Banana Alpaca Times  Edition #21

January 5th, 2018 

Well, here’s the first thing on our website… Sort of. The website doesn’t let us have straight up a full edition, so we resorted to PDF/Google Docs. It’s sort of better. If you have any problems or questions, email us at ​[email protected]​.

Random Things I Learned in Summer 2017  A List By Nel Pembroke  1. There is a cafe in Philadelphia called ​Milk Boy.  2. If you’re on vacation with a friend, try to wake up at the same time as them or they may go and get  crepes without you and eat all of them before you wake up.  3. There are so many knock-off ​Hot Topic ​stores on the boardwalk in Wildwood it’s not even funny.  4. The tramcar’s tracks on said boardwalk do end, on both ends. (Real bummer honestly.)  5. Spotify is annoying, it wouldn’t let me listen to the entirety of​ Neck Deep​’s new album the second it  came out.   6. It is not normal for your neck to feel like it’s going to break every time you flip your hair. Seriously,  never thought getting a haircut could help with PAIN.  7. Your friends aren’t always going to share your interests, no matter how much you try to get them to.  At a certain point you just have to accept that they don’t see the brilliance in whatever like you do.  8. HEARING ABOUT PATRICK STUMP EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK IS NOT GOOD FOR ONE’S MENTAL HEALTH.  9. Roller coasters, are like, kind of amazing.  10. Yard Sales are hard, but they’re better when you can rope all your friends to come. (Even though  they’re broke and won’t buy anything) and force them to listen to Paramore the whole time.  11. Sometimes your friends just ignore you and you need to accept that and spam call them.  12. CLAW MACHINES SUCK.  13. Sometimes old people are cool and will have whole conversations with you about roller coasters in  line for roller coasters.  It’s been a very educational 3 months hasn’t it? 

Hide Your Children The Illuminati. Yes, you heard that correctly, the triangle people themselves are what I am here to warn you about on this day. The Illuminati are often the butt of ruthless internet jokes made by losers who will pay for their lack of belief, but they are indeed a very real organization, and one that should be heavily feared. No matter the way you look at the situation, there is no way this organization could not exist! The way random terrible acts get popular based on TALENT? Yeah no. Here is a compiled list of some celebrities who are in the Illuminati, no chance of otherwise, 1. The members of Blood On The Dance Floor. There is no way they got popular “Based on talent.” 2. Gerard Way. Way has three letters, 3 is the number of sides in a triangle. 3. Beyonce. I don’t know why, she just is. 4. Kellin Quinn. Kellin has 6 letters, and 2 eyes. 6 divided by 2 is 3, once again, the number of sides on a triangle. 5. Vic Fuentes. He has a triangular gap in his teeth. 6. Obama. Once again, not sure why, but he is. DO YOU SEE NOW?!?!?! I know you do! There is no way these people could be innocent and based on the evidence I have against them. HIDE YOUR CHILDREN! LOCK THE HOT TOPIC DOORS AT NIGHT! THE EMOS WILL COME IN AND PAY REFUGE TO THEIR EMO ILLUMINATI LEADERS! You have been warned, Luna Pebblehead, ​Paranoid Idiot ​Head Journalist P.s. Mike Fuentes is even worse, he has tattoos, ​TATTOOS!!!! SATAN LIVES!!

Poem by Nel Pembroke(?) Running.   Feet pounding on the ground.   Pow.  A terrible sound,   right here right now,   I dare to say it is the worst sound i could hear.  A figure takes shape out of the darkness behind me  A tall, hooded figure  A daunting, despicable figure  A figure with the end on their mind.  An end that is gradually nearing  

Not for the figure,  For me   The innocent.  They will live and prosper.  They will be well aware that my blood is on their hands,  And either not giving a care,  Or letting the guilt of it rip them to pieces.  I’m not sure which i’d prefer.  But I can tell it will be quick for me,  For that i can be grateful.  But again I hear it,  Pow.  Dark.  Silent.  Nothingness.  But the tall figure says  “My apologies”  The last words I ever hear.  I can’t tell how sincere they are,  If they are at all.  But I assure myself they must be.  All humans have empathy,  right?  No worries,  Tall Figure  I forgive you.   

KEEP RUNNING.  the story of misgendered leg hair. written by nel pembroke as suggested by hannah s. Pete was a jock. That was inarguable. Millions of girls were ready to date him, he drank nothing but powerade, played basketball the second he got home, but the BODY HAIR, oh my GOODNESS. His legs looked liked those of a gorilla, it was slightly ​disgusting​. His leg hair, however, secretly wished it was on the legs of a nice delicate lady, maybe she played ballet, maybe did yoga, maybe even meditated, cause BOY were they tired of being full of sweat. And every time Pete stepped into the bathroom, his leg hair silently plead for him to “​Shave me! SHAVE ME!​” but it just wouldn’t happen.

