F TROOP "The Midnight Ride of F Troop"

written by Chris Morgan

Chris Morgan [email protected]

1.

ACT ONE INT. TROOP BARRACKS - EARLY EVENING O’ROURKE, AGARN, STARR, and SMATHERS are playing poker. Agarn is puffing on an e-cigarette. O’Rourke rakes in another big pot. O’ROURKE Another big pot for me, boys. Thanks for showing up. I get bored with beating myself. Gosh hand hand with

STARR durn it. I haven’t won a poker in a decade, and I only won that because the guy I was playing died before the flop.

A bugle blares “Yankee Doodle.” SMATHERS That’s the dinner horn. Anybody know what we’re having? O’ROURKE You’re the cook, Smathers. You tell us. SMATHERS Oh, that’s right. I’ll have to get back to you. And I’ll have to get going. Smathers gets up and rushes out of the room. Starr gestures toward Agarn’s e-cig. STARR Say, what’s that thing you’ve been puffing on? AGARN It’s an electronic cigarette, Starr. Electricity is the future. O’ROURKE If you ask me, it looks stupid. AGARN Nobody asked you... but you think I look stupid? O’Rourke nods in the affirmative. Agarn takes it out of his mouth and tries to stub it out.

2.

Of course, since it is electronic, it doesn’t work, a hilarious mistake on Agarn’s part. STARR Well, I better hurry up and get to the mess hall. Last time I was late, a duck took my seat. Starr tries to hurry out of the room, tripping over an ottoman in the process. AGARN So, how’d you do it? O’ROURKE How’d I do what? AGARN Win so big tonight. What trick did you use this time? O’ROURKE The easiest trick of all; playing poker against terrible players. Agarn is offended. O’Rourke smirks, and gets up from the table. AGARN Where you headed? O’ROURKE The captain said he needs to see me. The last two times he tried to see me I told him my grandma died. Now I’m out of grandmas, and out of options. AGARN I’ve got a grandma I could lend ya. O’ROURKE I’ll take a rain check for the next time I need to get out of a date. INT. CAPTAIN PARMENTER’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER PARMENTER is sitting behind his desk, polishing a rifle. There is a far off look in his eyes. There’s a knock at the door. PARMENTER Who is it?

3.

O’ROURKE (O.S.) Sergeant O’Rourke, sir. PARMENTER Come in. O’Rourke enters and saunters over to the desk. O’ROURKE Sorry I’m late. I had to give a nurse directions to a barrack. And then I had to give her directions to the restaurant we’re having dinner at tonight. Parmenter is unresponsive. O’Rourke sits down, a concerned look upon his face. O’ROURKE (CONT’D) You feelin’ alright, Cap? PARMENTER I’ve never felt better, Sergeant. I feel a clarity of mind and soul beyond what the normal human being can ever dream of. I know my purpose. I know what I need to do. O’ROURKE Well, I hope it’s giving me a raise. PARMENTER It’s time for us to declare war on the Hekawi tribe. O’ROURKE (dumbfounded) I’m sorry, I think I misheard you. Did you say you want to declare war on the Hekawi tribe? PARMENTER I did indeed! For too long, we’ve live side-by-side, an uneasy tension between us. It is going to spill over someday, Sergeant. Why not get out ahead of things? O’ROURKE But, but, Fort Courage and the Hekawis have live in peace for, like, 50 years. Their land is mostly a casino now! A nice one, too. Have you seen some of those cocktail waitresses?

4.

