Supporting Couples COMMUNICATION EXERCISES Please bring the completed booklet with you when you return to the lab
DYAD NUMBER:_______________
Initials:_____________________
The study is conducted by Professor Susanne Jones, Dept. of Communication Studies, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities Questions? Contact Susanne at 612-598-9546 or
[email protected]
IRB#1505S70941
WHAT WILL YOU PRACTICE? Over the next two weeks you will practice skills supporting each other through everyday hassles. When you practice the exercises, you might at first feel stupid, fake, and awkward. You’ll hear yourself saying things to your partner you’ve likely not said before. Look at the picture to your left: Do you recall what it was like learning how to tie your shoes? Probably not. There was a time when you practiced hours on end. You felt awkward, messed up, got mad—not to mention clammy hands—and tried again. Eventually you got it. And look at you now, tying your shoes all by yourself, not even thinking about it for a single second!
Learning a skill takes time. We mess up, try again and again, and then we get it…and promptly forget how hard it actually was to learn!
But you’re in luck. Like the children in the picture to your right, you’re not alone. Learning is best done with a partner in crime! Struggling together makes you stronger, and you learn from each other in the process!
SO…TRY IT…MESS UP…TRY AGAIN… AND HAVE A BLAST IN THE PROCESS!!!
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TRAINING PLAN LEARNING EVERYDAY SUPPORT Over the next two weeks you will practice supporting each other through everyday hassles. Every day hassles are not a major crisis! Everyday hassles are minor—all those little frustrating and irritating things we experience at work, with our family or friends, with sales people, or drivers on road…you name it. Because everyday hassles are minor, we are NOT used to sharing them. We may feel we make a mountain out of a molehill. We may think they do not matter. We may feel we bother our partner. Or we may simply not know how to share them. But the short of it is this: DAILY HASSLES PILE UP! EVERYDAY SUPPORT CULTIVATES RELATIONAL RESOURCES Cultivating everyday support is like cultivating a plant that will grow strong with everyday care so that it can weather the elements! You can and will draw on this everyday support in more serious crises. Over the next two weeks, please share these everyday hassles. We do not want you to fight. PLEASE DO NOT talk about relational topics that • directly involve your partner. • you and your partner have argued about in the past. • have caused conflict between the two of you. Beyond that, you can talk about anything. Here are some topic areas: • • • • • •
Your personal finances Family members and relatives Concerns about health and fitness Plans for the future or a future event Feelings about your own appearance, personality, habits, etc. Chores and things around the house
• • • • • • •
Children Concerns about another relationship (friend, acquaintance) Spiritual beliefs Work and people at work Academic or career-related issues Mental or physical illness Daily hassles or minor stressful events
Please talk about different daily hassles every day! HOW WILL YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR DAILY STRESSORS? You will practice having four kinds of supportive conversations. Here is a brief description of these conversations and the skills you will practice for each conversation. 1. THE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS CONVERSATION: “What do you think and feel?” SKILLS: Active Listening Perception Checking Paraphrasing Disclosing Feelings Validating Feelings Before we can offer support, we need to know what happened and how our partner feels about that. We often jump to problem-solving and fixing. The skills you learn as part of this conversation are building block skills. They are important for all following conversations.
After having practiced thoughts and feelings skills, you will be able to Supportive Couples: Skills Booklet
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• • • • •
express what you feel when you disclose. encourage your partner to disclose in his/her own words what happened. “get the story” without judging and advising. validate your partner’s feelings by learning how to acknowledge them. experience how it feels when your partner acknowledges your feelings.
2. The GOALS CONVERSATION: “How important is this to you?” Skill: Assessing Goals and Goal Relevance Once we know the story details and how our partner feels, we need to talk about how and in what ways the stressful event matters to our partner. Asking how important a hassle is can improve difficult emotions. As supporters, we also need to ask questions about whether our partner thinks he or she can handle the situation. After having practiced goals conversations, you will be able to connect thoughts and feelings to personal goals. 3. THE OPTIONS CONVERSATION: “What do you want to and/or will you do about it?” Skill: Discussing Options Once we know how our partner thinks and feels and once we know how much the event matters to our partner, we can prompt our partner to think of options how to handle this. The crucial point of this conversation is NOT TO ADVISE the partner what to do, but to help the partner figure out options, perspectives, pros and cons…you get the idea. Once you have practiced options skills, you will be able to help your partner flexibly approach a situation and explore options. You will also be able to help each other figure out how options impact and change upsetting feelings.
