might even get a personal message from heavy, man! My grandfather made that N- Weird, eh? I better get back to the Cliff! guitar entirely out of matchsticks on his lentil cassarole before I get disorientated. deathbed! N- Oh, wow! This is the end, man! Guess it'll be soon be over for you lentils! Doesn't anybody ever suss out cleaning R- I hate rats! OKAY? this oven except me? Aw, w--this is so Oh wow! This is really amazingly hot! I'd It's what he would have wanted. dirty, man, uncool! I bet you could look better get it to the table quickly! inside all the dirty ovens in the world, N- Eh, look, guys, eh, I'm sorry the meal Oh, no room at all, eh? Heavy! I'll never right, and you can--even the ones at the got a bit uncool, like, floorwise, but it's all get it back to the cooker in time now--I'm bottoms of swamps, and you wouldn't find right, cause I probably got the dirtiest bit. just gonna have to- Oh no. Bad karma. one as dirty as this one. M- Okay, guys, don't do anything Again! R- Neil! Why don't you listen to me, Neil? unusual. Did a guy with a lisp phone? Guys, there's some dinner on the floor if Why don't you listen to ME? Y--d'you find R- No one phoned you, Mike. Well... we you want it. If you don't, like, that would me boring or something? Look. Look. haven't got a telephone. also be cool, because I only spent all day That's a saucer. THAT'S boring. Look. cooking it, right, and like, I was the one M- Yeah. I know. But did a guy with a R- Pretty different, really, isn't it? It's not who got it together to put the lentils on to lisp phone? R- No, he didn't. really the same thing at all, is it Neil? soak last night, but maybe we should just M- Did he say anything about the get a cat, right, and give it to the cat, I will not be associated with saucers! bananas? I thought you said he didn't 'cause it's obvious none of you can be M- Hi guys! 6:15, enter Mike the cool phone! R- He didn't! both-- guys? Maybe it'd be cool if I just person for his dinner. Strolls across the died, right? M- Okay, okay, that's good. But it could floor, "Hi Neil," he says, looking good have been very bad! Anyway, forget you R- Well? N- Well what, Rick? and already warming up "Is that supper?" rever even heard the name. R- Have you decided to apologize for N- No, no, that's supper over there. R- Uh... What name? what you said about Cliff Richard? M- Why are you smashing up saucers, M- Hey, hey, you're learning! That's N- I didn't say anything about Cliff Rick? Your prints on 'em? I know just good. N- I've got an uncle called Dustin. Richard, Rick, I wasn't even... how you feel, man, y'dig? Sometimes saucers used to make me pretty angry too. R- Neil! Are these lentils South African? R- Look, I don't want to discuss it! Okay? Yeah, there's a lotta heads buried at the Ha-- I wouldn't even discuss the color of You bastard! You complete and utter bottom of the garden because of a saucer orange juice with you, Neil. Heh! But I've bastard! Why don't you just go out and in the works. written a poem and I think perhaps it become a policeman?! Become a pig? might help you. out="" poem="" R- I suppose you think it's pretty weird, There's no difference, you know! don't you Mike? Well. You'd be right. N- It's orange, Rick, and look, I don't Ow, ow, ow! There's no difference, you 'Cause THAT'S the kind of guy I am, want to depress you or anything, but like, know! You think there is, but there isn't! I right? WEIRD. Which is why I go over you're standing in a huge mound of lentil suppose you hate gay people too! Hippie! people's heads! A bit like an aeroplane! cassarole. N- Listen, listen, just don't bring me You think I'm an aeroplane, don't you, R- "Oh Cliff! / Sometimes it must be down again, all right, Rick? Mike? Well, I'm not. difficult not to feel as if / You really are a R- Okay, where's my biro? WHERE IS M- I don't think you're an aeroplane, cliff / When fascists keep trying to push MY BIRO? Rick. R- Sycophant! you over it! / Are they the lemmings, or

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M- Here, here, use mine.

boring too!

V- Yes, they are!

R- This is my biro!

M- Vyvyian! I really think you ought to feed that hamster more often!