PARMENTER Are you not familiar with the Trojan Horse, O’Rourke? A casino is a perfect front for a war machine. I’ve read that on the internet. O’ROURKE You’re just a captain, though! You can’t declare war, have you gone mad!? PARMENTER Have you see Apocalypse Now, Sergeant? O’ROURKE No, but I saw the porn parody, so I got the gist of it. PARMENTER Sometimes, a man must take a war into his own hands. We attack at midnight. Alert the men. By tomorrow morning, the Hekawi tribe will be a threat no longer. You are dismissed. O’Rourke stands up in indignation. O’ROURKE You have gone mad! All that “Scourge of the West” stuff has gone to your head. I’m, I’m... O’Rourke has a classic caper in mind. O’ROURKE (CONT’D) I’m going to alert the men right now. We’ll have to change into our black ops gear, after all. Captain, they are going to give you another Medal of Honor for this. O’Rourke turns and leaves. He pulls out a cell phone telephone. O’ROURKE (CONT’D) Hello, Chief? Are you free for dinner? There’s something very important I need to talk to you about. HEKAWI CASINO AND RESORT - LATER O’Rourke walks into the casino, and heads toward an exclusive lounge where HAPPY BEAR is standing guard.

5.

O’ROURKE Hey Happy Bear, the Chief in there? Happy Bear stands silent. O’ROURKE (CONT’D) Can you let me in? We’ve got business to discuss. Happy Bear is unmoved. O’ROURKE (CONT’D) It’s a matter of life and death! Happy Bear doesn’t flinch. O’ROURKE (CONT’D) A moron doesn’t say, “What?” There is no response from Happy Bear, but CHIEF WILD EAGLE calls to O’Rourke. CHIEF WILD EAGLE (O.S.) O’Rourke, is that you? Happy Bear, let the man through, you putz. O’Rourke gives Happy Bear a friendly pat on the shoulder, and then walks by. He takes a seat across from Wild Eagle. CHIEF WILD EAGLE (CONT’D) Would you like something to eat? I recommend our kreplach. O’ROURKE Sounds good. Wild Eagles snaps to a waiter, who comes over and plops a plate down. O’ROURKE (CONT’D) Wow. That was fast. CHIEF WILD EAGLE Eh, somebody else was picking at it, but it’s mostly untouched. Hey, it’s free. So, what’s this about? I hope you aren’t just angling for tickets to tonight’s Pat Benatar show. O’ROURKE No, it’s...

6.

CHIEF WILD EAGLE Because you already got tickets to two shows, and her residency is ending soon so... O’ROURKE For once, Chief, I don’t want anything from you. Captain Parmenter is planning an assault on the Hekawi people tonight. CHIEF WILD EAGLE What? Is he meshuggenah? This isn’t the Wild West. We don’t go around with tomahawks and go on a war path! My son Bald Eagle goes to Vanderbilt! I’m friends with Kelsey Grammer! O’ROURKE Relax, Chief. Don’t choke on your kreplach. I’ve got a plan. CHIEF WILD EAGLE Oh, you always have a plan! You had a plan to turn Roaring Chicken into a celebrity psychic. Now he’s in prison! O’ROURKE He’s in prison because he exposed himself at a Baskin-Robbins. CHIEF WILD EAGLE That’s besides the point. If most of your plans go wrong, we lose some cash. If this plan goes wrong, we lose our heads. O’ROURKE Chief, O’Rourke Enterprises has a major hand in the Hekawi Casino and Resort. If anything breaks bad, I’m up Schmidt’s Creek without a paddle, because Schmidt’s Creek is the fastest way out of town, and because I lost my paddle when a bear took it. CHIEF WILD EAGLE Fine, what can I do? O’ROURKE Do you know any building supply companies and any manual laborers?

7.

CHIEF WILD EAGLE I’m in the casino business, so yes. O’ROURKE Great. Get a bunch of stuff together and then drive it out to the desert. Middle of nowhere. CHIEF WILD EAGLE I’ll put Crazy Cat on it. O’ROURKE In that case, I’ll write down everything we need, and pin it to his shirt. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go see Wrangler Jane about some men. CHIEF WILD EAGLE We’ve got men here. O’ROURKE The men I need are dummies. CHIEF WILD EAGLE So are mine. O’Rourke and Wild Eagle share a quiet beat. Let that joke marinate. END OF ACT ONE

8.

