The Generous Marriage - NYTimes.com
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Thursday, December 8, 2011
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The Generous Marriage - NYTimes.com
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December 8, 2011, 7:00 am
The Generous Marriage By TARA PARKER-POPE
Hammerpress This column appears in the Dec. 11 issue of The New York Times Magazine. From tribesmen to billionaire philanthropists, the social value of generosity is already well known. But new research suggests it also matters much more intimately than we imagined, even down to our most personal relationships. Researchers from the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project recently studied the role of generosity in the marriages of 2,870 men and women. Generosity was defined as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly” — like simply making them coffee in the morning — and researchers quizzed men and women on how often they behaved generously toward their partners. How often did they express affection? How willing were they to forgive? The responses went right to the core of their unions. Men and women with the highest scores on the generosity scale were far more likely to report that they were “very happy” in their marriages. The benefits of generosity were particularly pronounced among couples with children. Among the parents who posted above-average scores for marital generosity, about 50 percent reported being “very happy” together. Among those with lower generosity scores, only about 14 percent claimed to be “very happy,” according to the latest “State of Our Unions” report from the National Marriage Project. While sexual intimacy, commitment and communication are important, the focus on generosity adds a new dimension to our understanding of marital success. Though this conclusion may seem fairly self-evident, it’s not always easy to be generous to a romantic partner. The noted marriage researcher John Gottman has found that
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The Generous Marriage - NYTimes.com
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/12/08/is-generosity-better-t...
successful couples say or do at least five positive things for each negative interaction with their partner — not an easy feat. “In marriage we are expected to do our fair share when it comes to housework, child care and being faithful, but generosity is going above and beyond the ordinary expectations with small acts of service and making an extra effort to be affectionate,” explains the University of Virginia’s W. Bradford Wilcox, who led the research. “Living that spirit of generosity in a marriage does foster a virtuous cycle that leads to both spouses on average being happier in the marriage.” Social scientists are now wondering if this virtuous cycle extends to children too. In a study of 3-year-old twins, Israeli researchers have identified a genetic predisposition toward generosity that may be further influenced by a parent’s behavior. Preliminary findings suggest that children with more-engaged parents are more likely to be generous toward others, which may bode well for their future relationships — and their parents’ too. “We see meaningful differences in parents’ behaviors,” said Ariel Knafo, the principal investigator and a psychologist at Hebrew University in Jerusalem. “In the long run we’d like to be able to see whether it’s children’s generosity that also makes parents more kind or the other way around. Probably it’s both.” Do you have a generous relationship? Take our quiz to find out. Top three predictors of a happy marriage among parents: 1. Sexual Intimacy. 2. Commitment. 3. Generosity. Portion of 18- to 46-year-olds with below-average sexual satisfaction who are “very happy” in their marriages: Husbands: 7 percent. Wives: 6 percent. E-mail Print Recommend Share
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58 Comments Share your thoughts. All Reader Picks NYT Replies Newest Write a Comment
1.
MIdtowner New York, NY Flag I've referred to it as "emotional generosity" as opposed to financial generosity. It's all about thoughtfulness, kindness and consideration, acknowledging and recognizing the needs/likes/desires of the other person and acting on them. And it's not about big, grandiose gestures, but instead, making a cup of tea, running an errand when they are sick, picking up the book they said they'd like to read. Value to the partner - priceless! Dec. 8, 2011 at 7:41 p.m. Reply Recommend Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
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YK Boston
12/8/11 8:13 PM
The Generous Marriage - NYTimes.com
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Flag The conclusion that making positive comments will increase marital happiness is fallacious. Association is not causation. Positive comments are associated with marital happiness, not necessarily the cause. One could just as easily (and erroneously) conclude that marital happiness causes more positive comments. Perhaps both are effects arising from a common cause that was not even measured. What is cause and what is effect? There is no way to know without an interventional study. Yet another example of drawing unwarranted conclusions from retrospective data. Dec. 8, 2011 at 5:45 p.m. Reply Recommend2 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
3.
