Monster Hunter by Anthony Pearson

Anthony, I like this story. It is very creative. It would pair well with illustrations – fun illustrations! I love the names and descriptions you have come up with for the monsters. I like Jackie’s desire to be the youngest monster hunter in the history of history. The story advances nicely, but I have a couple concerns about the beginning and ending. There is great potential to grab the reader from the very first line, so I have suggested starting the story with “The hairy foot. The long curling toe-nails.” I believe this creates curiosity in a big way. Currently, the beginning is a little confusing. It becomes clearer as one reads on, but the first two lines aren’t grabbers. Following is my initial reaction as a reader CAPS indicate my thoughts: “Jackie scrambled behind the couch.” WHY? “She checked The Beast Menagerie.” WHAT THE HECK IS THAT? “(Fast fact: It was her favorite book. Times read: like a million). OH, THE BEAST MENAGERIE MUST BE HER FAVORITE BOOK, BUT WHY ARE THESE PARENTHESIS HERE AND WHAT IS A FAST FACT? The curiosity I had was frustrating curiosity brought on by confusion, not the good kind “I want to read more” curiosity brought on by images and sounds that made me want to know where things were going next. As far as the ending, it is sweet that the brother believes in Jackie. And I like the humor in the note where he writes “p.s. Try to not destroy stuff when catching your beast. Mom and dad HATE that.” However, I don’t feel like the ending is satisfying. I feel like the brother takes the focus off Jackie and her desire. The last line “But no one ever said monster hunting was easy.” almost feels like a cliffhanger, which I don’t think works well for young readers. I would like to feel like Jackie solved her problem or got her wish. Right now, I kind of feel like a bunny that had a carrot dangled in front of me and just when I was about to reach it, it was pulled away. I spent my time reading the story by cheering on Jackie – wanting her to catch a monster and become the youngest monster hunter in history (that desire was the bunny’s carrot). But after all that cheering, nothing happened. I would like to see Jackie’s goal reached in some way. Or if not that, then see her change or grow in some way - something that makes me feel like Jackie’s efforts and my cheering and desires for her were all worthwhile. I have pointed out a few places where words could be cut, but I think focusing on cutting more unnecessary words would tighten the story and make it a bit snappier.

I don’t feel like Michael adds much to the story. It seems his only purpose is to help wrap up the ending. I would rather see the word count from the “Michael scenes” used on “Jackie scenes” to develop a more satisfying ending. You are so darn close with this one Anthony. With a few tweaks and a stronger ending, I think you’ll have it. Nice job! Alayne Jackie scrambled behind the couch. She checked The Beast Menagerie. (Fast fact: it was her favorite book. Times read: like a million). The hairy foot. The long curling toe-nails. The scraping sound on the floor as it shuffled through the house.

The hairy foot. The long curling toe-nails. The scraping sound on the floor as it shuffled through

Comment [A1]: I think starting the story with “The hairy foot.. . .” might make for a much stronger hook. I have offered that version below, so you can get a feel for what I mean. “the hairy foot.” Really grabs one’s attention and creates big curiosity. Of course, the added words are just a way to make my example flow. I’m sure you can write it much better.

the house. It had to be the Ancient Gray-Footed Troll. Jackie checked her favorite book, The Beast Menagerie, and sure enough, there it was. The

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Ancient Gray-Footed Troll (Favorite food: goldfish. Sleeping habits: nocturnal. Magic powers. None).

It had to be the Ancient Gray-Footed Troll. (Favorite food: goldfish. Sleeping habits: nocturnal. Magic powers: None). “Jackie, what are you doing back there.” ?” It was mom. With with breakfast.

Comment [A2]: This is the only place where the book lists “Magic powers.” Could this be deleted or could magical powers be listed for the other monsters as well?

“GAH! You let him get away! Can’t you see when I’m trying to catch an Ancient Gray-Footed Troll?” “Sorry, dear. I made you toast.” Jackie could barely eat because she was so excited. Today was THE DAY. The day where sheshe

Comment [A3]: It almost sounds like Mom is apologizing for making toast. On the other hand, I like her nonchalant attitude – as if it is just another day with a monster hunter.

would finally, FINALLY, caught catch her first monster. She was going towould be the youngest monster hunter in the history of history. They’d probably even put her picture in the back of The Beast

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Menagerie, right next to all the other famous monster hunters. (Jackie’s favorite hunter: Artimus Finkle. Fast fact: He had caught 9 monsters in one year!) The basement was a great place to catch a monster. The Squid-Tooth Crunchbone (Likes: crunchy animals. Favorite food: porcupines) was known to lurk in dark corners near musty old clothes.) There were no clothes mustier than her dDad’s yard clothes. She Jackie heard it. She heard the low grumble of the Crunchbone’s stomach. The chunkachunkachnunka of it chewing through old power tools and the sewing machine.

Comment [A4]: Redundant. She heard – She heard Comment [A5]: How did she hear the grumble over the chewing. What do you think about changing things around a little? Expecting you would write it in your own sytle, I am only offering this as an example: “Chunkachunkachunka! That had to be the Crunchbone chewing through Dad’s power tools.” It brings the reader more into the experience and simplifies the sentence.

It was her brother, Michael. He was home from college. Washing clothes.

Comment [A6]: This seems inconsistent with the above “Likes: crunchy animals. Favorite food: porcupines” It doesn’t say anything about power tools and sewing machines. Or at the very least crunch “things” instead of “animals”

“Hey squirt. Whatcha doing?”

Comment [A7]: Is it important to the story that he is home from college?

“This is it,” She she whispered to herself.

