AUGUST 1 - AUGUST 31 2017 - ISSUE 12
AG iNdustrY tO rePOrter: hANds OFF Our wieNers! Local television legend Pick Naparella has gone from reporting the news to making the news after a lawsuit was launched by the beef lobby of Ontario seeking compensation for undue hardship. The lawsuit was sparked after Naparella consumed his one-millionth free hot dog while reporting live at a charity barbeque.
The Ontario pork producers’ coalition also joined the class action suit, claiming years of back pay for all the free ribs and pepperoni the reporter has consumed over his long career. The estimated worth of all the ‘free’ meat Naparella has consumed exceeds $4.5 billion.
THE STORIES THE OTHER PAPERS REFUSE TO WRITE ABOUT
ShoRT FUSE EXCLUSIVE!
“Settlers of Catan impaled my son!” Kevin Sanders woke up in St Joe’s hospital with a hole in his chest and one thing on his mind: “I have to finish the game!” Sanders found an ancient copy of Catan at a neighbour’s yard sale, and asked some friends to meet him downtown for a game. He claims a haphazard roll of the dice brought Museum London’s rhinoceros sculpture to life. The rhino gored Sanders before fleeing on hoof. It’s a miracle he’s alive! A copy of the Ontario Drivers Handbook in Sanders’ breast pocket absorbed most of the blow.
Friends found his body steps from Museum London clutching the dice. Bystanders claim they heard drumming in the distance. “I thought that only happened in Jumanji!” Sanders said from his hospital bed. “Lucky for me, my buddies are holding the game until I get better.”
uPdAte!!!
Sanders won the game upon his release from hospital. He credits his win to his massive wheat monopoly and unwillingness to trade with anybody. Kevin’s mother Deborah has taken her search for the rhino to Facebook, hoping to turn it into scrap metal before it gores again.
The newest celebrity diet craze is in... All the hottest studs and starlets in Canadian Tinseltown are buzzing about the hippest new weight loss program called ‘GOLFING’. Rather than eat those close-up ruining calories, stars of the big and small screen smoke Putter’s brand cigarettes whenever a craving for food hits. “I’m losing weight at half the cost of a regular smoking diet,” said one popular actor on the set of the new Littlest Hobo reboot. Parent company Grand River Enterprises was unavailable to comment.
London Fuse 211 King Street, London ON, N6A1C9, londonfuse.ca
AUGUST 1 - AUGUST 31 2017 - ISSUE 12 - PAGE 2
! E V I S U EXCL
INNER fUSE SHORTEXCLUSIVE! FUSE
dIrtY BrIEfS!
LONdON CitiZeNs’ GrOuP CrOwdFuNds riNG rOAd
After the project had been torpedoed by countless councils, a group has sprung up to start fundraising for a ring road around the city of London. Within the first 24 hours of their combined Kickstarter and Indiegogo campaigns, the group, London Ring Road Now, had raised $700,000.
reCess vOted Best PArt OF sChOOL FOr 60th tiMe
Despite gym class (aka phys ed) making strong gains, an exit poll of London elementary students has shown recess to be the most popular of all school activities for 60 years running. Unplanned movie day, assemblies, and lunch (includes both meal breaks for balanced day schools) rounded out the top five.
FOrMer COuNCiLLOr stiLL PrOtestiNG FOOd truCKs FrOM OwN FOOd truCK
Even though he has launched a successful food truck business, former city councillor Ned Wiggins is continuing his anti-food truck stance that plagued the previous city council. “Not continuing this protest would paint me as a hyprocrite,” he said over the lunch rush at Wiggins’ Waffles. Follow his fight and his menu on facebook and Instagram.
London thEME SonG
to BE fEatUrEd In nEWESt Grand thEft aUto rELEaSE
The City of Opportunity is about to get jacked. Celebrated London journalist and music icon Jim Chapman’s 2012 hit, London is the City of Opportunity, will be featured on the sound track of the next Grand Theft Auto game. Grand Theft Auto: 401 Corridor follows the story of Carl - a streetwise divorced dad on a road-rage rampage. The game involves driving from Windsor to Kingston to pick up Carl’s kids for the Labour Day weekend. A spokesperson for Rockstar Games confirmed London is the City of Opportunity’s place on the GTA sound track after it was leaked on gaming forums worldwide. “(The song) fits perfectly within the world of GTA,” they said. “Gaming is all about imagining opportunity, whether it’s a business, a store or a brothel where there wasn’t before.” Other songs on the sound track include Woodstock by Joni Mitchell and Your Daddy Don’t Know by the band Toronto. Pre-orders for the game have been dismal so far, and the company is expecting huge losses this financial quarter.
