MARCH 2018 - ISSUE 19

shOrt fuse Who’s that Guy? Puzzlor here. In the spirit of our music edition, we decided to pay homage to London’s most famous music maker, Guy Lombardo. Mr. New Year’s Eve has more albums than any other musician with his/her own bridge, so we decided to spread that love around and take a look at what other popular artists would look like if they graced one of the dozens of Lombardo’s album covers. Clockwise from left: David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, Drake, Gene Simmons, Ice T, Sia, Lady Gaga, Britney Spears.

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MARCH 2018 - ISSUE 19 - page 2

INNER FUSE

Jingle jangle: London’s best radio ads

By GerarD creces

If you grew up in a small town like I did, you listened to plenty of London radio (no other stations would come in). In between the Celine Dion, ACDC and Nickelback, there were some great songs being played. They were called advertisements. The following are hands-down the best advertising jingles ever to be broadcast in the Forest City and surrounding area. I guarantee there is at least one or two that you will have to sing out loud. 5 - Gibraltar Trade Centre What else can you say about Gibraltar Trade Centre’s old jingle except that it’s the ultimate? Sure, the place bills itself as Gibraltar Weekend Market now, but regardless, we can all agree - at Dundas and Third, the shopping is superb. 4 - Hanford’s Tire and Service With its simple lyrics and big brass finish, Hanford’s jingle keeps you rolling on. We’re all familiar with the tag line, but if you go to hanfordtires.com/videos, you can hear a 30 second extended version all about tires! 3 - London International Airport I have caught myself singing, “Why not fly from home?” when someone mentions the airport more times than I can count. And really, why not? Nice job, LIA. Nice job. 2 - Ray Cullen Chevrolet I don’t know much about Ray Cullen, other than he saves you money (and that’s the key), on Chevy, Buick and GMC. This upbeat rock and roll number makes a you want to go out and buy a sensible, medium-sized sedan. I’m glad they decided to rhyme the word Ray, because Cullen, Cullen, Cullen just doesn’t have the same appeal. 1 - Westervelt College Could there be any other winner? Every story of success and every great career starts with an amazing jingle, and Westervelt has the dedication and education to deliver. It’s hands-down the most deserving of the number one spot, and the one I catch myself singing the most. SPECIAL MENTION - Fabricland Fabricland doesn’t make the list because it’s a national chain, but EVERYONE knows the lyric(s) to Fabricland, because it’s just Fabricland... Fabricland!

canada trust’s Johnny on the spot... from the neck up By JaMes steWart reaney

True story. That famous Johnny Cash cutout for Canada Trust is all head and no Man In Black shoulders. Or torso. Or legs. “Hullo, I’m Johnny Cash,” the size large head would suggest. “Well, I’m not,” the body would say. Canada Trust saw Cash as a local hero — the late Londoner Saul Holiff had managed him from 19601973 — and in a two-page advertisement in The Free Press on Dec. 8, 1983 announced Cash as the face of its new “electronic cash dispensers” (ATM forerunners). There was Cash over the campaign caption “Why Walk The Line?” So what if Cash couldn’t get here for the campaign signature cutout’s photo shoot. Unruffled, Hyde Park-area ad agency Design Associates turned to its financial wizard for a Cash take. Previously seen as the “guy holding the chainsaw” in catalogues the agency produced, Tom Wolcott was “six-two-and-a-half”’and ready to Cash in, “They asked me if I wanted to be Johnny Cash,” recalls Wolcott, now a chartered accountant in Grand Bend. Said the mad men: “We’re going to take a picture of you and crop your head off and put (Cash’s) on.” The star’s suit arrived and a body double was born. Wolcott’s role is not widely known. His kids knew. They’d startle folks at the local outlet of what is now TD Canada Trust by greeting its Johnny Cash cutout with cries of “Look, it’s Daddy.” Fun fact: Before choosing the Johnny Cash brand for the ATM campaign with its cutouts, TV spots, VIP concerts and more, Canada Trust apparently considered … Harvey WallBankers. WILL THAT BE CASH FAQ Q: Where can I see these cutouts? A: The LPL’s Ivey Family London Room (Central library, 251 Dundas St.) has a replica of the original