“You aren’t the Squid-Tooth Crunchbone! You scared it off! Thanks for nothing!” She moped her way to her room. This wasn’t going to be easy. The life of a Monster Hunter was not easy. Jackie couldn’t give up. That’s not what the next great Monster Hunter would do. Where to go next? Where would a monster put it’s its lair? She flipped through The Beast Menagerie. “There! That’s it!” Jackie dashed out of her room. She pulled the cord in the hallway. Thump. She pulled down the attic ladder. Clomp. Dust trickled and must stenched its way down the ladder. Jackie smiled as she stared up into that dark space. Of course! Why hadn’t she thought of the attic before? It would be a perfect place for the twitchy-legged, bug-eyed, Marmalark (Sleep habits: never. Favorite drink: coffee). The Marmalark was quick. It was twitchy. She knew it there was no time for lurking. Sneaking was out of the question. CHARGE!

Comment [A8]: Is there some sort of transition that could be added here? To jump from “This is it,” she whispered to herself. To “It was Michael.” borders on confusing. My mind went, “What was Michael? Who is Michael?” Comment [A9]: I feel like this is stated well enough in the next sentence. To say it wasn’t easy in two different ways slows the story down. Comment [A10]: Why is monster hunter capitalized? Comment [A11]: Build? Formatted: Font: Italic Comment [A12]: As a standalone sentence this is unclear. What cord? On first read, I never imagined it was the attic ladder cord. Maybe, she pulled the cord that dangled from the hallway ceiling? But really, it could be deleted altogether. It is extra words that don’t change the meaning of the story. Comment [A13]: How will a young child reach the cord for the ladder? I’m an adult and I can’t reach our attic cord. Comment [A14]: Is this the sound of her climbing the ladder? Or the sound of dust trickling? I don’t think dust trickling would make that sound. If it is her climbing the ladder, several clomps might convey that more clearly. Or something like, Clomp, clomp, clomp. She climbed the ladder. Comment [A15]: Stench is a noun. It is used as a verb here. How about something like, “A musty stench poured from the opening. Bits of dust trickled down the ladder. Just an example. Comment [A16]: Funny! Comment [A17]: Is this Jackie speaking?

(next pages in total darkness except for the small light from the attic entrance) “I GOT YOU!” No! It was getting away! She crashed around in the dark. There was pushing and shoving–she couldn’t see a thing! Booms. Bangs! Crashes! The light flipped on. Jackie had not caught the Marmalark. Dad askedsaid, “Jackie, please tell me you have a good reason for destroying the attic in the dark.” Jackie let go of the coat tree. She explained it the best she could. “The only way to catch the Marmalark is to move fast. I didn’t want to break everything. I’m sorry. I’ll clean it up.” A million hours later, Jackie was in her tree house. What a terrible day. Then a sound drifted in…”Ma-Scree! Ma-Sckaw!”

Comment [A18]: Is this Jackie speaking? Comment [A19]: If she is crashing around in the dark, it is a given that she can’t see. What do you think about deleting this line and trying something like, There were pushes and shoves, booms and bangs. Although it could probably be written in more active voice. Comment [A20]: Since she “crashed” around in the dark, could this “Crashes” be deleted? Or is there another word to replace it with? Comment [A21]: Did it just come on all by itself? Comment [A22]: This tickles my funny bone for some reason.

Comment [A23]: “didn’t want to break everything” implies that she wanted to break some things. How about something like, “I didn’t mean to break these things.” Comment [A24]: Instead of “was” is there something specific she might be doing in her tree house?

Ma-Scree? Ma-Sckaw?

Comment [A25]: What is the purpose of this? It slows things down.

She called back, “Ma-Scree! MA-SCKAW!”

Comment [A26]: Did she look out, or look for the noise or whatever?

And there, nesting in her mother’s prized rose bushes, was a Flying Wombus (Habitat: Prickly places. Favorite Food: Petals). She Jackie slowly walked out of her tree house. She slowly went and got the butterfly net. She slowly stepped through the garden.

Comment [A27]: Is there a stronger verb that could replace this? Comment [A28]: Stronger verb? Comment [A29]: Stronger verb?

All the while talking to the Flying Wombus.

Comment [A30]: Stronger verb?

“Ma-Scree! Ma-Sckaw! Ma-Scree! Ma-Sckaw!” This was her chance.

Comment [A31]: Is this Jackie or the bird? If it is Jackie, maybe it should be next to the above line. If it is not Jackie, could we hear what she is saying to the bird?

One…Two…THREE!

Comment [A32]: Is this Jackie talking?

(An explosion of petals and a few feathers. Image of her leaping, lunging at the Flying Wombus’ wing, but then it spins and flies away. Jackie gets tangled up in the thorns)

Comment [A33]: Why the wing?

Comment [A34]: The reader should be able to deduce that it is bad. No need to “tell.”

This was bad. Her mom and dad had many words for her. (image of dad and mom fussing and yelling at her, Jackie is dangling in the bush, scratched and disheveled)

Comment [A35]: Why is Michael doing this?

Michael pruned and plucked the roses. She Jackie was in trouble for a billion years. But worst of all was the fact that she never caught her monster. That night after dinner, she went to bed. An awful day. A terrible day. she She was the worst monster hunter ever.… (image of a note on her bed with a large colorful feather taped to it) “Hey Squirt, I found this feather when I was fixing the roses. You must have been really close to catching that thing! I know you’ll get your monster sooner than you think. love, Michael p.s. Try to not destroy stuff when catching your beast. Mom and dad HATE that.

”

(image of Jackie smiling, laying on top of her bed, holding the Flying Wombus feather, her Beast Menagerie flipped open next to her) But no one ever said Monster Hunting was easy.

Comment [A36]: See my comments in the summary at beginning of ms.