Dominic Venuso ([email protected])

1

Marriage As God Designed It (Eph 5:18-33) The Gospel (Eph 5:18, 32; cf. Eph 3:1-6, 14-19; Col 3:16) An honorable marriage that glorifies God and works out for our good begins with people who are filled with the Spirit. The Spirit richly fills your heart with the good news of Jesus and this overflows into Christ-like, self-sacrificial, loving service for your spouse–even when they don’t reciprocate. What does selfless sacrificial service look like in practice? Work through texts like Mt 5-7. The gospel is the foundation of a good marriage, as the source from which our service springs and the pattern which our service follows. Self-sacrificial service won’t always work to help a spouse grow, but it’s the only thing that can work (it’s how God reached you!). At worst, you may serve your spouse your whole life, and they always reject your love. Still, your marriage will be a profound witness to the incredible love of God given to millions who never take advantage of it. At best, by truly investing in your spouse when they are unlikable, the person you have so-loved grows and becomes someone you enjoy and someone who helps God perfect you. Leave, Cleave, Become One (Eph 5:31) Marriage is a life-long union between a man and a woman who have both committed to forsake all others in order to make serving each other an absolute priority. Marriage is not essentially a feeling. It is a promise. It is a legally binding covenant. The two go forward as a couple who have a nakedness, openness, oneness, and vulnerability with each other that is sexual, financial, emotional, and legal. Sex is good and in marriage must be frequent (Prov 5; 1Cor 7; Song of Solomon). Christian sex, like everything for the Christian, is about giving. Gender Specific Roles (Eph 5:22-24, 25-33) Husband and wife are equal (Gen 1:27) and mutually submissive to each other out of reverence for Christ (Eph 5:21). There is also a distinction in how husband and wife submit to each other. The wife submits to her husband as her head and supplies what he lacks. The husband uses headship to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Any deviance from these roles is not modern enlightenment, but rather corruption in keeping with the curse (Gen 3:16). The roles of headship and submission are rooted in creation and are fulfilled in Christ’s relationship to the church. When A Marriage Isn’t What It Could Be Repentance and forgiveness are key. If you can truly repent and forgive, your marriage will work, despite the inevitable imperfections and incompatibilities that come when two sinners, of two different genders, with two different backgrounds, come together as one. This handout is based mainly on Eph 5:18-33. Read this text over and over. In understanding and applying this text, I have sought the wisdom of other thinkers and incorporated that here. Tom Hamilton, Andy Diestelkamp, John Piper, and C.S. Lewis, have all proved helpful. I’ve been especially helped by Tim Keller’s approach (sermons.redeemer.com). Pages 3-5 are essentially from Williard Harley (His Needs; Her Needs and Love Busters) via Brent Hunter. The assignments on pg. 2 are from L. Dillow (Creative Counterpart).

2

Communication In Conflict The rest of this handout contains practical tips from various writers. Some may help, some may be silly, and some may be unhelpful. Be discerning. Use what accords with scripture. Pray, Pray, Pray A gospel-centered, God-glorifying marriage takes work–more work than you will ever want or be able to do. Thankfully, God works in those who trust Him both to will and to do for His good pleasure (Phil 2:13). Trust God’s power. Before you do anything, pray (Ps 37:5). Analyze The Goal of Your Communication Ask yourself, “why am I criticizing my spouse?” If it’s a desire to “win,” prayerfully root this out. Your motive must be self-sacrificial love for the good of your spouse (1Cor 13:4-7). Write a list of what you think you deserve from your marriage. Read Philippians 2:3-11. How should you view these “rights” in light of what Christ did for you? Hint: this list doesn’t go to your spouse; it goes in the trash can. Now, list good things about your spouse. Thank God for these. Tell your spouse you’re grateful to God for them (Rom 1:8). Remove The Log Out of Your Own Eye (Mt 7:3-5) Your sins, because they’re the ones that damn you, should always look bigger to you than your spouse’s sins. Grab another piece of paper. In one column, write the things your spouse does that most bothers you. In the second column, write how you respond wrongly to those faults. Now, write a list of the things you think your spouse would like for you to work on. Put your emphasis on solving these problems. Then, you can bring your struggles about your spouse to your spouse. Attack The Problem, Not The Person People are more apt to help you attack a problem, than they are to help you attack them. When you attack someone, they get defensive. If you treat them as a co-worker in solving a shared problem, it can change everything. Marriage is all about helping each other. Don’t say, “why are you so stupid? You obviously hate me. That’s why you always do ____.” Instead, say something like, “As I see it, you’re doing ____. It’s affecting me like this ____. I’d rather you did ____, but I want to make sure I’m understanding this properly. Is there another way for me to see this? What can we do about this?” Make it Safe for Your Spouse to Criticize Pick a time that works for both of you: not in front of company, or when there isn’t time to finish, or when either’s hungry or tired, or just as your spouse comes home. If you blow up, attack, or apologize so quickly you don’t really take the criticism, then you aren’t creating an atmosphere where your spouse can safely give criticism (and so help you to grow). Say something like, “I didn’t realize I was doing that, tell me more.”

