Parent Powers: Having Conversations about Consent Talk is action, and knowledge is power, protection, AND prevention. Talking with your sons and daughters about the concept of consent is one of the most important things you can do to protect them and others from sexual abuse and assault. In this presentation, a sexual assault prevention professional offers motivation and tips for getting these conversations with your kids going. What should people keep in mind about sexual trauma and how to prevent it? 

Sexual trauma occurs at epidemic levels. It is a community issue that impacts all of us, including people of all genders, classes, ethnicities, ages, etc.

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To prevent sexual trauma we have to reduce the overall prevalence of perpetration. o Make consent and respect for personal and sexual boundaries normal. o Focus on reducing risk of perpetration. o Make conversations about consent and boundaries normal and ongoing, using everyday situations as teachable moments.

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The solutions to sexual trauma involve promoting healthy relationships and healthy, positive expectations regarding sexuality. All of us engage in intimate relationships, and we should all have the tools to do so in healthy, positive ways.

What are some tips for parents of young children? 

Foster trust with your child through open, honest, age-appropriate communication. Use proper terms, not nicknames, for body parts when assisting with changing diapers, clothes, or bathing. This may require challenging your own discomfort and feelings of awkwardness about bodies and sexuality, but this is important to do because sex offenders often exploit children’s shame, stigma, and ignorance about sexuality that has been passed down from their parents.

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Teach your child about the concepts of consent and personal boundaries as they relate to non-sexual interactions, and model respect for boundaries (e.g. tickling). You can say… o “Consent means permission. For someone to tickle you, they should have your consent, or permission. If you say ‘no,’ or ‘stop,’ they should stop.”

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“You asked me to stop, and so I did.” “All people (including kids) have a responsibility to respect other people’s boundaries. If someone tells you to stop and you keep going, that is wrong.”

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Never treat a ‘no’ as a ‘yes,’ even if you suspect your child is joking by saying ‘no.’ Only ‘yes’ means ‘yes.’ If they say ‘no’ but really want you to keep tickling them, stop and wait for them to clearly indicate that they want to be tickled some more.

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Open up conversation about healthy and unhealthy touches with your child. Let them think about and define what types of touches they do and do not like.

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Teach your child that they can be assertive and say “no” to adults. Never guilt, force, or pressure a child into showing affection, even to a family member. Model how to accept a ‘no’ even if it feels disappointing. You can say… o “Do you want to give Nana a hug/kiss? It’s your choice.”

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Allow them to have their own thoughts and feelings. Listen to your child when they express a feeling that you disagree with. Ask them open-ended questions about it. o What are you feeling? o Why do you think you feel that way? o What could I do to help you feel better?

What are some tips for parents of adolescent and teenaged children? 

Model asking for consent and respecting boundaries, generally. For example, you can ask, “Is it okay with you if I post this picture of you on Facebook?”

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Teach about sexual consent and respect for sexual boundaries, specifically. Make these conversations ongoing. You can say… o “No one’s body is public property.” o “If someone is intoxicated, they can’t consent to sexual interactions.” o “Consent should be ongoing, and a person can withdraw consent or say no/stop at any time. If a person says to stop and the other person keeps going, that is sexual assault.” o “It’s never okay to share nude photos or videos of another person without their consent. Doing so is a violation of sexual boundaries.”

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Discuss laws that govern teen sexual activity. Make sure they know that there is some sexual activity that, even if consensual in practice, is illegal due to age levels and age differences.

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Foster open, honest communication about dating, relationships, and sexuality. Share and discuss articles, videos, etc. with them. Ask them questions about… o How they see sex and relationships portrayed in media and among their peer groups and communities. o The difference between what they see as normal and what they know is healthy/positive. o Their personal beliefs and values about relationships and sex.

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Resist falling into the trap of sex-negative messages! Teach them about the concept of healthy sexuality, and that all sexual interactions should be consensual, mutual, informed, communicative, respectful, and enjoyable for all involved. Below is some food for thought from healthy relationship educators: o “We are taught two things about intimacy: what not to do, and what not to get.” –Mike Domitrz, Date Safe Project o “How can we possibly expect young people to go from those scary, sexnegative messages to establishing relationships based on trust, intimacy, and pleasure?...There’s plenty of talk about what not to do, but that doesn’t automatically provide a road map for creating a happy and successful sexual life.” – Al Vernacchio, For Goodness Sex o “Why aren’t we all socialized to expect and proactively ensure that every sexual interaction is marked by mutual enjoyment and respect?” – Brad Perry

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Model active bystander behavior and encourage your child to be an assertive, active bystander when they see a friend doing something messed up. Even simple statements, like “I disagree” or “Stop” can be powerful when spoken to a friend. Let them know that when they don’t feel safe to stand up to someone who is bullying or harassing someone, they can still offer support to a victim of harassment, bullying, or abuse. “I saw what happened. That wasn’t okay. If you want to report it, I will back you up.” As always, it’s important to model these behaviors for your children.

