The Evil Ringing Machine From The Bow Wow Detectives by Todd Wallinger

A mysterious smuggler tries to plant a book containing a stolen necklace at a used bookstore.

FRISKY, terrier secretary SAM SPAYED, German Shepherd detective SHERLOCK BONES, bloodhound detective

(SAM and SHERLOCK are sprawled on opposite ends of a couch. The phone rings. Jumping up, FRISKY runs in circles and barks wildly.) FRISKY: Help! Help! It's going to get me! It's going to get me! (The phone stops ringing. Trembling, FRISKY hides behind the desk. SAM and SHERLOCK wake up.) SAM: Did you hear something, Sherlock? SHERLOCK: Was it the sound of a refrigerator being opened? SAM: No, I don't think so. SHERLOCK: Was it a can of dog food being opened? SAM: No, not that either. SHERLOCK: Was it a bag of treats being opened? SAM: No. I don't think it had anything to do with food. SHERLOCK: Then what did you wake me up for? (Lays his head back down.) SAM: I'm going to find out what it was. (Goes to the desk.) Frisky! What are you doing here? FRISKY: I'm protecting you from the evil ringing machine! SAM: What evil ringing machine? FRISKY: That evil ringing machine! (Indicates the phone.)

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SAM: Is that what was making that sound? FRISKY: Yes! It was ringing and clanging something awful! It's evil, I tell you! Pure evil! SAM: Frisky, that isn't an evil ringing machine. That's a telephone and it's your job to answer it. FRISKY: Answer it? SAM: Yes, you know. Pick it up and put it to your ear. FRISKY: And let it go for my throat? No way! SAM: It won't go for your throat. I promise. (Pets the phone.) See? Nice phone. Now you try it. Just reach out and touch it. FRISKY: All right. But if it goes for my throat, I'm never trusting you again! (Touches the phone. It starts to ring. FRISKY falls to the floor holding the phone to her throat as though it's attacking her.) AAAAAH! I'm going to die! I'm going to die! SAM: Oh, for Pete's sake. Here. (Grabs a chew toy from the desk and tosses it to FRISKY. FRISKY caresses it lovingly.) FRISKY: Oh, Binky! I love you! Don't ever leave me again! SAM: (Into phone.) Hello. Bow Wow Detective Agency... What's that?... You're the victim of a horrible crime?... What happened?... You're right! That is horrible! Why, I don't think I've ever heard anything so horrible in all my years of detective work... Why, yes. Of course we can solve it. We've solved hundreds of cases just like yours... All right. We'll be right there. (Hangs up.) Sherlock! We've got our first case! SHERLOCK: (Lifts his head.) What's the case? SAM: A missing bone! SHERLOCK: Is that all? Wake me up when we have a real case. (Lays his head back down. SAM tugs on SHERLOCK.) SAM: Oh, no, you don't! You need to get up! SHERLOCK: Would you stop hounding me? SAM: But this is my big chance! If we solve this case, the police might let me back on the force!

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SHERLOCK: Look, Sam, it's just a bone. It's not something really valuable, like a shoe. SAM: I know, but we can't be picky. We've been open for three months now and this is the only case we've gotten! SHERLOCK: But that bone could be anywhere. How are we ever going to find it? SAM: Maybe you could use that legendary nose of yours to sniff it out. SHERLOCK: If my sniffer is going to solve this case, then it's going to need plenty of rest. (Lies back down. SAM takes a bag of bacon bits out of her pocket.) SAM: I've got bacon! SHERLOCK: (Sits up.) I'm up! I'm up! Just give me the bacon and no one gets hurt! SAM: Uh uh uh! Not unless you agree to help me! SHERLOCK: I agree! I agree! Now give me the bacon! (SAM hands the bacon to SHERLOCK. FRISKY jumps up and down.) FRISKY: Where are you going? Where are you going? SHERLOCK: Is that a dog or a nervous breakdown with fur? SAM: Actually, this is Frisky, our new secretary. SHERLOCK: Oh? What does she do? SAM: (Watches FRISKY jump up and down.) Pretty much that. SHERLOCK: You have got to stop hiring terriers. FRISKY: Can I go with you? Can I go with you? SAM: No, you can't come with us. We have a very important case to solve. FRISKY: But I've always wanted to be a private eye! SHERLOCK: I wouldn't hire you to be a seeing eye. SAM: Look, Frisky, I know you want to be a detective, but detectives have to be brave. You're afraid of telephones. You're afraid of doorbells. You're afraid of vacuum cleaners. You're afraid of everything!

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FRISKY; But— SAM :Sorry, Frisky. The answer is no. Come on, Sherlock. Let's go. SHERLOCK; You know, I'm afraid of vacuum cleaners. SAM: We're all afraid of vacuum cleaners.

To purchase the entire play, email the playwright at [email protected].

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