ACT TWO INT. WRANGLER JANE’S TRADING POST - LATER O’Rourke saunters into Jane’s store. He sees WRANGLER JANE with a CUSTOMER. WRANGLER JANE Sorry, all these furs are faux. CUSTOMER Eh, that’s OK. I guess something doesn’t have to die for my daughter’s sweet sixteen. I’ll take four. WRANGLER JANE Four faux furs for your daughter? You got it! Jane rings it up. The customer leaves, and O’Rourke walks up the counter. WRANGLER JANE (CONT’D) Morgan! It’s good to see ya. What can I do ya for? O’ROURKE How many mannequins you got? WRANGLER JANE Oh, I don’t know, nine, 10? O’ROURKE How much to buy them all? And do you know where I can get some more? WRANGLER JANE You wanna buy my mannequins? But what’ll I put my clothes on? O’ROURKE Your body? WRANGLER JANE I mean my clothes that I’m sellin’, not that I’m wearin’. And what are you lookin’ for so many mannequins for? O’ROURKE I need them to stand in for Hekawis. So I probably need some brown paint too.

9.

WRANGLER JANE Oh, Morgan. What do you got cooked up? O’ROURKE Well, your boyfriend... WRANGLER JANE I don’t know if he’s my boyfriend anymore. Wilton has been distant for a few days. I try callin’ him, but he don’t pick up. He don’t respond to my texts. Not even a single emoji! O’ROURKE That might be for the best, Jane. The Captain has gone off his rocker. He’s planning an ambush of the Hekawi tribe. WRANGLER JANE He’s fixin’ to do what!? Jane picks up a rifle and whirls around. O’Rourke grabs the rifle and stops her. O’ROURKE Where do you think you’re going? WRANGLER JANE I’m gonna put a bullet between that weasel’s eyes. I’ve done it to an actual weasel, so this shouldn’t be difficult. O’ROURKE You aren’t an assassin, Jane. You’re a store owner. And a postal worker. You don’t want to go around shooting people and being an ugly stereotype, do you? I have a plan. It’s fool proof. Just sell me your mannequins and trust me. Jane lowers her gun. WRANGLER JANE Fine. But if I find out your men are dressing these mannequins up as women and going on dates with them, I’m going to be steamed.

10.

O’ROURKE Great. I need to get back to the barracks to start phase two of the plan. INT. TROOP BARRACKS - LATER O’Rourke has been explaining his plan to Agarn. O’ROURKE You think you can handle your part of this plan, Corporal? AGARN I think so, but this is a lot of pressure, O’Rourke. This isn’t like dressing up as a lady to scam a fur trader out of a few shekels. O’ROURKE I trust you, Randolph. I need to go tell the other men about the plan. Are you ready. AGARN I’m ready. The two men shake hands. O’Rourke tries to turn to leave, but Agarn doesn’t let go. He collapses into tears on O’Rourke’s chest. AGARN (CONT’D) Oh, Sarge! EXT. REMOTE DESERT LOCATION - LATER Several men are working building a facade in the desert. A military truck pulls up. O’Rourke gets out of the truck and walks up to CRAZY CAT. O’ROURKE How’s the build coming, Crazy Cat? CRAZY CAT Pretty good. If this goes well, maybe the chief will finally step down and let me take over as manager of the casino. You know who got Pat Benatar to agree to do a residency? You’re looking at him. O’ROURKE I was able to get 30 mannequins.

11.

CRAZY CAT You think that will be enough? O’ROURKE If everything goes smoothly, it should be. CRAZY CAT Building a fake casino front and putting fake people in front of it and trying to pass it off as real. Where’d you get such a cockamamie plan? O’ROURKE I saw it in the movie Blazing Saddles. CRAZY CAT Did it work? O’ROURKE It’s kind of hard to say. The movie just sort of peters out into some fourth wall breaking fight. I think Harvey Korman leaves the film in a taxi. CRAZY CAT Sometimes it’s like Mel Brooks just refuses to see anything through, you know? How about a little more consideration toward plotting? O’ROURKE It’s worked for him though. CRAZY CAT Oh, there’s no denying that. He has a following. O’ROURKE A devout following. CRAZY CAT But I just can’t get into it sometimes. But I do like Spaceballs. O’ROURKE Yeah, Spaceballs is great. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to the fort to keep your people from being massacred.

