Christian Dating

A Pastoral Care Plan By Yuji Ogura

Needs Assessment SPECIFIC TARGET CONTEXT The context that I chose to target with this six part lesson plan was for Grace Taiwanese Presbyterian Church in Temple City, CA. The reason for this target was that most of the youth at this church (my home church) are either seniors or juniors in high school. On average there are about 15-20 youth at this church and many of which have come by invitation from friends. The church itself is fundamentally Taiwanese yet most of the youth do not share family connections with the older Taiwanese Congregation. OBSERVATION OF CONTEXT NEED For most of the youth at Grace Taiwanese Presbyterian Church, they are either in dating relationships or were in dating relationships. Yet none of the youth are presently married which means this study is applicable to most if not all of the youth. I had a conversation a while back with a 6th grader at my church and he mentioned to me that he already had a girlfriend. While that is obviously a very young age to start a relationship, the fact is that ages for boyfriends and girlfriends are going down rather than up. In the past there used to be strong family structures where couples could grow within the guidance of their parents. Yet today most family structures in the Asian American communities are far from strong and children are rushing into relationships to find some semblance of attention or acceptance. The need for this study is plain and I hope for many of the youth that it is not too late.

Pastoral Care Plan STATEMENT AND DEFINITION OF A PASTORAL CARE NEED Prof. Rick Franklin’s definition of a pastoral care need is, “A relationship initiated by a person seeking help with a specific problem, whereby a pastoral counselor responds in a short-term, structured manner characterized by compassion with a focus upon ‘being with’ the person and helping the person to find relief from the problem and promote personal growth in the Lord.” 1 In this case the pastoral need which needs to be addressed is the relationship of dating in the context of a Christ centered worldview. While there are thousands of resources that claim to give advice in dating, this study is focused on how dating works within the lives of those who are following Christ first. This study is meant to be encouraging and uplifting for the believer, and decides to take a positive outlook upon the subject of dating. PASTORL CARE PLAN There are two elements to this pastoral care plan addressing the issue of dating. The first is a content element where outlines for each of the lessons are meant to be communicated in Sunday School fashion to the recipients. Questions and concerns are meant to be encouraged during this time. The second section is a relational element where the recipients are individually broken up into groups of four. This either means two couples in each small group or four singles. Mixing the genders during this relational element will be encouraged although

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Franklin, Prof. Rick, PT707 Bp PowerPoint-109, p. 16.

there may be questions during the interview that will be gender specific. With each group of four, a trained leader will interview the two couples or four singles on the questions given in each lesson. Discussions will be encouraged during this time and every small group leader will be free to choose which questions to ask and to whom. Following are a list of lessons and their titles. It is my hope that through these lessons believers will be encouraged to walk in a way that is favorable to God and grow spiritually within their dating relationships. SIX SIMPLE LESSONS ON DATING •

Lesson 1: o Your Relationship with God before Someone Else

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Lesson 2: o Ready to Find Someone? Then Who?

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Lesson 3: o When the Problem is with You •

Lesson 4: o When the Problem is with Your Date

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Lesson 5: o Dangers in Dating

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Lesson 6: o Your Relationship with God with Someone Else

Lesson 1: Your Relationship with God before Someone Else 2

™ The Proper Perspective on Dating (Note that citation references made at the beginning of major sections refer to the main sources used for the entire section, other sources may be added as deemed necessary)

o Bring your dating life before God ƒ If God is the giver of all good things, would he not bless this step in your life? ƒ If God is our spiritual father, should we not seek guidance/seek permission from him first? ƒ All of our lives should be submitted to God ƒ “Acts 17:28 28 for "'In him we live and move and have our being'; as even some of your own poets have said, "' For we are indeed his offspring.'” ƒ The more we surrender to God the more he will be able to work within us. o Dating as idolatry ƒ Dating can bring some very powerful emotions ƒ It can possibly detour a spiritual relationship with God ƒ What often occurs is that a relationship with God is contingent on how well a dating life is going. • If the date is going well, then spiritually things are good. • But if the dating life becomes miserable, so does the spiritual life. ƒ The ultimate question, regardless of the current condition of your dating relationship is: does your date either brings you closer to God or farther away from God? ƒ My definition of an idol: An idol is anything that takes the place of God in your life. (Is dating a part of that?) o What needs to grow between the two of you… ƒ Faith Story ƒ Values • Theology • Calling • Relationships • Job/Career hopes • Finances • Family • Social Issues ƒ Struggles ƒ Spiritual autonomy • This is the idea that the couple each has their own 2

Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John, Boundaries in Dating, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) p. 51-59.

spiritual lives before they met one another. If the dating relationship happened to not work out, then they would still continue with their spiritual lives. ƒ Friendships ™ Making God part of the Plan 3 o God is concerned about being involved ƒ Can we trust God daily to leave our troubles/anxieties in his hands? ƒ It can be challenging to leave the concerns about our relationships with God • The tug on our heart to give up our concerns, ought to lead us to prayer. o God desires to be your priority ƒ Instead of fitting God into our lives, we have to build our lives around God ƒ It begins with getting to know God ƒ Then reorganizing our entire lives • We will need his help, and he will help us. ƒ Things might be lost, but what we will gain, will be much more important ™ Relational Element o Things to consider (Connections between your dating and spiritual life) 4 • Rarely if ever do our relationships ever leave us the same. • The questions then that we have to ask ought to determine whether our date brings us closer or father away from God. ƒ Are you intending to grow closer to God through your date? ƒ Do you have an “alliance” with your date in your spiritual walk? ƒ Do you spiritually grow from your interaction with your date? ƒ Does your date challenge you spiritually? ƒ Is the person you are dating authentic in reality as well as spiritually? ƒ Is there a mutual vulnerability spiritually? o Things to consider (Following God’s heart) 5 ƒ Is following God’s plan for dating a chore or a choice? ƒ Do I walk this path alone? ƒ Am I willing to give up things for what I might gain? o Things to consider (Spiritual foundations) 6 ƒ Can you make faith a part of your relationship from the beginning? ƒ What dangers are there in viewing passivity as spiritual compatibility? ƒ Are you able to enjoy the spiritual differences between each other?

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Ludy, Leslie, When God Writes Your Love Story, (Sisters, Oregon : Multnomah, 2004) p. 63-71 Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John, Boundaries in Dating, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) p. 52-3. 5 Ludy, Leslie, When God Writes Your Love Story, (Sisters, Oregon : Multnomah, 2004) p. 72 6 Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John, Boundaries in Dating, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) p. 69. 4

Lesson 2: Ready to Find Someone? Then Who? ™ How to Choose Someone 7 o Why relationships fall apart ƒ Popular Complaints • We don’t listen to one another • He/she won’t be able to understand me • He/she seems so distant • He/she is far to controlling • He/she never keeps their promises • He/she is far too judgmental • He/she is always angry at me • I tend to be my worst self with him/her • I can’t trust him/her ƒ The reason people fall apart is because they refuse to love each other sacrificially. ƒ We judge each other far to much on their outward characteristics ƒ Outward characteristics do not completely show what people are like on the inside ƒ “My experience confirms that if you date solely for superficial reasons, you will end up in an unfulfilling relationship. I dated several girls who were beautiful, smart, and playful but had no desire to give. Rather, they always wanted me to concede.” 8 o How then can you choose? ƒ All men are created in the image of God • “Genesis 1:26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.” ƒ The heart of attraction • Outward beauty is a blessing meant to be enjoyed • The internal qualities take a while to validate and verify, the outward beauty can serve as a catalyst for people to get to know each other • We have innate attraction to certain types of people ƒ The origin of attraction • We have to remind ourselves that God was the one who gave us love, attraction and sex. If we are made in his image, we should not downplay these traits. ƒ It begins with friendship • Friendship allows us to get to know someone through both the good times in our life and the bad. If someone were to get married without being friends first, there is a good 7 8

Eagar, Rob, Dating with Pure Passion, (Eugene : Harvest House, 1995) p. 64-81. Eagar, Rob, Dating with Pure Passion, (Eugene : Harvest House, 1995) p. 65.

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possibility that communication will break down when times get tough. When it comes to dating, it is more than just friends. When Jesus calls us his friend, “John 15:14 14 You are my friends if you do what I command you” we all know that this is more than just friends since he is willing to lay down his life for us. Rather Christ calls us his bride, “Revelation 19:7-9 7 Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; 8 it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure"- for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. 9 And the angel said to me, "Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb." And he said to me, "These are the true words of God."”