R- Ha! Fallen into my trap! In that case, why isn't Cliff Richard boring, cleverV- Look, I don't want to spoil him, okay? M- Well, I just saw it lying on your desk, trousers? Tell me that! I thought you didn't want it anymore. M- But he looks like Tesco's when the N- Okay, lads, umm... this is it, okay, I'm beans are reduced! R- But look at it, it's half empty! going, now, this is the final moment, V- It looks well on him, though, doesn't M- It was just lying there, Rick, what's a okay? Right. V- I've got a leg. he? guy supposed to think? M- Hey Vyvyan, that's not unusual. R- Neil! / What are you doing, Neil? / To V- No, look. I'm supposed to write an make a meal, Neil? / others="" Surreal! S.P.G.: Whoa! I could murder a curry. essay on it, right, but... I think I'm just to="" poem="" From totalitarian V- Poor old Special Patrol Group. gonna stick it on the bonnet of my car! vegetables! / How much does it cost? R- What's "poor" about him? N- Bye, then! N- Well actually it's about four pounds V- Well, it'll take ten weeks to starve fifty, each. M- Okay, Vyv, okay, hold back, go another one. previous. Now, the scotch eggs are MIKE and R- Four pounds fifty?? another story. That's a nice angle on the R- I'm not paying you money to eat black wall, straight through it, I like your style. men! I could become a pig and do that for Certainly had me fooled. That's only part R- Well, let's put the rent up by a third! free! Right on! of the puzzle. Most days you come through the door. Sometimes you even M- Neil, when I eat a meal worth four N- I really screwed that up, didn't I? I open it. Today you didn't, today you pounds fifty, I'm not paying for it, you got suddenly change your routine, why? Eh? should think I'd look pretty stupid if me? You in trouble, Vyv? You the final sausage anyone was watching. N- Yeah, okay, okay, right, like house in the fridge? Is someone comin' after meeting, okay? Yeah. Like, I know four you with a piece of cling film? WOMEN: Oh, look at that! He should pounds fifty is like a hell of a lot of bread V- No... We got a letter from the council! have had a shorter rope. to lay out just for a lentil casserole, but I Look, nobody's fed my hamster, have did a lot, right? And it struck me that like, It could have done with being a bit they? considering what I'm gonna do, tonight, I shorter. should do like, thirteen portions. N- Um... Look, I'll see you on the other What that lad needs is a good hard. side, okay, lads? This is really it, I'm R- Thirteen? What are you doing, starting going, okay? M- I never knew there was so much in it! a football team? M- Yeah, yeah, see you, Neil. Hey Vyvyan, I don't want to get specific N- No, no, killing myself! Killing myself. or anything, but if you knock that wall This is my last supper, right. I've finished V- Yeah, bye, Neil. down, this house is gonna collapse. building my gallows, and it's totally far N- And um, you can forget about the out, you should see it Rick. Like, when M- And like there's my duvet and my bread, okay, man? the trap door opens, and I, like, die, it passport collection...! lights Joss Sticks and plays "Rock Around M- Hey, listen, it's just like going to V- We got a letter from the council! The Clock"; it's totally amazing. sleep, okay? R- Oh, far out. Really great. WOODSTOCK.

N- But I'm an insomniac, Mike. M- So what are you worried about?

N- Oh, fine, great, yeah. Why don't you sit in the supper, man, yeah. R- Vyvyan, you might have washed ye hands! V- I've been down the morgue! N- Oh, fine, yeah, great. Let's talk about death, I mean, don't consider my feelings tonight, or anything, really. V- Cutting up bodies for my course, you know. R- None of you ever give the slightest consideration to a word I've said! V- That's because you're very boring! R- Oh! Oh, and I suppose you think ideas like peace and freedom and equality are

M- Yeah, what letter, clarity, Vyvyan! Elucidate!

B- Hey, everybody! Hello, Mike, my little Thunderbird puppet! Thunderbirds are go, yes? Come on, let's twist again! Like we V- Look. Nobody's fed Special Patrol did in last Summer, yeah, yeah, yeah... Group, have they? let's twist again, like we didn't do in M- Listen, Vyv--this letter: you're sure it Moscow speaking="" again="" because wasn't a packing case? Or maybe a tea I've never been there of course, you know, chest with Zurich stamped on it? I am English person! to="" camera="" Hi I am Jerzy, yeah, crazy wacky landlord! V- No, a letter! You know, I like very much your English R- I think "Special Patrol Group" is a punk rock stars, you know, your Lulu, stupid name for a hamster! your Dave Clark Five! Oh yes! I think V- Okay, I'll change it, then! Hello, Cliff they are F-A-B, that's English for "stupid!", yeah! Okay, fantastic! Hey, Richard! Mikey, look! Here, I have some CocaR- Oh, thanks a lot, Vyvyan! You know Cola, yes? We have party, yes? can="" I'm a vegetarian! of="" coca-cola="" Okay, let's dance, let's N- Oh yeah, thanks. Thanks, Mike, bye.

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do the fog! You know, I am liking very sound. much your Harold MacMillan; thanks to R- Shut up! I'm trying to stir my coffee! him, I am never having it, yeah! V- No, listen! We got a letter from the R- Mr. Balowski! We have residents council! They're going to demolish the rights, you know! You're supposed to house tomorrow! knock! M- But I was going to turn it into an B- Listen, don't you think it's a nice entertainment complex! This room's a house, here? Is good house, is clean roller disco! Hey! I'm depressed! It's Nine house, Michael Caine and Twiggy, yes? Below Zero! So maybe sometime you would like to pay me some rent, then we go down milk bar R- He's blummin' right, you know! for soda pop, you shovel, yes? M- How can they, i.e. the Council, M- Listen, Jerzy... B- Jeremy, actually. destroy the house of Mike? M- Jeremy. Listen, if you're worried about the rent, I've got that sussed. Gentlemen, house meeting, in the hall, two seconds, be there!