THE CUMULATIVE EFFECT OF THESE THREE CONVERSATIONS The three conversations build on one another. You first need to talk about how your partner feels and thinks before you can talk about how and whether the stressful event matters. Also, depending on the stressor, you might have a 3-in-1 conversation that integrates all three conversations, or you literally might have two or three conversations at different times. 4. THE (INVISIBLE) SUPPORTIVE CLIMATE CONVERSATION: “Tell me what’s on your mind!” We said there are FOUR conversations. Building the three conversations routinely into your relationship fuels a fourth INVISIBLE conversation. It’s called a supportive climate conversation. When we regularly share upsetting events, we develop a supportive climate in our relationship that encourages sharing. It’s actually this invisible supportive climate that sustains us during hard times—and, believe it or not, keeps us healthy. When the time comes where you have to deal with a really tough life event, it’s this climate you can count on to help you and your partner support one another.
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Here’s the fantastic news! This supportive climate develops the more we have the three conversations—that’s exactly what you see in the model below with the light blue arrow. The more you and your partner have these three talks, the more you and your partner will build a supportive climate. Below is a model of the supportive conversation you will practice.
Thoughts and Feelings: Conversation: “What’s going on and How do I Feel?”
Goals Conversation: "How important is this to me?"
Options Conversation: “What can I do about it?"
Building a Supportive Climate
GENERAL INSTRUCTIONS 1. Spend 15 minutes per day on each exercise. 2. Complete each exercise face-to-face and together with your partner. Sit across from one another in a quiet space. Avoid distractions and interferences from TV, phone, and other people. 3. Read each exercise together, perhaps even aloud to one another if you so choose! 4. Log onto Moodle at https://ay15.moodle.umn.edu after each exercise to check-in. 5. Adhere to the FIVE-RULE MANTRA (FRM) The FIVE-RULE MANTRA (FRM) 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Use equal talk time. Each partner has to talk, and no one gets to dominate timewise. Talk calmly and compassionately, and be genuine. Face your partner—literally. Do not interrupt—ever! Do not judge or criticize your partner, even if you disagree.
Handling FRM violations: 1. If your partner messed up, gently and kindly remind him/her (“Remember we’re not supposed to judge each other’s comments”). 2. If you messed up, do NOT get defensive (“I DID NOT…!”) or “YES BUT” — not even jokingly!!! Acknowledge your partner (“Thanks for reminding me”) even if you disagree or sound scripted…AND MOVE ON!!!
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DAY 1: Listening Blocks We begin with an assessment of how you listen to one another.
DATE: _____________
INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Individually respond to the questions by yourself. 2. When you are done, take turns for each question and share your responses with your partner. 3. FOLLOW the FRM QUESTIONS: 1. What is necessary for you to listening well? What does it take? What needs to happen? ____________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________ 2. We often don’t listen well because we are tired or have stuff to think about. Look over the listening blocks and mark those you have used the most over the past 24 hours. Comparing yourself to your partner (“I’ve had it harder today…”) Mindreading (“He said he’s tired, but what he really means is…”) Rehearsing your response while your partner is still talking. Filtering your partner’s comments by listening to some things and not others. (usually negatively) Judging comments (“That is the stupidest thing I’ve heard..”) Dreaming and wandering off. (“La La La…”) Identifying with comments by referring everything back to you (“I had that happen to me…”) Advising without having heard the whole story. Disagreeing or putting down (“You’re so wrong…”) Changing the topic (“That makes me think of…”) Blindly agreeing with everything (“Right…Yes…I know…Totally”) 3. What are the three PRIMARY listening blocks you and your partner will watch out for over the next 13 days? How will you handle situations when either you and/or your partner’s listening is blocked? _____________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________ 4. “People forget what you have said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” What does that statement mean to you? What’s the connection between communication and our emotional responses? ____________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________
Log onto Moodle https://ay15.moodle.umn.edu to check-in this exercise
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Thoughts and Feelings
Goals Conversation
Options Conversation
THOUGHTS & FEELINGS CONVERSATIONS DAY 2: Active Embodied Listening DATE: _____________ Active embodied listening is at the heart of everyday support. We will begin with the embodied listening exercise you practiced in your first on-campus lab session. Feel free to revisit the clip you watched in the first lab session.
INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Please repeat the embodied listening exercise you practiced in your first on-campus lab session. 2. Stand or sit across from one another. 3. Select who will begin disclosing. 4. As the discloser, talk as long as you like. 5. As the listener place the RIGHT hand on your partner’s chest where his or her heart is. ask: “So (partner’s name), tell me what you really care about or what matters to you right now?” use eye contact use backchanneling cues (headnods, “Uh-huh”) ask follow-up questions (“Why do you care so much about it?”), but focus on the discloser. 6. Switch roles 2 or 3 times depending on how long each of you will talk. 7. Do this exercise for 8 to 10 minutes.
DEBRIEF: Discuss with one another what all you felt in terms of “vibes?” How did it feel to touch and listen? Did you get a sense of being listened to more attentively? Did you feel you were able to listen better? Summarize your comments: _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________
Log onto Moodle https://ay15.moodle.umn.edu to check-in this exercise
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Thoughts Goals Options Thoughts Goals Options and Feelings Conversation Conversation and Feelings Conversation Conversation
DAY 3: Active Listening DATE: _____________ We often jump to conclusions because we don’t really listen. Much like active embodied listening, paraphrasing is a skill that communicates presence and attention—and when you are present, you get what your partner is saying. HOW IT DOES NOT WORK: The example below is a BAD example of paraphrasing! 1. Jennifer: I’m really hating my job. Every day I am doing the same thing. 2. Paul: So, you are hating your job because you are doing the same thing? 3. Jennifer: What…?? That’s what I just said. Are you even listening? Paul is just repeating what Jennifer said. He is PARROTTING and not present! HOW IT DOES WORK: Here is a better example. 1. Jennifer: I’m really hating my job. Every day I am doing the same thing. 2. Paul: Is it that you are just bored because you are not getting to do new things…that it? 3. Jennifer: Hmmm….no, it’s not that. I think I really don’t like working in sales. 4. Paul: So, do you mean it’s not really the things you do right now, but more the actual job-job? Is that what you mean? 5. Jennifer: Yeah…I think maybe a new job? Allow your partner to correct your paraphrase. Your goal is to engage with your partner and not to be right. Because Paul’s paraphrases in 2 ends on a question, Jennifer gets to clarify. Paul has a much clearer idea of what’s going on after he re-paraphrased in 4. As the paraphraser • relay in your OWN words what you think your partner’s thoughts and feelings are. • use a lead-in, such as: “What I hear you saying is…” “So do you mean…” “What happened was…” “In other words…” “So basically how you felt was…” • end in a question (“Is that what you mean?”). INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Select who will start. 2. As the discloser a. think of the last important conversation you had with a family member, friend, or co-worker. This could be a difficult talk, fight, or misunderstanding you had with that person. Remember: NO topics that involve your partner (we do not want you to fight). 3. As the listener a. actively listen. If it helps you pay attention, put your hand on your partner’s heart, but you do not have to. Use direct eye contact and backchanneling cues (headnods, “Uh-huh”) a. paraphrase. NEW SKILL! 4. Switch roles. 5. Work together and help each other as you go along. DEBRIEF: Discuss with one another what’s difficult about paraphrasing. Did it feel fake and artificial? What are consequences for paraphrasing? Summarize your comments: ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Log onto Moodle https://ay15.moodle.umn.edu to check-in this exercise Supportive Couples: Skills Booklet