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Similarities are critical • “Long-lasting relationships usually occur when two people share many similarities because similarities help create stability” 9 • A major part of this is sharing the same faith! o “2 Corinthians 6:14 14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”

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It is also helpful to share the same interests o This does not mean that there are no exceptions to this point, but it does suggest that having many common starting points in order to build a relationship is very helpful. • Be careful that we do not seek after opposites thinking that they will complete us. o It might simply be a sign of our own insecurities. Sacrificial love is the key • Jesus is the greatest demonstration of sacrificial love • Mutual attraction alone will not keep a relationship together, each partner needs to give. • We should be willing to give up things that are important to us, for the sake of someone else. • Definition of marriage: o “Marriage is a commitment to an imperfect person for his or her highest good.” 10

Eagar, Rob, Dating with Pure Passion, (Eugene : Harvest House, 1995) p. 71.

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Likewise if you are not ready to love sacrificially, you are not ready to date seriously. Sacrificial love is not easy • We need God’s help to do it • We have a perfect model in Christ o “Romans 5:8 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” o “1 John 3:16 16 By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.”

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Our pride often waters down the Spirit True love is laying down our lives o “John 15:13 13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends.” What do you look for then? 11 • The whole package (realizing that no one is perfect) o Seek out someone who intrigues you physically, mentally, spiritually, and sacrificially. If any one of these elements are missing, the relationship will probably suffer. • Things that last o Look beyond the surface issues o We tend to be too obsessed with image • Character o “Character is what you are in the dark when not one but God is watching.” 12 o It takes wisdom to see what someone’s real character is like. • Attitude o This is the way a person looks and responds to real life o It is more than a bubbly attitude, it is whether their perception is completely focused on Christ or not. o It is whether they have a heart of humility o Whether they have an industrious attitude o Whether they have an attitude of contentment and hopefulness • True Beauty o “What matters at fifty?” ƒ The answer to this question is what true beauty is all about.

Eagar, Rob, Dating with Pure Passion, (Eugene : Harvest House, 1995) p. 74. Eagar, Rob, Dating with Pure Passion, (Eugene : Harvest House, 1995) p. 64-81; Harris, Joshua, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, (Oregon : Multnomah Books, 1997) p. 190-201 12 Harris, Joshua, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, (Oregon : Multnomah Books, 1997) p. 190. 11

™ Relational Element o Things to consider (Questions on Character) 13 ƒ How does my date relate to God? ƒ Does my date allow the relationship to progress naturally? ƒ Does my date adapt to changes in plans? ƒ Does my date dress in a way that tempts other people? ƒ Does my date end harmful relationships? ƒ Does my date forgive people when they wrong them? ƒ Does my date have personal discipline? ƒ How does my date handle money? ƒ How does my date treat her body? ƒ Does my date make an effort to be on time? ƒ Does my date accept or reject others? ƒ Does my date have the ability to reject sex when others try to “encourage the issue?” ƒ Does my date encourage generosity? ƒ Does my date care for someone even when they are sick or depressed? • It is wise not to question your date on every one of these points, rather look out for them and answer these questions for yourself based on your own observations. o Things to consider (Relational Questions to Answer) 14 ƒ What is it in the opposite sex that attracts you the most and why? ƒ What is it in the opposite sex that parallels your own relationship with God ƒ How much does a lack of character or sacrificial love contribute to a breakup? ƒ In what ways can you discern character from someone of the opposite sex? ƒ How can someone facilitate sacrificial love within a relationship? ƒ How can Christ’s model protect you from choosing an inappropriate partner?

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Eagar, Rob, Dating with Pure Passion, (Eugene : Harvest House, 1995) p. 75; Harris, Joshua, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, (Oregon : Multnomah Books, 1997) p. 191-196. 14 Eagar, Rob, Dating with Pure Passion, (Eugene : Harvest House, 1995) p. 81.

