Egypt Ain’t Coming to Us From How I Met Your Mummy by Todd Wallinger An ancient Egyptian priestess sneaks into a museum in order to take the mummy “home”.

PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH (ENTERS, carrying a large cloth purse. Sees the sarcophagus and falls to her knees.) Oh, great and powerful Yo-Wut-Sup! Your loyal servant Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh has traveled 8000 miles to find you. I've crossed the desolate sands and battled the stormy seas. I've waded through swamps teeming with snakes and climbed mountains so steep I nearly plunged to my death. And all because I forgot my plane ticket at home. (Moves the chair next to the sarcophagus and sets her purse on it.) Well, don't worry. I have come to take you back to Egypt, the land of our ancestors. You will soon be resting in your own tomb again. (Tries to lift the sarcophagus. It won't budge.) Well, maybe not that soon. (Tries again. No luck.) You had to get one of these big cushy models, didn't you? Well, I tell you what we're going to do. We're going to leave this sarcophagus here and pick out a little sporty number when we get back to Cairo. (Opens the sarcophagus, grabs RALPH's arm, and tries to hoist him over her shoulder. RALPH is disguised as a mummy.) Come on, big boy. Work with me here. Egypt ain't coming to us. (Tries again to hoist RALPH. He isn't going anywhere.) So you're going to make me do it the hard way, huh? All right, fine. I'll raise you from the dead, but don't come crying to me when you realize your hairstyle is 3000 years out of date. (Grabs a jar of powder out of her purse.) First, crushed dung beetles for strength. (Shakes the powder over the mummy. She takes a taste of it.) Hmmm. Not bad. (Grabs an amulet out of her purse.) Next, the sacred amulet for light. (Raises the amulet in the air. Nothing happens.) Dang it. The battery's dead. (Tosses the amulet aside and grabs a wand out of her purse.) Now let me see if I remember how to do this. It's been so long. (Chants.) Wee-ma-wucca! Nee-ma-wucca! Hop-sen-rah! Sis-ko! Mees-ko! Im-ho-tah! (Goes into a cheer routine.) Winnemucca! Winnemucca! Sis-boom-bah! Wildcats! Wildcats! Rah! Rah! Rah! (Stops.) Wait a minute. That's not right. (Hears someone approach.)Alas, Master! I must flee! (Closes the sarcophagus and throws her things into her purse.) Oh, quit complaining. You've been waiting 3000 years to come back to life. Another ten minutes isn't going to kill you. To purchase the entire play, visit www.pioneerdrama.com.