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Thoughts and Feelings
Goals Conversation
Options Conversation
DAY 4: Perception Checking DATE: _____________ Perception checking is another active listening skill and very similar to paraphrasing. Perception checks also clarify thoughts and feelings. When you perception check, you offer two interpretations of what you heard and/or saw and then ask for clarification. A perception check contains: 1. A description of what you thought your partner said or what you observed (“I saw you doing…”, “You said…”) 2. Two possible interpretations of the behavior (“I am wondering whether you ____ or _____?”) 3. OPTIONAL: A clarification question how to interpret the behavior (“What did you mean?”) When you offer two interpretations and request clarification you connect with and focus on your partner who gets to tell you what he or she meant. As a result, you do NOT have to GUESS!!! If your interpretations are phrased like a question, you do not need the clarification question. Here is an example: “When dad cracked a dumb blonde joke yesterday you laughed (observation). So were you laughing just to make dad feel more comfortable or were you laughing because you actually think blondes are not as smart (interpretations). What did you mean? (OPTIONAL clarification request)” INSTRUCTIONS: 2. Think of the last important conversation you had with a family member, friend, or co-worker. This could be a difficult talk, fight or misunderstanding you had with that person. Remember: NO topics that involve your partner (we do not want you to fight). Then tell your partner what happened 3. Select who will start. 4. Begin sharing the event. 5. As the listener a. actively listen. If it helps you to pay attention, put your hand on your partner’s heart but you do not have to. Use direct eye contact and backchanneling cues, such as “Uh-huh” or “Mhm” b. paraphrases (no parroting) c. perception check (offer two interpretations and request clarification). NEW SKILL! 6. Switch roles. 7. Work together and help each other as you go along. DEBRIEF: Discuss with each other why perception checks feel artificial at first. What can you and your partner gain from using perception checks? What might keep you from using them? Summarize your comments. ______________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________ Log onto Moodle https://ay15.moodle.umn.edu to check-in this exercise
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Thoughts and Feelings
Goals Conversation
Options Conversation
DAY 5: Disclosing & Validating Emotions DATE: ________________ You just practiced three key building block skills—embodied listening, paraphrasing, and perception checking. WOW!! Next, you will practice sharing and validating emotions. We often feel awkward asking our partner “How do you feel?” It’s also hard to talk about feelings when we are upset. Sometimes we just can’t think of a good word to describe how we feel. Below is an example of an INVALIDATING scenario. Imagine being in Paul’s shoes: Paul: Man, I’ve had such a frustrating day at work! Jennifer: silence Paul: Carl actually made me go out to the warehouse. I was so embarrassed! Jennifer: Uh… Paul: Yes…soo… (at a loss for words) Jennifer does not respond to Paul’s emotions. There is not much for Paul to say. Paul likely also feels as if his emotions do not matter. VALIDATING EMOTIONS HAS A POWERFUL EFFECT ON US! VALIDATE emotions (“Oh, man you must be hurting!”) and facts (“That was a harsh conversation”) HERE ARE SOME VALIDATION PROMPTS: “That must have hurt you”, “It’s so frustrating when someone is taking advantage”, “That’s so disappointing”, “I can see how you can feel that way.” DON’T • MINIMIZE (“It’s not so bad, is it?”) • ADVISE (“You should feel blessed…”) • FIX (“How about I’m gonna take care of this”) • CHEERLEAD (“I know you can do it!”)