V- Listen, Michael, there's no need to worry! I've got a plan with which to thwart them!

B- Back to the actin'. M- Okay, Jerzy.

V- The letter, yeah. With pleasure. What?

cease? They seem to reach back forever! R- Could you be quiet, please! I'm trying to watch my favorite program! Will you stop it, Vyvyan! V- Listen! If we don't smash the house up, the council are gonna demolish it, tomorrow! M- He's right, you know. They're gonna knock the house down tomorrow. R- That's all very well! But finally, after years of stagnation, the TV people have woken up to the need for locally-based minority programs! Made by amateurs! And perhaps of interest only to two or three people! It's important, right? It's now! And I want to watch!

Oh God, no sugar! - Oh wow. A wet bum. Just what I need. Far out. B- Listen, I think you are nice good N- Wet feet. Nice one, Vyvyan. democratic boy, yes? I hope when you M- Hey, hey, now we're in the same marry it's to a Scottish person like Lulu, supermarket, and we're not buying peas. V- I thought you were dead. yes? - But I am also Scottish, you know! V- Look, you agree the council must be N- Well that's no reason to hassle me on I'm not really foreign, you know. I just do thwarted, right? the toilet! it to appear more sophisticated! I mean, nobody'd buy Evian water if it was called M- Hey, does this face empty knickers? V- The council are gonna knock the house down! Blackburn water, would they? Nobody'd V- That I don't know. But when the wear Kicker boots if they were made in council come to demolish the house Scunthorpe! Abba? Abba, Swedish? I tomorrow, Michael, they're going to find it TV: And now, let's check some action knew then when they were a Lancashire already demolished from within! here on 2, with a new program for young clog-dancing trio! Arthur, Betty, Boris and M- Okay, step back, recoil, go previous! I adults! "Nozin' Aroun'!" Angela! Solzhenitsyn, Solzhenitsyn--a want to study the angles, and hey, I'm not former pipe-fitter welder from THEME: "Nozin' Aroun', talking about fishing. Give me the letter. Harrogate}! BAZ: Hi! My name's Baz! And me and my mates thought that TV just wasn't now! Right? I expect, like us, you're not M- Oh, I nearly forgot. These two men V- Well who's is it, then? into all that stuff your "old man's" into! wanted to see you. R- Somebody else's! Right! So! We just thought we'd have a B- Two men, Morcambe and Wise, yes? V- Look! Look, when they get back, tell program for us! Right! And this is it! Funny comedians with the wigs and the them I'm incredibly sorry! Nozin' Around! Yeah, N-O-Zed! Zed for buckets of water, yes? Zap! It's a program for young adults, WOMAN: Well, old man... made by young adults, and concentratin' M- Oh, no, no, no... they said they were MAN: Woods. And the darkness... and the on all the subjects that young adults are with the Moscow Dynamos ice hockey howling wind! Will the snows never into! Like, unemployment! Maggie! squad, eh? I told 'em I'd never heard of cease? They seem to reach back forever! you, said I'd never seen you before. MA- Hey, yeah! Really great! And now, I'm gonna be looking at what it's like to be B- Okay, I say is good--is good joke, yes? WOMAN: We begin the night Uncle a young unemployed adult! Because more Is earthy English humor, yes? Like seasideVolva died... on the night. young adults are becoming unemployed postcard from Leicester, yes? MAN: If only we were deaf! Do you on account of they can't find work! M- Yeah, yeah, so. So we'll forget about remember when this very room was filled Basically, the problem is this: if you the rent, we'll pay you another time, is that with light and laughter and young people? haven't got a job, then you outta work! How we laughed! Ha-ha! He-he! cool? And that means only one thing-B- Yes, that's absolutely icebox! See you WOMAN: Was the food richer then? Or unemployment! have we just forgotten? later, Ford Anglia! BAZ: Heh heh! Yeah, got you back! Heh heh! All right! Yeah! So! Thanks a lot, R- I hate him! Do you think he really is MAN: It was... sort of crunchy. The woods. And the darkness... and the Maggie! Worth listening to! After, all, it's British? howling wind! Will the snows never our world too! Kids! Right! Right! V- Well he knows a lot about the Mersey B- Yes? M- About the rent. B- Yes?

R- This isn't our house!