Michael Los Angeles, CA Flag We need to ask our partners to complete the quiz about us and vice versa. Don't ask ME how generous I am to someone else, ask that person! Of course, any 4 point quiz about a relationship is a meaningless exercise concocted to sell books to gullible people who think they can read "the answer" to their problems in one of them. Dec. 8, 2011 at 5:45 p.m. Reply Recommend2 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
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D.M. Brooklyn Flag I notice that many people suggest that generosity on one's own part should be contingent on the partner's generosity. I think this leads to a downward spiral, with each party scoping out the other and wanting not to give more. E.g. "Who would want to be generous to a spouse with which which he/she was not already happy?' from Aaron. The most radical part of my spiritual tradition is the assertion that it doesn't make sense to treat people less kindly or fairly based on whether they are friend, enemy or stranger. If I try to treat everyone kindly, then my experience throughout the day is one of kindness, regardless of how the other person acts. This is NOT
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The Generous Marriage - NYTimes.com
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to say I allow people to abuse me; I stand up for what is fair for me, but I try to do so respectfully (and forcefully if need be). When I met my future husband, the thing that made me sure I wanted to marry him was seeing that he treated strangers and friends with equal kindness. I knew that someone with a policy of only treating a partner kindly when everything feels great would probably get nasty when things inevitably didn't go his way. We've been married 25 years and this mutual kindness has been a lifeline no matter what challenges we face. Dec. 8, 2011 at 5:45 p.m. Reply Recommend5 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
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Nancy CA Flag Generousity and reciprocity go together in any kind of ongoing relationship. Even between parents and children. That does not mean everything is quid pro quo, but rather there is the presence of generousity flowing between you and others. The world is full of takers and givers; those who only think of themselves and those who think of others. Unless that imbalance is addressed it leads to bad feelings to say the least. While you can model a behavior, it won't always lead to an increase in that behavior. Choose your lovers, friends and co-workers wisely. What is difficult is not learnign how to be generous, but rather learning how to not squander your genrrousity on those who don't appreciate it or to not be attached to their lack of appreciation or reciprocity. Be with those who help our being - Rumi Dec. 8, 2011 at 3:44 p.m. Reply Recommend6 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
6.
Daisy Pistey Lynhe Boston Flag
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The Generous Marriage - NYTimes.com
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/12/08/is-generosity-better-t...
Why is this quiz only asking questions about my behavior and not my partner's behavior? How could this possibly get at a generous marriage? Additionally, aren't you likely to be more generous to someone you care more deeply about, in which case causality would go the other way around? Classic endogeneity problem. Forcing generosity is probably not the key to a happy marriage. Dec. 8, 2011 at 3:44 p.m. Reply Recommend2 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
7.
Richard Anderson Arlington, VA Flag Tara: Thank you for this column. It's inspiring. I think the ultimate of generosity in a marriage or relationship is when one of the partners becomes chronically ill or permanently disabled, and the other gives his/her best efforts to help. I know, I have been there, and have written before about my own experience, and how the Well Spouse™ Association, http://wellspouse.org helped me to realize that in giving that support to my wife for 29 years, I also needed to find support for myself -- peer emotional support, to cope with the "rolling grief" of watching her slow decline as she battled with her scleroderma. I'm not just blowing my own horn, I speak for the 6 million spousal caregivers in the USA and more around the world, who are unsung heroes of generosity (as best they can) in supporting their ill spouses through the sometimes very hard trials they endure. If we begrudged them, or measured their necessarily smaller contributions to the household chores, intimacy, ups and downs of the relationship (opposite or same-sex partners) we would be out of there in no time. As it is, the divorce rate is higher for couples where one of them has a chronic illness or long-term disability. Dec. 8, 2011 at 3:44 p.m. Reply Recommend2 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
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Barbara Berkeley, MD
12/8/11 8:13 PM
The Generous Marriage - NYTimes.com
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/12/08/is-generosity-better-t...
Cleveland, Ohio Flag My amazing parents are 93 and 98 years old and just celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary. For the event, I interviewed them for a small booklet and had them reflect on the success of their incredibly loving marriage. Here's a quote from them: "If you spend your time making your mate happy, you also derive happiness from doing that...and life is wonderful! It seems that when you do this, it inspires your partner to act the same way. Then he or she spends time trying to do things to make you happy too. It makes marriage a joy!" These are two people who have elevated generosity to a high art. Much love to you, Mom and Dad! www.refusetoregain.com Dec. 8, 2011 at 3:44 p.m. Reply Recommend9 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
9.
Aaron NC Flag Why does this conclude that generosity CAUSES a happy marriage? It seems more likely that people exhibit generosity in a marriage BECAUSE they are already happy. Who would want to be generous to a spouse with which which he/she was not already happy? It wouldn't make you even more bitter/unhappy to do generous things for someone making you miserable. PS: I'm happily married. Dec. 8, 2011 at 3:44 p.m. Reply Recommend1 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
10.