• • • •
EXPLAIN/JUSTIFY/RATIONALIZE (“I bet they were just fishing”) JUDGE (“What you did was wrong”) MAKE LIFE statements (“That’s life!”) MAKE IT ABOUT YOU (“Yep, been there”)
INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Individually identify a daily hassle. Please go back to page 3 for suggestions. Remember: Stay away from relational/partner irritations. Identify the topic below: _______________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. Select who will start. 3. As the discloser, describe feelings and use the emotion wheel on the next page if you want. 4. As the listener a. actively listen. Use direct eye contact and backchanneling cues (headnods, “Uh-huh”) b. paraphrase and perception check your partner’s feelings. Use the emotion wheel on the next page if you want. Your checks should contain what you observed and two interpretations. c. validate your partner’s feelings once you truly understand the range of feelings he or she feels. NEW SKILL! 5. Switch roles. 6. Work together and help each other as you move along. DEBRIEF: Discuss with each other how it felt when you got validated. How did it feel doing the validation? What were some challenges when you did the validating? Summarize your comments. _______________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________ Log onto Moodle https://ay15.moodle.umn.edu to check-in this exercise
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Thoughts and Feelings
Goals Conversation
Options Conversation
Emotion Wheel
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Thoughts and Feelings
Goals Conversation
Options Conversation
DAY 6: Sharing GOOD NEWS!! DATE: ________________ Everyday support not only means to help the partner deal with everyday hassle, but also to acknowledge and celebrate the partner’s GOOD NEWS and positive events, no matter how little (having actually CAUGHT the bus!) or big. That’s what you will do today: Sharing good NEWS! Your skills actually work for this kind of talk as well. WHY? Because sharing good news is another form of everyday support. INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Individually identify a recent event that actually made you feel good. Remember: Stay away from partner irritations. Identify the topic below: _______________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. Select who will start. 3. As the discloser describe feelings and use the emotion wheel if you want. 4. As the listener, a. actively listen. Use direct eye contact and backchanneling cues (headnods, “Uh-huh”) b. paraphrase and perception check your partner’s feelings. Use the emotion wheel if you want. Your checks should contain what you observed and two interpretations. c. validate your partner’s positive feelings. 5. Switch roles. 6. Work together and help each other as you move along. DEBRIEF: How did it feel this time to SHARE GOOD NEWS? Did you notice any changes from yesterday? Once more, why do we not do this more often? ________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________
TAKE A MOMENT Before you end today’s exercise, take a moment and talk about this: 1. How is the Five-Rule Mantra working for you two? 3. What skills “go well”? Which ones need work? (see p. 5): __________________________________________________ Embodied Listening Works Needs Works 2. What listening blocks are you still experiencing? Perception Checking Works Needs Works __________________________________________________ Paraphrasing Works Needs Works __________________________________________________ Disclosing Emotions Works Needs Works Validating Emotions Works Needs Works
Log onto Moodle https://ay15.moodle.umn.edu to check-in this exercise Supportive Couples: Skills Booklet
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Thoughts and Feelings
Goals Conversation
Options Conversation
GOALS CONVERSATIONS DAY 7: Clarifying Goals I DATE: ________________ For the past six days, you practiced the four building block skills of everyday support—active listing, paraphrasing, perception checking, and validating emotions. WOW!!! Lots of skills! Now we’d like for you to practice clarifying goals. To master a goals conversation, you need to let go of “fixing the problem.” Rather you need to focus on your partner. Help your partner figure out what the stressful event means to HIM OR HER. INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Individually identify a daily hassle (no partner topics; see page 3). Identify the topic below: _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. Select who will start. 3. As the discloser, share events. Make sure to describe what happened and how you feel about what happened. 