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MA- Really great! Hi! Well I'm standing young adult and yet you can't go drinking of a last positive action. Hey Rick, man, up here on this scaffolding because that's in pubs? what are you doing with my cruicifix, what this program is all about! Shock! man? Now what I think is if the kids are united, Yeah! Right! Okay! we will never be divided! R- I'm protesting! R- Did you see that? Did you? "The voice N- Yeah but I really think I should lay of youth"! They're still wearing flared this one on you, man, that's a really trousers! Why don't you try a bit of negative way to kill yourself, you know, poetry, you hippies! like, I've tried it, hundreds of times. There's no way you can hammer in the M- Rick, Rick, the council are gonna last nail. knock the house tomorrow! RO- Right down, thank you! WOMAN: Excuse me, are you the lease R- Yes, yes, yes, yes--so you keep saying! owner for these premises? BAZ: Rol! RO- Yes? But they'll never do it! This is a student residence! A seat of learning? N- Oh, uh... I'm being hassled in the BAZ: Rol! A lot of my mates say to me, street by a chick! She's making me "Oh Baz, what is the point?" What would M- The council have okay'd it, babes, paranoid, man! you say to them? okay? R- Stop making him paranoid, you slag! RO- Well, surely, Baz, your mates must R- Oh, right on! Right on! Typical! realize that there definitely is a point! Human beings are the last consideration! M- Hiya, baby. Take a street, any street, an English street, BAZ: So! A real message of hope and N- Maybe just once I'd like to keep the filled with life, and hope, and poetry-good cheer, there! From Roland, a really lentils off the floor. ace guy! Drop in and see him for a chat at M- Not the whole street, just us! It says M- So who turns on your bulb in the wee the Poly! we're a health hazard. small hours? WOMAN: I'm sorry? RO- But that doesn't mean I want you to R- But I live in the launderette! M- If the world's an egg, Border collie, seduce my parrot! M- Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's okay. It's then this kid's the lion, stamped on the BAZ: Ahahaha! If you're on the dole, go okay, because... because the letter is side. and see Rol! signed, "T. Smith, Miss." See? You see, WOMAN: Thank you, now what I really "T. Smith, Miss"? R- Yes, yes, yes. RO- Oh, I should stress that you do have need is your rent book. to have a degree... M- Yeah, yeah, I even believe it's M- You know the French for duvet? I'm perfumed. Dust off the duvet, lads. I'll BAZ: Yes, right! Okay! Thanks a lot talking a hundred-percent cotton. Mmmm! handle this. there, Rol! Now! It's the part of the I'd like to find your duckdown stuck to the program where you--yeah, you the N- I can't handle this. When they come, soap. viewers--get a chance to put your ideas I'm going to hide in the wall cavity and WOMAN: Uh, that's enough. Now what I and opinions! New concept, right? Our pretend to be thermal insulation! And then really want is... world too! So! 'Ere we go with: Street when they knock the wall down: boomM- Open-mouth surgery? Feel my Level! shanka! scalpel. You ever done it on a beanbag? R- "House! / House! / House! / O, you're Baby, I do it inside beanbags! made of stone! / But you're not a lone- / TEENAGERs: I'm sixteen, I'm old -ly house! / I am here!" "I've got myself a WOMAN: All right. enough to marry and have children, but I walking, talking, living, walking, living V- Don't worry lads! These bastards won't can't drink in pubs. When will the doll!" WOMAN: Excuse me! get away with this! government wake up and realize that young adults are mature and responsible R- If you're looking for the house that's N- Yeah, come on, man, you'd be doing people? going to be demolished, it isn't this one! I me a favor. R- Oh, right on! think it's the one on the other side of I'm sixteen, right? I can join the Army, the town! WOMAN: Excuse me! PILOTs- Oh wow, I really hope we don't Air Force and the Navy... but I can't drink have a crash. - Me too. - But they say it's in pubs. When will the government, right, V- Another half-hour, just a little more safer than crossing the road! - Yes, but we realize that young adults have a valued time, okay? - Some of these bricks have to do that too. - Best not to think contribution to give to society? explode! That's good, innit? head="" about it. back="" in="" window="" A lot of people say that young adults are R- Oh no! That plane is going to crash on violent, right? But how would you feel if WOMAN: Excuse me. us! you were old enough to have... intercourse R- I mean, why don't you just go and live with the partner of your choice... and yet in Iran, right? Or Russia? Please, keep in mind that transcripts are you could not drink in pubs? N- Listen everybody, I've, uh, stewed up not intended to understand the plot but BAZ: There you go! That's the problem! some lentils and some seaweed as a sort only familiarize yourselves with the What do you with an evening if you're a linguistic content of dialogues. BAZ: Okay! Thanks a lot there, Maggie! Right! But now it's time to have a bit of a natter with our very special guest, Roland Percival, who's careers officer at East London College! Rol! Gettin' down?

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