Dear Comrade Pootin,
My name is Carwyn Jones and I live in Wales, England. I am an important politician and I belong to the Labour Party of Mother England (just like Mother Russia!) and we run the local assembly over by here. Anyway, I was in the bath the other night and I got to thinking about nuclear sumbarines. (What do you think about in the bath, if you don’t mind me asking?) Whatever, everybody thinks that if them awful Scotch nationalists get their way England’s nuclear sumbarines will come to Wales, but I’ve been told, ‘No chance Taff, we don’t trust you buggers any more than we trust them Jocks’, so it appears that the nuclear sumbarines will be based in England somewhere, by the sea I suppose. So what I was thinking in the bath was, we’ve still got this fantastic harbour down in Milford Haven, so why not get somebody else to park their sumbarines there. Seeing as it’s so cold in Russia I thought you’d like to have a port without icebergs. Obviously there’d be a risk of one of your sumbarines hitting a gas terminal or colliding with an oil tanker, but don’t worry, we’ll keep it quiet and nobody will ever know! (And if anybody asks where Pembrokeshire’s gone, we’ll say somebody stole it.) I have discussed it with my friends in the party and they think it’s the bestest idea I’ve ever had. On hearing it Mrs Hart slapped me on the back and said, ‘You are a one, Carwyn!’ (I’ve still got the bruise!) Huw Lewis gave a clenched fist salute and shouted something, and Carl Sargeant just stared at me in dumb admiration. Our MPs are equally enthusiastic. Owen Smith, who is – like you – small
but perfectly formed, and a bit pushy! (not that you are!) said, ‘You’ve excelled yourself this time, Carwyn’. And that nice Mr Bryant asked how you say ‘Hello, sailor’ in Russian. So that’s my idea. I think it’s brilliant and will really annoy my opponents. Because Plaid Cymru get very confused when they start talking about anything nuclear. The Tories won’t be able to argue with it because if your sumbarines come to Milford Haven it will create thousands of jobs in bars and massage parlours. Though I suppose them Greens might make a fuss, but if Mario Balotelli’s mother organises the protests we’ll have nothing to worry about. You give it some thought, Vlad, and ring me one evening so we can discuss it. But not Tuesday, as that’s my bingo night. Wednesday, I goes to my taxidermy class, and then Thursday is karaoke night down the pub. And of course, on Friday night there’s normally rugby on the telly. (Do you get S4C in Russia?) So unless you want to phone on the weekend, make it a Monday night, but after EastEnders. Tidy.
Dasdivania from Your new friend
Carwyn