12.

CRAZY CAT Sounds good. I’ll call you when we finish the build. O’ROURKE OK, but you guys better step on it. You all need to be long gone by the time Captain Parmenter shows up. INT. CAPTAIN PARMENTER’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Parmenter, now clad in all black, is smearing black facepaint on. There’s a knock at the door. Parmenter doesn’t answer. The door opens a smidgen, and Agarn pokes his head in. AGARN Captain Parmenter, sir? PARMENTER What is it, Corporal? Parmenter enters the room carrying a tray. Upon the tray is some lemons, some sugar, and a pitcher. AGARN I was wondering if you’d like some lemonade. PARMENTER Lemonade? AGARN Yes. I’ve been making lemonade for the troops. Thought it might be a good morale boost before this big ambush. PARMENTER I don’t really like lemonade. AGARN That’s only because you’ve probably only had it pre-made. That store bought stuff is junk. This is the real deal. C’mon, you don’t want to be thirsty while you’re trying to wipe out the Hekawi, do you? PARMENTER Fine, but make it fast. Agarn places the tray down on Parmenter’s desk.

13.

AGARN Great! But I can’t make it to fast, Cap. Making lemonade can’t be rushed. It’s a labor of love. Agarn begins slices lemons and squeezing the juice into the pitcher. AGARN (CONT’D) Boy, I’m pretty jazzed for this mission tonight. I mean, I’m a bit on edge about it, because it’s so huge. I could really use an e-cigarette but I dropped mine into a sewer grate. Also... Agarn squirts lemon into Parmenter’s eyes, blinding him. He yowls and stands up. PARMENTER Ow! My eyes! Lemon juice hurts them! AGARN Oh geez, Captain, I’m so sorry. Here, let me just... Agarn squirts more juice into Parmenter’s eyes. PARMENTER Ow! You did it again! AGARN I don’t know what’s wrong with me, today. Let me get you a towel. Agarn squeezes some lemon juice into the towel and hands it to Parmenter. Parmenter wipes his eyes, stinging them further. PARMENTER Ow! I think there is lemon juice on the towel! Get me one from my washroom. AGARN Yes, sir. Agarn runs toward the washroom, grabs a towel, and then quietly skulks back to the desk. He takes the bag of sugar, and pours it into the intercom. He then tip toes back to the washroom door, and the runs back toward the desk.

14.

AGARN (CONT’D) Here you go, sir. Is there anything else I can do? Parmenter dabs his eyes with the towel. PARMENTER No thank you, Corporal. You’ve done quite enough. You’re dismissed. AGARN Yes sir, sorry sir. Agarn hurries out of the room. INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Agarn pauses for a moment, and then sets down the lemonade tray and makes a run for it. INT. TROOP BARRACKS - MOMENTS LATER O’Rourke is setting up a poker table when Agarn comes running into the room. He takes a moment to catch his breath. O’ROURKE How’d it go? AGARN It went about as well as it could. I got him in the eyes twice, and then I squeezed some lemon juice into a towel before I handed it to him. O’ROURKE Lemon juice in a towel? That’s a clever move. Agarn, I don’t know why everyone says you’re so dumb! Did you get the intercom too? AGARN Yep. He’s out of contact with the fort at large. O’ROURKE Alright, now it’s my turn to take back over with the captain. I’m handing this over to you. O’Rourke pulls out two cases of beer bottles.

15.

