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The Delina Daily News is published daily just not every day. All articles appearing in this paper are based totally on hearsay and are not intended to confuse you, the reader, with the facts. Any resemblance to real stories or persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.
“SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE”
ALL THE NEWS YOU CAN USE!
DELINA VISITED BY THE FEDS OTHER NEWS PROTESTER DIES AFTER INHALING FUMES FROM BURNING AMERICAN FLAG LOCAL AUTHORITIES PLEASED
WOMAN DISCOVERS HUSBAND WAS HER DAD LOCAL AUTHORITIES ASTONISHED
STRONG WIND BLOWS SUN TOWARDS EARTH LOCAL AUTHORITIES SHOCKED
PONDER THIS: Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
DELINA TENNESSEE: They coasted into Delina around 10:30am and they looked beat. Four big old looking guys clad in skin-tight brightly adorned spandex jerseys. Naturally everyone was suspicious. They called themselves Fat Old Guys on Bikes (FOGBEES was on their shirts) and someone said their names were Tom Boy, PV, Big B, and Davie Poo. You could tell they liked eating. Lunch didn’t start for a while so they just rested a bit and visited with everyone that came in the door. It sure was a temptation to talk to those flashing looking guys as locals continued to stop at the bicyclists’ table eager to introduce themselves and share their experiences. Duh, we weren’t born yesterday. Following extensive research we discovered the unlikely visitors were really from the Federal Office of Geriatric Backwoods Economic Exploitation (FOGBEE) and they were here to help us (ha ha!). Apparently the government is somewhat concerned that us aging country folk are being taken advantage of during our senior years. Scammers are targeting the elderly. One resident told us his Wal-Mart story. “When you come out of the store after doing your shopping, two really hot looking girls will follow you to your car. As you start to get in, they will clean your windows on your car. When you try to give them a tip, they say "No tip needed, however they would like a ride to another Wal-Mart”. Once they get into your car they will start hugging each other. Then one of the girls will start rubbing her hands in your hair. While you are distracted, the other girl will take your wallet. I know this is a scam because I had it happen to me on Monday....and Tuesday...then again on Thursday of last week. It will probably happen again today.” Anyway, the FOGBEE guys continued to stand by their story of being Fat Old Guys on Bikes and even had business cards to prove it. Whatever their motive, it was a pleasure having them visit our little town of Delina and they are more than welcome to come again…and bring other agents if they want.
QUOTE OF THE DAY You never run out of things that can go wrong.
CLASSIFIED ADS AND COMMUNITY EVENTS FOR SALE: 200 Playboy and other adult magazines. Will trade for guns. Call or write.
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
7th ANNUAL CIVIL WAR LIVING HISTORY EVENT (Aug 21/22). Experience the unique Living History of the Civil War as the 19th Alabama Civilian Corp and the 13th U.S. Colored Troops reenactors set up camp and offer many demonstrations . Lairdland Farm House, Blackburn Hollow Rd, Pulaski. (931) 363-2205
WANTED: Mentally Ill needed to interview for novel. Must be succesful and interesting. Send eMail with qualifications. SOUTHERN FRIED FESTIVAL: Sept 28th – 29th, Columbia Town Square. The Southern Fried Festival has something for the whole family, outstanding entertainment, good food, arts and craft vendors, kids zone and much more. (931) 381-7176
DID YOU KNOW: An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated? Weekly Horoscope: You need to thread the needle today and get yourself through this intense phase of social activity. A balance between all your people can really help, but it may be hard for you to reach out to everyone.
DELINA DAILY NEWS SETTLING A COW CASE... A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
PAGE 2 FARMER TRAVELS...
SOUTHERN TERMINOLOGY...
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \e-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does. Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: Two physicians.
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
ROLLS-ROYCE vs YUGO... A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce. The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb. It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night. It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!"
DELINA CROSSWORD PUZZLE – BICYCLE TERMS Across 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.
Often referred to as the seat. Connects crank to the wheel Used to slow down or stop Head protection The ____ relates to the mechanical advantage of the whole drive system.
1 2 4 5 6
Down 1. 2. 3. 5.
3
The part you put your foot on Used to steer Obsolete type of helmet The opposite of pedal
7
8
2
EclipseCrossword.com