Lesson 3: When the Problem is with You ™ You can’t pretend Forever 15 o There comes a time when the truth always comes out o Ultimately, “you are a person, and you cannot go throughout life without pursuing your own wishes, needs, and desires, nor should you.” 16 o After a certain amount of time of complaining, at some point, someone will not be able to take it anymore. o There are a few warning signs (here are some things to listen for) ƒ He/she seems to have to have her way ƒ I am afraid to let my real feelings and desires be known ƒ We have so much conflict over the little things ƒ We always spend the money on what he/she wants ƒ He/she doesn’t care about me and what I value ƒ Why will he/she never go to the places that I want to go to? o If people tend to be adaptive, then they will likely attract controlling mates. o After a while, one should be able to determine whether the other can share or always have to be controlling. ƒ You will have to look at the little things in life to make conclusions about the big things that are going on. ™ Good hope and false hope 17 o All hope should be based on reality o There must be actual reasons to believe that things will later change for the better ƒ Craziness is to continue to do the same thing expecting different results ƒ The best predictor of the future, is the past o How does God treat us? (Our model to follow) ƒ He begins with loving us ƒ He acts righteously with us ƒ He uses others to help us ƒ He accepts who we are in reality and grieves for us ƒ He gives us a chance to change ƒ He is longsuffering ƒ He separates himself from us • Sometimes this works in bringing us back to him, sometimes it doesn’t o We ought to keep our hopes in check ™ The Problems with Blame 18 o Blaming somebody is a part of our human condition 15

Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John, Boundaries in Dating, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) p. 154-6. Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John, Boundaries in Dating, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) p. 154-155. 17 Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John, Boundaries in Dating, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) p. 189-94. 18 Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John, Boundaries in Dating, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) p. 203-214. 16

ƒ Children learn to blame each other early on in life o Blaming often becomes a great obstacle for growing closer ƒ It can be carried on in our attitude and non-verbal comments ƒ It operates from within and feeds off of our sinfulness, sin or immaturity o Dating is a “Petri dish for blaming” ƒ Sadly though blaming is its own reward ƒ Nothing good really comes out of it o There are certain things people can do to put blame in check ƒ Become self-scrutinizing ƒ Relate to both the good and the bad in the other person ƒ Set boundaries instead of blame ƒ Forgive one another ƒ Take time to grieve with one another ™ Relational Element o Things to consider (You can’t pretend forever) 19 ƒ Can you tell the truth about where you want to go or what you want to do? ƒ Are you allowed to be honest about your preferences or desires? ƒ Are you able to share you desires and wants without the risk of starting a conflict? ƒ Can you find friends that will be able to tell you whether you are being yourself with your date? ƒ Are you purposeful in your giving and serving of one another? o Things to consider (Good hope and false hope) 20 ƒ Is there anything that you are holding on to that you realize now is not part of reality? ƒ Are you using your past to help make decisions about the future? ƒ Is there any evidence of change? o Things to consider (The Problems with Blame) 21 ƒ Am I humbly listening to correction? ƒ Can I use blame as a sign that I feel afraid, maybe judged, sad, or even at fault? ƒ Is blame a sign that I am more concerned about my own soul than that of the other person? ƒ Do I not accept the negative about the other person or am I willing to work with realities of the situation? ƒ Are there people that I know that can tell me when I am playing the blame game? , ƒ Am I a forgiver or a catalyst for mutual forgiveness? 19

Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John, Boundaries in Dating, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) p. 157. Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John, Boundaries in Dating, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) p. 201. 21 Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John, Boundaries in Dating, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) p. 214-215. 20

Lesson 4: When the Problem is with Your Date ™ Identifying and Dealing with Disrespect 22 o What is the Problem? ƒ Respect is an essential element in order for a couple to grow in love. • When respect is present someone can be free to be who they are ƒ These are signs that respect is being maintained • When opinions are heard and valued • When differences and disagreements are validated • When choices are esteemed • When feelings are regarded • When one is wrong, they are treated respectfully o Elements of Disrespect ƒ Dominating • When the other person will not take ‘no’ from their date ƒ Withdrawal • When the other person pulls away due to the date exhibiting any freedom or difference ƒ Manipulating • When the other person uses different strategies to get their date to change his or her mind ƒ Direct Violation • When the person continues the same hurtful action ƒ Minimizing • When a person’s negative feelings are considered an overreaction ƒ Blaming • When the date turns the fault back on someone else at the first feeling of pain ƒ Rationalizing • When a person denies responsibility for a problem o Elements of Respect ƒ Not an innate quality ƒ Someone may ask, “how did my date lose respect for me, did familiarity breed contempt?” • The truth is, respectful people do not lose respect over time, they grow into it • Therefore, those that seem to lose respect over time, never had true respect for other peoples’ needs or feelings ƒ There must be a match between what is said, to what is done 22

Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John, Boundaries in Dating, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) p. 221-31.

