Still a Hothead From Wicked Is As Wicked Does by Todd Wallinger

Four famous fairy tale villains try to lure Fairy Godmother to the dark side.

FAIRY GODMOTHER, Cinderella’s mentor WICKED STEPMOTHER, Cinderella’s stepmother WICKED QUEEN, Snow White’s stepmother WICKED WITCH, Frog Prince’s nemesis WICKED FAIRY, Sleeping Beauty’s nemesis MAGIC MIRROR, Wicked Queen’s sidekick

FAIRY GODMOTHER: Well, if it isn't the Wickeds! I didn't think you'd have the guts to show your faces around here anymore. WICKED STEPMOTHER: Listen, I know we haven't always gotten along in the past— FAIRY GODMOTHER: Gotten along? You tried to prevent Cinderella from trying on the glass slipper! WICKED STEPMOTHER: I don't know what the big deal is. If you used magic to create one pair of glass slippers, you certainly could have created a second pair. FAIRY GODMOTHER: That's not the point. That glass slipper was Cinderella's, fair and square. You had no right to keep her from it— WICKED QUEEN: You know, maybe it would be better if I talked to her. WICKED STEPMOTHER: Please do. She's still just as much of a hothead as ever— FAIRY GODMOTHER: I'm a hothead? Hoo boy! Look who's talking! WICKED QUEEN: Fairy, please. FAIRY GODMOTHER: It's Ms. Godmother to you.

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WICKED QUEEN: Fine. "Ms. Godmother." Look, we know we've done wrong, but it's not like we've killed anyone. And besides, we're trying to pay our debt to society. I've spent over 600 hours cleaning the palace. Wicked Fairy has been traveling around the kingdom making sure every spindle has a warning label on it. And Wicked Witch is leading a campaign to ban the eating of frog legs. WICKED WITCH: Believe me, you don't want to find out those legs used to wear pantaloons. FAIRY GODMOTHER: So why have you come to me? WICKED QUEEN: I'm afraid we have some bad news. The four of us Wickeds are going to be banished to Grimstad. FAIRY GODMOTHER: And the bad news is...? WICKED QUEEN: Okay, so maybe you don't care if we're sent away. WICKED FAIRY: But think of Snow White or your precious Cinderella, going through life without a stepmother. WICKED STEPMOTHER: After all, a wicked stepmother is better than no stepmother at all. FAIRY GODMOTHER: Who's going to banish you? WICKED QUEEN: Prince Intolerable. FAIRY GODMOTHER: Oh, man. That guy. I can barely tolerate him. WICKED WITCH: I know, right? WICKED FAIRY: What does Snow White see in him anyway? WICKED QUEEN: I think she sees a lot of potential. You know how she busted her hump cleaning the dwarfs' cottage? WICKED FAIRY: Yes? WICKED QUEEN: Well, the Prince is just another home improvement project to her. FAIRY GODMOTHER: That's all well and good, but you still haven't told me why you're here.

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WICKED QUEEN: It's very simple. We need you to prevent the Prince from marrying Snow White. We're not allowed to use any magic, of course, but we were thinking maybe you— FAIRY GODMOTHER: Oh, no, no, no, no! Queen Snow has banned magic for everybody, and that includes me! WICKED QUEEN: I know, but you have a spotless record. No one's going to get their breeches in a bind if you perform one spell. WICKED STEPMOTHER: All we're asking for is a bippity. WICKED WITCH: Or a boppity. WICKED FAIRY: Or one little boo. FAIRY GODMOTHER: No! I am not going to use my magic for wickedness! WICKED STEPMOTHER: But it wouldn't be for wickedness. WICKED FAIRY: It would be for good. FAIRY GODMOTHER: Oh, really? Whose good? WICKED STEPMOTHER: Everyone's, of course. WICKED QUEEN: That's right. Do you think Prince Intolerable will stop with us? Oh, no. Once he takes the throne, he'll get rid of everyone who stands in his way. WICKED FAIRY: We have to stop him before he banishes the entire kingdom! FAIRY GODMOTHER: I'm sorry, but my answer is no. WICKED STEPMOTHER: (Looks around the room.) You know, it's too bad you're stuck in this dingy little apartment while Cinderella and Prince Charming are living at the palace. WICKED WITCH: Wasn't it you who brought them together in the first place? FAIRY GODMOTHER: I'm not one to impose. I mean they just got married. They probably haven't had time to clean out the spare room yet. WICKED STEPMOTHER: The palace has 128 spare rooms. WICKED WITCH: You'd think one of them would be available.

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WICKED STEPMOTHER: Did they remember to send you a thank-you note? FAIRY GODMOTHER: Well, no. WICKED WITCH: Or a gift card to Wands 'R Us? FAIRY GODMOTHER: Look, whatever they do is all right with me. I just want them to be happy. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to my game show. WICKED QUEEN: Come on, girls. We'll never get through to her. (The WICKEDS move away to huddle.) WICKED FAIRY: What are we going to do? WICKED WITCH: Yeah. If we don't use magic, the wedding is sure to take place. WICKED QUEEN: Oh, we'll use magic. We just have to make sure we don't get caught. (Pokes MAGIC MIRROR, who has his eyes closed.) Hey, Glass Face. Wake up! MAGIC MIRROR: (Opens his eyes.) Huh? Oh, sorry. I was watching a documentary on Neo-Impressionism. WICKED FAIRY: I like Magic Mirror. He always sounds so cultured and refined. WICKED WITCH: Yes, well, he is very polished. WICKED QUEEN: (To MAGIC MIRROR.) Can you tell us where Snow White is? MAGIC MIRROR: Hold on. I have to change channels. (Closes his eyes again.) Ah, there we go. The signal is a little weak, but it looks like Snow White is heading to an important meeting with someone. WICKED QUEEN: Who is she meeting with? MAGIC MIRROR: Let's see. The signal is coming in stronger now. Yes, I can see it clearly. It's someone who's going to challenge her, someone who will push her beyond the normal limits of human endurance. WICKED QUEEN: Her personal trainer? MAGIC MIRROR: No. Her wedding planner. WICKED QUEEN: You heard him, girls! Let's vamoose! (The WICKEDS start to leave.) MAGIC MIRROR: A little help here?

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WICKED QUEEN: (Trudges back.) I knew I should have gotten the compact model.

To purchase the entire play, email the playwright at [email protected].

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