YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY A 10-Minute Comedy By Todd Wallinger

Copyright 2012 by Todd Wallinger

You're Driving me Crazy - 1 CHARACTERS TONY—Teenage driver, conscientious MR. PINKLEY—Driving instructor, highly strung SETTING A driver's ed car TIME Present day

You're Driving me Crazy - 2 SCENE 1 TONY walks around the car, checking it out. MR. PINKLEY enters, wearing a bike helmet and carrying a clipboard. MR. PINKLEY Hello there, young man. You must be... (Scans his clipboard.) TONY Borelis. MR. PINKLEY Anthony Borelis? TONY Yeah. My friends call me Tony. MR. PINKLEY Nice to meet you, Tony. I'm Mr. Pinkley, your driving instructor. My friends call me Frogface. TONY I think I'll just call you Mr. Pinkley. MR. PINKLEY Don't you want to be my friend, Tony? TONY Not really. MR. PINKLEY Have it your way, Mr. Borelis. (MR. PINKLEY makes a mark on his clipboard. TONY notes this with concern.) MR. PINKLEY So tell me, do you have any questions before we get started? TONY Uh, yeah. Why are you wearing that helmet? MR. PINKLEY What? This? Oh, this isn't a helmet. No, no, no, no. This is my... (Thinks of what to call it.) Driving instructor's hat. TONY It looks just like my brother's bike helmet.

You're Driving me Crazy - 3 MR. PINKLEY Well, that's impossible, because if it were your brother's helmet, he would be standing under it, not me. TONY What? MR. PINKLEY Have you ever driven before, Mr. Borelis? TONY Yeah, my dad took me out a few times. Mostly around the neighborhood. MR. PINKLEY And have you gotten into any accidents? TONY No. I mean, I've only been driving a couple of weeks. MR. PINKLEY Seventy-five percent of all accidents happen within thirty miles of the home. Did you know that, Mr. Borelis? TONY Uh, no. MR. PINKLEY And thirty-five percent of all accidents happen within two miles. TONY Wow. MR. PINKLEY That's a hundred and ten percent, Mr. Borelis. Why, you're lucky to be alive! TONY Can we get into the car now? MR. PINKLEY You seem to be in a rush, Mr. Borelis. Are you always in a rush like this? TONY No, I just thought, you know, I'm here to learn how to drive and you're here to teach me... MR. PINKLEY Think fast! (MR. PINKLEY hurls the car keys at TONY. TONY tries to catch them but misses.) MR. PINKLEY Slow reaction time. Not a good sign, Mr. Borelis. Not a good sign at all.

You're Driving me Crazy - 4 (As TONY grabs the keys off the ground, MR. PINKLEY makes another mark on his clipboard.) TONY Did you just give me a bad mark? MR. PINKLEY That's highly confidential, Mr. Borelis. I could lose my job if I told you. TONY Dropping your keys has nothing to do with my driving ability! MR. PINKLEY Maybe we should take it slowly today. You know, spend the time going over the rules of the road, car maintenance... TONY No, I really want to drive. MR. PINKLEY We all want to drive, Mr. Borelis. But don't you agree it's more important that we lay down a good solid foundation first? TONY You're driving me crazy. (TONY starts to leave.) MR. PINKLEY Where are you going? TONY To ask for another instructor. (MR. PINKLEY jumps into the car, taking the driver's seat.) MR. PINKLEY What a wonderful day for a drive! (TONY stares at MR. PINKLEY, as if deciding whether to go with him. Finally, he walks over to the car and opens the driver's side door.) TONY You're on my side, Mr. Pinkley. MR. PINKLEY Ah. So I am, Mr. Borelis. So I am. (Reluctantly, MR. PINKLEY slides into the passenger seat. TONY settles into the driver's seat.) MR. PINKLEY Do you remember all the items you need to check before you start the car?