o Dealing with Disrespect ƒ What will not help with disrespect • Ending the Relationship Immediately o “Dating should be an arena in which you solve problems while in the relationship, rather than ending the relationship when you experience problems.” 23 • Compliance o Trying to please someone who is disrespectful will be futile because self-centeredness is at the core. • Retaliation o Meeting disrespect with more disrespect often result in begrudging outcomes • Complaining without Consequences o If all you do is just complain, there is very little reason to change any disrespect, but if there are consequences there are greater chances for change ƒ What may help with disrespect • Not waiting to deal with it o Situations of disrespect will not just deal with themselves, they need events of intervention • Get to know your date in the context of other relationships o There may be instances where actions seem questionable, observe/ask friends or family to see what your date is like around them o It might be that you were wrong in your initial observations… o This is not spying, this is the natural way of getting to know each other • Saying no o A respectful person will listen and try to work for compromise • Deal with disrespect as a problem o Do not allow the other person to rationalize the issue, even though this might be a great temptation • Clarify o Be clear to the details of the problems • Bring in others o To keep yourself in check in dealing with the situation, get others involved • Own your own part o Is there anything that you are doing to aggravate the situation? o 23

Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John, Boundaries in Dating, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) p. 227.

™ Relational Element o Things to Consider (Dealing with Disrespect) 24 ƒ How are you esteeming your date’s thoughts, feelings, and choices? ƒ Are you able to address disrespect early on in the relationship? ƒ Can you distinguish between differences and disrespect? ƒ In what ways do we avoid noticing issues of disrespect? ƒ How do you normally respond to instances of disrespect? (Do you often fight fire with fire?) ƒ Are you doing anything to contribute to the disrespect?

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Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John, Boundaries in Dating, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) p. 232.

Lesson 5: Dangers in Dating ™ Sexual Temptation 25 o Origins of Sexual Temptation ƒ God created us to be sexual beings ƒ Feelings of loneliness, boredom, depression and rejection add to the vulnerability to of sexual temptation • Due to these feelings, we are tempted to enact sexual behaviors ƒ Signs of sexual temptation (things you would be thinking about) • “If I could have sex, I would be happy” • “I need a quick escape, I will look at pornography” • “Guys tend to ignore me, so maybe I will flirt more and dress seductively” • “Dating is hard, an alternative lifestyle may be better” • “Maybe I should lose myself in a romance novel” o Dealing with Sexual Temptation ƒ We ought to be filled with the love of Jesus before being tempted by our loneliness by Satan ƒ Deep down, our longing for love can overcome our own discipline or self control • This might mean that some people are willing to compromise their values just to get into a relationship ƒ General disciplines like memorizing scripture, using willpower, or joining accountability groups do not get to the heart of the matter concerning this type of temptation ƒ We need more than rules and laws to resist temptation ƒ Is willpower enough to avoid sin? • The fact is that everyone has fallen short of God’s standards which evidently proves that willpower alone is not enough to deal with sexual temptation (Rom 3:23) • The more you think about not doing something, the more the object is brought to the forefront of your mind • At some point, the willingness to keep up the guard fails and the subject eventually gives in ƒ Certainly then peer accountability should do the trick… • Many people have thought that “accountability partners” are enough to fight temptations • The truth is, another Christian can control you nor make you do the right thing • In reality the other Christian also have their own problems

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Eagar, Rob, Dating with Pure Passion, (Eugene : Harvest House, 1995) p. 142-57.

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God never intended for us to depend on other imperfect people in order to deal with our temptation Christ is the answer to temptation • “John 15:4-5 4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

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Instead of trying to deal with temptation on our own, we are supposed to trust Jesus in order to deal with temptation Points to remember o When we became Christians, we were crucified with Christ (Rom 6:6 “6 We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin.”)

o God has filled us with the righteous nature of Jesus Christ (2 Cor 5:17, 21 “17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come., 21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”)

o Jesus dwells in our spirit, so he can work his perfect will in us (Gal 2:20 “20 It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”)

o Because Christ lives inside of us, he can resist worldly urges whenever we allow him (Titus 2:1114 “11 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, 12 training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, 13 waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.”)