4. As the listener a. actively listen. Use direct eye contact and backchanneling cues (headnods, “Uh-huh”) b. paraphrase and perception check your partner’s feelings. Your checks should contain what you observed and two interpretations. c. validate your partner’s feelings once you truly understand the range of feelings he or she feels. d. use the goals prompts below as you talk with your partner: NEW SKILL! • How important is this to you? • What are some pros and cons for YOU about what happened? • How much do you care about this? • Are there certain aspects about this event that • How does this affect you and what you care are more and less important to you? about? • Could what happened help you AND hurt or • What would happen if you just ignored this? hinder your goals in some way? Which one’s • How does this impact you and what’s more important? important to you? 5. Switch roles. Work together and help each other as you move along. Your job IS to Your job IS NOT to • apply skills you have learned thus far • judge • adhere to the FRM & watch your listening blocks • jump to conclusions • be flexible and curious • minimize and invalidate • have an open mind
MOST IMPORTANT: DO NOT GIVE ADVICE AND PROBLEM SOLVE!!! (“What should be done is..!”) DEBRIEF: Discuss with each other the challenges of talking about goals. Whyt is it so difficult articulating what events mean to us and what’s important to us? Why are we so often tempted to FIX or problem-solve the situation? _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________
Log onto Moodle https://ay15.moodle.umn.edu to check-in this exercise
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Thoughts and Feelings
Goals Conversation
Options Conversation
DAY 8: Clarifying Goals II DATE: ________________ Yesterday your conversation focused on getting a sense of the meaning of goals. We want to push this skill a bit more today. INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Individually identify a daily hassle that frustrated you today or yesterday and that happened to you (no partner topics; see page 3). Jot down some details about the event below: ______________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. Select who will start as the discloser. As you share events, make sure to describe what happened and how you feel about what happened. 3. As the listener a. actively listen. Use direct eye contact and backchanneling cues (headnods, “Uh-huh”) b. paraphrase and perception check your partner’s feelings. Use the emotion wheel if you want. Your checks should contain what you observed and two interpretations. c. validate your partner’s feelings once you truly understand the range of feelings he or she feels. d. use the goals prompts below as you talk with your partner: Prompt 1: Talking Goals (from yesterday) • How does this affect you and what you care about? • Are there certain aspects about this event that are more and less important to you? Prompt 2: Clarifying Goals NEW SKILL! • How much attention did you pay to this event? • Can you tell whether you, someone else or circumstances are responsible for what happened? • Do you have this under your control? • You think you can handle this emotionally? Do you think you can fix this and change the situation? 4. Switch roles and repeat 5. Work together and help each other as you move along.
REMEMEBER: Your job IS to Your job IS NOT to • apply skills you have learned thus far • judge • adhere to the FRM & watch your listening blocks • jump to conclusions • be flexible and curious • minimize and invalidate • have an open mind
MOST IMPORTANT: DO NOT GIVE ADVICE AND PROBLEM SOLVE!!! DEBRIEF: Discuss in what ways it was challenging to encourage talking about goals. How comfortable did you feel having this kind of conversation? Summarize your comments: _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________
Log onto Moodle https://ay15.moodle.umn.edu to check-in this exercise
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REFLECTION DAY DAY 9: Reflection DATE: ___________ You have just practiced thoughts and feelings conversations and goals conversations. CONGRATS! You are so much closer to a healthy life and healthy relationships! We’d like to stop here for a day and ask you to reflect with your partner on how things are going. INSTRUCTIONS: Answer QUESTIONS 1 and 2 individually. Do not show your partner what you wrote. 1. How comfortable do you feel talking with your partner about daily hassles? Have you become more comfortable sharing things over the course of the past eight days? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Describing feelings and thoughts Actively listened Avoided listening blocks Adhered to the FRM Was able to work through goals