You're Driving me Crazy - 5 TONY Of course. One, seat belt. (TONY fastens his seat belt.) TONY Two, seat. (TONY adjusts the seat.) TONY Three, mirrors. (TONY nudges the side and rear view mirrors into place.) TONY You've got to fasten your seat belt too, Mr. Pinkley. MR. PINKLEY What? (MR. PINKLEY looks around, confused. TONY reaches over to snap it for him.) MR. PINKLEY Very good, Mr. Borelis. You've got a good eye. TONY (To himself.) Nutjob. MR. PINKLEY What was that, Mr. Borelis? TONY Great job. You're doing a great job. MR. PINKLEY Thank you. It's my first time, you know. (Shaking his head, TONY starts the car.) MR. PINKLEY Aren't you forgetting something? TONY I don't think so. MR. PINKLEY You don't sound very confident, Mr. Borelis. How do you expect to be a safe driver if you don't have any confidence in yourself? TONY I'm ready. I'm definitely, confidently ready.

You're Driving me Crazy - 6 MR. PINKLEY What about that little lever thingie there? TONY This? (TONY points to the dashboard.) MR. PINKLEY Yes. TONY That opens the gas cap. MR. PINKLEY Correct. Keep a very close eye on it. TONY Is it all right if I drive now? MR. PINKLEY If you must. (Relieved, TONY shifts into drive. Before he can step on the gas, however, he notices that MR. PINKLEY is crossing himself. TONY shifts back into park.) TONY Did you just cross yourself? MR. PINKLEY What? No. I had an itch. You know. Allergies. (MR. PINKLEY makes a big show of itching himself.) TONY You really don't have anything to worry about. MR. PINKLEY I have all the faith in the world in you, Mr. Borelis. (Satisfied, TONY shifts into drive.) MR. PINKLEY WE'RE GOING TO DIE! (Scared out of his wits, TONY shifts back into park.) TONY Why did you do that? MR. PINKLEY Sorry. I thought I saw a train heading toward us.

You're Driving me Crazy - 7 TONY We're still in the school parking lot. MR. PINKLEY Yes, of course, Mr. Borelis. Very observant. (Marks his clipboard.) TONY Are you feeling all right, Mr. Pinkley? MR. PINKLEY Never better, Mr. Borelis. Never better. TONY Because you kind of smell like... pickles. MR. PINKLEY Oh yes. I can't help eating them whenever I get nervous. TONY A lot of pickles. MR. PINKLEY Two quarts. Baby gherkins. TONY I'd really, really like to drive now. MR. PINKLEY Of course, Mr. Borelis. Of course. That's why we're here. (TONY shifts into drive again.) MR. PINKLEY HEART ATTACK! (TONY shifts into park and watches as MR. PINKLEY moans and writhes in his seat. This goes on for quite some time. Eventually, however, MR. PINKLEY realizes that TONY isn't buying his act and tones it down little by little until he's back to his old "normal" self.) TONY Are you going to be like this for the entire drive? MR. PINKLEY Like what? TONY You know... cautious?

You're Driving me Crazy - 8 MR. PINKLEY You can never be too cautious, Mr. Borelis. Why, I can still remember the first time I got behind the wheel of a car. TONY When was that? MR. PINKLEY Five minutes ago. Don't you remember? (Stunned by this revelation, TONY turns off the car.) TONY Hold it. That was your first time behind a steering wheel? MR. PINKLEY My therapist is a big proponent of exposure therapy. Says I need to face my fears head on. TONY (In disbelief) You're afraid of cars. MR. PINKLEY Anything with wheels, actually. Trucks, motorcycles, small scooters... TONY How did you ever get a driver's license? MR. PINKLEY You're jumping to conclusions, Mr. Borelis. I never said I had a driver's license. TONY You're a driving instructor and you don't know how to drive? MR. PINKLEY No. I know how to drive. I've just never done it. TONY This is ridiculous! MR. PINKLEY You're telling me. END OF SAMPLE