O’ROURKE (CONT’D) Now, the ones I put a piece of tape on are the ones I poured a little vodka into. Those are the Captain’s. Be sure he gets those. AGARN Roger that, Sarge. Good luck. O’Rourke leaves. As soon as he is out of sight, Agarn picks up a beer and opens it. AGARN (CONT’D) Might as well have one. I think I’ve earned it. INT. CAPTAIN PARMENTER’S OFFICE - LATER O’Rourke opens the door while knocking on it. Parmenter looks at him, squinting. PARMENTER O’Rourke, is that you? O’ROURKE Yeah Cap, it’s me. Corporal Agarn told me what happened. You OK? PARMENTER I’ve been better. My eyes are a bit sore, and my vision is blurred, but I’ll survive, I think. O’ROURKE Listen, Agarn is feeling bad about all this, and he wanted me to invite you to our poker game tonight. Want to swing by, have a couple beers, play some cards? PARMENTER I don’t know if I should. It’s not a good time for me to be fraternizing with the men like that, especially not tonight. Have you forgotten our important mission? O’ROURKE That’s an even better reason to do it. We should all probably blow off some steam. A couple beers won’t kill you Captain.

16.

PARMENTER Well... I suppose some relaxation might be in order. It could help kill this eye pain, if nothing else. Alright, I’m in. O’ROURKE Great. See you in a few minutes, sir. Bring your money. You may be my commanding officer, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to take it easy on you. O’Rourke turns to leave, but Parmenter stops him. PARMENTER Wait a moment, Sergeant. O’Rourke stops. O’ROURKE Yes? PARMENTER My eyes still aren’t great. Mind if I use you as a seeing eye dog? O’ROURKE Not at all. Parmenter walks over and grabs O’Rourke by the arm. They head toward the door. PARMENTER I hope you don’t mind me referring to you as a seeing eye dog. O’ROURKE That’s alright. There are a few women who’ve called me a dog before and it’s never bothered me. END OF ACT TWO

17.

ACT THREE INT. TROOP BARRACKS - EVENING O’Rourke, Agarn, DUDDLESON, DUFFY, and Parmenter are playing cards. They all have a couple beer bottles in front of them. O’Rourke rakes in another pot. O’ROURKE Trips eights, boys. Read ‘em and weep like your mama just left your daddy. AGARN Geeeeeeez. I’m losing my shirt over here. PARMENTER Say, did any of you guys see Katy Perry at the Super Bowl? What was with those dancing sharks? It’s, like, Jaws: The Musical or something. O’Rourke, Agarn, and Duddleson all laugh an insincere laugh. O’ROURKE Oh, Captain. You are as insightful and topical as ever. Ante up, gentlemen. The guys all throw in their ante while O’Rourke shuffles up and deals. DUDDLESON You said there was going to be snacks, Corporal. What’s the deal? AGARN For crying out loud, Duddleson! You came with your own birthday cake! DUDDLESON Yeah, but it was only one tier. Had I known you weren’t going to give me anything to eat, I would have gone two tiers at least. O’ROURKE You want another beer, Captain? PARMENTER I don’t know. I’m feeling a little tipsy.

18.

O’ROURKE After two beers? I didn’t realize you were such a lightweight. PARMENTER (indignant) Lightweight, huh? I’ll show you. Beer me, Agarn. Agarn picks up one of the beers with tape on it, peels the tape off, and hands it to Parmenter. AGARN Bottoms up, sir. Parmenter throws down the beer. O’ROURKE I’ll bet 10. DUFFY Call. PARMENTER Call who? DUFFY No, I’m just... PARMENTER Here, use my phone. Parmenter pulls out his phone, but he drops it. PARMENTER (CONT’D) Whoopsies. He goes over to pick it up, and in the process steps on it. He picks it up. PARMENTER (CONT’D) Looks like I broke it. O’Rourke whispers an aside to Agarn. O’ROURKE Things are breaking our way even when we aren’t trying. Keeping him away from a phone can’t hurt. AGARN OK, boys. Let’s see your hands.

19.