When he was 17, future ccMa hall of famer Larry Mercey of ilderton went all the way to nashville — and had a photo snapped with Johnny cash, whose eyes were shut. about 60 years later, in february, 2018, Mercey posed with the cash cutout at the Jack richardson Music hall of fame with an “eyes wide open” Johnny. photo: James stewart reaney

with its “Why Walk The Line?” message. Q: Anywhere else? A: Two cutouts — with new JRLMA messages — are at the Jack Richardson Music Hall Of Fame,182 Dundas St. (Saturdays, noon to 5 p.m.) Visit jrlma. ca for more.

Can you pair these legendary axes to the classic albums above based on the lead guitarists in each band AND name the guitarist, too? ansWers on paGe 4

did you know??? THE HUMBLE HARPSICHORD

- Unlike a piano, the strings in a harpsichord are plucked rather than struck. - the earliest references to the harpsichord date back to the 14th century. - the oldest preserved harpsichord dates back to 1521.

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MARCH 2018 - ISSUE 19 - page 3

tiffin’s top five

INNER FUSE

Five songs to make you laugh

By pat tiffin

Being LondonFuse’s resident comedian, I thought it would fun if I suggested five comedic gems for you to listen to. It’s All About The Pentiums Weird Al Yankovic This 90’s Glam Rap parody still resonates with me seeing as it’s both a funny little history lesson about technology as well as containing some Weird Al’s sharpest satire to date. Plus, the Jpegs to Helen Keller line is still straight fire to this day. Pregnant Women Are Smug Garfunkel & Oates Sometimes great comedy is derived from saying things that people want to say but don’t have the guts to say. This song is a great example of that. Blame Canada! South Park Nothing makes your National Pride swell like listening to a couple of Americans trying to take the piss out of us. Every Sperm Is Sacred Monty Python Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition and nobody expected for this song to be on my list either. It’s a great song to get silly to. I Just Had Sex The Lonely Island feat. Akon Hilarious imagery aside, we all have to admit Akon exclaiming “Still Counts!” still makes us laugh even now.

Three songs that make me bawl my eyes out

By sammy roach

Death with Dignity Sufjan Stevens I discovered this song thanks to television’s latest and greatest cry-fest, This is Us. I binge-watched too much of the show at once and followed it up by playing this song on loop while sobbing. CATHARSIS! Painkillers Candy Butchers This is a stripped-down, gorgeous autobiographical song by lead singer/songwriter Mike Viola. Basically, he is singing about still missing his first wife, who died of cancer. Enough said. If Bread This 1970s classic is one of the most gorgeous love songs ever but oh man, the tenderness of the lyrics combined with the gentle vocals of David Gates gets me. Every. Single. Time.

Blu Monster Print and Media owner, Derek Armstrong has become a go-to for London bands looking for discs and vinyl.

Blu Monster: Bringing London music into the physical realm By sammy roach

There is something special about holding a finished album in your own hands. When you get to that stage of being ready to print your album, where do you start? For London artists, there’s a local solution tucked away in the east end of the Forest City. Blu Monster Print and Media began as a CD/ DVD replication shop in Markham, Ontario. After eight years in Markham, the shop relocated to London and expanded services to include digital and large format printing (including printing this very publication!). The shop produces smaller disc quantities inhouse, and they send mass quantity orders to a partner plant in Toronto for manufacturing. “What’s most common is either a jewel case, a digipak, or a cardboard mailer,” owner Derek Armstrong explains. “We can go beyond that depending on what clients want. We can handle everything, including helping with the artwork design if need be.”