TIMELORD - By Quinn ‘’You’re not supposed to know what’s happening’’ CRASH! Freezing water enveloped me. My eyes stung and liquid filled my throat, choking me as my lungs desperately heaved, searching for a trace of oxygen. ​Stupid organs, ​I told them, or tried to, seeing as I was drowning in an arctic lake. It’s times like these when I wonder what it would be like to have gills, to live life the same way, except instead of the dry, four-legged hell I got. I could be free to swim around, almost flying, in the abyss that is the ocean. Would I be in this mess? Would I ever have made it to where I am now? Would I be replaced with some other unlucky kid who had to deal with all this crap? Would I live a normal life? Well, not normal, I guess. I was never normal, not really. People have always said I was a weird kid, and I can see where they’re coming from. I mean, I ​am ​saying all this stuff while I’m drowning. Which leads me back to the fact that, well, ​I am drowning. Pull yourself together, ​I told myself, but mainly my limbs, as the icy cold water surrounding me had numbed my senses. My legs felt disconnected from my body, and the water around me was so frigid my brain had practically turned into a popsicle. I wondered how much time had passed since I fell in. Nopal had once said something about the average cat only lasting five to ten minutes in 32.5 degree water, which only raised more questions, so I decided to stop thinking about it. And stop thinking in general. So I just sat, if you can call it that, and closed my eyes. There was a moment surprising peace; even the desperate cries of my internal organs seemed to fade. The numbness had taken over, and one last thing raced through my mind. ​This is how I die, ​I thought, before the world faded to black. SPOILER ALERT: he doesn’t die

 

The Owner Did Nothing by Lily  The cat watched its owner. The cat was very bored. The owner was watching the Food Network, but didn’t seem to be paying attention. The cat decided now was the perfect time to go outside. The cat nudged its owner. The owner didn’t do anything. The cat headbutted the owner. Nothing happened. Minutes passed. The TV went off. The owner did nothing. The cat was hungry. The owner did nothing. Hours passed. Letters came. The owner did nothing. Days passed. Nothing changed. The cat left. The owner did nothing. The cat was free. The owner did nothing. The owner was dead.

I am secretly Hannah Montana!  Don’t tell anyone! -A dead rat and a cracker    I haven’t told anyone yet, but I’m secretly Hannah Montana! Most of you may think Miley Cyrus played her, but it’s ACTUALLY ME! Nobody knows this. I’ve been living off of bread for days and I’m not sure when my own action figure is gonna come in the mail. I ordered it online and it’s been 2 days. DONT DO DRUGS!!!

Nancy Time! 

Catch our brand new show, ​Nancy Time!​,  every night on the Banana Alpaca Channel.  Stay tuned for more news!   

Sponsored by nobody, because we’re an underground group of idiots nobody will notice unless someone  famous mentions us or we’re spread around. 

BREAD IS  TASTELESS. 

News.  The world is weird.     

Gossip with Barbara!  Shhhh!   

Today, I heard Nancy got her own show! She is so ungrateful. I never liked her. I think I deserve my own show. It would be the most famous show ever! Y’know, I used to do Nancy’s hair. Now she hired this famous Hollywood hair do-er. She is so unloyal! Is that a word? Unloyal? Who cares, it’s Nancy’s fault. She changed the word and now she’s famous. Y’know? People do that sometimes and it makes me sad. I’m gonna cry. Like, someone get me some ice cream. Y’know, I went to school with Nancy’s sister way back in 1986. We used to be friends. Now even her sister hates Nancy! Those two have really come apart. But, Nancy’s sister comes around every now and then to get her hair done, and she’s really loyal. She tells me​ everything​, and I listen and it’s just- it’s just- wow. Y’know? What? We’re running out of the page? What’s the matter, just make the font smaller! No? Fine, just end the thing here. Bye, all!

NEXT WEEK:  -More to read!  -More news!  -Just more stuff! 

​And more​!

Want a part in ​The Banana Alpaca Times​?

Great, you’re still reading. Do you want to write an article or story for ​The Banana Alpaca Times​? We accept aspiring writers who want to be widely known for their stories, or just doofuses that want attention. For more information, contact​: [email protected]​.

Authors: Gravy Nel Quinn Lily Hannah S.

 

This website IS NOT going to be good, I’m sure of it. Copyright ‘’Banana Alpaca Inc.’’ © 2018. Anything that doesn’t belong to me belongs to its owners, and I don’t wanna interfere with Copyright laws and stuff, so don’t sue me. Email me and send me stuff on Google Drive at [email protected]​.