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Our paradigm has changed from a sinful man trying to do good, to a transformed man who still has the option to sin • Jesus certainly understands the difficult battle that we face • Jesus is more than a co-pilot, his is the one who lives through us • This is why we are supposed to see the beauty of Jesus’ life in comparison to the terrible temptations (like pornography) The Danger of Pornography • With pornography, your heart is tricked into bonding with a false fantasy • It becomes a drug like a “quick fix” from daily frustrations

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Slowly though this sin begins to secretly erode the man’s self-esteem Afterwards, the man is left with nothing but a heavy dose of guilt The sexual expectations of man is also unrealistically heightened It also switches a mate from a person to an object Both men and women have problems with pornography “1 Corinthians 6:18 18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”

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God is able to renew your heart, but that does not mean that he will take away the consequences of what has occurred o How far can I go (with my boyfriend or girlfriend)? ƒ Can I kiss, hold hands, or caress? ƒ Ask yourself, ‘is what I am thinking about profitable?’ • “1 Corinthians 6:12-13 12 "All things are lawful for me," but not all things are helpful. "All things are lawful for me," but I will not be enslaved by anything. 13 "Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food"- and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.”

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The more sexual you become, the stronger your bond will become • But if you break up, a greater damage will be done • You should not touch or kiss unless both of you are seeking a marriage commitment • We should avoid starting the sexual urge before marriage, because it is designed by God to go all the way • The Lord should determine between the two of you when physical contact is permitted • You should not determine when this time is when it is too late, it should be sought out in prayer ahead of time • This includes o Kissing… o Holding hands… o Caressing… o Etc… • Rushing into mistakes is the greatest danger If it is too late • God promises to restore your heart when you seek repentance • Remember in your repentance that God has already forgiven you • You are still prized by God and not worthless (like Satan would want you to think)

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If you have made a mistake recently, beware of entering into a relationship Remember that your relationship with Christ will satisfy you more than any relationship can Knowing that Christ is the focus, just imagine how incredible your dating relationship can be!

™ Relational Element o Things to Consider (Warnings on Sexual Temptation) 26 ƒ How does sexual temptation have the power of bandage? ƒ What is the most common temptation you struggle with? ƒ If a man can not control himself sexually before marriage what do you think will be the consequences after marriage? ƒ What harm can pornography or romance novels have on your self esteem? ƒ How can self-control mentioned in 1 Cor 6:12-13 be helpful in determining what is “profitable,” in my dating relationship?

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Eagar, Rob, Dating with Pure Passion, (Eugene : Harvest House, 1995) p. 159.

Lesson 6: Your Relationship with God with Someone Else ™ God’s purpose for Dating 27 o Do not lead her into the jungle (for the guys) ƒ “In the jungle” means that you lead girls on in thinking that you like them without the intention of following through with the relationship thus leaving her confused and helpless ƒ Most of the time a guy will be respectful of a girl’s feelings and won’t do this ƒ When men do lead someone into the jungle of dating (with all its confusions and pains) it ought to be with the intention of leading them out as well • “Proverbs 28:10 10 Whoever misleads the upright into an evil way will fall into his own pit, but the blameless will have a goodly inheritance.” ƒ It is important to have a pure heart and motive ƒ The purpose of dating is marriage, there is no other way to think about it o How to bait a hook (for the girls) ƒ Certain baits will attract certain types of fish ƒ Likewise, the type of bait that you will use will determine the fish that you will catch ƒ Would you want to attract men based on the fact that “he saw the outline of your bra through your blouse?” • I hope that is a no! ƒ How about flirting then? • To flirt means that you court playfully without serious intentions • The problem is that flirting pretends that there feelings when in reality they are not there • Flirting also gets a person to like a false you • It seeks attention in the wrong ways • It often develops strong feelings • Others may also gain the wrong impression • Girls that flirt rarely have strong friendships with other girls • They are prone to jealousy and hatred most often o What does God intend (for guys) 27

Clark, Jeramy, I Gave Dating a Chance, (Colorado Springs : Waterbrook, 2000) p. 122-30.