T in Seattle Seattle, WA Flag TPP, have the researchers looked at happiness in the presence of asymmetrical levels of generosity? There are many couples I know where one partner is way more giving and generous than the other, and from the outside they don't seem all that happy. Dec. 8, 2011 at 3:44 p.m.
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The Generous Marriage - NYTimes.com
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11.
Anne NY Flag Actually Tara, one of the reasons why there has not been as much research on same-sex couples is because in the current socio-political climate, it's very difficult to obtain funding to do these types of studies. If you're at a state university, then one could be accused of using government funds to do this research, and many private universities receive some sort of federal funding, so it becomes a political hot potato to propose doing research on same-sex couples. It's unfortunate because there is a lot to gain by this type of research, and always wrong, from a research standpoint, to exclude a specific demographic because of political or social pressure to do so. Dec. 8, 2011 at 3:44 p.m. Reply Recommend Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
12.
Abbi Israel Flag My husband and I have practiced mutual generosity from day 1 of our 10 year marriage and I think that's why we're still so happy with each other, despite some very extreme stresses (mostly work related) we've encountered. And this was pretty much the advice I got from my mom: The focus of marriage should always be on giving, not taking. If both people are giving, than you won't run into problems. So far, it's working for us. Dec. 8, 2011 at 12:08 a.m. Reply Recommend4 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
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The Generous Marriage - NYTimes.com
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Joan Washington Flag Anyone know where you can get this card? Dec. 8, 2011 at 11:53 a.m. Reply Recommend Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter 1.
TPP Editor I had initially said this wasn't a real card but now see that the credit line is Hammerpress (http://hammerpress.net/) I don't see the card on their website but will try to find out. Watch this space. UPDATE: Hammerpress, the card marker, did create that image to illustrate the article, however it is not a real card. But don't despair. Hammerpress does have plans to make a similar card. They suggest that readers who have additional questions contact the firm at
[email protected] -- tpp Dec. 8, 2011 at 11:54 a.m. Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
14.
Diva New York City Flag I agree that generosity is key. I didn't grow up in a generous household -- I always came from a tit-for-tat perspective, feeling like I couldn't receive if I wasn't giving in return, that kind of feeling of lack and needing to hoard one's resources. Or simply not understanding how you can lift another's spirits by just giving of yourself. I have a really generous boyfriend, and being on the receiving end of his giving has been quite wonderful and healing, and allowed me to become more generous as well. I say "more generous" because I do still find myself calibrating and measuring our sides and seeing if one of us is inequal. Sometimes I have to force myself to be generous because it's not a habit I was raised with. But I always find that the end result, his happiness, brings me joy as well, and that the giving was nowhere as hard or as depleting as I thought it would be. That I no longer lack as I did as a child; I have more than enough to share, especially with someone I love.
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The Generous Marriage - NYTimes.com
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Dec. 8, 2011 at 11:10 a.m. Reply Recommend18 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
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Rohan Shah New Haven, Connecticut Flag To the comments raised about one partner abusing the other's generosity, perhaps you need to think of a successful relationship with Axelrod's theory of cooperation - the more "positive" moves you make, the more "positive" moves you get in return and ultimately the sum total of you - the couple gets positive. Of course this theory is dependent upon the number of interactions with the other person. So, if you are determined to have a short relationship go ahead and engage in activities that aren't promoting a healthy and happy relationship. Dec. 8, 2011 at 11:10 a.m. Reply Recommend3 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
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Rohan Shah New Haven, Connecticut Flag I have frequently interacted with couples that perhaps might not have the most rollicking sex life, but have the utmost happiness with their relationship. To me this happiness stems from their generosity and commitment to each other and to their families. Yes, it can be argued that my interactions were with couples that weren't raised in the Western World. Dec. 8, 2011 at 11:10 a.m. Reply Recommend7 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
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Maureen North Carolina
12/8/11 8:13 PM
The Generous Marriage - NYTimes.com
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Flag There should be a fifth question: do you ALWAYS leave the bathroom for your spouse/partner the way you would like it left for you? Dec. 8, 2011 at 11:10 a.m. Reply Recommend2 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
18.
jmw123 Earth Flag My husband is the most generous person I've ever met. Kindness is so underrated. Yes, I'm very happy in my marriage. Dec. 8, 2011 at 11:10 a.m. Reply Recommend6 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
19.