Canada’s bad boy, Elvis Stojko, was spotted alive and well in London Ontario! Rumours of the King’s death were rampant in recent years, but Short Fuse exclusive! got our hands on this photo of Elvis auditioning for Judas Priest along Dundas. Stojko is famous for his rock and roll attitude on the ice, as well as hit songs All Shook Up and Heartbreak Hotel. He has been living in isolation at Canadian Graceland since Nagano.
AdeLAide At rush hOur with trAiNs stiLL FAster thAN GArdiNer/dvP
Unfortunate news out of Statistics Canada: Travel times along Adelaide Street from Fanshawe Park Road to Commissioners in rush hour with a train are still quicker than half that distance on Toronto’s Gardiner Expressway and/or Don Valley Parkway during the day. W a n t t o U n d e r s t a n d W H is K e r s ?
sPeAK FlueNT cAT TODAY!
TICKETS $5 - AVAILABLE AT THE BREWERY OR EVENTBRITE
Ever wonder what the hell Fluffy is thinking when she runs around frantically at 4am? Our cat program will teach you how to communicate through meows, purrs, hisses and head butts. Just send $5 to SHORT FUSE exclusive and get our meow-vellous 12-part DVD series today!
London Fuse 211 King Street, London ON, N6A1C9, londonfuse.ca
AUGUST 1 - AUGUST 31 2017 - ISSUE 12 - PAGE 3
INNER fUSE
! E V I S U EXCL
S! r E P E E r C fIndErS
WoMan BItES Into GHOST In artISanaL donUt aShLEY JohnSon thEn and noW
rUnaWaY GIrL dISCoVErEd LIVInG In SUrPLUS StorE... When Forest City Surplus employee Bijar Kahn found what he thought was a pile of cleaning rags between aisles, he inadvertently solved a 27-year old missing persons case. Ashley Johnson, who had disappeared from Gibraltar Trade Centre in 1990 at age five, was discovered living in Forest City Surplus last week. Khan made the discovery after hearing noise coming from a pile of rags. When he poked it with a selfie-stick, he got the shock of his life! To his surprise a woman, age unknown, stuck her head out, telling Khan to “leave the lights off,” and “get off her case.” Police were contacted and were able to verify Ashley’s identity. Moments later, however, she disappeared again. Ashley’s father, Phil Johnson, isn’t surprised. Phil told Short Fuse eXCLusive! the day his daughter went missing, the family went to Gibraltar to let the kids blow off some steam. Ashley threw a tantrum and threatened to run away. “Ashley ran away from home every other day
as a little girl,” Phil says. “So when the market closed we suspected she would find her way home as always.” But Ashley never returned and the family was getting impatient. “Enough’s enough if you’re reading this, Ash,” he says. “Your dinner is long past cold.” Her grandmother, Sharon McLellend, says good riddance. “She was a horrible little beast who would find a weakness in a person and thwart their happiness,” she says from her apartment at Resty Tired Retirement Village. “Just ask Skitters.” Skitters (1979-1990) was McLellend’s cat, and the target of many of Ashley’s pranks. The last prank before she disappeared involved Skitters, an entire can of hair spray, and intense back-combing. It caused a static charge so intense that Skitters never recovered. No one knows of the whereabouts of Ashley now, but investigators found a secret bunker beneath a bin of flight suits, containing only a fleece wolf blanket, Gem the Punk Rocker wig, and a plaid scrunchie.