Did not use
When you were the listener
Need Practice
Worked well
Did not use
Need Practice
When you were the discloser
Worked well
2. Take a minute and look over the chart below. What skills, prompts, and things work well for you and what needs work.
Actively listened Backchannelled Paraphrased Perception-checked Validated feelings Helped clarify goals Avoided listening blocks
Once you’re done, tag off sharing your responses and discuss what went well and what both you need to work on. THEN DISCUSS THESE QUESTIONS AND JOT DOWN SOME COMMENTS: 1. In what ways have you been able to manage your listening blocks and the FRM? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. Now that you’ve spent some days sharing daily hassles, what are the benefits of doing that? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 3. What are some challenges that you need to continue working on? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4. How natural did it feel having these kinds of conversations? What felt awkward? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Log onto Moodle https://ay15.moodle.umn.edu to check-in this exercise Supportive Couples: Skills Booklet
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Thoughts and Feelings
Goals Conversation
Options Conversation
OPTIONS CONVERSATION DAY 10: Prompting for Options I
DATE: ___________
The last conversation you will practice is an options conversation: How can you help each other think through options of handling a specific hassle? THIS CONVERSATION IS CHALLENGING BECAUSE YOU DO NOT WANT TO GIVE ADVICE ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK YOUR PARTNER SHOULD DO! YOU WANT TO HELP YOUR PARTNER THINK ABOUT OPTIONS AND PERSPECTIVES INSTRUCTIONS: 1. ONE conversational ROUND will take about 15 minutes. We recommend that you DO NOT SWITCH ROLES today. The listener gets to be the discloser tomorrow. 2. Select who will start as discloser today (NAME:_________________). The other person will disclose tomorrow! 3. As discloser, identify a daily hassle (no partner topics; see page 3). Identify the topic below: ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4. As you disclose, make sure to describe what happened and how you feel about what happened. 5. As the listener a. actively listen. If it helps you pay attention, put your hand on your partner’s heart but you do not have to. Use direct eye contact and backchanneling cues (headnods, “Uh-huh”) b. paraphrase (no parroting) and perception checks (offer two interpretations and ask for clarification). c. validate your partner’s feelings. d. use the goals conversation prompts: Prompt 1: Goals • How does this affect you and what you care about? • How much attention did you pay this event? • Can you tell whether you, someone else or circumstances are responsible for what happened? • Do you have this under your control? • You think you can handle this emotionally? Do you think you can fix this and change the situation? e. AND use the options prompts: NEW SKILL! Prompt 2: Options • What are you doing right now to handle this? • Is what you’re doing working ok? • What are other things you can do to feel better? • What are things you can do to handle, manage, or fix the situation? • Are you motivated to fix this?
DEBRIEF: Discuss with each other what it was like being ONLY the listener today or only the discloser. When you were the supportive listener, how tough was it to prompt your partner for options? Did it feel artificial to have this kind of conversation? Summarize your comments: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Log onto Moodle https://ay15.moodle.umn.edu to check-in this exercise
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Thoughts and Feelings
Goals Conversation
Options Conversation
DAY 11: Prompting for Options II DATE: ___________ We will repeat yesterday’s exercise. The person who shared the stressful event yesterday will be the supportive listener today. REMEMBER: YOU DO NOT WANT TO GIVE ADVICE WHAT YOU THINK YOUR PARTNER SHOULD DO! YOU WANT TO HELP YOUR PARTNER THINK ABOUT OPTIONS AND PERSPECTIVES Here goes: INSTRUCTIONS: 1. The person who was the listener yesterday will be the discloser today. Identify a daily hassle (no partner topics; see page 3). Jot down some details about the event below: ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. As you disclose, make sure to describe the event. 3. As the listener a. actively listen. If it helps you pay attention, put your hand on your partner’s heart but you do not have to. Use direct eye contact and backchanneling cues (headnods, “Uh-hu”) b. paraphrase (no parroting) and perception checks (offer two interpretations and ask for clarification). c. validate your partner’s feelings. d. use the goals conversation prompts: Prompt 1: Goals • How does this affect you and what you care about? • How much attention did you pay this event? • Can you tell whether you, someone else or circumstances are responsible for what happened? • Do you have this under your control? • You think you can handle this emotionally? Do you think you can fix this and change the situation? e. AND use the options prompts: NEW SKILL! Prompt 2: Options • What are you doing right now to handle this? • Is what you’re doing working ok? • What are other things you can do to feel better? • What are things you can do to handle, manage, or fix the situation? • Are you motivated to fix this? DEBRIEF: Once more, discuss with each other what it was like being ONLY the listener today or only the discloser. When you were the supportive listener, how tough was it to prompt your partner for options? Did it feel artificial to have this kind of conversation? Summarize your comments: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Log onto Moodle https://ay15.moodle.umn.edu to check-in this exercise
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Thoughts and Feelings
Goals Conversation
Options Conversation
PUTTING IT TOGETHER DAY 12: Discussing your Day I DATE: ________________ CONGRATULATIONS! You just mastered supportive conversations. For today and tomorrow, we would like for you to implement ALL THREE CONVERSATIONS. See how you will do! Again, because ONE conversational ROUND may likely take up 15 minutes, we recommend that you DO NOT SWITCH ROLES TODAY. Today’s listener gets to be tomorrow’s discloser. INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Select who will start as discloser (NAME:_________________________). 2. As the discloser, identify a hassle (no partner topics; see page 3). Jot down some details about the event below: ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Actively listened Described feelings and thoughts Avoided listening blocks
Did not use
When you were the listener
Need Practice
Worked well
Did not use
Need Practice
When you were the discloser
Worked well
3. Before you begin sharing, browse through the booklet and refresh your memory about the skills for the three conversations. 4. When you are ready, begin sharing. Work through each of the skills. Use the table below to remind you of these skills. 5. After the conversation, check off which conversational skills worked well and which skills still need practice. Also, indicate whether you used some additional skills that you found helpful.