DUFFY I’ve got a pair of aces, and a pair of eights. DUDDLESON Oh, the dead man’s hand. Duffy checks his pulse. DUFFY Nope, not yet. O’ROURKE Flush. Looks like I win again. The others grouse. Agarn whispers to O’Rourke. AGARN It’s not enough for you to get our captain drunk as part of an elaborate plot to con him, but you’ve got to take our money too? O’ROURKE Shuffle up and deal! INT. TROOP BARRACKS - LATER The card game is coming to a close. DUFFY Well I took a bath tonight. Now, time for me to take a shower. PARMENTER I’m going to turn in as well. Thanks for the invite, boys. Parmenter gets up. O’ROURKE Wait a second, Parmenter, what about the mission? PARMENTER Which mission? Mission Viejo? I’ve never been there. O’ROURKE No, the ambush of the Hekawi. It’s after midnight. It’s time to hit the road.

20.

PARMENTER I don’t know. I’m feeling a little drunk. Maybe we can wait until tomorrow. O’Rourke and Agarn look at each other with concern. AGARN But, but... O’ROURKE But what if tomorrow is too late? PARMENTER What do you mean? O’ROURKE You said it yourself, Captain. You can’t trust these Hekawi. If you wait, it may be too late. It has to be tonight. It has to be now. PARMENTER You’re right. Thank you, Sergeant, for clearing my vision. We shall attack now, and strike while the iron is hot. Round up the troops and prepare the vehicles. Tonight, we become heroes. INT. ARMY VEHICLE - LATER O’Rourke, Agarn, and Parmenter are chugging along in an armored vehicle. Parmenter is nodding off in the passenger seat. O’ROURKE You alright over there, sir? PARMENTER Yes. I’m just resting my eyes before battle is all. EXT. REMOTE DESERT LOCATION - MOMENTS LATER TROOPER VANDERBILT and Crazy Cat stand in front of the finished facade of the Hekawi Casino and Resort. There are assorted mannequins decked out in traditional Native American gear. Vanderbilt is looking through binoculars. CRAZY CAT Are you seeing anything?

21.

VANDERBILT There seems to be a bunch of fireflies headed our way. CRAZY CAT Give me those. Crazy Cat grabs the binoculars. CRAZY CAT (CONT’D) That’s them. Hit the lights, hit the music, and let’s get out of dodge. Vanderbilt throws a switch that turns some floodlights on, illuminating the casino front. Crazy Cat turns on a PA system, which blasts the Florida State University fight song. CRAZY CAT (CONT’D) I’m driving, buddy. The two hop in a jeep and fly down the road. INT. ANOTHER REMOTE DESERT LOCATION - LATER A little ways away from the casino facade, the vehicles come to a stop atop a hill. The men all get out. They are armed and armored. PARMENTER OK, men, listen up. AGARN Aaaaa-aaahh! PARMENTER Thank you, Corporal. Gentlemen, you know the drill. We have the enemy off guard. Look at them, partying at their casino out there. They are none the wiser. Be careful. Be quiet. Stay low. This should all be over in no time. Everybody loads their weapons and arms them. The men, other than Parmenter, look at each other knowingly. Everybody gets on the ground and points their guns. PARMENTER (CONT’D) Ready...aim...hold on a second I think I might be sick...false alarm...fire! A hellfire of bullets rains down upon the casino front and the mannequins. Mannequins fall over and stuff. Chaos. Like Saving Private Ryan, but more so.

22.

