The Bro Code

Table of Contents 1.

Bro Etiquette

2-5

2.

Wingman

6-8

3.

Girlfriend

9

4.

Favors

10

5.

Food

11

6.

Defense

11

7.

Ownership

12

8.

Punishments

13

1

The Bro Code

Article 1

Bro Etiquette

Bros before hoes. This article has supremacy powers. It can and will always override any opposing article.

Article 2

One Bro makes a solo attack. A Second Bro provides a crutch, A third Bro rounds out the pack, But a fourth Bro is one too much

Article 3

A fellow Bro’s sister is off limits for hookups unless you intend to seriously pursue a relationship. Any other non-immediate family member is fair game.

Article 4

A Bro may never pursue the mom of another Bro. Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal activities with another Bro's mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia, and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. [[NOTA BENE: It is customary for a Bro to avoid such Brocularity if his Bro's mom is a 9 or better, for fear of Oedipal inducement.]] Should a Bro discover his Bro is in fact adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro's adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating non-biological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative deoxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is easiest. Since the adopted Bro cannot legitimately claim to have shared a canal with his Bro, ARTICLE 4 expressly prohibits the adopted Bro from invoking the Sloppy Second clause in any related filings with the International Court of Bros. Though the mom of a Bro is always off limits, the step-mom of a Bro is allowed if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing if she looks good in it. In the case of lesbian parents, no matter how hot, both women are recognized as the Bro’s “biological” mothers.

Article 5

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another Bro is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait a minimum of 30 minutes, but you are highly suggested to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Article 6

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

Article 7

If a Bro’s zipper is down, you are obligated to let him know. Just don’t stare.

2

The Bro Code Article 8

If a Bro has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However, an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.

Article 9

No Bro shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Bro.

Article 10

Bros may never wear Speedos, unless they are swimmers. In that case, it is only acceptable during a competitive event.

Article 11

Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit, DON’T wear whitey-tighties. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.

Article 12

When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your Bro in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

Article 13

Never talk to another Bro in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line. For all other situations an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine. Never use the urinal adjacent to one already being used, unless there is no other option.

Article 14

The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend,” go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Article 15

When coming to a room that you know is occupied by your Bro and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs and the door is locked, a 15 minute period is required before knocking again.

Article 16

A Bro’s gotta scratch what a Bro’s gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the Bro be.

Article 17

If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another Bro below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apology or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

Article 18

No Bro shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:  Figure skating  Men's gymnastics  Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)

3

The Bro Code Article 19

When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to exercise shows, women’s athletics, and on some occasions, surgery programs.

Article 20

A Bro never rents a chick flick.

Article 21

A Bro should never cry during a movie. In the event that he does, he must under no circumstance admit it to anyone other than a girl he is trying to score with. Exception: A Bro cry is permissible in certain cases. Each Bro cry shall be judged on a subjective case by case basis.

Article 22

Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:  When a heroic dog dies to save his master.  After being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph.  When your date is using her teeth.

Article 23

Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

Article 24

A Bro shall never help another Bro apply sun tan oil or lotion.

Article 25

If your Bro says "Lick my nuts" as a way to put you down, don't try to be funny by saying "OK" and moving your head towards his crotch. Just don’t do it.

Article 26

A Bro may not speculate as to the expected Bro/chick ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.

Article 27

Any girl that has passed out in an area occupied by more than one Bro is not up for grabs under any circumstances. However, said girl can be subjected to humiliating photos as long as other Bros are alerted to its undertaking.

Article 28

A Bro never admits he can't drive, even after an accident

Article 29

A Bro never publically reveals how many chicks he's banged. Additionally, a Bro never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.

4

The Bro Code Article 30

If a Bro is seated next to some dude who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced that the on-flight movie is 27 Dresses. (See article 20).

Article 31

Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as "Gimme three!" or "Wow, quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball!” It's still a high five, and that Bro still has a lot of balls… metaphorically speaking, of course.

Article 32

When questioned in the company of women, a Bro always claims to be ignorant of the difference between real and fake breasts.

HOW TO HANDLE FAKE BREASTS

Wrong Answer Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake. Bro: Totally. Unnatural is unsexy. Chick: So you've been staring at her breasts, huh?

Wrong Answer Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake. Bro: Whose? Chick: You know who I'm talking about. Bro: Oh. Yes, those must be fake. Chick: So you've been staring at her breasts, huh?

Wrong Answer Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake. Bro: No? Chick: Well then, why don't you go marry her, then???

Correct Answer Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake. Bro: I wouldn't know. Chick: Oh. Well they are.

Article 33

A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room

Article 34

When in college or living in an apartment, a Bro should refrain from having sexual relations of any sort with any female that lives on the same floor as him.

