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Transparency Tools and Transparency Groups Fingerbook

The development and printing of this finger-book has been supported by the Federation of Egalitarian Communities (www.theFEC.org) Mutual Aid Fund. These tools are in use at both Acorn and Twin Oaks communities. PDF versions of this finger-book can be found at www.tinyurl.com/transparencytoolsfingerbook

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Starting up You will need at least 3 people and it’s best if the group is fewer than a dozen. You should find a group who is willing to meet regularly, weekly is often desirable. Frequently, the members of these groups share something in common, a hobby, a residence, a team, a job, a community, a political, or a spiritual group. Transparency groups are not for everyone. Often people who start out in them drop out when they find it is not their cup of tea. Basic Tools For all of the exercises, decide as a group which ones you want to do. Because we’re doing this to increase connection, it’s important that everyone is on board with what’s going to happen. This may include some individuals who support the group doing the exercise, but are not available to actively participate.

Transparency Tools and Transparency Groups

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This book uses the pronouns them/they instead of the gendered he/she. What is a transparency group and should I join/form one? A group of people willing to share intimate information about themselves with each other, who are willing to explore their histories and emotions. While transparency groups are not designed to be healing in nature, it is generally the case that these groups/practices improve the lives of those who try them.

Resources Point A Website : www.FromPointA.org Paxus' Blog : www.funologist.org New World Practice : www.newworldpractice.wordpress.org Intentional Communities Directory: www.ic.org

4 "If you really knew me ..." is one of the most basic tools for these groups. You complete this sentence with something which is largely not known by the group. It could be personal, it might be significant or just interesting, “If you really knew me you would know I had a fight with my lover this morning.”; “If you really knew me you would know I am afraid of heights.”; “If you really knew me you would know I want to change jobs”; “If you really knew me you would know I am doubting my faith.”;”If you really knew me you would know I don’t trust my boss.”; “If you really knew me you would know I have felt sick for days.” You can have one or several rounds of “If you really knew me”’s at the start of your meeting.

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"Intimacy...can only occur when the heart is undefended." -Jett Psaris and Marlena S. Lyons

Crosstalk - with many tools it is important to let people finish what they are saying, or for everyone to get a chance to speak before you add something which was inspired by the things others said. And an important part of transparency work is saying how things others have said impact you, especially if they evoke strong feelings. Crosstalk is where you respond to another person's spoken sharing. Suggestions for cross talk: • If you are hurt or angry about something said, start your cross talk with asking if they are ready and willing to hear your feelings (see withholds). • Be concise and if possible specific • Talk more about your feelings and less about what you think.

18 Sentences do not have to be factual, you are encouraged to try on something even if you’re not sure- no one is taking this as truth. For example “I feel angry that my husband hates me, I feel sad he thinks I am ugly”... staying away from very meta abstract sentences such as “I am angry that I have a negative interpretation of my husband’s actions”, instead go for “I am angry I think this”. Also feel free to change words to represent feelings, especially encouraged with ‘angry’ is to say “I hate that” or “I can’t stand that” or curse. Make it real. After you have exhausted angry, sad, afraid, and guilt, move on to the grateful, happy, secure, and proud side. Repeat each category until you feel done. Its ok to move back and forth from angry to guilty and back to angry, if stuff comes back up. Follow the general order, but don’t worry if feelings show up “out of order”.

7 Withholds - The group decides collectively to do a round of withholds or unsaids. This gives people an initial opportunity to declare their interest or lack of interest or emotional availability to participate. If you look around and you notice there’s someone with whom you feel some tension, or with whom you are feeling less open to communicating candidly because of some unexpressed feeling or undisclosed upset, then you have a withhold.

One of the purposes of these groups is to move through these feelings, or beliefs, by expressing them. Another purpose is to increase connection, and one way we block connections is by letting little upsets or fears pile up.

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19 Transparency is not Consensus • Use sentences starting with “I ….” rather than “You....”- This will help eliminate judgmental statements, which tend to raise defensiveness and are generally recommended to avoid. • Crosstalk should be about things between you and the person you are responding to regarding things that they have just recently shared with the group

“What is hard for me to say is ...”

Shame, embarrassment and reservation are all targets of transparency techniques. This simple fill in the blank exercise is a sister to “If you really knew me”. It is also usually done in a go-round format and can be followed by crosstalk.

Imagine it this way: we each have a “communication channel” to each other.

When we don’t say something, and it’s still bothering us, then that “unsaid” or “withhold” starts to clog the channel.

Whatever is unexpressed and/or unreleased starts to pile up and the “communication channel” between us then becomes clogged.