PARMENTER (CONT’D) Hold your fire! The men stop shooting. AGARN It’s looking good, Captain. PARMENTER You think so? I can’t quite make it out. O’ROURKE Oh yeah, I think we got ‘em good. Better make some space for that medal, sir. PARMENTER I don’t know. Let’s approach and make sure of it. Leave no man left standing. O’ROURKE Uh, I don’t know about that. Seems unnecessary. Let’s just get out of here just to be safe. PARMENTER Nonsense, Sergeant. We have them outnumbered. There is nothing to fear. Parmenter starts to head toward the casino facade. Desperate, Agarn sticks out his foot. It works, as Parmenter trips over it, sending him flying headfirst down the hill. PARMENTER (CONT’D) Ugh, my head. AGARN Sir, are you alright? Parmenter starts to get up. Agarn steers him so that he’s looking away from the casino front. PARMENTER I think so. But I’m going to have a heckuva headache tomorrow. O’ROURKE Sir, while you were falling down the hill we checked out the casino. Nobody is left standing. We’ve done it.

23.

PARMENTER We have? Well, good. Back to the fort then, soldiers. Just throw me in the backseat. I need to rest. Two SOLDIERS prop up Parmenter and take him up the hill. Once he is out of sight, O’Rourke and Agarn celebrate. AGARN We did it! We did it! O’ROURKE This is my best con yet. Also, my least lucrative. So maybe it’s my worst. There’s going to be a lot of poker games going on the next couple of weeks. INT. HEKAWI CASINO AND RESORT - THE NEXT MORNING O’Rourke walks up to Chief Wild Eagle having brunch with BARKING DOG. CHIEF WILD EAGLE O’Rourke, great to see you. Care for a mimosa? O’Rourke sits down. O’ROURKE Morning drinking? Who can say no? A waiter hands O’Rourke a mimosa. He takes a sip. CHIEF WILD EAGLE This is my friend Barking Dog. O’ROURKE How’s it going Barking Dog? BARKING DOG OK, I guess. My feet are killing me. CHIEF WILD EAGLE How did last night go? O’ROURKE Went off without a hitch. Parmenter was none the wiser. I had a couple guys go out and break the whole fake casino down this morning. Other than a bunch of bullets, there is no sign anything ever happened there.

24.

CHIEF WILD EAGLE So we’re safe? O’ROURKE As long as Parmenter never steps foot in this casino. CHIEF WILD EAGLE I hope he’s not a Loverboy fan. They are playing here next weekend. Thank you, O’Rourke. You are a true friend. O’ROURKE And a true business partner. CHIEF WILD EAGLE Right, right. I hear ya. Go see Whispering Breeze and she’ll get you your cut. Now, if you’ll excuse us, Barking Dog and I are going to take a schvitz. O’Rourke and Wild Eagle shake hands and say their goodbyes. EXT. FORT COURAGE GROUNDS - DAY Men are milling about within Fort Courage, going about their daily business. Parmenter is among them, shuffling along with an ice bag on his head. PRIVATE DOBBS blares “Dixie” right by his ear. PARMENTER Not the right time, Private Dobbs. DOBBS Sorry, sir. O’Rourke comes upon Parmenter. O’ROURKE How are you feeling this morning, sir? PARMENTER Well, my eyesight is better, but my head is killing me. O’ROURKE I’ll whip you up one of my hangover cures. I just need to pick up some chicken broth from Smathers. PARMENTER I’d appreciate that.

25.

A shot rings out. It hits Parmenter in the leg. AGARN Shots fired! Shots fired! We see Jane with a rifle stomping toward Parmenter. WRANGLER JANE Parmenter, you no good lout! I heard about what you did! O’ROURKE Jane, calm down. Everything is fine. Jane comes to a stop over Parmenter. She points the rifle at his head. WRANGLER JANE Things most definitely are NOT fine, Morgan. I can’t let this stand. O’ROURKE You don’t want to do this, Jane. We can’t just stand by and let you walk out of here if you do. WRANGLER JANE I’ve made my peace with that. Jane cocks the gun. PARMENTER Please Jane, not in front of the men. Jane pulls the trigger. Parmenter is dead. Jane drops the gun. O’Rourke solemnly slaps handcuffs on her. They turn and way away. AGARN Wait a second, Sergeant. O’Rourke and Jane stop and turn around. AGARN (CONT’D) Who says I’m dumb!? Everybody shares a laugh. Good times. END OF EPISODE