5

The Bro Code

Article 34

Wingman

Never sabotage a Bro while he is trying to pick up a girl.

Article 35

When a Bro is trying to pick up a girl, you must do everything in your power to ensure your Bro gets said girl, including: laugh at his jokes, talk him up, help him exaggerate stories, or claim that he has saved you from drowning in the ocean.

Article 36

Falling on a grenade for a Bro (agreeing to distract the friend of the babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty, but should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your Bro is forbidden to ever speak of it.

Article 37

Should a Bro (1st, 2nd or 3rd) be hooking up with an unattractive woman that he will regret later, the Bro that notices this must do all in his power to stop him from closing the deal, unless he is helping another Bro with Article 36.

Article 38

Before allowing a drunken Bro to cheat on his girl or mount the beast (unless in the case of Article 36), you must attempt multiple interventions. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "fuck off" then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on, it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

Article 39

A Bro shall never rack jack his wingman. In some cases it may be helpful to recite the Wingman Pledge before going out to an event.

The Wingman Pledge

I shall uphold the Bro Code to the fullest of my ability. I will never allow my wingman to go home with less than a six. I agree to swap rounds of anything with my wingman. I will never rack jack my wingman, no matter how hot the chick. I pledge to never leave a wingman behind when invited to a party. If my wingman meets a hot chick with an ugly friend, I will jump on the grenade. If my wingman gets rejected by a chick, I shall quickly agree that she sucked anyway, even if I thought she seemed kind of cool and interesting. Should my wingman strike up a conversation with a chick of a questionable legal age, I will certify her birth date. If I discover evidence that my wingman's chick is in a relationship, I shall make that info available to him, unless it's pretty clear the boyfriend/husband isn't there. I shall honor and respect the dibs system.

6

The Bro Code Article 40

It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man in having a MFF threesome.

Article 41

Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's three-way (MMF).

Article 42

A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight. A Bro must never hesitate before communicating the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety [[HENCEFORTH "GIRL FIGHT"]], in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A timely manner is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro's viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video, or barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime. Tabling Bro obligations to witness a XX chromosomal scuffle is not only condoned, but encouraged, and in some cases, required.

Article 43

A Bro will, whenever possible, provide his Bro with protection. In the event that one Bro finds himself lacking the necessary prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect his Bro to use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. When a Bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his Bro will discontinue all present activity [excepting the act of coitus itself [whereby which Bro vows to finish as quickly as possible]], in order to respond with a panoply of options at Bro-inneed's location. A Bro must acquire the most rapid method of transportation available while endeavoring to assist his Bro. In the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of an airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary Bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. However, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation are the responsibility of the secondary Bro alone as this is an instance of Quid Pro Bro. Upon arrival at the primary Bro's location, the secondary Bro must exercise complete discretion so as not to disrupt the primary Bro's "flow." It is understood that a Bro will engage in all training necessary to achieve this objective, including, at minimum, a five month Ninjitsu curriculum mastering the twin arts of stealth and secrecy.** Once the primary Bro has been supplied with the necessary prophylactic(s), the Brocedure is deemed complete upon exchange of the traditional, though in this case silent, "high five." Tacit in this unspoken ritual is the understanding that said episode will never be spoken of again, unless it's part of an awesome story.

Article 44

If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arm’s reach of your Bro, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

Article 45

A Bro checks out another Bro's blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down.

7

The Bro Code Article 46

In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If they both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who brought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven't purchased drinks yet, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet Broshambo (Rock, paper, scissors) shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still present.

Article 47

If a Bro be on a hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or temporary immigration to a foreign country. Exception: Dry spell trumps hot streak in levels of priority.

8

The Bro Code

Article 48

Girlfriend

An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year

Article 49

If a bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro's anniversary with a chick or the birthday of said chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows.

Article 50

When questioned by a Bro's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

Article 51

Before dating a Bro's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "Man, you’re gonna love the way she licks your balls"

Article 52

While your girlfriend must bond with your Bros’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, the opposite is not necessary. Low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

Article 53

If your girlfriend asks to set your Bro up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you are obligated to get your Bro out of it.

Article 54

If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide. Said Bro may be subject to removal from the Bro-therhood.

Article 55

A Bro never shares observations about another Bro’s smoking-hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying, “She’s smoking-hot, huh?” a Bro stays quiet.

Article 56

Your Bro takes priority over your girlfriend if you ever have an extra ticket to a sporting event. The Bro whose favorite team is playing in said event gains priority over other Bros. If his favorite team is the same as yours, they gain even more priority, unless you wish to mock said Bro when his team loses. If there is more than one Bro left to choose from, they must play Broshambo (Rock, Paper, Scissors) for the open seat. Any Bros left out will be treated to a free round of drinks later.

