The Office of Student Conflict Resolution

Connecting the Ears and the Heart: Listening Skills By Noah Attal

 

“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, it is indistinguishable.” -David Augsburger

https://nonprofitchronicles.com/2015/09/20/feedback-labs-the-power-of-listening/  Photograph Description: Man holding large, antique hearing aid. 

When I first heard this quote, it resonated deeply with me. I reflected on the frustration and annoyance of being interrupted, or ignored, and also the warmth of being heard and understood. I imagine this is because just like being loved, being heard is empowering. Being able to listen governs how most of us interact with others in our life, especially with those who are close. Although many of us think that we listen all the time, a lot of us (myself included) are actually not. Most of us are ​ hearing​ sounds, voices, music etc. Simply ​ hearing​ is a recognition of noise or signals, but not an exploration of it. ​ Listening is engaging with that which you hear and see, processing it, and trying to understand it. It is crucial that we ​ listen​ to those around us if we wish to learn, grow and have meaningful relationships. Here are some of my favorite guidelines to​ how to be a better listener:

Mentally prepare yourself Think of listening as a unique opportunity to learn from someone else's experiences, an opportunity you will never get again. Each person is a source of wisdom from their lived experience, whether you agree with their opinions or not. Be grateful for the opportunity to listen and people will love sharing with you.

Be in the moment When you are about to listen to someone, clear your mind of distractions. If there is something you need to do, like use the bathroom or respond to a text message, do so before you start listening. Being distracted is the easiest way to tell someone that what they are saying is not important or worth your attention.

Empathize Try to understand the emotions of the speaker and relate to them. If you cannot relate, imagine being in their shoes: what was it like to experience what they experienced? Empathy is the root of our bonds

with people. It allows us to understand the complexity and nuance of life. Here’s a good video about it-

-​ Brené Brown on Empathy ​ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

Respond with reflections When given an opportunity, respond with a reflection. Try to process what was being said and give it back to them in your own words. Reflections are not questions or comments, they are a rephrasing of what the speaker said with a little added meaning. Speaker: “She browses Facebook on her phone everytime I try to talk to her about something serious.” Reflection: “You feel belittled when she ignores you.” Obviously reflections are largely based on context, but even when the meaning you added was not accurate, they show the speaker that you are processing what they are saying and trying to understand them.

Do not interrupt or try to solve problems Just like being distracted, interrupting and giving solutions to people's problems is a very clear way of saying “my thoughts are more important than yours” or that “I do not care what you think.” When

someone is sharing a story, unless they ask for your opinion or advice, that is an incredible moment to practice listening to them and ​ nothing else​ . I hope these tips help you as they have helped me. The best way to start is small. Choose just one thing you can consciously do while listening and build from there. Listening is not something that one ever masters, it is a lifelong pursuit.

Noah Attal is a Student Program Coordinator at OSCR and particularly loves facilitating student transformation through conflict. He is currently finishing a degree in Earth and Environmental Science and enjoys tea and cartography in his free time.