Actively listened Backchannelled Paraphrased Perception-checked Validated feelings Helped clarify goals Prompted options Avoided listening blocks
Any additional skills?:
DEBRIEF: Debrief the experience with your partner and jot down some comments below: What skills were easy for you? Which ones were tough? What did it feel like to ONLY support or ONLY disclose? How natural did it feel for both of you to have this conversation? _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________
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Supportive Couples: Skills Booklet
18
Thoughts and Feelings
Goals Conversation
Options Conversation
DAY 13: Discussing your Day II DATE: ________________ We will repeat yesterday’s exercise. Once more, explore for yourself whether you can flexible apply skills as you see fit and as you listen to your partner.
Actively listened Described feelings and thoughts Avoided listening blocks
Did not use
Need Practice
When you were the listener
Worked well
Did not use
Need Practice
When you were the discloser
Worked well
INSTRUCTIONS: 1. The person who was the listener yesterday will be the discloser today. As the discloser, identify a daily hassle (no partner topics; see page 3). Jot down some details about the event below: ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. Before you begin sharing, browse through the booklet and refresh your memory about the skills for the three conversations. 3. When you are ready, begin sharing. Work through each of the skills. Use the table below to remind you of these skills. 4. After the conversation, check off which conversational skills worked well and which skills still need practice. Also, indicate whether you used some additional skills that you found helpful.
Actively listened Backchannelled Paraphrased Perception-checked Validated feelings Helped clarify goals Prompted options Avoided listening blocks
Any additional skills?:
DEBRIEF: Once more, what skills were easy for you? Which ones were tough? Again, what did it feel like to ONLY support or ONLY disclose? How natural did it feel for both of you to have this conversation? _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________
Log onto Moodle https://ay15.moodle.umn.edu to check-in this exercise
Supportive Couples: Skills Booklet
19
LAST DAY’S REFLECTION DAY 14: REFLECTION DATE: ________________ INSTRUCTIONS: We will end this training on a reflective note. Answer QUESTIONS I, II, and III by yourself. When you both are done, share what you wrote. QUESTION I: Revisit and reflect on your listening assessment from DAY 1. You identified three listening blocks that you and your partner said you would watch out for.
Block 1:_______________________
How well did you master each block? Very well
2:_______________________
Very well
3:_______________________
Very well
Not so well
Not so well
Not so well
How well did your partner master the block? Very well
Not so well
Very well
Not so well
Very well
Not so well
QUESTION II: Are there new listening blocks you are using? Are there new blocks your partner is using? Go over the list on p. 4 and write down which ones you noticed for yourself and for your partner. Blocks I noticed for myself
Blocks I noticed for my partner
QUESTION III: How well have you and your partner mastered the skills you have learned? Skill 1: Actively listened 2: Backchannelled 3: Paraphrased 4: Perception Checked 5: Validated feelings 6: Helped clarify goals 7: Prompted options
How well do you master skill? Very well Not so well Very well Not so well Very well Not so well Very well Not so well Very well Not so well Very well Not so well Very well Not so well
How well does your partner master skill? Very well Not so well Very well Not so well Very well Not so well Very well Not so well Very well Not so well Very well Not so well Very well Not so well
Tag off sharing responses to the last three questions: 1. Over the course of the two weeks, in what ways have you grown more comfortable sharing daily hassles? 2. What has been the biggest challenge when practicing these exercises? 3. How do you see yourselves continuing the skills in everyday life? What plans can you make now to address these challenges?
Log onto Moodle https://ay15.moodle.umn.edu to check-in this exercise See you in the lab SHORTLY!!!