Article 57

A Bro will drop whatever he's doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick.

9

The Bro Code

Article 58

Favors

10

Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a Bro out of jail within 24 hours. Exception: If the bail is ridiculously expensive. Hint: Multiply the years you have been bros by 100.

Article 59

A Bro must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

Article 60

You cannot rat out a Bro who shows up to work or class with a massive hangover, and you are obligated to help him keep his secret.

Article 61

When Bros are up for the same promotion/job position and are subjected to interviews, Bros in a prior interview must alert bros of any and all trick questions they can remember. This ensures all Bros get an equal chance at the position/title because it is well known fact that the Bros performing the interview wants to get the process over as quick as possible and the only way for a fair chance is to make all subsequent Bros seem better.

Article 62

A Bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furniture. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are - in most cases, stuck in the doorway.

The Bro Code

Article 63

Food

11

Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your Bro's refrigerator is forbidden, but gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

Article 64

Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.

Article 65

If you go the bar with your buddies, you must buy a round of drinks at least once. The Bro with the better paying job is required to buy the first round. If the other Bro is temporarily out of money or left his wallet at home drinks can be lent, but in the long run these drinks must be repaid, later that night by wingman services or any other act of entertainment or at the next gathering.

Article 66

Defense

Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

Article 67

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts.

Article 68

If your Bro is in a fight, you must jump in. Exception: If during the past 24 hours your Bro has broken Bro code or deserves a good ass-kicking, you can choose whether or not to help.

Article 69

The Golden Rule. Duh.

The Bro Code

Article 70

Ownership

12

Seat tap must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.

Article 71

The Bro who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.

Article 72

When a Bro introduces fellow Bros to their hot female friend, the introducer has the rights to the girl. The introduced Bros can only attempt to get the girl if the introducer Bro gives his consent.

Article 73

Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies, as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time. Shotgun works as follows. If shotgun is called and followed by “No challenge,” that Bro reserves the right to sit wherever they so choose, front passenger seat is implied. If they do not say “No challenge,” any other Bro may “challenge” their call to shotgun with a game of Broshambo. A Bro may not have shotgun on the way there and back, unless they have a permanent Bro-gun established with the driver. Each Bro may only have one Bro-gun. Even if one Bro has established Bro-gun with another Bro, the second Bro is not obligated to choose the first Bro as his Bro-gun as well. If two Bros have both established Bro-gun with the same Bro, they must compete to call “Shotgun” or “Bro-gun” first. There can be no challenge. A Bro’s seat is reserved if said Bro gets out of the car for a rest stop.

The Bro Code

Punishments

13

If and when a violation occurs, a Bro has the right to administer on the offending Bro a level of punishment befitting the infraction. He may choose from the Approved Punishments list.

Approved Punishments • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Revocation of wingman status Text blackout Designated all-time tip leaver Assigned to solar-refraction seat in living room Removal from inappropriate email forwards list Temporary blacklist from barbecues/football Sundays Loss of permanent shotgun status Bumped from top position on "not using season tickets” list Removal from holiday card mailing list Revocation of airport picking/drop-off privileges Must help offended Bro move heavy furniture Temporary removal from usual golf foursome Must return stuff loaned from offended Bro... even stuff he thinks his Bro forgot about them No longer allowed to borrow the truck Offended Bro no longer required to bring beer over

14 Note from the Editor The Bro Code

To whom this may concern: I sincerely hope you have enjoyed reading my interpretation of the Bro Code. This began as a summer project of mine, but it has turned into a personal achievement that I’m very proud of. It’s my hope that one day this will be viewed and employed by more than just my small circle of friends. I was originally inspired by an argument with one of my Bros. We were discussing the exact rules of Bro Code and the punishments that go along with them. It was then I realized that we had no standardized rules to go off of. While searching Bro Codes on the internet, I noticed that many of them were either contradictory, unorganized, or just plain douchey. After that, I decided that I would dedicate my time to the creation of a set of rules all men could agree on. While not all of them are meant to be taken seriously, I do believe that many of these rules are essential for any man to know. Many of the articles you have read here are not mine. Some of them have come from Barney Stinson’s Bro Code, while others have been taken from obscure Bro Codes on the internet. My intention was not to plagiarize or take credit from their work. I merely meant to build upon the successes of those great men that founded the Bro-therhood by compiling and organizing some of their best ideas. In short, I want to thank you for your time. I wish you the best of luck in all of your endeavors. Remember: keep your friends close, and your Bros closer. Love,

Haroon SherJan Editor, Compiler, and Author for the Bro Code