FG USA Flag Lots of spouses make coffee for their significant others. But since they make a routine out of it, the deed pretty much becomes an expected act, not an appreciated gesture. It is said generosity should have no expectation of reciprocation attached to it. I'll add that that generosity given unexpectedly is most appreciated by the receiver. Dec. 8, 2011 at 11:10 a.m. Reply Recommend6 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
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Pillai Saint Louis, MO Flag Dead right - in fact the ancient Hindu Upanishads talks about this. As in you are expected to do the right things (karma) but are not expected to anticipate anything in return (karma-phala). Dec. 8, 2011 at 3:44 p.m. Recommend Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
20.
blasmaic Washington DC Flag Blog post says, "researchers have identified a genetic predisposition toward generosity" but then failed to cite any evidence of it. It insteads cites evidence of social factors that predict generosity, not proof of a genetic link, as might be found in twins studies. For example, if identical twins who are separated at birth and raised separately consistently score equal on generoisity measures, then that suggests a genetic link. The research also shows a high correlation between sexual dissatisfaction and overall dissatisfaction, but again there isn't a causality shown. Someone who wants out to marry a lottery winner would complain high on every big issue except money, the actual reason. The point is that professed unhappiness isn't always something that can be resolved and therefore may not be due to marriage factors at all. Maybe happy people are happy and unhappy people are unhappy. Dec. 8, 2011 at 11:10 a.m. Reply Recommend1 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
21.
Q CT Flag My first reaction to this column was a smile, as I think small acts of kindness are something my girlfriend and I do well.
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The Generous Marriage - NYTimes.com
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My second, once I pulled up the actual report, was to feel excluded, when I realized that same-sex couples aren't considered at all. This is no more than I expect from a report jointly published by the Institute for American Values (whose sponsorship isn't mentioned here, for some reason). But I would have appreciated a mention that the report deliberately excludes some American families when it was reported on here. Dec. 8, 2011 at 11:06 a.m. Reply Recommend3 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter 1.
TPP Editor Unfortunately, most relationship research has excluded same-sex couples -- mostly for the practical reason that most research focuses on marriage and same-sex couples have not traditionally been allowed to marry. It's definitely changing and there is much more study of same-sex couples in committed relationships, married or living together. I've written about some of it in my book and for the Times (Gay Unions Shed Light on Gender in Marriage) Dec. 8, 2011 at 11:11 a.m. Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
22.
Gratefully So. Oregon Flag Why is it so hard for men to get this? When we are courted, we are treated well, birthdays and holidays remembered, little surpises of time and energy for the unexpected....after marriage so much slides by the wayside. Both partners contribute to the marriage through generosity, but as a woman who has spoken to many other women about this (I can't speak for the men) generosity is one of the biggest turn-ons to a woman. And I am not speaking about monetary spending though that is nice....I am talking about kindness, thoughtfulness and surprise...offering to do cleanup of the kitchen after an exhausting day, a cup of tea when you have a cold, little things that say "I care". A woman needs to feel cherished and these little thing let her know you cherish her. Dec. 8, 2011 at 10:20 a.m. Reply Recommend26 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
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Eric Chicago Flag I agree Dec. 8, 2011 at 11:10 a.m. Recommend2 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
2.
Poulenc Manhattan Flag "A woman needs to feel cherished..." Why? I mean, why women as opposed to men? This is a genuine question, as the assumption seems to be that women need to be cared for and about more than men--or, rather, that this caring must be constantly demonstrated. To me, there's something antediluvian (gender roles have been reevaluated within the last thirty years, and to the good, I'd say) about the notion that women--as opposed to all people--must be assured that they are cared for, Something based on the old sex-role model. Dec. 8, 2011 at 11:10 a.m. Recommend14 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
23.
Jake NYC Flag I'm sorry, but this could not be more obvious. If people need to be instructed to forgive their partners' failings as a rule, openly admire their strengths and to lavish affection on them, then of course their marriages aren't going to be happy. This quiz is downright moronic. Dec. 8, 2011 at 9:59 a.m.