Londoner Kaye McGuy recently came across an unwanted guest in a jelly-filled donut purchased from D’Ø - a downtown, artisanal, donut shop. McGuy tells Short Fuse eXCLusive! as soon as she bit into her treat, she was terrified for her life! It wasn’t jelly she chowed down on... It was a ghost! At 9:05 a.m. on a Tuesday morning, this poor woman nearly had her soul possessed. All she wanted was a sweet treat to get her through the day. She began feeling a satanic sensation in her teeth and tongue, so McGuy took to Kijiji to find the very best in ghost hunting and spirit removal. In mere minutes, the Forest City’s ex-mayor Foe ‘Hannah’ Jontana showed up and sprang into action. Following a gruelling two-hour operation, sources say the ghost hunter extracted the disgruntled spirit of late Canadian hockey player Tim Horton, who was up upset at having upscale competition downtown. Since this story broke, the donut shop has been saged, sweetgrassed, sprinkled with holy water, and exorcised by all the best in the business. However, visitors say Tim Horton still haunts D’Ø. People have flocked from all over the world to get a taste of the paranormal, causing a level of hysteria never before seen in London, Ontario. As for Kaye? She was ghosted… Literally right in the mouth. While she will definitely think twice before tucking into anything jelly-filled from now on, McGuy did say the ghost of Tim Horton tasted better than the food at his coffee shop.
KId daMPEnEd at SPLaSh Pad LEaVES hELICoPtEr ParEnt StEaMInG
Did you know your kids are getting wet when they go to the splash pad? One north London helicopter parent is saying enough’s enough. Buddy Hernandez recently took his daughter, Veronica
to a local park. Upon looking up from his phone, he was shocked to see she was soaking wet. The culprit - a splash pad. He blames the micro-aggressive behaviour of the other children’s parents, and
city hall for his daughter’s wet clothes. “There were 17 instances of splashing in three minutes.” Buddy Hernandez tells short fuse exclusive! “What gives the city the right to splash my family?”
London Fuse 211 King Street, London ON, N6A1C9, londonfuse.ca
AUGUST 1 - AUGUST 31 2017 - ISSUE 12 - PAGE 4
ShoRT FUSE WORD UP By the puzzlor
ACROSS 1 - Convenience store chain 5 - ___ Culpa 8 - Owl’s question 11 - What the five fingers said to the face 12 - Solar storm output (abbv) 13 - Continent north of Afr. 14 - Luscious locks 15 - Ammonium or silver 17 - Frees up space 19 - Disco ___ 20 - Best way to find out 21 - One who gets a lot of pelt 25 - Not your average cottage roll 26 - Square ____ (game developers) 28 - Dutch grandmother 29 - First lady 30 - Greek sea-goddess 31 - Neighbour of Pol. 32 - Nickelodeon chihuahua 33 - Prog-rock dinosaur? DOWN 1 - Conventional news
THANKS TO OUR PARTNER:
outlets (abbv) 2 - When I was __ ___ 3 - Alternative to beet sweets 4 - Haunted projection 5 - List 6 - Give off
7 - A good knock 8 - One who heeds 9 - There are six each inning 10 - Prospector’s search results? 16 - All Aretha asks for
18 - Singer Vandross 21 - Stew 22 - EDM shindig 23 - Word! 24 - Ceremonial act 25 - Take all the blankets 27 - Note ender
Portal to hell discovered off Clarence Street!
Something wicked erupted in downtown London, Ontario July 26, in an unassuming and relatively quiet corridor off Clarence street. An entrance to the underworld has manifested, surrounded by a cluster of arts organizations and London’s newest bicycle co-op. The mysterious and poorly maintained thoroughfare is filled with debris, Busch Ice cans, and innumerable plastic bags - earning it the name Bag End. It also has several gaping holes in the ground, often filled with murky water.
A PROUD PUBLICATION OF
Advertise with us!
EXCLUSIVE!
f o r p r in t a n d o n l in e r a t e s
contact Gerard Creces
[email protected] 519-282-7226
On the stroke of midnight thick, black rain began pouring from the sky, eroding and merging the holes into one festering sinkhole. Hell Hole (as it’s been dubbed) is so dank and so deep that it appears bottomless. Witnesses tell SHORT FUSE exclusive! a pillar of purple flame then shot two hundred feel into the sky - a beacon of some sort. Within seconds, strange voices could be heard coming from the portal, summoning passerbys to come and join them. No one has come close enough
to it (and lived to tell the tale) to know for sure, but reports of highpitched cackling, growling, and rumbling indicate hellish visitors are in our midst!
FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA S U B S C RIB E TO O U R NEW SLETTER : INFO @LONDONFU SE .C A
London Fuse 211 King Street, London ON, N6A1C9, londonfuse.ca