Most recently, Blu Monster has begun offering vinyl production services. With the shop’s partner plant investing in vinyl equipment, Derek saw a natural extension of Blu Monster’s services. “What’s old is new again. It’s kind of like the cool factor,” he says of vinyl. “And it has a little bit of a different sound.” Over the years, Derek has served a wide range of artists, from someone recording music in the back of their van, to a young band kicking off an American tour. Derek has even had his own moment in the spotlight. “I’ve done work over the years for a band called Anvil, which is an ‘80s metal band.” he recalls. “Many years ago, I delivered CDs to them, and they were filming a documentary. So I was in their documentary for all of about three seconds.” If you’re a local artist who needs gig posters, CD printing, or even vinyl, give Derek and his team at Blu Monster a call. It doesn’t seem like any task is too monstrous for this London shop.

Puppy love: songs I’ve fallen in love to By EMMA MARR

Forever the romantic, I have fallen in love many, many times. I decided to scour my journals to unearth all the songs that have scored my past love stories. Pop on those rose coloured glasses and open your hearts, to my embarrassing list of all the songs I have fallen in love to: God Only Knows - The Beach Boys

Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen I Just Can’t Stop Loving You - Michael Jackson Don’t Speak - No Doubt Torn - Natalie Imbruglia 1, 2, 3, 4 - Plain White T’s Lucky - Jason Mraz, Collbie Caillat The Girl - City and Colour Lost on You - LP

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MARCH 2018 - ISSUE 19 - page 4

SHORT FUSE Word Up

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From the bestselling author of The Kite Runner

By tHe pUzzlOr

or cook 60 - ____ Deep 61 - Star Trek reptilian 62 - ___ ___ Stumble Along (song from the Drowsy Chaperone) 63 - Text within a text 64 - Scottish Isle DOWN 1 - Bubba and Forrest 2 - Being loved by anyone, according to Tom Jones 3 - _____ go! (Mario cry) 4 - Old Commodore Vic 20 command 5 - Food for Eleven 6 - Fallon’s backing band

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35 - Digital picture qual. 36 - Texted apology 38 - Restorative potion 39 - Took my advice 41 - Geese and Mice? 45 - Follower of Marx and Lenin 46 - Coconut fibres 47 - Like 30-Down 48 - Excessively groom 50 - East end agreement? (abbv) 51 - Item in a contest 52 - Crash Bandicoot platform (abbv) 53 - Red-panted Smurf 54 - Surprised greeting 55 - Unwelcome node

ansWers in the apriL eDition of short fUse

a thousand splendid suns a proUD pUBLication of

7 - Becomes bitter 8 - Eventually become 9 - Toothy tool 10 - Restoration option 11 - Cuts 19-across? 12 - Vacant 13 - American wholesale club 21 - Question before “Because I said so!” 22 - Siamese ____ (1993 album) 27 - Horiztonal people? 28 - Ain’t no ____ 29 - ___ Maria 30 - Peculiar 31 - Meadow 32 - Arrival abbreviation

GUess the GUitarist ansWers: 1-D (angus young), 2-c (Dimebag Darrell), 3-e (eddie van halen) 4-B (slash), 5-a (Jimi hendrix)

Print

ACROSS 1 – Swallow 5 - Restores about 50 MP 10 - ___ Ex Machina 14 - Person with a bad habit? 15 - Country west of Togo 16 - Mrs. Garrett or Krabappel 17 - Lowest setting on most TVs 18 - Former German Olympians Bonk and Hornberger 19 - Thin coat 20 - Infection precautions 23 - Top-hatted guitarist 24 - Octaethylporphyrin (abbv) 25 - Oxidization 26 - It’s orange and pointy 28 - Type of no. 29 - Bells do this for thee 32 - First word in Monty Python’s Flying Circus 33 - We don’t need no ____ (Mary J. Blige) 37 - Comes up with 39 - Hammy ______ 40 - I’ll be gone in __ ___ __ two 41 - Sty or stylus 42 - Like Sunday morning 43 - Switch positions? 44 - Too ___ to quit 46 - ___ ___ borrow a feeling? 48 - Double Bubble comics kid 49 - Heavily inclined 53 - Fix an online error 56 - Anime’s Agent ____ 57 - Full-bodied 58 - Military alliance 59 - Word with school

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Adapted by Ursula Rani Sarma Based on a Novel by Khaled Hosseini

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