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24.
drk TX Flag Notice how the researcher qualifies with this: “In marriage we are expected to do our fair share when it comes to housework, child care and being faithful..." If the work is divided unfairly, the burdened spouse isn't going to feel generous. And a compliment won't make up for taking some of the burden of the mundane of one's spouse's weary shoulders. "Thanks for dinner," doesn't help much when the partner who made dinner has to wash dishes, put kids to bed, pull out the laundry, and complete some work that wasn't finished at the office. Dec. 8, 2011 at 9:59 a.m. Reply Recommend40 Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
25.
Eric Chicago Flag Generosity, as the article states, does not have to be solely expressed through deeds; it can be in emotional openness too - that is key, because many people do not know how to fully express their emotions and express love for each other. It is common sense that the more generous you are, (in action or emotionally), the happier a couple will be - simply because generosity and being affectionate SHOWS love - making each person feel more loved. As far as sex, I'm not sure why this was even included in the article (maybe to get people to read it). But I don't feel that they are asking the right question. Sex and generosity can go hand in hand - generosity can actually make the sex (love-making) better because there is more connection and love. AND, generosity can be expressed during sex too... Dec. 8, 2011 at 9:58 a.m. Reply
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TPP Editor Sex was included because the research showed that among married parents the top three predictors of marital happiness are 1) sexual intimacy 2) commitment and 3) generosity Dec. 8, 2011 at 10:01 a.m. Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter
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Well TARA PARKER-POPE
Extreme Cleaning for the Holidays http://t.co/InmSK8rj about 10 hours ago
TARA PARKER-POPE
A Web Campaign for Cancer Prevention http://t.co/EJshzGei about 11 hours ago TARA PARKER-POPE
Is Generosity Better Than Sex? http://t.co/mkLLcjiS about 16 hours ago TARA PARKER-POPE
Quiz: Do You Have a Generous Relationship? http://t.co/6K8mHPTy about 16 hours ago
About Well
Healthy living doesn’t happen at the doctor’s office. The road to better health is paved with the small decisions we make every day. It’s about the choices we make when we buy groceries, drive our cars and hang out with our kids. Join columnist Tara Parker-Pope as she sifts through medical research and expert opinions for practical advice to help readers take control of their health and live well every day. Well Pets
Is Your Pet Eating Better Than You Are?
Pet “parents” are being sold on human-style luxuries. When Dogs Tangle With Snakes Take One Dog, Add Water and Shake Salmonella Lurks in Pet Foods Too Eat Well
The Problem With Serving Sizes
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The worst offenders in food labels. Chocolate Milk Gets a Makeover Tallying the Benefits of Chocolate Making Vegetables the Meal Healthy Consumer
Tanning and the Brain
Does tanning change your brain? Hot Weather Takes Toll on Medication The Most Dangerous Room in the House Teenagers Prefer Drinks With Caffeine Patient Voices
Childhood Cancer
Six people speak about their experience with childhood cancer. The Voices of Macular Degeneration The Voices of Sickle Cell Disease The Voices of A.L.S. The Voices of Rare Diseases Special Section
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Decoding Your Health
A special issue of Science Times looks at the explosion of information about health and medicine and offers some guidelines on how to sort it all out Special Section
Small Steps: A Good Health Guide
Trying to raise a healthy child can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. Special Section
A Guided Tour of Your Body
Changes in our health are inevitable as we get older. What do we need to know about staying well as we age? Health Quiz Go to Special Section Archive Select Month
Tag List MARATHON 112 EXERCISE 89 RECIPES FOR HEALTH 87 PAULINE CHEN 79 PHYS ED 75 CHEN 67 CANCER 65 RECIPES 64 DOCTORS 61 PATIENT MONEY 55 JENNINGS 55 KIDS 53 BREAST CANCER 53
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TEENS 49 NUTRITION 48 WEIGHT 45 PATIENT VOICES 45 DOGS 45 PROSTATE CANCER 42 SLEEP 40 THERESA BROWN 40 PREGNANCY 39 VEGETARIAN THANKSGIVING 37 ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE 35 BRAIN 35 DEPRESSION 33 DANA JENNINGS 31 AGING 31 CHILDREN 30 WOMEN 29 What We're Talking About Aging Well Body Work Cancer Family Matters House Calls Medicine Cabinet On Your Mind Safe Travels The Healthy Consumer The Week Weigh In Eat Well Today's Headlines Daily E-Mail
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Comprehensive reference and special reports about diseases, conditions, tests, injuries and surgeries. Alzheimer’s Disease » Sleep Apnea » Prostate Cancer » Headache, Tension » Cholesterol » Back Pain » Browse All 3,000 + Topics »
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