3

Evaluating Your Marriage Stages In A Marriage There are three stages in a marriage: intimacy (love, closeness, openness), conflict (needs are basically met, but areas of contention arise, both are willing to confront each other), and withdrawal (someone snaps, emotionally shuts down, no intimacy, conflicts are not dealt with). A healthy marriage goes back and forth between the first two. A marriage in a state of withdrawal is a marriage in serious danger. Something must be done. Symptoms of Spiritual Divorce Symptoms of spiritual divorce are indicators that a separation is developing and needs to be confronted through discussion. Take about 20mins. for each to privately do this exercise, then exchange your answers and discuss together. Read the symptoms. Place a check mark next to each one present in your marriage. Select 2 or 3 you feel most strongly about right now. Write and describe your feelings about those 2 or 3. As time allows, continue on to the others checked. Prolonged moods of sadness Disillusionment, boredom, emptiness Dissatisfaction Indifference to each other’s problems Coldness in our relationship Avoiding or refusing sexual relationship 7. No interest in things of the other – lack of sensitivity 8. Lack of kindness, tenderness, small courtesies 9. Failure to take time to think deeply 10. Feelings of insecurity and mutual distrust 11. More confidence in a third person other than with each other 12. Lack of dialogue and intimate communication 13. Most communication mechanical, routine, and surface 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

14. Feelings of loneliness; not understood 15. Frequent bad humor and tension 16. Feeling used 17. Frequent quarrels: in private, or in front of children or others 18. Ridicule of each other 19. Superficial life. continuous escapes, such as liquor, drugs, TV, friends 20. Attitude of selfishness 21. Insults, rude words, and sarcasm 22. Avoidance of situations that deeply need attention 23. Personal relationship with God causing conflict 24. Lack of appreciation 25. Lack or loss of a sense of wonder 26. Lack of faith in love and marriage 27. Insensitive teasing 28. Nagging 29. Lack of planning things together

4

Developing New Habits In Marriage “Make the path for your feet level, so that all your ways may be established” (Prov 4:26). In your marriage, are your “ways established,” so that you are habitually an excellent spouse? Habits can help you effortlessly make deposits into your spouse’s love bank or they can cause you to unknowingly make regular, massive withdrawals. By each spouse carefully rating their most important needs and expressing how they would like for them to be met, and rating the most damaging and painful “love busters” in the relationship, you can find out what you need to be doing (or stop doing) to help each other. With this knowledge you can go through the prayerful and disciplined process of developing new habits which do a better job of loving and serving your spouse. Stages In The Life of a Habit Most begin in a stage of unconscious incompetence, not aware of failed habits. Then you go trough pg. 5 with your spouse and are consciously incompetent, because you now know what you’re doing wrong. Hopefully, the gospel will drive you to work on changing your habits so that you begin to have conscious competence, diligently working at doing the right things. If you do this for awhile (on average, after about two months), you’ll enter the stage of unconscious competence, where you’re meeting your spouse’s needs by habit, without even realizing it. Tips on changing your habits: 1. Focus on your spouse. Communicate and learn what your spouse needs and develop fitting new habits. Many problems come from our ignorance of our spouse. 2. As you listen to your spouse’s explanation, don’t be defensive. Encourage openness and honesty. Otherwise, you’ll prevent growth and stifle communication. Whether you think it’s accurate or not, if your spouse feels this way, you must deal with the feeling. 3. Be committed to change, trusting in God. Understand, change takes time. 4. Focus on love busters first. You can’t build intimacy until walls are torn down. 5. Work on one big thing at a time (the one rated highest by spouse should be first to overcome). If you try to do too much at once you’ll get overwhelmed and give up. 6. Identify why you do what you do, what triggers it, and avoid those things. 7. Develop alternative behaviors as righteous substitutes for the bad habit. 8. Ask for weekly evaluation. It will often be two steps forward, one step backwards. That’s ok. Don’t give up. The new habit will be worth it.

5

How To Fall In Love, Again (Rev 2:4-5; 1Cor 13:4-7; Phil 2:3–4) As you reign in love busters and meet your spouse’s needs, you’ll love (and probably like) your spouse even more. Your self-sacrificial service may compel your spouse to meet your needs. Your marriage will be a source of strength for you both. You’ll be providing a helpful example for your children and a healthy atmosphere for them to flourish in. You’ll be a light for a dark world. And most importantly, you’ll glorify God. Love Busters Five basic categories of love busters are listed below. Before each love buster, write a number from 1-5 that ranks its relative contribution to your unhappiness. Write a 1 before the love buster that causes you the greatest unhappiness, a 2 before the one causing the next great unhappiness, and so on. List additional ones in the spaces below if needed. Share with your spouse and discuss openly. The worst one needs to be worked on first. __ Angry Outbursts __ Disrespectful Judgements __ Annoying Behaviors __ Selfish Demands __ Dishonesty __ ______________________________ 10 Basic Emotional Needs Ten basic emotional needs are listed below. To help you identify your most important emotional needs, rate each one in order of importance to you. Before each, write a number from 1-10 that ranks the need’s importance to your happiness. Write a 1 before the most important, 2 before the next most important, and so on. Out of love, your mate should focus on your top ones immediately and work at becoming an expert at meeting them. You should focus on meeting your spouse’s (even if they aren’t working at meeting yours). __ Affection __ Sexual Fulfillment __ Conversation __ Recreational Companionship __ Honesty and Openness __ Attractiveness of Spouse __ Financial Support __ Domestic Support __ Family Commitment __ Admiration __ ______________________________