While this finger-book recommends use of transparency techniques in collective decision making groups, it is not a decision-making model. It is not a replacement for consensus or sociocracy or other decision-making models. These transparency tools are designed to help us better understand each other and build trust. They are not a substitute for a formal decision-making process, though they usually help these processes run more smoothly. What the authors of this guide recommend is that collective groups run their decision making practice and their transparency work separately.

17 I feel angry that … I feel sad that.... I feel afraid that … I feel guilty that...

I feel grateful that... I feel happy that... I feel secure (or hopeful) that... I feel proud that …

Following the order and trying each one on is an intention and an attempt to fan out the feelings, as getting in touch with things that might be obscured is thought to help us move past something. Identifying what might be affecting us is a powerful way to overcome it, or at least understand it and ourselves. The sentences should be short, and simple language. Think of 5 or 6 year old language.

16 Flow of Feelings - Quick emotional cycling techniques borrowed from Emotional Brain Training: The Natural Flow of Feelings, also known as Emotional Housecleaning:

This is a method of taking some trash out. Only one person does a flow at a time, the others only listen attentively and do not interrupt or comment. It’s a flushing out of the emotions.

I have a story about you. In this exercise participants are encouraged to tell stories they have about other members in the group, which are based on their assumptions or extrapolations. “I have a story that because you just had an ugly polyamory break up you are doubting your commitment to poly and are wondering if you should go back to monogamy.”

This limits our ability to be authentic and fully engaged with the other person. So, sharing withholds is done in order to keep a channel clear and release a block.

Because these are sometimes hard to hear, you should ask permission of someone. The standard format is: Chris: “Sandy, I have a withhold for you. Can I share it with you?” [Sandy checks in to make sure they can do two things: 1) they can actually listen to something that might be difficult to hear, and 2) be able to contain their reaction to hearing it.] Sandy: “No” Chris: “Thank you.” - or Sandy: “Yes” Your job when someone shares a withhold with you is to listen, and not respond. It’s helpful to remember that when someone shares a withhold with you, it’s in order to increase their sense of connection with you, not from a desire to blame or attack. After the withhold has been expressed you say “Thank you” to the person. If you did not understand their share you can say you have a clarifying question. But if you don’t agree with what they said or you want to correct their understanding of what happened, this is not the right time for that.

The prioritized responses you are looking for are: 1. What is true about your story that i had not seen before is ____ 2. Perhaps the reason you have this story is a piece of my history that you are perhaps unaware of. 3. I have a strong emotional response to this story because _____ 4. [Non-defensively as possible] This is why I think your story might not be true _____

In some cases the person sharing can request that the listener say back what they heard, to ensure their communication got across. If this is done, the listener shares back, sometimes word for word, what they heard and if it is close enough to what the person sharing said, then you’re done.

10 If Sandy says “no”, the conversation ends and it is important for Chris to not try to convince Sandy that he should be allowed to tell her anyway. After the withhold is shared Sandy says: “Thank you”. A back and forth about the content of the withhold does not take place until 24 hours have passed.

When Chris tells Sandy the withhold, as much as possible, they talk about their distrust or judgment, rather than venting from an angry place. “I heard that you said.......... and I felt upset about that. I thought you were being selfish and inconsiderate.” OR “I saw you do....... and I made it mean that you.................... Now I worry that you will................” Don’t get too hung up on the format, Chris is encouraged to express how they really feel about whatever it is Sandy did or said.

15 What are your blind spots - this could be done as part of a hot seat exercise or by itself. People take turns volunteering to be the focus person. Everyone else shares their thoughts: What do you think are the problem areas that a member of the group is not seeing about themselves? Are they denying something which others think are true? Etc. People hearing about their blind spots are encouraged to start responding by saying “What feels true about what you are saying is ...” Rather than responding defensively or contradicting the suggested blind spot. As with anything in these groups, you participate because you want to see yourself more clearly and hearing from others is a way to achieve that.

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Usually withholds are done in clusters, as in, the entire group takes time to see who has withholds with whom and then several people take turns sharing withholds with various others, always starting with: “I have a withhold for you. Are you open to hearing it?”

The people asking the questions should not avoid difficult or challenging questions, but their questions should come from genuine interest and/or good intentions. It is okay to be critical, if this will help the person see themselves more clearly and reveal self destructive patterns.

Hot Seat - This tool selects a specific person who the entire group will ask questions of - usually for a fixed period of time (between 5 and 15 minutes is recommended). Questions should be designed to be helpful and make the focus person be self revealing or gain deeper insights. The person in the hot seat should try to help the group see them more clearly - to be transparent.

In the last minute, the time keeper asks for ‘burning questions’ indicating that time is almost up, and encouraging those people who haven’t asked their significant questions yet, to no longer postpone.