ƒ God intends for men to be accountable with him ƒ God intends for men to protect women ƒ God intends for men to bear responsibility o What does God intend (for girls) ƒ God intends for women to be modest • Women often do not want to think about all these details, but men certainly do. • These choices do affect other people, and women ought to at least recognize this • The definition of modest o Respectable, worthy, kind, appropriate, suitable, righteous, and just. ™ The Sanctity of Marriage o When a relationship comes together in the way that it should it becomes a true representation of oneness and unity. ƒ “Ephesians 5:31 31 "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."” ƒ It states within this verse that the man and the woman is intended to come together to become “one flesh,” and by doing so, would essentially begin the institution of marriage. ƒ The question then becomes, what is the meaning of the phrase, “one flesh?” 28 • In Hebrew it uses the word “basar” which carries with itself a physical connotation. • If the author wished to emphasize a spiritual connotation with this union he could have used the Hebrew word “nephesh” which would be translated as “soul.” • Yet as confirmed with the citations from Matthew 19:5 and Ephesians 5:31 there is certainly a spiritual component within the union of a man and his wife. ƒ To add to this idea of the spiritual union within marriage, the OT the prophets used to warn the people of God not to intermarry with the women from other nations. 29 • Not only would this intermarrying compromise the ethnicity of the people, but it would also drive the men away from their allegiance to Yahweh. • In this way, not only was there a physical bond created during marriage, but there was also a spiritual connection. o The enjoyment of God’s plan for marriage is well illustrated within the Song of Songs. 30 ƒ Here God encourages the couple to take advantage of the best of the best for the purpose of sensuality. 28

Rae, Scott, Moral Choices: An Introduction to Ethics, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) 226-7. Rae, Scott, Moral Choices: An Introduction to Ethics, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) 227-8. 30 Rae, Scott, Moral Choices: An Introduction to Ethics, (Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000) 228. 29

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But before all this can begin, there is a crystal clear directive for the couple to save themselves for one another so that a long lasting desire can be built in anticipation of their union. ƒ This is why sexual immorality is so important to avoid due to the spiritual and physical condition of the couple. o One of my favorite passages is in Proverbs 31 where an ode is given to Lady Wisdom. While some may argue this is a prescription for women, I would argue this is a lesson for all of us in all relationships. I do hope you enjoy! “Proverbs 31:10-31 10

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 12 She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. 14 She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. 15 She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. 16 She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. 17 She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. 18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. 19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. 20 She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. 25 Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. 26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. 27 She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." 30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.” 11

™ Relational Element o Your Relationship in God’s Perspective 31 ƒ How serious am I in my understanding of dating? ƒ How should I treat my girlfriend? ƒ Why do I feel like I never get asked out? ƒ How do I take responsibility in tough/bad situations? ƒ What are the kinds of things that I should avoid in my relationship? ƒ What is the best way to let someone know you are not interested? ƒ How can I say no to physical issues?

31

Clark, Jeramy, I Gave Dating a Chance, (Colorado Springs : Waterbrook, 2000) p. 134.

GUIDELINES FOR REFERAL Even with six lessons on dating, every questions or problem can not be answered. For this reason, here are a few trusted referrals in the case that counseling becomes a viable option. Attached are also trusted web sites where you can go to find more information online. I strongly encourage that you also look at the books mentioned in the “works cited.” May God bless you on your journey! Referrals for Counseling: Biola Counseling Center: http://www.biola.edu/offices/bcc/services/ Rockharbor Church: http://www.rockharbor.org Saddleback Community Church: http://www.saddlebackfamily.com Referrals for More Information Online: Desiring God (Rev. John Piper): http://www.desiringgod.org Focus on the Family (Dr. James Dobson): http://www.focusonthefamily.com

WORKS CITED Jeramy Clark. I Gave Dating a Chance. Colorado Springs : Waterbrook, 2000.

Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Boundaries in Dating. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000.

Rob Eager. Dating with Pure Passion. Eugene : Harvest House, 1995.

Prof. Rick Franklin. PT707 Bp PowerPoint-109.

Joshua Harris. I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Oregon : Multnomah Books, 1997.

Leslie Ludy. When God Writes Your Love Story. Sisters, Oregon : Multnomah, 2004.

Scott Rae. Moral Choices: An Introduction to Ethics. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 2000.

WORKS CITED FOR INTERNET PICTURES http://www.timtim.com/public/images/drawings/large/001696_ComputerDating.gif http://www.strictlyfab.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/spring-love.jpg http://www.strictlyfab.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/spring-love.jpg http://datingche.blogsome.com/wp-admin/images/dating.jpg http://www.wifesgone.com/wifesgonecom/afbeeldingen/Image/Dating_dinner_dating.jpg http://latestdatingtipsonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/latest-dating-tips.jpg http://images.teamsugar.com/files/upl2/1/12981/11_2009/24289f15da693c62_datingand-eating.jpg http://www.christiananswers.net/q-dml/dml-y006.html http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_VRo18kShr6o/SXXPU1FeDUI/AAAAAAAAASw/AjJvxVrS3s/s320/man+with+computer.jpg