What are some common mistakes that parents make that, while well-intentioned, may have negative effects? 

Telling your kids that you will kill or commit violence against someone who touches them, or that you will be “going away for a little while.” This can put more stress on a child who is or has been sexually abused and prevent them from telling what is happening. Instead, tell your child that if anyone ever touches them or hurts them in a way that is inappropriate, that they can tell you and that you will be there to support them through it and address the issue. Make sure to focus your attention on your child’s needs, and remember that they need you to be present to support them and take care of them!

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One other common thing that parents do is hold separate and opposing expectations of how boys and girls should behave. Parents should stop themselves if they start to say things that “boys/girls should or should not do.” Instead, think about what a PERSON, regardless of gender, should be and do, and hold those expectations. In our society, we hold opposite expectations for boys and girls regarding sex, and this contributes to high rates of sexual assault and lots of assumptions, rather than open communication, about sex.

What are some other ways parents can take action to protect their children and help prevent perpetration of sexual trauma? 

Get informed! Contact STAR to learn about trainings and other educational resources that are available.

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Ask about policies and practices at your church, school, etc. related to sexual harassment. Speak up when you notice institutional representatives blaming victims for experiencing violence rather than holding people accountable for having committed violence.

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Educate other adults!

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Encourage your kids to take positive social action on this and other issues, and use technology/digital media for good. Contact STAR to learn about our 3-D Peer Educators program for high school students. Treat young people as if they are the solution, not the problem.

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If you suspect child abuse, report it! Call law enforcement or DCFS (1-855-4LAKIDS)

What are the takeaways? 

Take consistent action to teach, model and enforce healthy boundaries and behaviors for children in our care – without shaming children for normal, healthy expressions of sexual curiosity and development. By acknowledging that even young children have the right to set boundaries and have them respected, you are teaching your children that their feelings and boundaries matter, AND that other people’s feelings and boundaries matter.

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It’s okay to not know all of the answers! When our kids ask us questions, it’s an opportunity for us to learn, too. STAR is a resource for you in this case.

What can parents do if they want to learn more or ask follow-up questions? 

Contact STAR! [email protected] or 1-855-435-STAR

Quotes from Parents 

“I’d prefer an awkward comment to be made or strange feelings in a conversation over the alternative of shame, guilt or a terrible situation happening b/c she couldn’t talk to me.”

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“Our philosophy is that if he's old enough to ask a question, he's old enough to have an (age appropriate, but biologically/medically accurate) answer. Babies will never come from a stork. It's important that he knows exactly how anatomy works when he's says he is ready to know. Furthermore, by not treating anatomy or sexuality as taboo, we will guide him towards the development of his own sexuality with as little shame and awkwardness and as much trust as possible.”

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“It's a little tough to teach a toddler about bodily autonomy because sometimes you have to force them to do things they don't want to do for health or safety reasons, but repeatedly explaining the difference in as many different ways as possible helps a lot. I think the main thing is that you can't have just one conversation, it's a string of conversations, suggestions, questions, and modeled behavior that never stops.”

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“We carry on modeling consent with all interactions: ‘Can I have a hug? Can I have a kiss?’ We don't demand, and we don't force hugs and kisses if he doesn't want to give them. We also don't force him to hug or kiss friends and family without his consent. If he says no, and they try to force it, we protect him and offer them a high five or we give a hug/kiss in his place. We never guilt him when he denies affection. It's his to give, not ours to take.”

Additional Resources          

We Can Teach Kids About Consent Without Bringing Sex Into the Conversation Start the Conversation (WSCAP) Teens, Sex and the Law Sexual Development and Behavior in Children (NCTSN) An overview of healthy childhood sexual development (NSVRC) LoveIsRespect.org Video: Sex needs a new metaphor Video: Teachconsent.org Darkness 2 Light’s “Stewards of Children” Training For Goodness Sex: Changing the Way We Talk to Teens About Sexuality, Values, and Health, by Al Vernacchio